# The Funny "Sayings" Of Americans



## CatPat

Americans are very funny! I had taken together the list of the sayings in my journal, and here are these from the bumperstickers and the conversations:

"Crazier than a bat in a henhouse."

"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

To sneeze and to fart at the same time: "Snart."

"The more I see of people, the more I like my dog."

"If I keep eating like this, I'm going to be big enough to have my own zip code."

From the Target employee: "I never understood alcoholism until I started working here."

"The only fork in that family tree is the one on the dinner table."

These are so funny!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

I never heard any of them... Okay  I heard "he/she is big enough to have his/her own zip code...  One thing that drives me nuts about Brit fic, does "half nine" mean half before nine or half after nonr? (a.m./p.m. -- now if we just all switch to mil time 0930 it would be unambiguous.)

If I'm ever king of the world we will all be on 24 hour mil UTC and all on metric (MKS) units


----------



## CatPat

I am not sure of the "half nine." Perhaps the Google search could provide the guidance on the phrase.

Your frind,
~Cat


----------



## CWS4322

I believe "half nine" comes from German where um halb neun means at half past 8 whereas um halb zehn means half past nine or more literally at half before 10.


----------



## FrankZ

"half nine" means it is 9:30.

If you had to pick an odd one from the UK that wouldn't have been the one I would have picked.

"He really knows his onions"
"Useless as a chocolate teapot"

Those two go way up near the top and I am probably forgetting way too many of them.


----------



## CWS4322

FrankZ said:


> "half nine" means it is 9:30.
> 
> If you had to pick an odd one from the UK that wouldn't have been the one I would have picked.
> 
> "He really knows his onions"
> "Useless as a chocolate teapot"
> 
> Those two go way up near the top and I am probably forgetting way too many of them.


I think it depends on one's linguistic background--um halb zehn translates as 9:30, whereas um halb neun translates as 8:30. For me, half 10 means 9:30 and half 9 means 8:30 and always will. 

Useless as tits on a bull is my favourite version.


----------



## taxlady

CWS4322 said:


> I believe "half nine" comes from German where um halb neun means at half past 8 whereas um halb zehn means half past nine or more literally at half before 10.


Nope, that's only the Germanic way. BTW, the half something, meaning 1/2 before, shows up in Danish numbers. E.g., 50 in Danish: halvtreds. It means half the third score.


----------



## Gravy Queen

We have so many I wouldn't know where to begin .

Half nine is easy , it's half nine . How can it even be up for question ? 9 is the hour , half past is half past the hour so half nine .


----------



## CWS4322

The question to which I was responding as a linguist was:

One thing that drives me nuts about Brit fic, does "half nine" mean half  before nine or half after nonr? (a.m./p.m. -- now if we just all switch  to mil time 0930 it would be unambiguous.)

The answer re: the ambiguity is that it comes from German and that if one translates um halb neun it translates into English as 8:30, not 9:30m and um halb zehn translates as 9:30. I'd have to get into the etymology of the phrase in English to track it back to German, but to me, it makes perfect sense that it comes from German. For me, because half + any hour was not a phrase I ever heard in English, the only connotation I have for half + any hour is German to English. 

To throw another monkey wrench into this, in French, after the 1/2 hour, one counts back from the hour:

*Il est huit heures moins le quart.* (It’s a quarter to 8.)


----------



## CatPat

CWS4322 said:


> I think it depends on one's linguistic background--um halb zehn translates as 9:30, whereas um halb neun translates as 8:30. For me, half 10 means 9:30 and half 9 means 8:30 and always will.
> 
> Useless as tits on a bull is my favourite version.



Oh! I did not know we could use the word "tits."

Very well, then. I heard this, and it is close: "As attractive as tits on an alligator."

For more of the gassy ones: "That went over like a fart in church." This means the bad idea or the useless action.

We have had much heavy rains for all the summer. One of our neighbors told us, "I don't know whether to let the back yard dry out or stock it with trout."

I made the joke about the rain to the tourists who came to visit the shop where I work. They said they had arrived from Indiana. I asked, "Did you drive, or fly, or did you swim?" They thought I was very funny.

