# Your funny for today..



## john pen (Jan 23, 2008)

Subject: The Blonde and the rooster                              

         A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here    
         and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure    
         out how to get                                                   
         started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when    
         it's                                                             
         finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the     
         box, it's a                                                      
         rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the     
         puzzle.                                                          
         She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread    
         all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks    
         at the box                                                       
         then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we     
         do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into     
         anything looking like a rooster. He then takes her hand and      
         says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of     
         tea and then' he says with a deep sigh... 'Let's put all the     
         Corn Flakes back in the box.'


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## Gary in VA (Jan 23, 2008)

LMAO


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## Pigs On The Wing BBQ (Jan 23, 2008)

Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you.  I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.


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## Smokey_Joe (Jan 23, 2008)

Pigs On The Wing BBQ said:
			
		

> Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you.  I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.



*I'm guessing either Val is Blonde....
or she has tried to put together that same rooster puzzle
or both   

just funnin with ya Val*


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## Pigs On The Wing BBQ (Jan 23, 2008)

Yea she is Joe, and you just made her list.  Oh yea, I forgot, she's a BLACK BELT! I can't run as fast as I could so I have to watch my step. Or think before I speek. (that's hard for me) OUCH.


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## john pen (Jan 24, 2008)

Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur
archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 feet and found traces of copper wire
dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug
to a depth of 20 feet.
Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: 'Texas archaeologist
have fou nd traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded th at their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one
hundred years earlier than the Cajuns.'
One week later, The Birmingham News reported the following: 'After digging as
dee p as 30 feet in fields near Tuscaloosa, Bubba (Earl Ed) Williams, an Alabama
graduate, football player, and self- taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in
Alabama they were already using wireless.


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## Pigs On The Wing BBQ (Jan 24, 2008)

Love it.


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## 007bond-jb (Jan 24, 2008)

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your 
previous actions.









3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you
not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says
this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four-year-old.


Little Tony


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you 
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The 
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting 
off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's 
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the 
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

  Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH


Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to 
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a 
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this 
situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow 
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you 
had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of 
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence 
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my 
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on 
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was 
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after 
another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know 
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your 
teeth, and make you fat"

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business


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## john pen (Jan 26, 2008)

When a woman wears a leather dress, 


A man's heart beats quicker,


And his throat gets dry,


He goes weak in the knees,


And he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?   











Because she smells like a new truck


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## john pen (Jan 31, 2008)

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and
drinking from his farm pond.
      The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in
it")
The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak
Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak
in English."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."


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## ronbeaux50 (Jan 31, 2008)

At a Cajun bar in south Louisiana the men were having drinks when in walks a very large woman wearing a sleevless sun dress. She walks right up to the bar and raises her unshaven underarm high over her head and anounces, " What man in this bar will buy this lady a drink!!"

All of the men at the bar duck their heads or turn away except for Thibedeaux who is very drunk and says" Buy that ballerina a drink!!"

The bartender complies.

The woman chugs it down and again raises her unshaven arm high above her head and says "What man in this bar will buy this lady a drink!!"

Again Thibedeaux says "Buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bar tender who is a friend of Thibedeaux asked him " Thibedeaux, I know know it's your money and if you want to buy her a drink that's OK, but why do you call her a ballerina??"







Thibedeaux says, " Any woman who can raise her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


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## john a (Feb 1, 2008)

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $800 he owes me?"


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## Pigs On The Wing BBQ (Feb 1, 2008)

That's a good one John!


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## Rag1 (Feb 1, 2008)

I saw a billboard sign that said:



NEED HELP, CALL JESUS



1-800-005-3787








Out of curiosity, I did.   A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.


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## Rag1 (Feb 1, 2008)

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.   Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his same serious voice, "I certainly hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Moral:  Everybody should learn military time.


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## Pigs On The Wing BBQ (Feb 1, 2008)

Rag said:
			
		

> I saw a billboard sign that said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


When I called a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out. 

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. 

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' 

Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

               Ask your mother.
__________________________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

    Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
__________________________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party ...

A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
__________________________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
__________________________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
__________________________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
___________________________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
___________________________________________________________

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
___________________________________________________________

9 ) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.
___________________________________________________________



11) What are the three words men hate to hear most during sex:

        'Is it in?'
___________________________________________________________

12) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

     'Honey, I'm home!'


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. 

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' 

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' 

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to  Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' 

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' 

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle..


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

Believe it or Not ......

