# Planning For Our Final Destination



## Fisher's Mom (Jun 20, 2008)

Since we have had such a huge loss here at DC with Buck's passing, the topic of how our loved ones go on has been on everyone's mind. I was thinking this might be good for us to discuss things we can do to make it easier on those we leave behind when we go. If you've lost someone with or without a will, can you share your experiences handling the paperwork, etc., after they passed? Those that have a will, could you share with us your experiences with finding the right attorney, etc? Also, does anyone leave directions for what they want as far as a funeral or a cremation, etc?


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## kitchenelf (Jun 20, 2008)

My husband and I have Wills/Living Wills and have had for quite a few years.  We have specific directions/instructions in them AND we have spoken in detail with each other about what we want/songs played/even parties to be had!  If you don't drink you might not like my husband's ummmm......"service" 

My husband has very specific instructions that will probably cause his family to hate me, but, I have to go by his wishes.  

Our account will be frozen even with these steps in place.  My attorney can get me $10,000 for immediate expenses though.  

I suggest going through an estate attorney (is that the right name for them?) and getting something in place.  "You" won't be here to deal with it but it causes such turmoil in families when nothing is in place.  Surely "you" don't want your family going through that.


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## VeraBlue (Jun 20, 2008)

Leaving??  Who's leaving???  I'm not going anywhere.  Take a gander at my avatar...it's evidence that I've already been here for about 547 years.  I see no reason to ever have to leave.  I like it here.

However, in the unforseen event of my untimely demise, burn what's left after taking anything that anyone else can use, and scatter the rest in the wind in New Orleans....Lou knows the spot.


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## Loprraine (Jun 20, 2008)

My parents pre-planned (and paid for the basics) for their funerals about 10 years ago.  Caskets, plot, headstones,flowers,hymns, newspaper obituaries etc, were all decided upon.  When my Dad passed away, not having to deal with that end of it made it much easier on the family.  In Quebec, any bank account (including joint ones) are frozen until after probate.  My Mother had no access to any funds, as all accounts were joint.

I have a will, including a living will.  I have stated exactly what I want done when I die.  The living will names an executor to look after my affairs should I become incapacitated.


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## Andy M. (Jun 20, 2008)

I was the executor of my uncle's estate.  He had a lawyer who drew up his will and the estate hired him to take care of the legal matters.  It was a good decision.  He was a great lawyer.

There were a lot of investments to transfer and sell at the right time.  My uncle had stacks of bank books so I had to contact every bank to verify account info (they were almost all empty).  I had to sell his car, house and furnishings.  Dealings with a CPA to file tax returns.

Uncle left vebal instructions for his remains.  I have prepared written instructions for mine.


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## TATTRAT (Jun 20, 2008)

Carrie does not like discussing the topic, at all. I, on the other hand, have been trying to figure it all out for some time. All i want to ensure is that when the inevitable DOES happen, I am not leaving any one high and dry. I plan to ensure that everything will be in place financially, and that family is taken care of. I know I want to be cremated and have some of my ashes shot into outer space and the rest scattered among my favorite places on this earth; Bermuda where I am from, Hawai'i where I loved, and perhaps Amsterdam, my other favorite place I have lived. that way, the fam can make a real journey out of things and have fun doing it in my memory. Of course, this means saving a lot of money now.


Either all that or I have always said, open casket, open bar.


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## jennyema (Jun 20, 2008)

*There seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding here about wills.*

Wills are primarily about who gets your property when you die. They are not really vehicles to avoid taxation. Dying intestate does not, as far as I know, obligate you to pay additional taxes. You pay estate taxes with or without a will - same amount.

If you die without a will, your state has a longstanding scheme in place to distribute assets. Generally a spouse comes first, then the children or parents, but states can be different on that (sometimes spouse and children both take, sometimes just the spouse). Then other blood or legal relatives. 

Your estate is probated with or without a will. A court is always involved and generally so are lawyers. A will makes it faster and easier, but does not eliminate the court.

A will won't automatically transfer a car title either. It just directs ownership to someone. They may still have to hire a lawyer to get the clear title. Same with real estate.

If property is jointly owned, you should probably be able to continue to own it and access it, but again, state laws may be different on this.

Plenty of people don't need wills, though it's always a good idea to have one just in case.


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

Believe me when I second jenny's motion that state laws vary...........if you have anything of value at all.......a car, boat, old house..........it's taxable and worth something to the state........have a will or they get a huge chunk of it.......if you have stepsister, brothers, mothers, fathers then it gets even more confusing as to whom gets what and you don't really know people until someone passes away......truly trust me on this one..........so please be kind to your kinfolk and leave a will.........


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## jennyema (Jun 20, 2008)

expatgirl said:


> Believe me when I second jenny's motion that state laws vary...........if you have anything of value at all.......a car, boat, old house..........it's taxable and worth something to the state........have a will or they get a huge chunk of it......


 
Sorry but this part isn't true.

Estate taxes are the same whether you die with or without a will.

You're right that it can be confusing regarding who gets what if you die without a will, but the general rule is   1.  Spouse  2.  Children or Parents   3.  Brothers and Sisters    

They must be blood or legal relatives.


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## lulu (Jun 20, 2008)

Although a will is not a vehecle to evade tax (illegal), forward planning can help you minimise taxes (legal) at least in Europe.  By optimising tax free gift allowances etc etc. 

But the reason I am emphatic about wills is because of the heart ache unnecessary wraggling and ugliness NOT having a will inevitably results in.  People who love each other squabbling over every last stick of furniture, siblings who never speak to each other again because they disagreed about how to divide property proceeds etc etc.  Grief seems to make people panic  and fear for their security and feel unloved and vulnerable.  By making it set in stone, precise and well thought out you can let people come to gether in grief rather than let them drive themselves apart.


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## Andy M. (Jun 20, 2008)

Estate taxes are based on the monetary value of the estate's assets.  

If your estate has a value of $10 million, the state and federal governments will take a share of that for taxes.  Who gets what's left of the $10 million is determined by the will.


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## Uncle Bob (Jun 20, 2008)

I would strongly advise that no one depart without leaving a Will. It can be as simple or as complex as you deem necessary, but don’t leave home without it! Dieing without a Will can be a can of worms, expensive, a possibly drawn out longer than needed! It is much easier, less complicated, and less expensive for the family if you have a Will.
 
You should appoint/nominate someone as the Executor of your estate…Wife, husband, son, or daughter, nearest living relative or anyone else of your choosing…You should also name a backup/secondary Executor if the first person is unwilling or unable to serve. You should waive all bond, inventory, and accounting to the Executor….They should be directed to pay all probated claims (bills), funeral expenses and any taxes due from the estate (Mostly real estate) after your death…Then you should leave all of your real and personal property to whomever you wish. Normally to your spouse, or to your children share and share alike…You can also insert here that if you have a child who has predeceased you, then their share of your estate will go to his heirs (spouse, children etc)
You should request that your executor honor any memoranda (Codicil) that you leave written in your own handwriting, signed, and dated on or after the date of the will. This will allow you at a future date to add a bequeath (give to) to someone…Example...I want my granddaughter Susie to have my hand quilted pink and blue blanket.. I want my niece Mary to have my Crystal punch bowl...etc. etc. etc. Write it in your own hand writing. Sign, and date it…Keep this and any other memoranda with your will.  
 
