# I need some advice



## LEFSElover (Dec 6, 2007)

I'll cut to the chase.  My/our DIL and I aren't very close.  There have been issues almost from the start.  I’ve tried all ways to fix but have continued to fall short.  I love her.  That much is true.
My son and his wife are having a baby.
It'll be their first boy, due in March.
They have two little darling girls.
In an effort for me to appear the MIL she'd like to have, I sent a package with Halloween things for our DGD's [and stuff for her as she enjoys scrap booking].  In that same package I enclosed 3 little darling blue boy things, seeing as they're having a baby boy. This was all before Halloween.   I even enclosed the receipt in case she didn't like what I'd gotten for the little guy, but how could she not, all 3 things were soft/cozy/baby blue, and right up her alley > pricey.  They were no real big deal, but something to start a little collection for their soon to be son.  They have all pink stuff obviously.
I never heard a thing from her.
I just wrote her an email about this.  But, after reading it and it was not a big deal and kind of short, I didn't do it and thought I'd come in here and ask for much good advice on how to approach this subject.
They need me to baby-sit for a week in January, which I also brought up [but also isn't sent yet awaiting your words of wisdom].
I've sent her emails about the January thing, the dates she'd hope to have me there that would suit her needs most, and I've not heard.  Our son is out of state until February in school which is why she needs me to help her with the little dolls.
Please advice me what to say to her in an email.  Please help me with my words because this is a tender piece of very thin ice that I'm treading on.  I don't want to seem like I'm demanding a thank you, but I would like an acknowledgement of receiving my gift, otherwise, I don't know it's not lost in the mail.
I'll thank you here for any and all advice.

LL


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## Fisher's Mom (Dec 6, 2007)

Ooooh, you are on thin ice here. You might want to send an "oh, by the way" email that says you just wanted to make sure they had received the package because sometimes the postal service has issues around the holidays. Then mention that you are looking forward to keeping the girls and ask her to remind you what days so you can plan some fun activities. If you still receive no reply, then she is purposely not responding.

If I were you, I'd _choose_ not to take offense because if your son has to take sides, he'll have to side with the mother of his 2 1/2 kids. Total crap but that's how it is. I really feel for you because I have a similar situation with one son's girlfriend and because I chose a more direct route, things are very strained. Good luck to you because I know this is tough for you.


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## Uncle Bob (Dec 6, 2007)

Using the KISS principle let me suggest. 

No E-Mail..Make a phone Call...it's more personal..more informal.
Call and just Chit chat..about anything and everything..you know the usual stuff. 
Then..."Well I just wanted to call and say Hi blah, blah, blah",..Oh by the way, What did you think of the three little blue "footy suits" ???  pause and let her respond. Accept whatever she says. Cased closed. Don't force the issue.


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## Andy M. (Dec 6, 2007)

I vote for a phone call as well.  Email can often be misread as far as the sender's tone and that would be unfortunate.


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## Fisher's Mom (Dec 6, 2007)

Yes, but only if they normally chat on the phone. Lots of MIL/DILs only talk on the phone briefly in passing when calling to talk to the son. In that situation, a phone call would only place emphasis  on the issue.


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## GB (Dec 6, 2007)

Coming from someone who has been in this situation somewhat recently I have to agree with the phone call, BUT that can backfire too (not to scare you). Sometimes some people are just never going to be happy with what you do.

If you truly do not think it is a big deal then my advice, no matter how hard this may be, is to not even mention it. Just let it roll off your back. She knows she didn't send a note and she knows you know it. By you mentioning it, it will just make her feel (insert emotions here). She might apologize and feel bad about it or she might think something else. If it is not a big deal though then just let it go if you can.


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## mikki (Dec 6, 2007)

Just like UB said a phone call,not email. My MIL goes through my DH for everything, Makes me feel like I'm a little kid or not worth talking to.  I would say something like, I know things are hectic with (son) gone so I figured I would call so we could get our schedules matched up. If you don't want to look like you asking for a Thank You you could ask if she needed anything else for the new little boy. If she still doesn't let on that she got the package in the mail. Just ask her if she received it and say no more about it.
Fishers mom-- I don't think its total crap that the son sides with his wife, he should support his wife. My DH always sides with his Mom and I have to prove myself to him. Makes life pretty rough for everyone in house.


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## csalt (Dec 6, 2007)

LEFSELover; I'm sorry for the hurt and yes even anguish of heart you must be feeling. 
Uncle Bob is right I believe. Don't send the email. Once it's gone you cannot change it. In a phone call you can kind of 'feel your way'
I'd even be tempted not to mention the gifts you have sent but just ask them to confirm the dates they want you to be there and say you're looking forward to it.
It probably sounds as though this is easy to say when *you* are the one feeling hurt.
We had a situation some years ago where our daughter didn't speak to me for 5 years. It hurt terribly but I refused to be drawn into the confrontation she wanted and waited and prayed and now everything is healed again. So have courage good friend. Hang in there and try to be sparse rather than plentiful with the words and come here when you are feeling especially hurt and need to 'sound off'


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## ChefJune (Dec 6, 2007)

I think I'd go with GB's suggestion and not mention the package.  If you're truly worried it might not have gotten there, ask your son.  He will know, or he can find out.