I got so depressed last night that I called Lifeline. 

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

Advanced Medicine

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing.  We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor interjected, "You guys are way behind.  "We" are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and half the country will be out looking for work."


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## Bobberqer (Feb 1, 2008)

>Blind Salesman>>>

A woman goes into Smiths City to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 

The Smiths City salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $120.00.

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" 

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. 

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. 

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $160.00 please.

"The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $120.00. How did you get to $160.00?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $120.00, but the Duck Caller is $30.00 and the Fish Bait is $10.00."


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## john a (Feb 2, 2008)

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around 
it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and 
behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. 

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over 
to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


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## Bobberqer (Feb 2, 2008)

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. 

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied:

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


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## Griff (Feb 2, 2008)

Ed was in real trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife
was REALLY angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped
box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe,
ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him.


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## Bobberqer (Feb 3, 2008)

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded. 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwe ar out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out. 

"April," he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder... It's 'Miracle
Grow'."


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## john pen (Feb 4, 2008)

>Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife
says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you
get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said
proudly.'
What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking
her head in disgust.'Why on earth would an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on this
privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.Two, once in
a while I like to play with my money.Three, I like how
money feels in my hand.And, lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 2233 at Park Ridge
hospital.


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## Bobberqer (Feb 4, 2008)

Irish History Lesson- The Computer Age

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."


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## Bobberqer (Feb 4, 2008)

Irish History Lesson- The Computer Age

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."


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## john a (Feb 4, 2008)

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.  They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. 

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"  She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."  St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate. 

"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"  The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."  St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."


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## Bobberqer (Feb 5, 2008)

*A classic*

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. 

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.  

"Now, get down and crawl reery, reery fass to odder side of room." 

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  

Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now crawl reery, reery fass back to me." 

As she did, Dr Tang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf sex or dates." 

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, what is Ed Zach ary Disease?" 

Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like your ass."


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## john a (Feb 7, 2008)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. 

The deputy says," License and registration, please." 

"What for?" says the lawyer. 

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." 

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please." 

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" 

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!" the Deputy says. 

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. 

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
__________________


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## john a (Feb 7, 2008)

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken. 

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one
who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave. 

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife
Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." 

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" 
Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the in side
of a whorehouse smells like."


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## Nick Prochilo (Feb 10, 2008)

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. 
Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she 
arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there 
had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the 
worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against 
hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello." 
For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, 
Snow White called again, "Hello... Is anyone down 
there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came 
a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, 
"Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank
God. At least Dopey is still alive."


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## Bobberqer (Feb 11, 2008)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... 

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better".

"I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor  considered his question for a minute then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went  'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The  86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else  pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


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## john a (Feb 11, 2008)

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" 

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." 

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" 

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"


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## john pen (Feb 11, 2008)

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook, and really good with the kids'.

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.


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## john a (Feb 12, 2008)

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. 

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. 

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?' 

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?' 

'Yeah.' 

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.' 

'That's true, I do have a yard.' 

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.' 

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.' 

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.' 

'Yes, I do have a wife.' 

'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?' 

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?' 

'No.' 

'Then you're a queer.'


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## Smokey_Joe (Feb 12, 2008)

*LMAO...phew..... DAMN good thing I have a weedeater!  *


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## 007bond-jb (Feb 12, 2008)

For Rempy & friends :twisted: 
http://www.break.com/index/valentines-day-surprise.html


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## Nick Prochilo (Feb 12, 2008)

007bond-jb said:
			
		

> For Rempy & friends :twisted:
> http://www.break.com/index/valentines-day-surprise.html



I think the second one had both Puff & Greg in it!


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## Nick Prochilo (Feb 12, 2008)

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..." 

  1.  You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

  2.  You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

  3.  You have more wives than teeth.

  4.  You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

  5.  You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

  6.  You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

  7.  You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

  8.  You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

  9.  You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

  10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

  11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

  12.  If you've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


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## john a (Feb 14, 2008)

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. 

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. 

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." 

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." 

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. 

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. 

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. 

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. 

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. 

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."


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## john pen (Feb 14, 2008)

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all 
working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops 
out of it. 

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says 
the Genie. 

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the 
land to be forever fertile in Canada." 

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever 
fertile for farming. 

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, 
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can 
come in our precious land." 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall 
around those countries. 

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this 
wall." 

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick 
and completely su rrounds th e country. Nothing can get in or out; it's 
virtually impenetrable." 

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with 
water."


