# Cranberries vs. Hubby - Round 1



## Janet H (Nov 23, 2012)

Today is the Friday after Thanksgiving and yesterday (T-day 2012) was a whir of tense activity. I spent Thanksgiving morning telling myself, the day would become one of those "special" family stories and that down the road, I'd look back on it with a rosy view....

Several weeks ago my food processor died.  I've been through several in the past few years and just couldn't bring myself to buy another under-powered, under-built collection of plastic parts that take up a huge amount of storage space and deliver unimpressive results.  So I did some shopping, some reading up, asked friends and you all about how to proceed and mostly.... I procrastinated.  I admit it.

Last Sunday it dawned on me that we were having a pile of folks for Thanksgiving dinner and that as usual, my DH would be making his much loved cranberry relish (in large quantity) and WE HAD NO FOOD PROCESSOR!  I made a command decision and ordered a robot coup Magimix with an extra set of fancy blades from the nice lady on the phone at Williams Sonoma.

Finally - a grown up food processor! Yes, it was expensive but hey - they had a sale and I had a coupon and a 25.00 gift certificate and best of all they offered next day Air shipping.   The nice lady assured me that it would arrive in ample time, after all overnight means one night and it's only Sunday. They would ship Monday and I could expect my new fancy cranberry chopping tool on Tuesday.  Good. I am happy. Poor, but happy.

My DH was happy as well.  He read the specs on the motor size and bowl capacity and agreed that it looked like fine, big, manly motor and surely up to the task of making his famous relish.  He congratulated me on finally making a decision and taking the bull by the horns and applauded my thrifty use of a coupon, finding a sale and handing over my gift card to lessen the pain of a spendy _investment_.  He pointed out that _good_ tools are worth a little more and that I would be very happy with the new tool.  Then he headed off to the store to buy another 2 lbs of cranberries. 

Tuesday finally arrives. I listen for the delivery truck but no joy, no truck. I am nervous.  DH on the other hand is cool, collected; he has faith in that nice lady from Williams Sonoma and in the brown truck guys. He reviews his recipe, lines up his 1 orange, 2 apples and the cloves, brown sugar and walnuts that go into the relish. Then he calmly sits down and rereads the specs for the processor that hasn't arrived. "So he'll be ready" he says.

Over dinner he tells me all about it. Did I know it's made in France? Has an awesome warranty? Used by professionals worldwide... Did I know that the box weighs 26 lbs?

He is obsessed and I am worried. Thanksgiving is two days away. The fridge is stuffed, the guests are invited, two have called to ask if they could bring an extra friend along for dinner.  I told my DH during dinner and he beams.  More will be fun, he says - and they will LOVE my relish. After dinner he goes off to the store for one more bag of cranberries. 

Wednesday morning I call the nice lady from Williams Sonoma and ask about my order.  After some checking she assures me that it was shipped out on-time and scheduled for delivery today.  She gave me the tracking numbers so I could watch the progress myself.  I am calmer.

4:30 PM.  I hear the truck. The dogs bark and the bell rings.  Before I can get to the door the truck pulls away - they are in a hurry. I open the door and there is a box. Small, light... it's not big enough. Oh no.....
The box contains blades!  Seriously? Only blades?!

When DH gets home I sit him down and let him know that the nice lady from Williams Sonoma was umm... mistaken, deluded, a lying w**** and that we need a new plan. I offer some options:

1. Turn off the lights tomorrow and lock the door - pretend we're not home.
2. I can try to borrow a processor
3. I can go buy a really cheap one.
4. I can dice a lot of berries and he can help.
5. We could use that weird shredding thing that came with our KitchenAid mixer and see if that works.

I show him the parts and he is hesitant but says - no worries, I can cope....  "I got it"
  Hmm... 

Early Thursday morning I stumble in to the coffee pot and am surprised to see my DH with a giant bowl of washed berries and a box grater.   I'm barely awake but the coffee is good and still hot and I'll just sit in the rocker with my coffee for a few minutes and try to figure out why my DH is grating berries one by one by one... I'm not really awake.