I'd call and say you're looking forward to looking after the girls in January and wondered what dates she is expecting you to be there (or available, whichever is applicable).  

My sister had this kind of problem for the past 18 years with her oldest's wife.  They are divorced now, so she doesn't have to deal with the "darling" much any more. Thankfully.


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## In the Kitchen (Dec 6, 2007)

*Club*

Join the club!  Seems saying 'thank you' today is not in many people's vocabulary.  I don't like to say this, but when I send something that I feel is worth an acknowledgement I have stopped expecting it.  I  just know I tried and keep on trying for your son's sake.  I only hope she appreciates your son.  and that your son appreciates you.  You are in sensitive place and wanting her to do what you think she may not always happen.  I don't get it either why people are getting this way.  Really hurts. Makes me think people just have too much.  I have gotten very cynical about people not being more grateful.  We could all have less and that is the time we would remember to say thanks.  

Just look forward to helping your son's family in January.  May be the time when she will realize all you do and have done.  Takes time.  Not easy.


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## kadesma (Dec 6, 2007)

Ahh I know the feeling..Over the years, I've had times when I want to ask my d-i-l what is the problem..But, I can see my son loves her dearly, and I won't break a promise I made to myslef when they married...That was, stay out of it!!! I seldom call them, I only see the girls on their birthdays and Christmas..DH and I have given money for saddles,horses, fancy tack..And the girls write everytime and say thanks..But the girls really don't know us..We have never had the pleasure of watching them or taking them places..We are allowed to attend their plays and rodeo events...But, again, my son is so happy with his family that no way would I complain or say a word...I feel my daughter in laws job is to make a happy home and love my son and their children, nothing is written that she care for me..I love her for her dedication to her family and my son. Tha's enough for me..I've been blessed with 3 other children who have surrounded me with little one to love and care for..
So, I'd say to you..Drop it, look see if the kids have worn or used what you sent when you go there..Sit back and wait eventually the kids will spill the beans when you least expect it..Remember she has the power to withhold those babies, and you don't want that for them or your son or for YOU!
kadesma


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## mikki (Dec 6, 2007)

In the kitchen all is not lost, when my kids were little I made them call Relatives and say Thank You for cards etc.  Now they are 15 & 18 The last time They got something in the mail I mentioned that the needed to call whoever and they had already made the call, hooray for them!!!!


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## LEFSElover (Dec 6, 2007)

Well, as you can see, there are several very different things for me to consider here. I was hoping that it'd be a simple fix and that most of you would have said the same thing.  But not so.

I am in the dolldrums here as to what to do but I do know, that I'll continue reading these opinions, of all of you brilliant people and I honestly mean that, and then I'll put it to a higher source.

Please if you wouldn't mind or for those of you who may have something to add, continue what your thoughts are on this.  It's been a very hard 5 years and we are only now barely getting back up to snuff.  Our son is amazing and it's been hard on him too.  You can't pick your inlaws, just your spouse and whatever comes along with him or her, is what you get.  Never in a million years thought I'd be the MIL from H&!! though.


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## auntdot (Dec 6, 2007)

I hate to give advicd on relationships. Particularly when I don't know the personalities involved.

Me, I would probably forget about the package, just hoping it got there.  I know when we send packages UPS, which we do fairly often, there is a tracking number and you can find out if it has been delivered on the web. I believe the USPS has something like that but don't know how to go about it. In the future you might want to look into that. At least you will know the item arrived.

Clearly you want no rift with your son or estrangement form your grandkids.  I think I would try to put myself in a frame of mind where I would always be the pleasant MIL, no matter how unfair I felt about the situation.

You cannot win here.  You have to decide what is most important to you.  To me it would be the continuing contact with my grandkids and son. And I hope I would act to secure those relationships.

And if it meant pasting a smile on my puss and acting like butter would not melt in my mouth when I was seething inside I hope I would have the strength to do it.

Auntdot is not known for that - some folks are a lot better than I.

Sorry. None of this may be applicable to your situation.  Just a few thoughts.

But I do wish you all the best.


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## love2"Q" (Dec 6, 2007)

As it seems you have a strained relationship with your DIL .. i would not say 
anything .. while it is rude that you have not gotten a note or call saying thank you ..
keep in mind .. she is 7 or 8 months pregnant and has 2 children that it sounds 
like she is taking care of herself .. thank you notes and phone calls may not 
be a high priorety to her at this time .. but who knows


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## Uncle Bob (Dec 6, 2007)

It is never wrong to reach out with love and caring, or kindness and a gentle spirit  even if it is rebuked.  "A soft answer......."  Always take the High road. Let others find the road they must travel. 

I still vote for phone call over e-mail given those two choices.  Whether to bring up the "gifts' and say anything, only you know what you are comfortable with.


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## Fisher's Mom (Dec 6, 2007)

mikki said:


> Just like UB said a phone call,not email. My MIL goes through my DH for everything, Makes me feel like I'm a little kid or not worth talking to.  I would say something like, I know things are hectic with (son) gone so I figured I would call so we could get our schedules matched up. If you don't want to look like you asking for a Thank You you could ask if she needed anything else for the new little boy. If she still doesn't let on that she got the package in the mail. Just ask her if she received it and say no more about it.
> Fishers mom-- I don't think its total crap that the son sides with his wife, he should support his wife. My DH always sides with his Mom and I have to prove myself to him. Makes life pretty rough for everyone in house.


