# Need a prayer or hug



## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Well, 
last week, I had an awful time. As many of you know, my mom has been diagnosed with dementia, due to heart problems that will cause blockages in the brain. At first it was just the repeated asking of the same question. But it has now progressed to where she alternates between anger and crying. The decision to put her on meds to see if they will improve memory was for me to decide and I was waffeling about it. But, last week she was so aggresive wanting to argue with me, I let it get the best of me and argued back..When, I yelled at her Cade and Ethan both started to cry and the decision was made. I cannot have that ever happen again, so we start the meds today..I'm scared silly as there are side effects, but I have to do something..Dh has been after me and after me to put her in a home..I can't and won't right now..I took care of his mom for 6 years after her stroke,refusing to let his brothers and uncle put her away..Had we done that, she would not have lived for 6 more years.. To top that off the lady did not like me, but, she was Dh's mom..So I did what needed to be done and I'm glad I did. So on top of mom, dh is in the mix now..For now, mom stays and I have to be strong and stand my ground..So, some hugs and a prayer or two from any of you who want to give me one, will help me so much..Thanks for listening..I hate dropping this on you, but I knew you all would listen..
kadesma


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## VickiQ (Mar 16, 2006)

(((Kadesma))))You have all the prayers I can offer for lots of love and strength during this difficult time.I am one of 4 being #3 in the bunch and we just had to put my Mom in a nursing home permanently.My Mom is also only 73 years old but, due to MANY medical issues and her not helping herself at all.It was a tough decision but, in the long run I think we're all sleeping better at night.God Bless you for taking care of your Mom - You are certainly a stronger person than I.Love and energy, Vicki


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## amber (Mar 16, 2006)

You have certainly got my prayers.  It's a very difficult situation for you.  I've been through it with my mom as well.  Dementia is weird.  I really didnt think my mom was demented, just angry and mouthy as you said.  Unfortunately there can be side affects from medication, but you have to weigh what is best for her to keep her comfortable.  Sometimes a hospice is good, but I think its always best for our loved ones to be in the care of family if possible.  Prayers sent to you and yours.


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## -DEADLY SUSHI- (Mar 16, 2006)

Kadesma that is really tragic. Im sorry you had to go thru that with his mom but youre a really good person for doing it. You did the most honerable thing for her. And you are going to do it for YOUR mom too. Youre doing the right thing (I did the same for my mother too). 
Maybe your husband was so hurt before that it is very difficult for him to live through that again. Like he going thru the pain with HIS mom all over again. BUT.... his choice should be YOUR choice. 

Here is a BIG hug.


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## wasabi (Mar 16, 2006)

> Need a prayer or hug



kadesma, you have both.


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## GB (Mar 16, 2006)

You have my hugs and prayers for sure! Stay stong. You are doing the best you can and it is admirable!


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## buckytom (Mar 16, 2006)

kadesma, i'm sorry to hear of your situation, and prayers and hugs coming your way.
be strong, you are absolutely doing the right thing keeping her home.
my wife and i did something similar for her mom, and now we only have the memories of her with us, backed up by the knowledge that we did everything we could to make her last years happy and comfortable. it was a sacrifice, _believe me_, but it pales in comparison to the lifetime of sacrifice that she afforded dw. given the chance, we'd go thru he** to have one more day again with her. but that being impossible now, the only comfort we have is in knowing we did the right thing by her.


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## texasgirl (Mar 16, 2006)

You know you just got the biggest virtual hug possible from me!! I pray for the strength that you need to get through this. You will, I know you will. Just know that I'm here when you need to vent. You know I love ya!!

{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}


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## PA Baker (Mar 16, 2006)

Kadesma, yet again I'm thinking what a wonderful woman you are!  Sofie & I are sending you tons of hugs & prayers!