Mostly just have a will…go to an attorney in your State/jurisdiction and tell them what you want. They can best advise you, and put everything in the proper legal form


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## jennyema (Jun 20, 2008)

Excellent advice!


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## bethzaring (Jun 20, 2008)

dh and i have wills and living wills. He keeps me updated on the financial stuff, you would not believe the database he created for this, what a computer nerd!

Daddy was cremated 20 years ago, mom will be also.  This is heavy on our minds because she can go any minute.  There will be no service when mom dies, per her demand.  Us kids will have our own service by the Rio Grande in New Mexico.  Daddy always had a special feeling for Taos, where my sister lives, so their ashes will be laid there.


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## Adillo303 (Jun 20, 2008)

Yeah, what Uncle Bob said!

I found out a few years ago that although I did not know it, my upbringing came with a price tag. My dad dies when I was 23 (I'm a bunch beyond that now). My mom has contracted Alzheimer's and cannot make decisions for herself. Prior to this she did not give health care proxies to anyone. This is another point that thould be addressed. Since I am an only child, it is somewhat easier. It still feel svery funny. She went to the hospital the other night for bleeding (She's OK, just something minor) and they called me at 9:30 at night to ask if I wanted a DNR (Do Not Recessitate). It blew me away. There's lots to go with all this, since mom had remarried (He is deceased) and my step brother decided to do an identity theft on her, but that does not cover wills. Just making the point that health care proxies are also important.

Wills didtribute your property. I agree that estate taxes are not changes by wills, but, I have heard, no tverified, that if you do not have a will, then the state you lived in may cut themselves in for a share of any cash left.

Please take all the advixe in this thread and get a will / living will/ and a health care proxy.

Don't let your kids end up where I am. - AC


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## jennyema (Jun 20, 2008)

Adillo303 said:


> Please take all the advixe in this thread and get a will / living will/ and a health care proxy.
> 
> Don't let your kids end up where I am. - AC


 
You're right.  Living Wills, Health Care Proxies and Powers of Attorney are all simple documents to execute and are IMO very important to have.



Adillo303 said:


> Wills didtribute your property. I agree that estate taxes are not changes by wills, but, I have heard, no tverified, that if you do not have a will, then the state you lived in may cut themselves in for a share of any cash left.


 
If you die without a will, the state designates an administrator for the estate.  The administrator is paid from the proceeds of the estate.  This is often the case with a will, though too (the executor often gets paid).  The state can't just take your money.


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## Uncle Bob (Jun 20, 2008)

This first paragraph here should calm any fears about Federal Estate taxes...Well for most of us anyway!


Estate Taxes - Resource Center





			
				Jennyemma said:
			
		

> This is often the case with a will, though too (the executor often gets paid).


 
You may state in your will a specified amount (most people do not) or you can allow the Executor to charge your estate any reasonable fees that he or she may sustain while carring out the duties as executor. Most family members "charge' nothing...unless it is a substantial amount.


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## LadyCook61 (Jun 20, 2008)

Do you think do it yourself wills are any good ? I mean for people who don't have much to bequeath .


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## Uncle Bob (Jun 20, 2008)

My thinking is you need a Will regardless of the size of your estate. It can be very, very simple...Name an executor, and give all of your real and personal property to someone(s) Not sure what you mean by "do it yourself" but an attorney will do a simple Will very reasonably...It's worth the expense for it to be "right"


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

LadyCook61 said:


> Do you think do it yourself wills are any good ? I mean for people who don't have much to bequeath .


nope......you may think that you don't have much but the state is going to say differently....get a lawyer.....

Uncle Bob, my hat is off to you.......thanks for the great adivice........please, y'all get a legal will in place.......it's the kindest most loving gesture that you can pass on to your spouse or significant other (if there is one) and your family members.......  My family today is torn up by my greedy gritch sister......never would have thought in a million years,,,,,,,,,,but there you go...........had my father had a will it would have turned out so differently....


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

and none of us thought that Dad had much......well the sale of his father's land turned out to be 50,000 for his share and  the witch told no one.  She inherited  it all.....only found out after the fact 10 years later.........it wouldn't have happened had there been a will in place,,,,,,,cause my dad would have wanted all of us to share respectively anything he left behind.....just didn't count on Miss Greedy Guch..........


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## Adillo303 (Jun 20, 2008)

Expat - I hear you. My father was one of four brothers. When the last of their parents died the arguing and caniving started and Dan disowned tow of his brothers.

One traveled over 300 miles to see Dad the night before surgery that he never recovered from. Dad threw him out. I was so sorry. Lost Dad - Many yearrs later, I can't find his brothers to know if they are alive.


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## DramaQueen (Jun 20, 2008)

*My husband and I had a will and a trust set up several years ago. He died in 2005 and I inherited everything, tax free and no probate. *
*My kids are now the heirs to my estate and will share equally. (My grandkids will receive a monetary sum). No one will pay inheritance tax, and no one will pay probate costs. The trust is all important. The will tells who gets what. The trust gives it to them tax free.*

*My husband's brother died 6 months after he did and my two children, 2 grandchildren and I inherited a million dollars plus. Not one cent is taxable to us and nothing went to probate. The entire estate was disbursed with 8 months. The attorney of course, got a bundle for executing the trust. SEE A LAWYER ABOUT SETTING UP A TRUST. *
** 
*As for our remains, hubby was cremated and I will be too.  *


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

was there a will???  My dad didn't have one and boy did that raise all kinds of crazy questions...........you know ....dumb me when my dad finally came out of his mental fog  I asked him if he preferred Linda over the rest of us 
because that's the name was on the inurance poilicy (these companies want one name in cade you don't know) he was hurt........hell, no, debbie, that money is for all of you kids...........I told my sister this and we got a very nasty phone call from her husband later on to butt out of their business.  This is when we should have hired a lawyer and didn't.........no only did this woman make off with thousands in assets but she then had the nerve to try and go around our backs and disparage our names in front of others.....the woman is sick.........what can I say.......luckily I was able to circumvent  her tactics with surviving family members,,,,,,,they know the true story........


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## LadyCook61 (Jun 20, 2008)

Just because there is a will , does not mean no problems.  Late BIL had a will , bequeathing to 4 people.  Before they could get the money, hubby had to sell his brother's house and a bar BIL owned but late BIL did not pay his taxes and was years behind on debts !  So.. 3 years of taxes had to be paid before hubby  could even sell anything to get the money for the inheritors.  It was a monumental headache for hubby, as he was the executor of the estate.


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## Corey123 (Jun 20, 2008)

Fisher's Mom said:


> Since we have had such a huge loss here at DC with Buck's passing, the topic of how our loved ones go on has been on everyone's mind. I was thinking this might be good for us to discuss things we can do to make it easier on those we leave behind when we go. If you've lost someone with or without a will, can you share your experiences handling the paperwork, etc., after they passed? Those that have a will, could you share with us your experiences with finding the right attorney, etc? Also, does anyone leave directions for what they want as far as a funeral or a cremation, etc?