I'm really sorry, mikki. I didn't make that clear and I never thought about how it might sound to someone on the other side of this situation. I do agree with you - a man should support his wife and family always. What I meant was that it was total crap if he should _have_ to take sides. A very bad situation for everyone involved. Again, my apologies for that sounding the way it did.


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## Bilby (Dec 6, 2007)

Lots of good advice here.  I feel Love2Q is closest to my suggestions though.  If she is due in March with (presumably) two little ones in the lead up to Christmas, she might just be finding everything rather hard at the moment and could just be very tired.  All extra niceties may just be that little bit too much effort at the moment.  She may also find that this pregnancy is vastly different from her other two, boys vs girls thing.

Give her a phone call and just ask after her health and how she is coping. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her, especially for when you go over in January.  If the present comes up - great! If it doesn't, you can drop her or your son a very brief little email after the call, saying something like "Ooh, forgot to ask if you got the package I sent you. Love x"

Even if you haven't had a phone relationship with her in the past, it is never too late to start. Just remember to keep the calls brief and jovial when you first start them.  That way they aren't forced and they aren't an imposition on either of you. Just remember to keep to neutral subjects and bite your tongue if you feel like saying something judgemental. Get in, be happy, get out again. Good luck.


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## LEFSElover (Dec 6, 2007)

auntdot said:


> Me, I would probably forget about the package, just hoping it got there. At least you will know the item arrived.


It arrived.  I got an email showing me the little girls and their halloween bags that I'd made for them, in their costumes.  The other stuff was in that same box which I'd sent through the Post Office.  Maybe from now on though, I should use ups or fed ex so I can track them, good idea.


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## Barb L. (Dec 6, 2007)

All I can say is that I agree with all above, My son and  dil have been separated for almost a  year and half.  I just try to keep peace with her because of my only two beautiful grandsons.  She was raised so differently  than my son .  So I don't expect anything from her.  I just try to remember she is my little ones Mom !  Thank goodness for age and wisdom !


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## expatgirl (Dec 6, 2007)

I agree totally with Barbara-----bear it for the sake of your grandchildren--who knows what is going on and she very well may be overwhelmed by all the responsibility that she is shouldering in additon to the expectation of a newborn.  Try and not take it personally---it's your grandchildren who will give you unconditional love and acceptance.  And in time, maybe your d-i-l will, too.  Just think of how happy you will be when that first GRANDSON comes along!!!!!!  Sail forward, bring your camera, and smile..............


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## PA Baker (Dec 6, 2007)

I'm glad you received those pictures today--I bet that's a relief!

I'd use those as your intro for a phone call, saying that you're just calling to thank her for the pictures (you understand how swamped she must be with raising 2 kids on her own while your son's out of town and dealing w/ another pregnancy) and to confirm a week for you to help out in January. If you're not comfortable with a quick phone call (or if you don't think DIL would be), don't feel badly. An email in response to those pictures would work fine, too. I know I'd be more than happy to get either of those from my IL's. We never hear from them and it would mean the world to me if we did.

{hugs} to you.  I think you're a special mom and MIL for being so concerned about this and wanting to make it "right"!


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## Katie H (Dec 6, 2007)

I'd  say since you received photos as evidence that your package was received, I'd let things go.  Continue as supportive and helpful.  You catch more  flies with honey  than vinegar.

I had my children very close  together,  had  2 in diapers for many years.  I  can understand  how busy and tired  she  must  be and how, possibly, overwhelmed  she could be with her husband  away.  She  has  a lot  on her  plate.

I feel blessed because of our 5 children, I have one son-in-law,  and 3 daughters-in-law  and we all get  along  as if they were part of  the  family  from day "one."  We all chat and interact on a regular basis, regardless whether their spouse is around or not.  That is, if  one of our sons isn't around,  we  enjoy talking to his  wife.    We still have one son who hasn't  married,  and  we hope  for  another  "daughter."

I can't  imagine  how  stressful it  is to be  in a "difficult"  relationship  with the spouses of our children.


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## LEFSElover (Dec 7, 2007)

*Update and done...*

Wanted to report this earlier but every time I went to post [and got anything written] the computer turned off. Weird as it was seemingly not the proper time to do the report.

After much deliberation and much thought, moreover much delving over all of your words and pondering your wisdom, I did what many of you suggested.
I called. No email. No answer, which was all right too. 
The message was loving, concerned,  genuine, supportive, slow and easy in speech and I think, well delivered. I did not mention what I shouldn't and did speak of what I should, just as you all eluded to.

It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email. 

I told her that I was proud of her and her efforts toward her beautiful family. I told her how proud I was of everything that she and her husband had accomplished in their young life together, as man and wife. I told her how much I am looking forward to being with the little girls come January and to please let me know of the best dates for her so I can be of the most help. I asked her how she's feeling and told her that I know how hard it is from my stand point, which is no where near what she is dealing with. And said that I know this is a hard time with pregnancy and her husband being gone finishing his schooling when its the holidays, she's a working mommy, has to take care of the girls and all the while being pregnant with their little one. I promised her that things will look up and soon, and that all of this, that looks like a big empty hole right now will be blossom into something truly wonderful for their family. I asked her to kiss the baby's for me, both of them, then added “no all 3 of them“, meaning the little one in her tummy, then said, all 4 of you, make sure all of you get kisses from me. I finished by telling her I love her and wished her a beautiful day. My tone was low and slow and soft, my words not rushed and honestly, it was something that wasn't that hard to do and like someone said, she may be reaching out, knowing she's done wrong, but maybe is seeing if I love her anyway.