I love these funny things! The American humor is very colorful.

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## taxlady

CWS4322 said:


> The question to which I was responding as a linguist was:
> 
> One thing that drives me nuts about Brit fic, does "half nine" mean half  before nine or half after nonr? (a.m./p.m. -- now if we just all switch  to mil time 0930 it would be unambiguous.)
> 
> The answer re: the ambiguity is that it comes from German and that if one translates um halb neun it translates into English as 8:30, not 9:30m and um halb zehn translates as 9:30. I'd have to get into the etymology of the phrase in English to track it back to German, but to me, it makes perfect sense that it comes from German. For me, because half + any hour was not a phrase I ever heard in English, the only connotation I have for half + any hour is German to English.
> 
> To throw another monkey wrench into this, in French, after the 1/2 hour, one counts back from the hour:
> 
> *Il est huit heures moins le quart.* (It’s a quarter to 8.)


But, the French is clear. Half three in Brit English = Half past three in US and Canadian English. We also say, "A quarter to three." meaning 2:45 in US/Cdn English.


----------



## taxlady

How about "tempest in a teapot"

And there's "getting your panties in a bunch" which has a Brit English equivalent, "getting your knickers in a twist".


----------



## CWS4322

knickers in a knot is how I heard that phrase growing up.


----------



## CWS4322

taxlady said:


> But, the French is clear. Half three in Brit English = Half past three in US and Canadian English. We also say, "A quarter to three." meaning 2:45 in US/Cdn English.


But the French is actually 8 hours minus a quarter.


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

I'm hopelessly confused. My question about "half 9" was specific to England. It appears to me that "half 9" in English translates to "half *past* 9" in American. 

Sadly, in novels it's rare an American could figure it out from the context.


----------



## Hoot

We use a couple of sayin's around here....
Busier than a one legged man in butt kicking contest.
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
When expressing surprise, I have been know to utter: Well, shut my mouth and call me mumbles.


----------



## CWS4322

Greg Who Cooks said:


> I'm hopelessly confused. My question about "half 9" was specific to England. It appears to me that "half 9" in English translates to "half *past* 9" in American.
> 
> Sadly, in novels it's rare an American could figure it out from the context.


Sorry--misunderstood your question. I know nothing about the British context, just the German and how I have always understood it because of my background in German (translation and linguistics) and Am. English.


----------



## taxlady

CWS4322 said:


> knickers in a knot is how I heard that phrase growing up.


I learned "knickers in a twist" from my Scottish ex, way before I ever heard "panties in a bunch". Until I moved to Denmark and had English friends, I thought knickers were trousers tha end and are tight just below the knee.


----------



## CWS4322

taxlady said:


> I "knickers in a twist" from my Scottish ex, way before I ever heard "panties in a bunch". Until I moved to Denmark and had English friends, I thought knickers were trousers that are end and are tight just below the knee.


----------



## CatPat

I love these! I did hear of getting the knickers in a twist in the UK. We became frustrated with the directions to a place and the man who gave us the directions told us not to get our knickers in a twist because it was close.

These are funny!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

taxlady said:


> I learned "knickers in a twist" from my Scottish ex, way before I ever heard "panties in a bunch". Until I moved to Denmark and had English friends, I thought knickers were trousers tha end and are tight just below the knee.



Google _define:knickers_ and you'll get both the loose fitting trousers gathered at the knee/calf and woman's/girl's underpants. If I remember my women's panty history in past eras women wore longer underpanties, not the bikini that (as far as I've seen) are popular with present day women.

Thus the expressions are IMO equivalent.


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

American: "I'm so sick I feel like I was 'et [ate] by a coyote and sh*t over a cliff!"


----------



## CWS4322

This is like shooting fish in a barrel.


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

CWS4322 said:


> This is like shooting fish in a barrel.



If I had a barrel of fish I'd just dump it over and pick them up when they quit flopping, and I wouldn't have to pick out the lead pellets.

I presume the proper weapon for shooting fish in a barrel would be a shotgun. You'd also need a barrel you didn't care about, and you'd have to live outside of city limits here in L.A. because it's illegal to discharge a firearm except (1) when defending yourself against a threat of murder or great bodily harm, (2) on a permitted firing range, or (3) in hunting season in an area permitted for hunting.