"Where are the band-aides" "Where are the band-aides"  *"DO WE HAVE ANY band-aides"  *

OH.... he's talking to ME! 

DH has added part of his finger to the cranberry mash.  I get him fixed up, dump the meat laced berries and get out the mixer and that funky shredding attachment.

*Man-ish Power tool paradigms*:
Bigger is better.​Faster is better.​Manuals and directions are a waste of time.​​DH is flustered. He's been bested by a box grater and we have guests coming to bask in the awesomeness of his fine relish. He must not disappoint them.  There is no time for reading the manual about how to use the weird shredder attachment.  After all there's a giant bowl of berries and once grated they have to soak in their juices for 4 hours prior to service - time is slipping past.....

He puts on the attachment, cinches down the thumb screw (grunting as he gives it an extra turn), pours berries in the hopper on the top, flips the mixer on to HIGH and then reaches for something to catch the ground berries, letting go of the lid on the hopper.

Berries spring from the top and gush (already mashed) from the bottom in an instant.  They hit the ceiling AND the floor, whole ones up high, mashed below and some even shoot straight out of the KitchenAide towards the wall. Never underestimate the power of a KitchenAid on high and never, ever turn your back on it. Red juice everywhere! Berries bouncing across the floor, slippery, sticky mash underfoot, cranberry EVERYWHERE!   Like a scene from I Love Lucy.

Sigh....  I bet that nice lady from Williams Sonoma has a clean kitchen today.

Broom, mop, towels and 30 minutes later he tries again.  This time, slowly, cautiously; chastened by the power and dangerous possibilities of the mixer, he successfully makes relish.

A few hours later company arrives, dinner is delicious and of course the relish is fabulous.  His friends ask about the amazing relish - how did you learn, how do you do it?  He smiles and gives careful directions to make relish with a mixer and shredder attachment and even mentions that you should always start the mixer slowly after-all the best things in life are worth waiting for. 

I'm still waiting for my new food processor......


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## Andy M. (Nov 23, 2012)

Great story, Janet.  Sorry it didn't work out for you.  You and DH had the smarts to come up with an alternative.  

So,... do we get the recipe or what?


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## Janet H (Nov 23, 2012)

Andy M. said:


> So,... do we get the recipe or what?



There isn't exactly a recipe but this is the ingredient list

Fresh cranberries - 1 lb
1 fresh, lovely crisp apple (with skin)
Some fresh orange rind, finely shredded and some of the juice
Dark brown sugar
walnuts
ground cinnamon
a little ground clove
​Grind up the fruit, berries and walnuts and add sugar and seasonings to taste. Chill for several hours before eating.


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## chopper (Nov 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh, great story!  You should send it in to a cooking magazine for next November.


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## Zhizara (Nov 23, 2012)

chopper said:


> Oh my gosh, great story!  You should send it in to a cooking magazine for next November.



I agree.  You should also send a copy to the "nice lady" at Williams Sonoma.


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## chopper (Nov 23, 2012)

Zhizara said:
			
		

> I agree.  You should also send a copy to the "nice lady" at Williams Sonoma.



LOL!!!


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## bakechef (Nov 23, 2012)

Something funky is going on in the land of shipping...

I ordered a hard drive for a project, I received 2 cordless phones instead...

I had the time set aside for this project, so this was a kink in that plan.  Upside, Newegg.com gave me a $25 gift card for my trouble, so the item will be a very good deal in the end.

I loved the story, and your husband's positive attitude!


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## PrincessFiona60 (Nov 23, 2012)

Great story, Janet!  Shrek wanted to know why I spit coffee at him.


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## MrsLMB (Nov 23, 2012)

I am sorry about your woes but dang ... that was the funniest story .. I had tears from laughing so hard.  Hubby wanted to know why I was crying, dogs are leaning on me as if to comfort me and I am just locked up with laughter .. thanks for a great story  

I hope your machine shows up and is more than you expected.


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## Kylie1969 (Nov 24, 2012)

A funny read indeed


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## letscook (Nov 24, 2012)

Great story-  Have you gotten it yet? - I would be calling that nice lady everyday and explain to her what over night meant. Get a refund on the shipping.
I agree must submit to a magazine etc. Taste of home has alot of these kind of stories.  Send it in to the show The Chew.