Thank you to all who helped me with this, this was a tender time for me and I think it's all going to improve with time. I am so blessed for stopping my action and asking for advice here.


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## Fisher's Mom (Dec 7, 2007)

Lefse, you are such a lovely woman and I applaud you! Thankyou so much for posting this update because it is really touching. I can only hope my children are lucky enough to have a mother-in-law like you.


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## Bilby (Dec 7, 2007)

Actually on the strength of this thread, I phoned my SIL for an out-of-the-blue chat. She also wasn't home!! Must be something in the water...


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## csalt (Dec 7, 2007)

This has brought tears to my eyes Lefsel.
Fisher's Mom is right. You are a grace filled woman.
It doesn't matter whether she responds or not. You have done the right thing so just hang in there and remember you too are loved.
The bottom line is I think we'd crawl over broken glass for our children. If your son is happy that's what you want and he must be ( whether he says so or not) so grateful to have a Mum like you.
Enjoy your time with them in January.


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## suziquzie (Dec 7, 2007)

I think you handled it beautifully.
I am very blessed to have a great MIL, I am closer to her than my own mother.
I had a very difficult 3rd pregnancy myself, a girl after 2 boys. I was not working, I was lucky enough to be home with them. However, DH works 12-18 hours a day and it is more like being a single mom. Anyway, I don't care how tired or exasperated you are, if someone does something nice for you, you reply. And you CAN find time to reply. I tend not to use the phone myself, there is always too much chaos in this house. You can get up 10 minutes early and have some alone time (or 2 hours early in my case!) to take care of these things, and send 1 little e-mail saying thank you, here are the dates. 
It's awful that some people cannot just be considerate, it makes you feel like nice guys really do finish last. 
Ok I'm done. I hand my soapbox off the the next in line.....


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## mikki (Dec 7, 2007)

fishers mom-apology accepted,just hit a very raw spot in me,I'v been dealing with this for 18 years,can someone at this site take over as my MIL. Most of the advice was right on, it's hard for both parties.  Mother has someone else taking care of her son and DIL trying to take care of her husband as well as his mother wants her too. Anyways great advice from everyone.
  Lefse,I wish my MIL would do something like that, there is no way anyone could take offense to something as well said as that.


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## Uncle Bob (Dec 7, 2007)

Miss Lefse.....Ya done good!!


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## In the Kitchen (Dec 7, 2007)

*Blessing*



mikki said:


> In the kitchen all is not lost, when my kids were little I made them call Relatives and say Thank You for cards etc.  Now they are 15 & 18 The last time They got something in the mail I mentioned that the needed to call whoever and they had already made the call, hooray for them!!!!



mikki, thank you for bringing sunshine and hope into my early morning.  This is so encouraging to read your comments and know that what you hoped they would hear and do, they are showing you they have heard your instructions. So often we say things over and over, and over and over again, with the consistent thought that they will listen. Well, they surely have.  You can feel blessed as this is truly a definite sign and gift to you that the seeds you have sown are growing.  It is wonderful to receive this confirmation especially at this time of year.  I thank you so much for sharing and bringing hope into my day. May your life continue to bring you the joy and love from all your efforts.  It is such a blessing.


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## mikki (Dec 7, 2007)

Your Welcome. I'm definately a proud mama most of the time. My picture is of my two darlings last June ,oldest is now away at college and I miss her not being here.


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## In the Kitchen (Dec 7, 2007)

mikki said:


> Your Welcome. I'm definately a proud mama most of the time. My picture is of my two darlings last June ,oldest is now away at college and I miss her not being here.



I am sure she misses you too.  Way to go!


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## LEFSElover (Dec 7, 2007)

Kind and supportive words to my ears.
Thanks to all of you who spoke to me about this.
Very nice way to awaken this morning, and as I wrote to a friend, I slept well.


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## ChefJune (Dec 7, 2007)

Uncle Bob said:


> Miss Lefse.....Ya done good!!


What Uncle Bob said!


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## Katie H (Dec 7, 2007)

Bravo, LEFSE.  You've placed the first brick in a golden road ahead.


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## LEFSElover (Dec 7, 2007)

Katie E said:


> Bravo, LEFSE. You've placed the first brick in a golden road ahead.


I did Katie, and you know they say, Silence IS *golden*.  Sometimes a good spirt, kind heart and loving gestures win over when all else fails.
For all of you that are into little prayers, please keep me in them for a while. I need all the help I can get.
I got a thank you note from her today in the mail.  Thanking us for the baby's birthday presents.  That was such a blessing, see, things are already looking up because GIG.

Enjoy the weekend........