 


Before he passed, my dear late brother wanted to be creamated. He told his 2nd wife and two boys this.

And it was done. His wife has his cremated remains in an urn. She gave some of my brothers and myself some of his stuff, such as clothing, watches, jewlery, etc..

The rest, she kept unless his best friend wanted some of the stuff as well.


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

DramaQueen said:


> *My husband and I had a will and a trust set up several years ago. He died in 2005 and I inherited everything, tax free and no probate. *
> *My kids are now the heirs to my estate and will share equally. (My grandkids will receive a monetary sum). No one will pay inheritance tax, and no one will pay probate costs. The trust is all important. The will tells who gets what. The trust gives it to them tax free.*
> 
> *My husband's brother died 6 months after he did and my two children, 2 grandchildren and I inherited a million dollars plus. Not one cent is taxable to us and nothing went to probate. The entire estate was disbursed with 8 months. The attorney of course, got a bundle for executing the trust. SEE A LAWYER ABOUT SETTING UP A TRUST. *
> ...


DramaQueen, you will sounds like mine, Girlfriend........


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## Dove (Jun 20, 2008)

*When we were planning a trip back to N.C. I told Paul we wern't going unless we had everything prepaid so the boys wouldn't have to worry. He said "OK, go do it" I did...then when he was in the nursing home with a broken leg and I fell in his room and had to have the hip replacement I asked John to go see a Elder Law attourney (sp?) he did and when we both were discharged we four went down. When Kevin was asked if he trusted his brother he said " with my life" since Kevin can't inherit ( sp) anything without the State of Ca. taking it...he is on SSI and medical) it all was to go to John. Now it passes down to John's wife. some serious thinking has to be done now. 
When Paul passed all I needed to put things in my name ( or I should say The Helms family trust" was a death certefic.(sp?) 
this pc of my nieces doesn't have a spell checker...she is a school teacher and doesn't need one...I really could use one now.
Marge*


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## expatgirl (Jun 20, 2008)

this is the way the lawyers can set it up.....we're not supposed to pay a cent to Texas.......get a lawyer.....it's worth it


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## jabbur (Jun 20, 2008)

My parents set up a trust and had the funeral home, plots, headstones, etc all prepaid.  They cashed in their life insurance policies and prepaid all the funeral expenses.  By setting up the trust, and having a will, things were fairly simple when Mom died.  We made a few changes to the funeral stuff.  Parents had paid to use the funeral home chapel for services and limos to and from cemetary.  We decided to have private service at graveside in AM followed by memorial service at her church in PM.  Dad got back some money that he had paid for those services.  He also got back some money since opening and closing the grave was not as expensive as predicted when they prepaid.  Shortly after she died, we met with a lawyer and had a will drawn up with power of attorney, and medical directives attached.  We haven't purchased plots yet, (Hubby wants cremation, I don't care since I won't be here!).


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## Fisher's Mom (Jun 20, 2008)

This is really fascinating because all of us will eventually die. That's a fact. But our culture in the US makes it difficult to discuss. I wonder if that's why, as Lulu pointed out, death often brings out the worst in people rather than the best.

I'm pleased to see than there are people here who wish to be cremated and no service. I feel strongly that I do not want a service or obituary or anything like that. Just cremation and an urn, if anyone wants to keep my remains. If not, they can sprinkle me wherever. But I have been embarrassed to ever discuss that with anyone but my family because people seem to feel it's disrespectful not to have a service of some kind. There were many remarks that my mother and I didn't have a service for my brother but he expressed strongly that he did not want one. We _did_ make donations in his name to 3 charities that he had a soft spot for.

The trust thing is a very good idea if your have a fair amount of assets because it centralizes all the information about property, bank accounts, etc. No one will have to dig through all your stuff to try and find out what you own and what you owe, etc. The will is a very good idea to try and keep relatives from getting upset with each other. I like the idea of making a video will.

I have always told my children that I will help them while I am living but that whatever is left when I die will be spent caring for my disabled daughter. The family home is a very large old house that I am leaving to one of my sons who has agreed that he will care for his sister until either of them should die. I don't want her to have to move from her home and I also want the others to always have a place to come back to. All of the kids are very agreeable of this and they all thought it was the best plan. However, none of my kids are married to there is no one but family right now to consider. The plans may have to change as everyone's lives change. And I still have a minor child. So for me, I think my plans will have to be fluid for the next 15 or so years. (It's probably best that I don't die until they are all grown.)


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## Essiebunny (Jun 20, 2008)

My husband and I decided to be cremated several years ago. This has been discussed with our son who agrees and actually plans to do the same. 
My husband will probably die first, because he has a bad heart. If so, I will keep his ashes in an urn and when I'm gone, my son is to scatter them on one of our favorite places.


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## Loprraine (Jun 20, 2008)

> and a health care proxy.


 
Great advice.  My will includes this, no resuccitation, nothing.  OTOH, my father also had this in his living will, and the hospital had it noted in his file.  Regardless, they wanted to do everything in their power to save him, my sister had to get a copy, and sit there vigilantly and show it to one and all.  Otherwise, he would still be a vegetable on the infamous 4th floor where everyone goes.  Luckily, he passed away in two days, in great dignity.  And that, my friends, is why I included it in my will.


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## Maverick2272 (Jun 20, 2008)

My uncle was cremated and his urn kept by his wife. They have one plot, when she goes he gets buried with her.
DW's plan is to load me into a pine box in the back of a pickup, drive to the crematorium, and have me cremated. Then she will keep the ashes with her, I have no idea what she plans when she dies but I am thinking something similar. She did say she is either leaving in trust or just plain giving the kids all the major assets prior to her death to make things easier.
I have heard of others doing this as well, selling off the house the cars furniture etc and moving in with one of the kids until they die or have to go into a care facility.


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## jpmcgrew (Jun 21, 2008)

bethzaring said:


> dh and i have wills and living wills. He keeps me updated on the financial stuff, you would not believe the database he created for this, what a computer nerd!
> 
> Daddy was cremated 20 years ago, mom will be also. This is heavy on our minds because she can go any minute. There will be no service when mom dies, per her demand. Us kids will have our own service by the Rio Grande in New Mexico. Daddy always had a special feeling for Taos, where my sister lives, so their ashes will be laid there.


 Taos? I spent eleven winters there working in the ski valley. Still live some what close in Raton. I know Taos quite well.


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## jpmcgrew (Jun 21, 2008)

A few years back DH and I got wills off the internet specific to New Mexico. We filled in the blanks as to what happens to our so called estate it includes a living will and that we both want to be cremated. We then had it notorized and signed by three other people as witnesses. I hope it is good.


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## expatgirl (Jun 21, 2008)

Sounds good to me, jpm!  Especially if was signed by 3 witnesses!!

In our regular will we both have directives to physicians in regards to sustainment of life.......believe me your lawyer can get as creative as you want him/her to be....ours didn't leave a rock unturned and he was reasonable........


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## lulu (Jun 21, 2008)

Fisher's Mom said:


> .
> 
> I'm pleased to see than there are people here who wish to be cremated and no service. I feel strongly that I do not want a service or obituary or anything like that. Just cremation and an urn, if anyone wants to keep my remains. If not, they can sprinkle me wherever. But I have been embarrassed to ever discuss that with anyone but my family because people seem to feel it's disrespectful not to have a service of some kind.