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## Chief Longwind Of The North (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm that guy that appreciates a funny story or yarn.  99 time out of a hundred, you'll get me to crack sideways smile, and a chuckle.  I don't laugh easily, and never at crude, or shock humor.  Janet, you made me laugh out loud.  I so love laughing out loud.  It cleanses me, and reminds me that in spite of all that's wrong with the world, good people can make it right.

That story was awe inspiring, and fun to read.  Thanks.

Chief Longwind of the North


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## GotGarlic (Nov 24, 2012)

That was hilarious  Thanks for sharing.


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## Addie (Nov 24, 2012)

Well, one thing was right. You will have a story in years to come to retell over and over. And you have PF spitting at Shrek.


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## Dawgluver (Nov 24, 2012)

Hilarious, Janet!  So glad it worked out for you both!


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## Janet H (Nov 24, 2012)

An update... The food processor has arrived (finally) and I can't wait to try it out


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## Addie (Nov 24, 2012)

Janet H said:


> An update... The food processor has arrived (finally) and I can't wait to try it out


 
Happy cooking Janet. Tell hubby he can't use it until he reads the manual front to back. Then when you have a question, you can make him feel good and ask his advice. 

P.S.  Don't forget to thank the nice lady at WS.


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## MostlyWater (Nov 24, 2012)

After making cranberry relish in the blender a few times, with the top flying off and the kitchen getting all red, I started grinding it with a hand blender.  Cheap and does the job without too much mess.


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## Sprout (Nov 26, 2012)

Great story! I agree, you should send it in.


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## Janet H (Nov 24, 2013)

An update... we are a few days away from Thanksgiving 2013 and yesterday DH came home with 4 giant costco sized bags of cranberries. 

As noted in earlier posts, I ordered a new food processor last year that arrived too late to use for Thanksgiving prep.  It's been here for a year and while I've used it heavily, my DH has not. It turns out this has been bothering him and so he got extra berries so he can practice in advance of the big day. After all, Thanksgiving is all about the cranberry relish!

I'll keep you posted on his progress....


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## PrincessFiona60 (Nov 24, 2013)

LOL!  Cranberry Relish for the year coming up!


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## Andy M. (Nov 24, 2013)

Just in case, have some band-aids on hand.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Nov 24, 2013)

Do you need the number for 9-1-1?


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## Dawgluver (Nov 24, 2013)

Probably wouldn't hurt to send it to her.


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## Janet H (Nov 24, 2013)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> Do you need the number for 9-1-1?


hahahaha  Do you think the dispatchers need any relish?


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## Mad Cook (Nov 27, 2013)

Did you get the Magimix in the end? Just to cheer you on, I've had my Magimix for over 30 years and it's still going strongand in use 2 or 3 times a week or more at festive times. I did have to replace the blade a couple of years back because it had blunted but it had had a lot of use - For the first couple of years that I had it I was making 30-40lbs of pate and terrines per week and using the Magimix for chopping the meats!


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## Janet H (Nov 27, 2013)

Yes, I got it just after the holiday last year and think it's just an awesome machine.  BTW - tonight's the night for the annual berry carnage.  Shuddering in anticipation ....


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## Whiskadoodle (Nov 27, 2013)

Great story Janet. Hope it goes better this year. 

I was not allowed to cook cranberries today, not allowed to create red stains on the stove, counters or anywhere else. I had already singed two pot holders making something else. 

My secret cheater cranberry sauce during the year, when cranberries are not available. One can whole berry sauce. Using a micro-plane, grate in however much fresh ginger to taste. Stir. Chill. Eat. Or use to glaze grilled meats.  I call it fancy if I grate in some orange peel too.


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## msmofet (Nov 4, 2016)

This story reminds me of Garrison Keller or Gene Sheppard. Thank you for the story.