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## kadesma (Dec 7, 2007)

You did it!!! Way to go Grammy You were sweet,kind, thoughtful and most of all loving to your grand children's mother.I bet she needed the love you gave, taking care of the girls, working, DH away and at Christmas time too. As far as I'm concerned, you just earned your wings.
hugs to YOU for all you do.
kades


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## sattie (Dec 7, 2007)

That is great news LEFSElover.... I read your post and had been thinking about your situation.  I can not speak as a MIL, but as a DIL, I know that I have had trouble with my MIL for quite sometime and despite my efforts to try and have a relationship with her, I had pretty much given up on it.

I guess from my view point, I wished my MIL would call and speak to me, but she calls for her son and bypasses me as quickly as she can.  Or at least use to.

It is not until here recently that we have been able to be around each other and enjoy each other's company.  I guess time heals all wounds.  Plus, so much time has gone by, I can't even remember why I was mad at her to begin with.  She is the only parent figure I have left in my life and I know that I would love to have a relationship with her, someone I can talk to, share things with, go do things with.  You kinda yearn for that as you grow older and realize that after how foolishly I have held onto grudges and hurt feelings.

I hope this is a new beginning to a wonderful relationship with your DIL... I really think it is important to understand each other as adults, to respect each other's concerns and beliefs, and to forgive the past.


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## In the Kitchen (Dec 7, 2007)

*Hope*

Well, you surely can't write her off now.  Must have gotten telepathy that we were all thinking of her and sent you a note. Good to hear.  Prayers surely do help anytime and now is one of those times.  Always pray that things will continue to get better and grow stronger but remember never to expect  her to be exactly the way we all would want her to be.  Just so she is good to you son is more important than anything.  He is the main reason while all of this is going on.  I wish you and your family bright days ahead.  Thanks for giving us the good news.  Feel relieved.


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## LT72884 (Dec 7, 2007)

Uncle Bob said:


> It is never wrong to reach out with love and caring, or kindness and a gentle spirit  even if it is rebuked.  "A soft answer......."  Always take the High road. Let others find the road they must travel.
> 
> I still vote for phone call over e-mail given those two choices.  Whether to bring up the "gifts' and say anything, only you know what you are comfortable with.


I say the same thing. A phone call to me shows that you have courage and want to actually confront the issue and get things done and put it on the table. Email and texting has no emotion behind it. It doesnt allow the soul to dig deep for what really counts and for the true emotions a person wants to share.

EDIT

wow im a day late on this one. Well at least you did something rather than ignore it. I congratulate you on that. Best of luck and im outa here. gotta go to school


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## In the Kitchen (Dec 8, 2007)

*Strong message*

LEFSElover:  The words that 'jumped' off the page for me, were, 

It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email. 

There are times when the thoughts I have seem not to be my own. My human nature would have told her to 'just wait and see if I send her something again'.  But when you take your anger and problems to the One who knows BOTH of you, it just changes the whole picture.  This happened regarding my dear mothers funeral.  Everyone expected a breakdown and I was actually smiling.  I knew where my mother was and how could I have been sad. I never ever would have thought how it all happened.  

I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, very personal.  Anyone who reads them should be moved to look at their own life and wonder if they themselves are doing their best, in other words 'being the bigger than the problem'?  Your words are so precious to me.  They have such love and understanding, I, myself, wonder if I could have been as loving as you.  As I have said, it really hurts but you just removed the pain when you expressed your 'inner thoughts'.

I know you and your family are being blessed and I wish it to only grow more strong with each day.  This season has truly brought you the love that it is meant to do.  Bless all of you .


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## LEFSElover (Dec 8, 2007)

In the Kitchen said:


> LEFSElover: The words that 'jumped' off the page for me, were,
> 
> It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email.
> 
> ...


God love you and God bless you, very kind of you to say the things you did here.
I have a very strong faith, very strong. God has blessed me in so many ways but as I've said in the past, He's not done with me yet. I pitty those who have no faith because who is their ''go to'' person?  A person that sits higher up on the chain of brilliance than they themselves?
I can take the higher road but almost didn't.  See?  We're all falable. And we all need additional help from others possibley put there by Him anyway...{?}
Blessings to you....


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## LEFSElover (Jan 16, 2008)

*Update as of today, 1/16/08*

Today, I sent the email. I wrote it, sent it to my husband for an okay of sorts, he called and I read it to him as he wasn't at his desk.
He said, "send it,there's nothing wrong with what you said and if she finds fault with it, that's her problem."
So, I did.
I've not heard from her since I wrote this origianl thread, except around Christmas when we got our token visit. Not from her, but from DS and his 2 DD's.
She came over later, as he called her and told her she should. I'd made a big dinner expecting them, but then, it's all I did was expect, they'd never said they were actually coming for dinner or she was actually coming at all. They said, _*they'd be there,*_ so foolishly, I just assumed.
So, after much praying [I'm sure He's now bored with me and rightfully so] I wrote today, wishing a belated birthday greeting. We'd sent her her present to arrive before her day.
I've not heard if she got it, but am relatively sure she did. [I sent a box to our other son the same day, also via FED EX, they live in the same city, and he got his.]
I've never heard a thing from her about Christmas and if she liked what she got or not.
I've never heard still about that gift I'd sent to our unborn little guy either.
I never heard what days I should plan on coming to babysit, therefore, now, my schedule is full for the month and the babysitting can't so won't happen.
The email brought up not sitting and never hearing if she got the baby's gift or not. Yea, I did put her on the spot but at this point and after a conversation I had last week with our youngest son, I decided it was a worthwhile thing to write to her and maybe she'd come around. If not, I'm moving to Egypt.
After I bored you all with this plight of mine, I wanted to just give you this update.
I know many will say, gad, get over it.  It's just a little hard for me to deal with this when much other stuff goes on too.
Again, GIG.......I also know LG&LG.........as well as BSAKTIAG..........and I'll continue counting on Him for support and an end to this drama...
No need to comment, just wanted to let you know of the latest outcome. There isn't one...so far, but I know things are in the works somehow...