 
DH and I both plan cremation.   (as  does my mother, but she wants a big party and to be sprinkled via fireworks  ).  With our ashes DH and I both have said we'd like some made into 'artificial diamonds'.  Its an expensiive and probably not environmentally friendly process  but I want to be shirt studs and cufflinks  so that DH can still take me out to s****y parties (so long as any future parner were not offended by that) and DH would like to be a smaller set of ring and earings, same reaoning.


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## csalt (Jun 21, 2008)

We live in the UK but the principles are the same.
We've already made our wills. They are made in such a way that Social Services cannot force either partner to sell the home to pay for Care if it's needed.
We have insurance which will cover the cost of funerals.
We have both chosen the readings and prayers we would like at our requiem Mass.
Our daughter knows exactly where to find the will if need be.
I just need DH to go through the filing cabinet with me so that I know exactly which applies to what in the way of paperwork. Companies to notify etc.
If DH goes before I do our daughter will always give me some guidance in financial matters.
Hopefully that just about covers it.
There will not be any inheritance tax to pay because our home is under the value on which you have to pay it and we do not have any savings. They went to support the children when they needed it. We are able to pay our bills (just)and are happy with our life even though we are on a low income.
Our daughter is our executor.


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## expatgirl (Jun 21, 2008)

I know that in the state of TX if you have assets over a million dollars and you'd be mighty shocked at what is considered assests the laws change dramatically........and they are NOT in your favor if you don't have a will


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## expatgirl (Jun 21, 2008)

Adillo303 said:


> Expat - I hear you. My father was one of four brothers. When the last of their parents died the arguing and caniving started and Dan disowned tow of his brothers.
> 
> One traveled over 300 miles to see Dad the night before surgery that he never recovered from. Dad threw him out. I was so sorry. Lost Dad - Many yearrs later, I can't find his brothers to know if they are alive.



sorry I missed this Adillo.....can certainly feel for you and none of us either have talked to Linda since......but I hear that her daughter who is so $$$ conscious has bragged to others how much her mother got.......hope she enjoys it .......none of her family will talk to her.........


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## jpmcgrew (Jun 21, 2008)

That happened to my Dad his half brother got to my Grandmother while she was senile to make him executer of her assets. She had a lot my Dad was to get half and he knew who got what buildings etc and he told me my brother and I would split his when he died. Needless to say his brother kept everythingand his kids totally ransacked her house. It really broke my Dads heart to hafto tell us we would get nothing from that deal.
So what dos it entail to make a trust how dos it work? I don't how the state can tax you on all the things youv'e all ready paid taxes on. Jeez


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## Adillo303 (Jun 21, 2008)

expatgirl - I believe in a higher power that watches us all. I believe that in the end things will be set straight. Many of us seem to have these kinds of things happen. "Ill gotten gain does not do anyone any good."

jpmcgrew - Best answer is to see a lawyer, it's all very specific.

AC


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## simplicity (Jun 21, 2008)

*Trusts*



jpmcgrew said:


> So what dos it entail to make a trust how dos it work? I don't how the state can tax you on all the things youv'e all ready paid taxes on. Jeez


 
There are different types of trusts. Designated assets of the deceased are placed in a trust. Cash is usually converted to investments. Assets such as real estate may be held, especially if the property is income producing. The spouse or another designated person is generally the income beneficiary meaning they will benefit from the income the trust produces and pays. This income is taxable to the beneficiary who received the payment.

A trust company or trust department from the bank holds the assets and their trustees call the shots and generally have a great deal of power, depending on the trust instrument.

That's the 2-minute answer.

They are expensive to set up and expensive to maintain. If you're thinking of a trust be absolutely certain you understand the pros and cons.


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## jpmcgrew (Jun 21, 2008)

Adillo303 said:


> expatgirl - I believe in a higher power that watches us all. I believe that in the end things will be set straight. Many of us seem to have these kinds of things happen. "Ill gotten gain does not do anyone any good."
> 
> jpmcgrew - Best answer is to see a lawyer, it's all very specific.
> 
> AC


 Our is set up that anything and everything of DH goes to me and vise/versa. We have most of in both our names and on others I am beneficiary. After that if we both are gone it all gos to his son. I believe the will names each other as executor. Also we both want cremation and do not resuscitate as well. I'm thinking it's pretty iron clad with the notary and three other witnesses. The one thing I have not been able to do is to get him to write down what he wants done with his massive rifle etc collection I'm sure he has friends who would like to have this or that.
On a lighter note DH actually wants his body thrown to the coyotes and other scavengers as he a big time hunter etc. He says he at least owes them that much. Although I don't think I can pull that one off.


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## Constance (Jun 21, 2008)

There are no estate taxes in Illinois if the amount of the estate is under 2 million dollars. Also, if the attorney prepares the will properly, it does not have to be probated. 
States vary greatly in these laws, so you should check with your attorney about what the laws are in your state.


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## Constance (Jun 21, 2008)

I heard a poem once that expresses how I want my remains handled. I can't remember one line, but the rest goes like this:

When I die, bury me deep...
And plant a rose between my feet...
????????????????????????
As the toes goes, the rose grows.


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## expatgirl (Jun 21, 2008)

cute.........constance.......when your'e gone you're gone......just make it easier for your heirs if you can ...........


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## sparrowgrass (Jun 21, 2008)

Patti Tana wrote my funeral plan--I only had to change one word from her original.

*Post Humus *
​
Scatter my ashes in my garden
so I can be near my loves.
Say a few honest words, 
sing a gentle song,
join hands in a circle of flesh.
Please tell some stories
about me making you laugh.
I love to make you laugh.

when I've had time to settle
and green gathers into buds,
remember I love blossoms
bursting in spring.
As the season ripens
remember my persistent passion.

And if you come in my garden
on an August afternoon,
pluck a bright red globe,
let juice run down your chin
and the seeds stick to your cheek.

When I'm dead I want folks to smile
and say, "That *Sparrow*, she sure is
some tomato!"

from _*Ask the Dreamer Where Night Begins: Poems & Postscripts*_ (1986); reprinted in
_*When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple*_ (Papier-Mache Press, 1987) Ed. Sandra Martz
and _*Make Your Way Across This Bridge: New & Selected Writings*_ (2003)


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## Barbara L (Jun 22, 2008)

I just found this site, MyStateWill.com : Intestacy Calculators show what happens without a will, which has a calculator to see what the spouse and kids will get if you die without a will.  I tried a few different states with our information (living spouse, two kids).  I checked about 10.  Most were about the same, showing the spouse getting half of what the estate is worth and the two kids each getting a fourth.  California split it evenly between the spouse and two kids.  Interesting.  Of course, this doesn't get into the taxes, etc.  The site does mention specific laws pertaining to each state.  