----------



## purple.alien.giraffe

Greg Who Cooks said:


> If I had a barrel of fish I'd just dump it over and pick them up when they quit flopping, and I wouldn't have to pick out the lead pellets.
> 
> I presume the proper weapon for shooting fish in a barrel would be a shotgun. You'd also need a barrel you didn't care about, and you'd have to live outside of city limits here in L.A. because it's illegal to discharge a firearm except (1) when defending yourself against a threat of murder or great bodily harm, (2) on a permitted firing range, or (3) in hunting season in an area permitted for hunting.



You could shoot them with a bow. Or slingshot. Or blow dart. Or airsoft gun. Or crossbow. Or potato launcher. Or nail gun. Or staple gun. Probably other things too.


----------



## Dawgluver

Don't get your knickers in a twist, or your shirt in a knot or your panties in a bunch. Well, hush my mouth!

Put on your Big Girl panties and deal with it.

Coyote ugly: you'll chew off your arm in order to get away from him/her

Two-bagger ugly: a bag for your head, and a bag for his/her head

Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints (my fave)


----------



## taxlady

There is a Danish saying I like. It's when someone is doing something very short sighted, "Peeing your pants to get warm".


----------



## CatPat

I am laughing too hard! I am writing these in the journal. 
Thank you all!

People are so very funny when given the chance to do so. Here is one more:
"That went over like a pregnant woman trying to pole-vault."

And:

"I know there is a hell. I work in retail."

"If you can read this, you're an idiot." (bumper sticker)

"My other car is a Tardis." (I love the Doctor Who!)

"Common sense is not all that common."

And thank you all!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## CWS4322

He's so stupid, he pees in the wind.


----------



## purple.alien.giraffe

From your friends at tech support, that would be an ID-10-T error. It's old I but I still hear it every so often.

I like the saying "There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary and those who don't." First time I saw it was in college. It was hanging over of my comp sci advisor's office door.


----------



## CWS4322

Oh, in northern MN when it is really, really cold at night (winter), it is a "three-dog night" meaning, you have to throw a third dog on the bed to stay warm.


----------



## middie

A lady Abuse to work with was from Tennessee and she was always saying that it was colder than a well diggers butt!!


----------



## CatPat

These are so funny! Thank you all! I am putting these in my journal. 
May I please have these more?

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## middie

Abuse= I used 

Did I mention I hate autocorrect?


----------



## CatPat

middie said:


> A lady Abuse to work with was from Tennessee and she was always saying that it was colder than a well diggers butt!!



Did you attempt to say "A lady I used to work with....?"

I am sure this spellchecker is of the evil sort.

I like that, middle!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## CatPat

middie said:


> Abuse= I used
> 
> Did I mention I hate autocorrect?



I do not get the auto-correct. Perhaps could disable this?

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## middie

I have tried. It won't disable


----------



## CWS4322

And then of course, when it was really cold in MN, it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.


----------



## middie

I have never heard that one lol


----------



## taxlady

CWS4322 said:


> And then of course, when it was really cold in MN, it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.


We say that here in Quebec too.

BTW, the cannon ball explanation for this expression is bogus: snopes.com: Brass Monkeys


----------



## Robin

I was born in Ohio but spent much of my life in Kentucky, so I have that southern twang going with my accent. Especially if I'm tired or comfortable with the company I'm in. 

So some things I'll say is...

"Y'all git upstairs an go play" (talking to my kids)
or
"Y'all are soundn like uh herd o elephants up their. Knock it off."


----------



## SherryDAmore

CWS4322 said:


> Oh, in northern MN when it is really, really cold at night (winter), it is a "three-dog night" meaning, you have to throw a third dog on the bed to stay warm.



Sorry, but I believe this is Australian.  The Aborigines use dogs to keep warm at night, and you quite correctly stated, a cold night is a three dog night.


----------



## CWS4322

We would "put another dog on the bed." And, in our house, there were three dogs, so it would be a "three-dog night." As is often the case, sayings can appear in more than one area.