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## Bean208 (Jan 16, 2008)

I am new to the forum and just found this thread today.  I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your daughter-in-law in this situation.  I have confidence that the Lord can do a work in her heart and soften it towards you.  

I just gave birth to my only son this past fall and I was just talking with my mil about the love between a mother and a son.  I know there will come a day when there will be another woman in his life and I can only be praying now that she will welcome me with the same love that I will have for her.  My heart breaks for you that this is a strained relationship.


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## CharlieD (Jan 16, 2008)

You know, she is a *****. Like or dislike, love or hate there are simple rules. You get a present like it or not you say thank you. She is simply rude. But your son lives with her and I hope they ar happy. And live it at that. Don't say anything not to her and for sure not to him. You are a good person.


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## jpmcgrew (Jan 16, 2008)

Just keep doing what your doing whether she appreciates it or not hopefully she will come around but if she does not just keep doing what you you do as it is coming from the heart if she can't see it then there is nothing more you can do but I can guarantee you as the grand kids get older they will notice what you are doing. What is her relationship with her her parents like? That might give you a clue to her behavior.


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## girdhar (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi,
I think you must make a call as voice is one of the most effective way to convey your feeling  somebody . I hope you will be doing that .


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## Bilby (Jan 17, 2008)

I think you are going to have to switch off a bit from your DIL - mentally - as it is only you that is obviously suffering here.  For whatever reasons, you and she behave differently - and I am not judging anyone, just saying.  Think of it a bit like peak hour traffic - you would like it to be different, but it is what it is, and worrying about it won't change a thing.  Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie.  Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out.  She might mellow with it. Never know.  Be peaceful for your own sake.


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## DawnT (Jan 17, 2008)

I agree with Bibly on this.  You need to step away, keep contact with your son and grandbabies and when and only when she is ready to be a daughter _forget and forgive_.  I know it won't be easy but then nothing in this world worth a hill of beans is, is it?  Until then, know that you have God and your family here at DC on your side.  Faith and Love with lots of hugs.  :>)    Dawn


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## buckytom (Jan 17, 2008)

Bilby said:


> Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.


 
agreed, 100%!

lefse, i'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. just try not to let it get you down. the rest of the family needs you, especially the grandbabies, to continue on. 
hopefully she'll come to her senses.


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## LEFSElover (Jan 17, 2008)

DawnT said:


> I agree with Bibly on this.  You need to step away, keep contact with your son and grandbabies and when and only when she is ready to be a daughter _forget and forgive_.  I know it won't be easy but then nothing in this world worth a hill of beans is, is it?  Until then, know that you have God and your family here at DC on your side.  Faith and Love with lots of hugs.  :>)    Dawn


Thank you Dawn.  I do have the ability to forgive and forget.  God taught me that.  Or I should say how to.  I went to school with a very mean spirited lady years and years ago for this career.  She was young and all fired up about herself/her life/her thing.  Hated me.  Made it obvious. I didn't have much time to be concerned as schooling about killed me.  Years later, she deliberately walked up to me from no where, sat next to me, and said let's talk.  *About what* was my answer.  She wanted to 'now' be buds.  I told her *she hated me and that I was waaay over that and done with her and her antics.*  She asked *if we could later have lunch on the beach, in Maui.*  I told her *I was going to the beach and was going to be eating lunch.  If we met up there, okay.*  We did, and swam and talked all day.  She told me she'd been watching me over the years, had come to appreciate me.  She told me she loved me and asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive her so we could be friends.  I did, that was it, never looked back or thought of it again, and today, that Dr. and I are best friends.


Bilby said:


> I think you are going to have to switch off a bit from your DIL - mentally - as it is only you that is obviously suffering here. For whatever reasons, you and she behave differently - and I am not judging anyone, just saying. Think of it a bit like peak hour traffic - you would like it to be different, but it is what it is, and worrying about it won't change a thing. Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.


We are all different individuals.  God made us that way for a reason.  I think it hurts to have your personality challenged and made fun of or hated may be a better word.  But your words here are correct and I know better.  It's wrong to let anyone steal your joy, it's not supposed to be in their power. Thank you, words well taken.  Today, I will be joyous, therefore, victorious.


girdhar said:


> Hi,
> I think you must make a call as voice is one of the most effective way to convey your feeling somebody . I hope you will be doing that .


 Not sure if you read the entire post from the beginning.  I was told to call her and did.  She didn't pick up the phone, maybe not home when I did call, but I've not heard from her, even after that.  I wrote the type of phone call that was too, earlier on this thread, it was a call I felt very comfortable making, was from the heart, and loving.





jpmcgrew said:


> Just keep doing what your doing whether she appreciates it or not hopefully she will come around but if she does not just keep doing what you you do as it is coming from the heart if she can't see it then there is nothing more you can do but I can guarantee you as the grand kids get older they will notice what you are doing. What is her relationship with her her parents like? That might give you a clue to her behavior.