Barbara


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## simplicity (Jun 22, 2008)

Barbara L said:


> I just found this site, MyStateWill.com : Intestacy Calculators show what happens without a will, which has a calculator to see what the spouse and kids will get if you die without a will. I tried a few different states with our information (living spouse, two kids). I checked about 10. Most were about the same, showing the spouse getting half of what the estate is worth and the two kids each getting a fourth. California split it evenly between the spouse and two kids. Interesting. Of course, this doesn't get into the taxes, etc. The site does mention specific laws pertaining to each state.
> 
> Barbara


 
That's an interesting site.

California and Texas are both community property states. 

An example, if you die without a will in Texas the spouse will get one half interest in the house, and the children will receive the other half. Sometimes this is fine. If the surviving spouse needs to sell, he/she will only receive half its value, the children the other half. (This is a simple version).

I hope this information encourages others to have a will in place.

Thanks for posting it.


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## pdswife (Jun 22, 2008)

We have wills and trusts all set up and ready to go.  One word of advice..you may want to think about a new will once in awhile as your family grows and you have more to leave them.  

As for what to do with our bodies.. cremate us quickly.   I don't want any kind of service or party or anything.  Just take my ashes to a beautiful beach and let them go.  Paul wants his scattered off one of the huge rocks in Greece.


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## jabbur (Jun 22, 2008)

It's interesting that people who have posted tend to want cremation and no service.  While I have no problem with cremation, I do have a problem with the no service.  I will not dictate to my family what to do.  It must be something meaningful to them since I will technically not be there!  If they want a full blown funeral with viewing etc, fine.  If they want something private, fine.  Whatever they need to do.  Funerals do have a function.  We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones.  This is just one more.  It may seem like a burden to the family to plan and deal with the many details, in some ways, it is helpful to have things you MUST do to keep you going.  So my instructions to my family are "Do whatever you want."


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## SixSix210 (Jun 22, 2008)

I'm going to be cremated and dumped in the ocean.  If my survivors absolutely insist on leaving a memorial, they've been instructed to build a gazebo or bench on the beach for everyone to use and enjoy...if they insist they have been autorized to put up a small brass plate with my name and dates and such on the bench.  No point in clogging up the earth with my remains...


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## Wart (Jun 22, 2008)

Cremation and work my ashes into a garden.


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## babetoo (Jun 22, 2008)

Wart said:


> Cremation and work my ashes into a garden.


 
cremation and urn buried next to my husband. we own plots.babe


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## Barbara L (Jun 22, 2008)

jabbur said:


> It's interesting that people who have posted tend to want cremation and no service. While I have no problem with cremation, I do have a problem with the no service. I will not dictate to my family what to do. It must be something meaningful to them since I will technically not be there! If they want a full blown funeral with viewing etc, fine. If they want something private, fine. Whatever they need to do. Funerals do have a function. We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones. This is just one more. It may seem like a burden to the family to plan and deal with the many details, in some ways, it is helpful to have things you MUST do to keep you going. So my instructions to my family are "Do whatever you want."


I agree completely. I know that when my mom died, the memorial service and funeral were very important to those of us still living. It was a chance to share some of our memories of my mom with friends and family. I couldn't care less if they throw me in a cardboard box when I'm gone! James would like to be cremated, so I will either be cremated or buried, and his remains buried with me (or me buried with his remains, depending on who goes first). I'm also not one to leave an urn of ashes on the mantel to remember him by. The memorial service and funeral are for the living, so that they can feel closure. When my favorite aunt died, in Minnesota, she was cremated and the majority of her ashes were buried there. Most of us were not able to go for that. In the spring everyone flew to California. We had a small (just family) memorial service at the cemetary where my mom, her brother, and their parents were buried. During that ceremony my aunt's three (grown) children sprinkled ashes on her parents', sister's, and brother's graves.

Barbara


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## pot clanger (Jun 22, 2008)

New here on DC, and with the recent sad turn of events, it makes one consider one's mortality, even at forty...  While I believe carrying out a loved one's last requests a sign of respect, it's true, too, that a service is for the living - their way of remembering and mourning their dead.  'm not sure about a service, wanting one or not - I feel almost embarrassed to think of wanting one, like it's a vanity thing.  

The only thing I  know for sure that I want, is to be cremated and shot up in a firecracker.  Not sure if that's even possible - I better check that out!


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## HMGgal (Jun 22, 2008)

Having parents and a grandmother that had protracted, long illnesses before they died, I've tried to do things differently. I was a single mother of three left with their burial/cremation expenses and no real idea if I was doing what they wanted. I did the usual stuff, plus researched and purchased long term health care insurance for my husband (I remarried a long time ago) and myself so that our children won't have to throw their own finances into a disaster to take care of either one of us, nor will we have to "spend down" and become paupers to get the care we may need. It's expensive, but I do sleep better at night. I figure if I have the insurance, I won't need it and I'm okay with that.


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## David Cottrell (Jun 22, 2008)

This is simple - go to a good attorney where you live and him/her draw up a will to the specific instructions of both of you. It's not scarry and not expensive if you look around.


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## MexicoKaren (Jun 23, 2008)

Jabbur said:
			
		

> Funerals do have a function.  We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones.  This is just one more.


I agree, Jabbur. I think a funeral or memorial service is very important for friends and family, as a way to say goodbye. DH and I talked with son Jeff about this on his visit last week and we intend to remain here in Mexico, be cremated and scattered in a place of importance to us. But I want there to be a service of some kind for me, and I want them to play "Bennie and the Jets."


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

while it may seem a bit macabre to plan  for one's one demise it does certainly serve a function........making it easier on your heirs.........my DH's parents had to handle the affairs of several close relatives and the experience emboldened them to make it easier on us which they  certainly did.....they didn't want anyone to go thru the hassles that they had.......we were very fortunate........


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## bethzaring (Jun 23, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> I agree, Jabbur. I think a funeral or memorial service is very important for friends and family, as a way to say goodbye. DH and I talked with son Jeff about this on his visit last week and we intend to remain here in Mexico, be cremated and scattered in a place of importance to us. But I want there to be a service of some kind for me, and I want them to play "Bennie and the Jets."


 
just want to point out something about this feeling of funerals being for the living.  You all are making the assumption that the deceased was a beloved, will be missed, needing the time needed to grieve with other friends and family.

This is not always the case, that the deceased was a beloved person.


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

You're right about that, Beth,......my husband's exboss was so well hated ....there would have been a celebration had he passed away......sorry to say it but I never met a more selfish and self-aborbed person than himself and his wife.........in fact when people find out that he's being posted to their country they turn in their transfer requests or take  early retirement.....his name lives on in infamy.....I dubbed him Peter the Great and it's become his moniker.....sorry it just makes me laugh that he doesn't care in the least.....I would care...knowing that people hated my guts as much as people hate his........


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## jennyema (Jun 23, 2008)

expatgirl said:


> Sounds good to me, jpm! Especially if was signed by 3 witnesses!!
> 
> In our regular will we both have directives to physicians in regards to sustainment of life.......believe me your lawyer can get as creative as you want him/her to be....ours didn't leave a rock unturned and he was reasonable........


 
"In our regular will...."

What most people would consider a "regular will" doesn't become operative until you are dead.  So directives to physicians would be meaningless.  They need to be made in a so-called "living will."