----------



## PrincessFiona60

There's lots of folks who use dogs to stay warm.  I'm sure youve heard of the American group Three Dog Night .


----------



## bakechef

My mom uses the expression "built like a brick sh*t house"

Which means that someone has a very nice body or "build", because an outhouse built from brick is a very well built one indeed.


----------



## CatPat

Oh these are so very funny! I had some more of these in the other journals somewhere. I must locate those, also.

"Three sheets to the wind" means one is very drunken.

"Sh#t hit the fan." That is disgusting and leaves the large mess!

I am writing these into my journal!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Gravy Queen

Half nine is just a shortened version of half past nine . We use " a quarter to 3 " as well .  A lot of the sayings we all have are the same all over we just tailor them to our own countries really


----------



## Robin

CatPat said:


> Oh these are so very funny! I had some more of these in the other journals somewhere. I must locate those, also.
> 
> "Three sheets to the wind" means one is very drunken.
> 
> "Sh#t hit the fan." That is disgusting and leaves the large mess!
> 
> I am writing these into my journal!
> 
> Your friend,
> ~Cat



We say **** hit the fan all the time. It means that there's a lot of drama. A seemingly normal day went bad quickly.


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

purple.alien.giraffe said:


> You could shoot them with a bow. Or slingshot. Or blow dart. Or airsoft gun. Or crossbow. Or potato launcher. Or nail gun. Or staple gun. Probably other things too.



Or you just dump the barrel and let the water spill out. You've heard the term "a fish out of water." They stop moving after several minutes and are ready to clean or fillet.


----------



## taxlady

For someone mentally deficient:
He's playing with a 51 card deck.
One brick short of a load
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.


----------



## PrincessFiona60

One sandwich short of a picnic.


----------



## middie

Hamburger short of a happy meal


----------



## pacanis

Not a saying, but I'm sure most here will know what it means.
Cat, I am curious if you know what it is in reference to...

From a bumper sticker I saw yesterday:
Paddle faster, I hear banjos.


----------



## CWS4322

Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if he had a map.


----------



## Addie

For someone who puts on airs of wealth....

He doesn't have a pot to p**s in or a window to throw it out. 

I don't mind if you s**t on my doorsteps, but don't knock on my door and ask for toilet paper.

Two of my mother's favorites.


----------



## bakechef

Addie said:


> For someone who puts on airs of wealth....
> 
> He doesn't have a pot to p**s in or a window to throw it out.
> 
> 
> 
> Two of my mother's favorites.


My mom uses that one all the time,


----------



## Dawgluver

This cracked me up years ago, on a bumper sticker on the back of a delivery truck:  "Don't like my driving?  Dial 1-800-Eat Sh#t."


----------



## Gravy Queen

I see we use the same ones the world over , I do like that one though Dawg !!


----------



## Chef Munky

Best Bumper sticker I've ever read.

" You say I'm a B....!"... Like that's a bad thing?


----------



## taxlady

Chef Munky said:


> Best Bumper sticker I've ever read.
> 
> " You say I'm a B....!"... Like that's a bad thing?


One of my favourites.


----------



## CatPat

These are very funny! Thank you!

A bumpersticker: "Hang up and drive!"

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## middie

A personalized license plate (I can't make this up either)

RULOST2


----------



## PrincessFiona60

middie said:


> A personalized license plate (I can't make this up either)
> 
> RULOST2




LOL!


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

Dawgluver said:


> This cracked me up years ago, on a bumper sticker on the back of a delivery truck:  "Don't like my driving?  Dial 1-800-Eat Sh#t."



I seen it too.


----------



## CatPat

That is funny!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

It's funny, I called the 1-800-EAT number (more than once) and I get the "quick busy" signal. Evidently the number has been rendered permanently out of service by all the phone companies.


----------



## CWS4322

Canadian slang/sayings:

double-double: a coffee that has double cream and double sugar

If his I.Q. were any lower, we'd have to water him.

She'd try to sneak sunrise past a rooster.

He could stick handle his way through a box of matches.