  My concern is that the grand kids won't know me.  Also, as they get older, they'll realize that their mommy and us/me don't have a relationship.  I also fear they'll pick up on her negative remarks about me, of which I hear, are constant and many.  I fear I won't know this little grandson at all. Her relationship with her parents is good.  She complains about her mother (retired now and able to babysit/watch the kids) being so nervous around the kids when she has babysat.  Says she'd never ask her to babysit again.  But then of course, does.  Her folks are nice enough, quite a bit older or so it seems than we are, her dad is same as her husbands dad, a rocket doctor. Her mom is retired, I'm 12+ years into my career, after being the beauty field 22 years, it's not like we're ???
Again to all of you who've helped this usually happy and delighted person to heal through this strain, a {{{{{{{{{{{thank you}}}}}}}}}}}}.  I really do appreciate all of your wisdom and advice.  Forgive my complaining, God's not done with me yet...


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## CharlieD (Jan 17, 2008)

First of all an apology on my spelling, it's terrible. First of all I spelled “live” instead of love; second of all I spelled “live” instead of leave. 

Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?!

But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same. 
Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.


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## csalt (Jan 17, 2008)

CharlieD said:


> Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?! You have to think about the promises you made when you married. Also about what God said about marriage, that 2 halves would become part of the same whole. That means your wife not your Mother. When our 2nd child was born my Mother treated him very differently from our firstborn. I had to take her on one side and tell her that it had to change otherwise she would no longer be welcome in our home. She did change.
> Before we were married we moved Heaven and Earth to find my husband's real Mother. She had left when they were young children. We did find her although she was not pleased. She then spent her time telling DH how miserable he would be married to me. I gave him  a choice. Walk away and break off the engagement and continue seeing her, or choose to marry me and suggest she cease her mischief making. We are still married and he has no regrets.
> We give thanks for the ups and downs of the last 40 years which we have shared together, but not in misery
> But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same. Not without asking permission you shouldn't however much you may want to. That would be a disrespectful , mischievious and disruptive thing to do
> Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.


It may be breaking your heart but one day things will change and there will be a reconciliation. You will always be there in the background with your love, stability and loyalty and they both *know *that in their heart of hearts and one day will come to you.
I'm not just making this up. I have been in that situation with our daughter and in the end it did work itself out. No parent deserves to be hurt in such a way and I am deeply sorry for your hurt Lefsel but I also know what a courageous faith you have. Hang in there.


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## babetoo (Jan 21, 2008)

*dil*

i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not  cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time

we have had several different relationships over the years. when she was young i was a font of knowledge for her. helped with babies , illness etc.

now that i am getting old, she threats me like a child. she is a phony of the first order. she says she will do things and then never does. so when she says she will come over i never wait. only time she comes is when she wants something. ie hemming pants , etc for her. once she asked me to make cookies for her cookie exchange at work. lol

she has been getting me pictures of new great grandchild for two weeks. it will never happen. 

my way of dealing is just to know who i am dealing with and faking it. life is to short to wait for things to change. they are as they are. 

my son and i have great friendship and i deal mostly with him.  making very sure never to say anything bad about her. a cop out, probably but it works for me and keeps everything on an even keel.

babe


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## Maverick2272 (Jan 21, 2008)

Lots and lots of good advice on this thread.

All I can say is _never_ force an issue and _never_ force a choice.
The issue always explodes and the choice is always the one you didnt want.

Render an opinion, air a concern, always be the better person, trust in yourself that you raised a good child, keep hope for the future.

I should be so wise as to take my own advice, LOL.

My mom and dad forced me to chose between them and my wife, the reality was they offered no choice at all. What they really meant/wanted was for me to "do as we say or else." 
I told them this was my life, and I planned on living it according to my rules but hoped they would share the journey with me.

I havent heard from them in four years.

And yes, I told my wife the same thing. I am not here to run her life, I dont want her running my life. We married to share our lives, and I hope its a long long journey.

JMYO


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## LEFSElover (Jan 22, 2008)

babetoo said:


> i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not  cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time.babe


Hum, is her name............................no, I won't go there.
Our DIL doesn't cook or clean or do the laundry either.  Our DS does it all too and keeps the baby girls all day, while he's struggled to finish up college and career school, but not any more.  He is now an employed man.  College=done...Career training=done...
She's really struggled since he left end of November for training, out of state.  She is pregnant, due in March.  She works full time as an RN. * She has been the wage earner *while son was in the *USCG/school/training/sole mommy+daddy to the baby's. * Financially, it's been her, all the rest, it's been him.  So it's been pretty equal.  We take nothing away from her for this and applaud her for the efforts she's made for the family in the finances.  We've also watched him stressed out, tired, frustrated etc.  That's part of life though, we all suffer those things.  We've watched her verbally put him down and watched him sink into himself.  At those times, we've either walked out of the house or turned our backs.  That is very hard.