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## MexicoKaren (Jun 23, 2008)

jennyema said:
			
		

> They need to be made in a so-called "living will."



AND a copy of this document should be made a part of your permanent medical record with your primary care physician...


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## jennyema (Jun 23, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> AND a copy of this document should be made a part of your permanent medical record with your primary care physician...


 

As well as any health care proxies you might have.


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## Adillo303 (Jun 23, 2008)

Funny that this topic should still be debated. It seems that There are more than DC'ers with this on their mind.

Inheritance battles -- how to avoid them - CNN.com

AC


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## MexicoKaren (Jun 23, 2008)

jennyema said:
			
		

> As well as any health care proxies you might have.



This is another important issue - in most states, you can execute what is called a "Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care." This document states who can make important medical care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Here is more information:  Health Care Power of Attorney


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## ronjohn55 (Jun 23, 2008)

I may be a bit cavalier about the whole thing. All the major things are done to make sure my wife is taken care of (life insurance, that sort of thing). After that.... I really don't care if they dump me in the woods, off the bridge, *in* a dump, etc. 

Of course... my wife knows all of this.  Um...maybe that wasn't such a good idea....


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## jennyema (Jun 23, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> This is another important issue - in most states, you can execute what is called a "Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care." This document states who can make important medical care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Here is more information: Health Care Power of Attorney


 
Yes.  This is the same as a health care proxy.

It is also important to give someone you trust "financial" power of attorney so that non-medical decisions can be handled as well.  Spouses often do not automatically have power of attorney over each other, so it is important to get it in writing.

These documents are cheap and easy to have drawn up -- but I always suggest having a lawyer do them, because their wording can be state specific.


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## Fisher's Mom (Jun 23, 2008)

bethzaring said:


> just want to point out something about this feeling of funerals being for the living.  You all are making the assumption that the deceased was a beloved, will be missed, needing the time needed to grieve with other friends and family.
> 
> This is not always the case, that the deceased was a beloved person.


This is so funny because it's true! I remember I had a neighbor when I lived in MA who died suddenly at an early age. He was the meanest, rudest guy I'd ever met and no one in the neighborhood could stand to be around him. He was mean to kids and pets in the neighborhood and you could hear him screaming at his wife and kids daily. Well, when he died, I went to get flowers to send. I started out thinking I would spend as little as possible but as I got closer, I started feeling guilty that I was almost glad he wouldn't be in the neighborhood anymore. Then I started thinking about his poor wife and kids who wouldn't have a father or husband anymore, even if he was a jerk. By the time I got there, I felt so guilty that I ended up buying the most expensive funeral arrangement they had. The kicker was, the florist said "He must have been a wonderful man because we have never sold so many of those expensive arrangements for one funeral ever!" Of course, I knew why - everyone felt as guilty as I did for being glad he'd no longer live in the neighborhood!


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## Fisher's Mom (Jun 23, 2008)

jabbur said:


> It's interesting that people who have posted tend to want cremation and no service.  While I have no problem with cremation, I do have a problem with the no service.  I will not dictate to my family what to do.  It must be something meaningful to them since I will technically not be there!  If they want a full blown funeral with viewing etc, fine.  If they want something private, fine.  Whatever they need to do.  Funerals do have a function.  We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones.  This is just one more.  It may seem like a burden to the family to plan and deal with the many details, in some ways, it is helpful to have things you MUST do to keep you going.  So my instructions to my family are "Do whatever you want."


You are right, of course. In many cultures and families, the ceremony is vital to the grieving process and an integral way to honor the dead and say goodbye. Thankfully, my family is comfortable with my desire for no service. I think they will probably all gather together and share a meal to reminisce and mourn me when I pass, but they don't feel that they need a service. I'm glad because if they really felt they needed one, then I would need to plan one and make all the arrangements ahead of time and it would go against the grain. For me, I just don't want any money spent on me after I'm dead. I have a large family and I would prefer that what money I have left go for the living - be it my children or a charity or whatever. But that doesn't mean I think it's bad or wasteful for others to have large funerals. As you said, it is to help those you left behind.


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

that's too funny, Beth.....your mean-hearted neighbor died all the way to the Infierno.......and we do have a living will included ........just didn't explain it well enough......and people post 50's do start to worry about these kind of things cause most of us have been diagnosed with some sorta of coronary heart disease of some kind or another.........high blood pressure, high lipids.....high cholesterol...........etc....etc.....so yeah, you do kind come in contact with your mortality......at least I'd like to think most people wouldn't be glad that I went and might be really sad............hahaha.......noone would mourn for Peter the Great.....trust me on this.....the man was as disliked as they can make them


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

Fisher's Mom said:


> You are right, of course. In many cultures and families, the ceremony is vital to the grieving process and an integral way to honor the dead and say goodbye. Thankfully, my family is comfortable with my desire for no service. I think they will probably all gather together and share a meal to reminisce and mourn me when I pass, but they don't feel that they need a service. I'm glad because if they really felt they needed one, then I would need to plan one and make all the arrangements ahead of time and it would go against the grain. For me, I just don't want any money spent on me after I'm dead. I have a large family and I would prefer that what money I have left go for the living - be it my children or a charity or whatever. But that doesn't mean I think it's bad or wasteful for others to have large funerals. As you said, it is to help those you left behind.


funerals are for the living......if it makes them feel better then go for it......me, I want my ashes to be borne free and mix as the wind blows and be as the grass grows....Borne Free to follow my heart........if my remains can inspire a flower to grow better then I'd be happy........


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## Saphellae (Jun 23, 2008)

When I turned 18, my parents sat me down and told me that in their Wills, they were leaving everything to me.  They discussed everything with me and informed me on all of their decisions and changes since then.  I know how to take care of finances, investments, estate, etc. should they both pass away unexpectedly.  I think it is VERY important to do this with immediate family.  

You just never know.


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## Wart (Jun 23, 2008)

Since this thread is spawned of Bucks passing I really don't wish to appear irreverent.

Disposal of my body should be by the least expensive means possible. I would be thrilled with a funeral pyre. Unfortunately the Funeral Directors PAC has made sure someone somewhere gets their fingers into it and make money off our carcasses. I could probably have my pyre if it were overseen by someone in an official capacity.

So cremate me and use my ashes as potting soil. In my younger years the soil was specific to someone growing class A Pot so my friends could take a toke and say .... never mind. 

Throw my ashes about, keep me in a sack on the top shelf, makes no difference long as I don't get flushed.

I turn 50 in a couple months so I'm at that age where people start taking these issues seriously, personal serious. I'm going to die. When? Last thing I intend to do.
....
Mother in law has moderate dimensia and things have transpired where the 'family' can no longer deny or ignore it. I'll leave my personal stuff out of this, but a year ago the 'family' didn't want Ma to take her meds because Ma was so much happier thinking she was a teenager in Bari, Italy.

I suspect my own Moms cogs are starting to slip. 
....

Yes, Funerals are for the living.

We're all mortal. At least in this life.


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

you're too funny esp. about the flushing......but I'd like to know that my remains are serving some useful purpose.......I'm claustrophobic anyway and knowing that I was in a  3 thousand dollar cellar for eternity wouldn't be in my will.......scatter me and I'm happy.........never could sit still anyway........