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## john a (Feb 15, 2008)

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. 

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?". She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." 

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! 

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?" 

"Lecturer", she says ," I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent." 

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!". 

"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."


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## Rag1 (Feb 15, 2008)

A barber is cutting a customer's hair when the door cracks open and a guy counts the number of customers waiting in the shop. He then closes the door and takes off. 
This starts to happen every Wed. Same deal, counts heads and leaves.
The barber tells the shoe shine boy to follow him next time it happens. Sure enough, next Wed he pops his head in the door, the boot black follows and returns later.
The barber says, "well, where did he go"? The boy answers. " your house".


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## john pen (Feb 18, 2008)

TEXAS CIRCLE FLIES 



A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social 
function where Hillary Clinton is trying to gather 
more support for her nomination. Once she discovers 
the cowboy is a Republican, she begins to belittle 
his talking in a southern drawl and single syllable 
words. 
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some 
flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy 
says, "Y'all having some problem with them 
circle flies?' 
She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's 
what they're called. But I've never heard of circle 
flies." 
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang 
around ranches. They're called circle flies because 
they're almost always found circling around the back 
end of a horse." 
"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. 
But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are 
you calling me a horse's ass?" 
"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much 
respect for the citizens of New York to call 
 their 
Senator a horse's ass." 
"That's a good thing," she responds and 
 begins 
rambling on once more. 
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best 
 Texas 
drawl says, . . . "Hard to fool them flies though."


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## Bobberqer (Feb 18, 2008)

john pen said:
			
		

> TEXAS CIRCLE FLIES
> 
> 
> 
> ...



LMAO !!!!


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## Bobberqer (Feb 18, 2008)

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. 

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" 
"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just 
hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden w here they would sit and talk and 
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting 
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied... 
"Parkinson's"


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## Smokey_Joe (Feb 25, 2008)

*Who is doing the work?????

The population of the USA is 300 million. 



160 million are retired. 



That leaves 140 million to do the work. 



There are 85 million in school. 



Which leaves 55 million to do the work. 



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. 



Leaving 15 million to do the work. 



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. 



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. 



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. 



And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 



At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals. 



Leaving 1, 212,000 to do the work. 



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 


That leaves just two people to do the work. 



You and me. 


And there you are, 



sitting on your ass, 



at your computer, reading jokes. 



Nice. Really Nice.!!! *


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## john pen (Feb 29, 2008)

THE WEDDING TEST 

I was a very happy man.   My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near 
me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to have been deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.   She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that 
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.   She told me that she wanted me just once befor e I got married and committed my life to her 
sister. 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.   She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get 
me." 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I 
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.   


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

And the moral of this story is:   






Always keep your condoms in your car.


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## Nick Prochilo (Mar 1, 2008)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 

"Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


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## Rag1 (Mar 2, 2008)

*my turn*

Old joke
----- Original Message ----- 
From: don critchfield 
To: jerry white ; bill mark ; olga epelboim ; josh critchfield ; jaschasspen@aol.com ; gene critchfield ; Ellen Sisser ; careenc@msn.com ; wjduda@aol.com ; geri ; anna critchfield ; angela campanella ; Boris Hlushchenko 
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 9:31 AM
Subject: cannibals



Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." 

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"


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## BchrisL (Mar 2, 2008)

*Re: my turn*



			
				Rag said:
			
		

> Old joke
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: don critchfield
> To: jerry white ; bill mark ; olga epelboim ; josh critchfield ; jaschasspen@aol.com ; gene critchfield ; Ellen Sisser ; careenc@msn.com ; wjduda@aol.com ; geri ; anna critchfield ; angela campanella ; Boris Hlushchenko
> ...



Two cannibals sitting on a river bank, eating a clown. One looks up and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"


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## Nick Prochilo (Mar 5, 2008)

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just
try this experiment. Put your dog & your wife in the trunk of the
car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to
see you!


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## Nick Prochilo (Mar 9, 2008)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.


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## john a (Mar 10, 2008)

Old guy is getting has annual checkup and doc asks how he feels. Fine except I have a big bowl movement every mornionhg at 8:00 says the old dude. Nothing wrong with that says doc, old guy responds "but I don't get out of bed until 9:00.


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## 007bond-jb (Mar 10, 2008)

http://www.guzer.com/videos/skateboard_popsicle_kid.php


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## 007bond-jb (Mar 10, 2008)

http://www.guzer.com/videos/skateboard_popsicle_kid.php


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