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]          [/FONT]



[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]          If his I.Q. were any lower, we'd have to water him[/FONT]


----------



## Greg Who Cooks

CWS4322 said:


> Canadian slang/sayings:
> 
> double-double: a coffee that has double cream and double sugar



Here in US double-double means two hamburger patties and two slices of cheese on your hamburger.


Another saying: His IQ is lower than his body temperature...


----------



## CatPat

I made up some of the funny phrases. I told DA of the boring teacher: "I have met carpets which were more interesting than he."

When Gwen's car had the large amount of bird droppings upon its hood, I said, "I think every bird in the neighborhood finds the restroom facilities adequate, don't you?"

These are funny! I am very happy this posting is continuous!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## CatPat

"He's so ugly he could knock the buzzards off a sh!twagon." A farmer at the produce market said that about his own son!

He was correct, unfortunately.

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## middie

Ouch lol


----------



## Addie

A great southern one I always heard when I lived in Texas.

He has so much phony charm, he could talk a cat of the back of a fish wagon.


----------



## msmofet

pacanis said:


> Not a saying, but I'm sure most here will know what it means.
> Cat, I am curious if you know what it is in reference to...
> 
> From a bumper sticker I saw yesterday:
> Paddle faster, I hear banjos.


 
"I bet you can _squeal_ _like_ a _pig_." LOL


----------



## CatPat

I have seen this! I saw this movie called "Deliverance." DA has this.

"You got a pretty mouth."

Uckkkkkk!

And, "Paddle faster, I hear banjo music."

I did see the movie once with DA. I believe the one time was quite enough!

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## msmofet

CatPat said:


> I have seen this! I saw this movie called "Deliverance." DA has this.
> 
> "You got a pretty mouth."
> 
> Uckkkkkk!
> 
> And, "Paddle faster, I hear banjo music."
> 
> I did see the movie once with DA. I believe the one time was quite enough!
> 
> Your friend,
> ~Cat


 
Once was enough for me also.


----------



## CatPat

This movie disturbed me.

I do not like these.

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## middie

Did not see it. Don't think I want to now


----------



## CatPat

middie said:


> Did not see it. Don't think I want to now



It is best to leave this movie as unseen and go forward with the nice movies. 

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Zhizara

Although a disturbing movie, the banjo duel was amazing!


----------



## msmofet

Zhizara said:


> Although a disturbing movie, the banjo duel was amazing!


I agree. I did like that song/scene.


----------



## CatPat

I remember a friend of DA was from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and she described it this way:

"It isn't Deliverance, but you can see it from there."

Your friend,
~Cat


----------



## Roll_Bones

Some/most of the "sayings" I have heard over the years would not be appreciated on this forum.
That I can promise you.


----------



## taxlady

I learned this expression last week, "*Yak shaving*".

It's when you have to do some trivial tasks before you can accomplish the real task. Here's a good example,

"I want to wax the car today."

"Oops, the hose is still broken from the winter. I'll need to buy a new one at Home Depot."

"But Home Depot is on the other side of the Tappan Zee bridge and getting there without my EZPass is miserable because of the tolls."

"But, wait! I could borrow my neighbor's EZPass..."

"Bob won't lend me his EZPass until I return the mooshi pillow my son borrowed, though."

"And we haven't returned it because some of the stuffing fell out and we need to get some yak hair to restuff it."

And the next thing you know, you're at the zoo, shaving a yak, all so you can wax your car.

from Seth's Blog: Don't Shave That Yak!


----------



## Dawgluver

Taxy!

I always got a chuckle out of, "You can't polish a t*rd.".  When I did a lot of work with teens who made very questionable decisions, I was often told I was t*rd-polishing.


----------



## CatPat

HA!!

In Romania there is a saying for those who wear too much make-up: Please don't smile. I'd hate to see your face break.

With love,
~Cat


----------



## taxlady

CatPat said:


> HA!!
> 
> In Romania there is a saying for those who wear too much make-up: Please don't smile. I'd hate to see your face break.
> 
> With love,
> ~Cat


I have heard, "If she smiles, her face will crack." But, that is also used for people who always seem to wear frown.


----------



## KAYLINDA

One of my favorites is: My train of thought derailed and there were no survivors.


----------