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## Fisher's Mom (Jun 23, 2008)

Wart said:


> Since this thread is spawned of Bucks passing I really don't wish to appear irreverent.
> 
> Disposal of my body should be by the least expensive means possible. I would be thrilled with a funeral pyre. Unfortunately the Funeral Directors PAC has made sure someone somewhere gets their fingers into it and make money off our carcasses. I could probably have my pyre if it were overseen by someone in an official capacity.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are irreverent at all, Wart. There are some Buddhists and some Native Americans who take the bodies of their dead out to a remote spot and leave the remains to feed the wildlife. They feel that it is a final act of service by providing food for living creatures. I would like it very much if there was someplace our families could do this, if that is our wish. But I don't see how here in the US. Not too many places that are that remote and it would be a scary thing for a stranger to happen upon!

Yep, I'm 51 and this is the first time I've ever really grasped that death will come sooner and not later.


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## jpmcgrew (Jun 23, 2008)

Fisher's Mom said:


> I don't think you are irreverent at all, Wart. There are some Buddhists and some Native Americans who take the bodies of their dead out to a remote spot and leave the remains to feed the wildlife. They feel that it is a final act of service by providing food for living creatures. I would like it very much if there was someplace our families could do this, if that is our wish. But I don't see how here in the US. Not too many places that are that remote and it would be a scary thing for a stranger to happen upon!
> 
> Yep, I'm 51 and this is the first time I've ever really grasped that death will come sooner and not later.


  Thats what DH wants he wants to be left to the wildlife. There are plenty of remote places here on the ranch but it's not gonna happen. I also don't think it should cost a small fortune to bury a body. After all it's just the shell you lived in while you where here. I saw a thing on tv about a company that makes wooden caskets that will break down so it and you can be reabsorbed into the earth. I dont see the point of preserving a casket and a body. Cremation is clean and simple and I do not want all the stuff done to me by the mortician just to keep you from rotting. I think that is more disrespectful than no ceremony. I should know what they do to you because I dated a young guy years ago who was a mortician.
He cracked me up when he said he did not want to be a mortician and wanted to be something else like a taxidermist. He never did see the irony in that.


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## expatgirl (Jun 23, 2008)

One of the most interesting guys that came and talked to our high school biology classe was a mortician and what I remember most was his description of their final passing exams.....they had to be experienced in moving a 300 pounder of dead weight.......he had every one riveted he was so interesting and amusing


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## SixSix210 (Jul 3, 2008)

jabbur said:


> It's interesting that people who have posted tend to want cremation and no service.  While I have no problem with cremation, I do have a problem with the no service.  I will not dictate to my family what to do.  It must be something meaningful to them since I will technically not be there!  If they want a full blown funeral with viewing etc, fine.  If they want something private, fine.  Whatever they need to do.  Funerals do have a function.  We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones.  This is just one more.  It may seem like a burden to the family to plan and deal with the many details, in some ways, it is helpful to have things you MUST do to keep you going.  So my instructions to my family are "Do whatever you want."




Lol. my "service" will involve lots of beer, lots of laughs, lots of stories, and lots of memories.  Personally, if anyone wants to, they can donate to their favorite charity in my memory.  Why have a service?  They say services are for the living, so I want my 'living friends' to party hearty and remember the good times.  that's it.


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## DramaQueen (Jul 3, 2008)

SixSix210 said:


> Lol. my "service" will involve lots of beer, lots of laughs, lots of stories, and lots of memories. Personally, if anyone wants to, they can donate to their favorite charity in my memory. Why have a service? They say services are for the living, so I want my 'living friends' to party hearty and remember the good times. that's it.


 
*I am with you all the way on this.  I like your thoughts.  The three day viewing of the body is now a thing of the past, thank heaven.  I think it's barbaric and so hard on the family. I don't want to know that people are staring at my dead body for 3 days.  Hey, if you want to see me so bad, see me now when I'm alive.  After I'm gone, well it's too late.*
*As for the service, that's fine, but I love to eat and party so if you want to honor me, have a great big buffet and a drink and by all means, have a good time.  Remember that I loved life.*


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## Dave Hutchins (Jul 4, 2008)

After going through two untimely deaths of two loving wives I have made all of my funeral instructions ""  Immediate burial ""  ""  as cheap as possible I believe big Fancy caskets are a waste of good money best spent elsewhere ""  absolutely no services
absolutely no memorials  absolutely no obits.  I have instructed my doctor absolutely no resuscitation (DNR) absolutely no heroics. Just let me go with as much dignity as I can and as painlessly as posible. I have a living will and my five wishes posted on my records at my hospital. My step son has all of this information and knows how I want my property divided, and he knows my burial wishes.  He has assured me that my wishes will be done.  I am covered by life insurance and the funeral home has my police numbers and will git the ball rolling on that score.  I have done this to keep any of my family from any more fuss than is nessary.  I want to be remembered as I am A pretty good cook a guy who can be real funny. and that I am a caring type of person
after that they can all host a glass in my honor and git on with thier lives.  I hope I don't sound cold, but funerals give me the willys.  So this is how I want to go .


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## Dave Hutchins (Jul 4, 2008)

My post disappeared .  After having to bury two wives. I have made all of my all of my arrangements. Immediate burial, absolutely no funeral, no memorial, no obit, 
I want my family to remember me as a pretty good cook and a funny guy and a very caring type of person.  I have a DNR with my doctor, No heroics, Let me pass with a much dignity as possible, and as painless as possible.  Burial plot is paid for, my choice of funeral home has been taken care of they have all of my wishes.  My step son knows how I want my things distributed and in the next week I will have all of this in legal writing.  I do not want to cause my family any more strain than is nessasary
Hope this does not sound cold but I want out of this world as easy as possible for every body .


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## DramaQueen (Jul 4, 2008)

Dave Hutchins said:


> After going through two untimely deaths of two loving wives I have made all of my funeral instructions "" Immediate burial "" "" as cheap as possible I believe big Fancy caskets are a waste of good money best spent elsewhere "" absolutely no services
> absolutely no memorials absolutely no obits. I have instructed my doctor absolutely no resuscitation (DNR) absolutely no heroics. Just let me go with as much dignity as I can and as painlessly as posible. I have a living will and my five wishes posted on my records at my hospital. My step son has all of this information and knows how I want my property divided, and he knows my burial wishes. He has assured me that my wishes will be done. I am covered by life insurance and the funeral home has my police numbers and will git the ball rolling on that score. I have done this to keep any of my family from any more fuss than is nessary. I want to be remembered as I am A pretty good cook a guy who can be real funny. and that I am a caring type of person
> after that they can all host a glass in my honor and git on with thier lives. I hope I don't sound cold, but funerals give me the willys. So this is how I want to go .