Email came after I sent that one to her.  It was pleasant, thanked me for the gifts I'd/we'd sent her for her birthday, said she loved them and needed them and that they fit perfectly and will even after the baby.  She also mentioned never receiving the presents for the little guy > [and for those I PM'd this info to already, forgive the repeat].  I wrote her back saying it was in the box with the Halloween things that I'd sent and was it possible that she just didn't look down inside it deep enough?  Frustrating for me that she didn't look in the box better.  There were 3 good sized gifts in there, how could she miss them?  What's a person to say about that though?  
My MIL used to scold me for not writing a thank you note to her when she'd sent us money for our anniversary.  I told her every time, "I saw the card, thank you for the card, I saw nothing else to thank you for in it, so you may want to scold your son who opened the card and removed its' contents rather than me."
I keep getting wonderful advice from fine folks all across the nation, most of which I've never met.  Just talked to a secretary at my work this morning, who asked me if I'd flooded the bathroom or if any other major drama was in my life of late [she knows about our DS#1's broken back too and most other drama].  I told her no, I'd been good to watch the tub but that I had being plagued by our DIL over the last many months.  I won't say her words to me, she is so very precious, but I will say, she also said she was going to continue praying for our little guys' back and now will add our DIL.
People are so very good, God knows what the outcome will be, I'll just wait and try to be patient and keep my mouth shut...


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## Alix (Jan 22, 2008)

I once heard a saying that kept ringing through my mind as I read this thread. 

"A son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter to the end of her life"

Lefse, it is clear with every word how much you love your son. Trust him. You raised him and gave him the knowledge and morals to choose his mate. (I don't think ANY mother is ever 100% convinced that any woman is good enough for her son.) Just be loving to them both. Asking for a thank you is every bit as ungracious as not offering one in my opinion. Thats like a volunteer asking for a paycheck after the job is done. There is no question she should have acknowledged things, but you didn't raise *her *so you can't know what she did or didn't learn about proper manners. 

I'm sorry your relationship with her is a bit strained. Just try to let the little things go. And really, if it isn't life threatening, most of it is little stuff. If you give her space, and offer love she will come around in time. If you push, she will find cause to step further away, taking your son and grandchildren with her. Keep the lines of communication open, call, write, email...whatever, but keep things light and don't demand anything from her. Think of it like gentling a wild animal. She doesn't trust you enough yet. I'll say some prayers for you that you walk this razor's edge with grace.


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## Fisher's Mom (Jan 22, 2008)

I've been reading all the responses with great interest and I'm so impressed at how wise DC folks are. My instincts are a little bit different in this, but I'm not sure if my instincts are very wise. I didn't get the feeling that LEFSE was looking for a Thank You (although that would be nice) so much as an acknowledgment. My reading was that it was more to find out if the items sent are the right size or what was needed, etc. It's so frustrating to want to help but be on a limited budget, as most of us are. So naturally, we want to know what would be most helpful or what the children liked best, etc so that we don't end up sending things that end up at Goodwill or unused in a closet. 

 I tend to be pretty direct in my family relationships or ones that are very important to me. If we don't communicate what we need or want, then how can we expect the other person to know? And vice versa. I also think that letters and emails are a very good tool in an emotionally charged situation as long as we respect the power of the written word. It's much easier to take your time and make sure you don't say small or petty things and that you remember to say the positive and encouraging things. And the recipient has a chance to let it sink in and react to it emotionally in private.

 I do this with my son who's SO and I don't get along well. I respect that she is his choice and that he is happy with her. In the situations that cause me problems, I email my son and describe what is bothering me and ask if changes can be made to address this. I suggest specific remedies and then ask him if that won't work for them, what sort of compromise can we reach. Lots of times, I get no response for days or even at all. But there is usually some change instituted. I am careful not to make vague or insulting remarks like I wish she wouldn't be so lazy. Instead I say that it's hard for me to enjoy a visit when I spend my time cleaning up her plates and cups and wrappers and soda cans and beer bottles. I ask if either he or she could take care of this during visits. But I also say how much I love seeing them and say that I know this has been just and oversight on her part with no bad intent on her part. Perhaps you could write to your son and tell him that it would be wonderful if he or she could let you know when they receive a package and if the gifts were the right size or colors the kids like or whatever. Tell him you worry that things will get lost in the mail, etc. Also, tell him that you know he and your DIL have a lot on their plates and you know they haven't meant to make you feel bad or leave you hanging. Tell him you love all of them and miss being close to them and that packages you send are filled with all your love for them. Also, tell him that if there is anything you can change or do differently that will make your DIL more comfortable, that you would like to know so that you can make things better.  

 I don't know if this will work for you but my feelings are that not everyone likes each other but people can develop relationships that aren't hurtful and that requires effort and honesty.


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## LEFSElover (Jan 22, 2008)

Fisher's Mom said:


> I've been reading all the responses with great interest


 check your PM's


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## expatgirl (Jan 25, 2008)

Sometimes you need to step back............and I wish so much all the best for you...I had to deal with family dynamics  for many years---any you know what i learned???  They will love you no matter what---if you are showing that you are taking care of their daughter or son and the grandchildren  and they will put up with anything...leave them out of the loop and you're going to have problems........don't leave them out of the loop.......and you won't have too many problems


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## expatgirl (Jan 25, 2008)

I guess I should have added that as long as families know that everything is ok then most of them will be okay , too---just keep in touch I guess is the message....don't be distant.....that's the worst thing you can do........


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