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## Addie (Nov 4, 2016)

This is still the most delightful story about Thanksgiving I have ever read. We need a thread about *Thanksgiving Fails*. I just love this post. So worth reading about two days before the big day. It gives one the courage to go forth into that room called "the kitchen" and make the most important meal of the year. After all, it reminds us to say "Thank You for all our blessings." Even our Thanksgiving Fails.

Thank you Janet for making my day once again. What a great way to start off my day.


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## taxlady (Nov 4, 2016)

Janet, when did the FB eventually arrive? How do you like it?


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## Janet H (Nov 4, 2016)

taxlady said:


> Janet, when did the FB eventually arrive? How do you like it?



The Food processor did finally arrive - the day after Thanksgiving.  We've been using it now for a couple of years and I like it a lot. It's simple to use and super powerful.  It's also heavy which I knew in advance of purchase... but this is a little bit of a downer as I have to get it out to use it.  The blades are still wicked sharp.

Interestingly just last night my hubby asked about this years T-day bash and how many would be attending. He let me know that he'd get me his grocery list for the cranberry relish which I find hilarious.  The recipe never changes - I know the list by heart and the list PALES next to the grocery list for the rest of the meal.

Anyway - he sounded so pleased about the prospect of making relish again, making sure I knew the timeline for prep and even making a suggestion that perhaps we had time to go down to the local art gallery to look for a ceramic bowl that would elevate the presentation.


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## taxlady (Nov 4, 2016)

I eventually bought a heavy, powerful FP (three bowl Cuisinart). I didn't buy it until I made a space for it to live on the counter. I didn't want to be dragging it out, or not using it because I didn't feel like dragging it out.


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## Addie (Nov 4, 2016)

And the saga continues. How delightful. This year a special bowl. Next year? Properly dressed folks outside the door with trumpets blaring to announce the guests as they arrive? Or they could stand around the bowl as it is placed on the table? Oh, so many possibilities for presentation of *The Famous Relish!*.

Katie, you know I am sure, that I am only kidding. I love this story.


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## Janet H (Nov 4, 2016)

Addie said:


> ........ folks outside the door with trumpets blaring to announce



Don't give him any ideas....

I can just picture this... trumpet salute and someone announcing: "presenting... The Amaaaaazing cranberry relish also accompanied by some turkey and stuffing"


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## Janet H (Nov 26, 2019)

2019 update to this saga....

This year I went to Costco on Saturday to procure massive quantities of fresh berries.  They usually have wonderful fresh berries and a good price.  I need 6 lbs according to my DH.  He is sure even those 6 lbs may not be enough...

I carefully go through the pile of berry bags, checking the pack dates to find the freshest - I am concerned as they are not as recently packed as I would like.

Later in the evening I plan to cook some of these for cranberry sauce and freeze.  The rest will be for fresh relish.

10 PM Saturday night and I finally have time to wash and cook some of the berries down.  When I open the bags and begin to wash I am horrified to discover that the berries are soft and many are beginning to spoil. OHHHH NOOOOO!! I will have to tell DH... there is going to be drama.


Sure enough.

"Ummm... sweetie"  (remember it's 10 PM.  DH has already slipped into sweats and is reading a magazine with his eyes mostly closed).  "sweetie - would you come take a peek at these berries?"

The eyes snap wide open and the magazine is cast aside. DH sits up fence-post straight and then predictably:   "the berries - is there a problem with the berries - did you not buy enough?  I told you we need at LEAST 6 lbs."  Then he lopes off down the hall to change his clothes. He puts on shoes, a belt and then puts his wallet and keys in his pocket (remember - 10 PM) to go into the kitchen and check the berries.  He's a man on important business and even the dog is on alert - there is low growling like there might be an invisible brown truck outside or a berry thief!

As he inspects the berries I can see he's trying to keep his cool but it's tough - this is a SERIOUS problem.

"Where did you get these?  When did you get these? They are inferior, softish, not fresh at all, this will never do, let's take them back to the store and exchange.  We need to do this *RIGHT NOW* before they run out.  We can't have Thanksgiving without relish, it can't happen, folks will be so DISAPPOINTED, They are looking forward to the relish; we may have to cancel"  (remember 10 PM....).