 
*Sorry Dave, but if all you have are verbal instructions with your step son as to how you want your property distributed, you  are letting your family in for more grief , heartache, legal battles and more mess than you imagine possible.  If you don't have a will spelling out in detail who gets what  and a TRUST to see that all of this is carried out without probate costs, you need to see a lawyer and soon.   The results of a verbal agreement can be  overwhelming, and devastating.  *
*I do agree with you that the fancy casket is a rip off and an incredible waste of money for the family.   If you want me to have something fancy, give it to me now while I can enjoy it.    I was astounded at the cost of the cardboard boxes that the funeral home uses for cremation.   They range in price from 300.00 to  1800.00.  The have to be cardboard so that they will burn quickly and completely.   And the sad thing is that the family will never see this box so you don't even know if you are getting what you paid for.  *


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## Bigjim68 (Jul 4, 2008)

One thing I havn't seen addressed is the value trusts have other than passing on.  Medicare will pay for special care only after depleting your own resources.  This happened to my father. He only lived a couple of months in special care, but the bill was over $50 K.  This finally convinced my mother, and now she has no money.  My brother and I administer for her, and if special care is needed,  Medicare will pay for it.  This must be done 3 years prior to need. I don't especially like attorneys, but a good one specializing in this field is a must in these situations.  Since there is no money left of my mothers, there will be no probate.  Taxes have been paid as gifts, and we claim her as a dependent.  It is sad that the government has got all of us in a situation where you must go to these extremes to protect assets.


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## buckytom (Jul 4, 2008)

when i die, sparrowgrass offered me to come come back as one of her chickens.

i just have to remember to get a seat by the door.


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## Wart (Jul 4, 2008)

buckytom said:


> when i die, sparrowgrass offered me to come come back as one of her chickens.



Long as you come back as a Rooster and not a fryer ....


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## Wart (Jul 4, 2008)

Thing is I don't care what happens to my body after I die.

If I have survivors and they want a funeral, fine. Its their dime and I'm beyond caring.

The thought of someone waxing eloquent over my minor virtues and accomplishments sort of turns my stomach a little. The eulogy should go something like 'He was a "stinker", he knew it, and he didn't much care what anyone thinks of that".

Consequently I believe the only way to get a crowd at my funeral, if there is one, would be with free beer. But that would load up bladders and without a grave there would be no place for the line to form.


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## buckytom (Jul 4, 2008)

wart, you would appreciate the sentiments in the movie "a razor's edge", during the first world war.


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## Fisher's Mom (Jul 4, 2008)

DramaQueen said:


> **
> *I do agree with you that the fancy casket is a rip off and an incredible waste of money for the family.   If you want me to have something fancy, give it to me now while I can enjoy it.    I was astounded at the cost of the cardboard boxes that the funeral home uses for cremation.   They range in price from 300.00 to  1800.00.  The have to be cardboard so that they will burn quickly and completely.   And the sad thing is that the family will never see this box so you don't even know if you are getting what you paid for.  *


I think it varies from state to state about the box. I went to the crematorium and witnessed my father's cremation. They had a special half box that was used. I'm not saying everyone should do this, but I somehow felt I needed to stand witness to this.

I wonder if any of you have heard about the casket and urn stores that are all over the net? We even have one with a storefront here. I think it's called Caskets+. Anyway, they advertise saying that they cut out the middleman. I haven't been in yet but I think I will choose and pay for my urn ahead of time so that will be one less choice for my kids and so I get a cheap one. Grief does weird things to people and I'm afraid they might get carried away and buy a gold-plated one. (On the other hand, I may end up in a Chock-Full-O-Nuts can!)


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## Wart (Jul 4, 2008)

buckytom said:


> wart, you would appreciate the sentiments in the movie "a razor's edge", during the first world war.



That hadn't occurred to me.

I've watched the 1984 version of A Razor's Edge, the story and film made an impression. (I would like to see the '46 version).

The film that comes to my mind is All Quiet on the Western Front.


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## Bigjim68 (Jul 4, 2008)

I'm not sure how much difference there is in an $1500 urn from a funeral home and a $5.00 flea market find.  I think that one point is that anything purchased from a funeral home under pressure and grief is going to cost way more than it would if prior planning was done.


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## expatgirl (Jul 4, 2008)

Really and I mean this truly and I'm totally jet-lagged so forgive me if I misspell words or sound out of it but what I'd truly would like to happen is for my hubby and my ashes to be saved and it doesn't have to be in an expensive urn (and actually I prefer the Chock Full of Nuts can as I'm considered funny anyway) and for our ashes to be spread across some water or mountainous area to be mixed in the blowing wind..........I hate to be in enclosed places anyway so blowing our ashes in the wind over wherever sounds great to me............I don't want to be in casket............remember me in your thoughts ...............that's all folks!!!


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## MexicoKaren (Jul 4, 2008)

expatgirl said:
			
		

> I hate to be in enclosed places anyway so blowing our ashes in the wind over wherever sounds great to me..


 
Me, too, EPG - hubby and I have talked to the kids about this. Scatter us on the beach where we love to walk and watch the sunset. Let the wind pick us up and carry us wherever it will. No enclosed spaces or memorials for me.


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## Katie H (Jul 5, 2008)

It has taken me until now to read this thread and I have from the first post to the last.

When it came to taking care of Buck after he died, the children said, "Didn't he always want to be cremated?"  I told them originally he did but, as he got older, he went back to the "traditional" casket/service/burial.  Having a service was very important to him because he knew those of us who loved him would need to say goodbye and have closure.

Fortunately, when I met with the funeral director he said Buck could be cremated _and _have a viewing and service.  There'd just be no visit to burial/cemetery part.  He'd be in a "display" casket and we could honor him as we chose.

We all were happy with this alternative and his funeral was a celebration of his wonderful life.  Son, Aaron, arose spontaneously and spoke lovingly of his father.  Sad as it was, the funeral was perfect.  Two of Buck's favorite pastors officiated and his favorite hymn, _Amazing Grace_, was among the music played.

Most importantly, for me, I was able to see him in his favorite shirt and slacks and not hooked up to machines, with the breathing tube in his mouth.  His thick silver hair was combed and his face looked calm and at peace.  He was my Handsome Prince again.

His ashes are in a beautiful walnut box with his pertinent information carved into the top.  Walnut was his favorite wood to work with and this box is beautiful.  I'm sure he approves.

As for me, I've sent an email to all the children giving them my wishes for when I die.  This, until I can get to an attorney and have it drawn up officially, which I will do ASAP.

I, too, want to be cremated.  Then, Buck and I will be buried together in the cemetery where my daddy is buried.  Hopefully, in a plot near his.  I will have already purchased the plot and our headstone, so there will be little left for the children to do when I die.


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## babetoo (Jul 5, 2008)

Katie E said:


> It has taken me until now to read this thread and I have from the first post to the last.
> 
> When it came to taking care of Buck after he died, the children said, "Didn't he always want to be cremated?" I told them originally he did but, as he got older, he went back to the "traditional" casket/service/burial. Having a service was very important to him because he knew those of us who loved him would need to say goodbye and have closure.
> 
> ...


 
kate i am so glad you have  such a loving memory of the last time you saw Buck. it is a good feeling i am sure for you to have all your wishes known now. it is wonderful that the kids were so helpful. 

my husband is in a plot we own in san diego. i have one as well. he was cremated and buried there as i will be. it is a beautiful place and my kids and grandkids have been there and would be comfortable there. 

i am hoping your days get easier soon. take care of business but please dear friend take care of your self. 

babe


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