The next day the berries are returned and there are no replacements to be had.  The entire pallet of berries was bad and the store pulled them.  Most of Sunday was spent finding suitable replacements at other stores and now they are in the fridge - firm plump, bright red, inspected and approved by DH and waiting for relish-making to ensue.  There is an extra pound for good measure - that's 7 lbs of fresh cranberries.

While we were shopping he also picked up some additional apples, a new bag of brown sugar (to go with the one I already had) and 3 organic and extra pricey oranges.  Thanksgiving has not been cancelled - yet.


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## taxlady (Nov 26, 2019)

While the organic oranges are extra pricey, if you are going to use the peel, it's a good idea to get the organic ones. The regular ones might be dyed orange and the dye approved for this is not a food safe dye. This actually applies to lemons too.


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## Cooking Goddess (Nov 27, 2019)

*Janet*, I just read your latest chapter of your ongoing berry saga to Himself - amid much laughter on both of our parts. Life with your DH must be very...entertaining. I hope his sauce making went smoothly, even if he was making chunky style.


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## Janet H (Nov 23, 2022)

SHOOT ME NOW!!

It's Wednesday afternoon - Thanksgiving 2022 is tomorrow and we are having T-day dinner at a friends house this year.  Our contribution is to bring cranberry "products" because well... you know, my DH is FAMOUS  for his fabulous, fresh relish.  I will make the cooked berries and also have 2 cans of cranberry jelly (the ones with the rings) because they were requested.  3 flavors of cranberries - go figure.

There are pounds of berries in my fridge (9 pounds at last count) and as usual we started with 3 lbs but my worry wort DH made several trips for more bags; just in case.  I swear there's something about t-day berries that is jinxed and this year it's my turn.

I made a lovely large pot of sauce with grated orange, cinnamon sticks and ginger using 4 lbs of the precious berries, tediously washed and cooked to perfection.  I had a plan to take pictures of the cook and then the jarred result for a goofy idea for a culinary themed holiday card.


After the molten berries cooled a bit I prepared to move the jam to containers.  Some will be taken to dinner tomorrow, others frozen and some given away. Berries are messy - they are sticky and stain anything they touch so I figured I'd put the heavy pan in the sink and spoon the containers full there - the sink is easy to clean - no fuss, no mess and no danger of red stains on hard to clean surfaces.

Right. Good plan.  Except we have a new puppy who is constantly underfoot and I have size 11 feet; it's a bad combo.  I pick up the heavy pot of HOT sauce and prepared to move a few feet to the sink. Just then the puppy shoots through the kitchen and I trip. The pan drops, the hot sauce spills and splatters, and the four letter words arrive. DH comes running.

The dog is unhurt but there are quarts of sticky red staining sauce on my floor, my clothes, the walls and just now I HATE holidays.   There is warm cranberry sauce in my left shoe.

Proof that the dog lives still and is not scalded:

My thoughtful DH has helped with clean up and is trying to make me feel better about all this.

He has suggested that "it's probably just as well, after all.. the fresh relish is really* all* that will be needed and any picky or uninitiated (in to the joys of his awesome relish) folks can eat the canned stuff, but now that half the berries are gone we might want to pop out to the store and get a few more bags... just in case; we wouldn't want anyone to be disappointed or to not have enough for everyone to have seconds or thirds. You wouldn't want them to have to scrimp on berries"  WE must have MORE berries!!!!!

Tonight he makes the FAMOUS fresh relish and I will be drinking.  I might start now.


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## Silversage (Nov 23, 2022)

@Janet H every couple years, this thread pops up and it slays me to reread it every time.  This years's addition is hilarious!  Drink and enjoy the holiday.


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## taxlady (Nov 23, 2022)

Oh no! Not again, even though it's getting to be a traditional humour post. Funny, but sad. I would be drinking too.


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## GotGarlic (Nov 23, 2022)

Something new every year!  Cheers!


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## dragnlaw (Nov 24, 2022)

What a start to my day!  I have just come across this thread now. 
Periodic role reversing with George Burns and Gracie Allen. 
In real life!  Thank you.


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