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## licia (Mar 16, 2006)

I'm sending some of both. My mil lived with us the last year of her life. DH's brothers wanted to put her in a home, but we just didn't think it was the right thing.  I wasn't her favorite dil, but before she died, she told me how much she appreciated us having her in our home and with no fussing. That amused me since I knew it was a problem if she visited the others. She really considered me her own daughter before she died.  She talked to me about when she passed away and all the details she wanted. I think she felt some betrayal from her other sons.  She had one older and one younger than DH. You will never regret doing all you can to help her. I'm not saying you will always have to have her with you, because dementia really gets to the point that only medically trained staff can handle them sometimes. Perhaps all of it hit your DH at a rough time and he will come around.


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## pdswife (Mar 16, 2006)

hugs prayers smiles and good thoughts are being sent.
You're a good daughter!!


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## Michelemarie (Mar 16, 2006)

Lots of hugs and prayers go to you, your mom, and your family.  You are a good person, you're mom is lucky to have you.


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Well, I went and picked up the meds and will give first dose in the morning..When I got home, I sat down to let you all know that we are set to start and I find, warm loving notes from all of you. It's so nice to have a place to come and caring friends to talk to.Vicki, Amber, Sushi,Wasabi, GB,Bucky, Texas, Pa and Sofie, licia,Pds, and Michellemarie, you all have made this easier with your kind words..Bless you all..You will always have a special place in my heart
kadesma


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## Alix (Mar 16, 2006)

You are someone I admire for so many things kadesma, and this just adds to the mix. Prayers for peace and strength for you and the tightest virtual hug I can send.


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Thank you Alix, that hug felt good. Everyone has made me feel protected and cared for..How lucky I am to have such a wonderful place to come to for help.

kadesma


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## Constance (Mar 16, 2006)

You are putting jewels in your crown, dear friend. You have my hugs and prayers for sure. Goodness knows you sure were here for me when I was having a bad time. 
Kim's pop got really sick all of a sudden...liver cancer. We weren't able to make him comfortable here, and he didn't really want to stay here. He'd been paying for nursing home insurance, and expected to use it. We found him an excellent place right here in town, hospice took care of him, and he had lots of company. While he and his wife had lived in Florida for 20 years after he retired, they were from this area, and he had a ton of friends and relatives who had not forgotten him. 

One day when I went to visit, toward the last, they told me they couldn't get him to eat. They did have him up and stapped into one of those wheel chairs with a desk in front, so I went in and fed him by hand, while I talked about my garden and all the things coming up in the greenhouse. At one point, he layed his head on my shoulder, and told me what a good girl I was. I never really thought he liked me that much, but that was just his way.


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Thank you Connie,
It makes me so happy we are friends. If I helped you I'm pleased I was able. It's so nice when we can hold out our hand to our friends.  I won't forget ..
Thanks again.

kadesma


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## callie (Mar 16, 2006)

kadesma, listen to your heart...you will know the right things to do.  I know it's hard - you ARE a good daughter!!  Big hugs from me to you.


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

*Thank you Callie, I knew I could count on you..And your hug makes me feel mush better.*

*Hugs back friend.*

*kadesma *


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## Dove (Mar 16, 2006)

When I need support last Fall you were right there.Thank you for that. Now I am here for you anytime you want to talk.

The rehab. home DH and I were in when we broke our hips wasn't the greatest. That is why I worked so hard to get out so we could come home. They would give each girl 6 or 8 patients to look after. Do the math..if they took 10 min. with each one and you were the last to use the call button.

Just Pray that when the time does come, you can find the right one for her.I saw my neighbor deal with her DH's Atomizers for 6 years. He was so out of it and a bed patient. I sure wouldn't want to see you do that. Her 8 years was so hard on her. She was 75 when he passed. 

Please take very good care of yourself. I wish I were near to help you like I did her when she had other things outside the home that needed to be taken care of,
Love to you
Marge


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## ella/TO (Mar 16, 2006)

Kadesma.....I wish you love, I wish you strength....it can't be easy for you...take care and know that whatever you do, you're doing with love in your heart for all concerned.


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## Dakota Rose (Mar 16, 2006)

Kadesma, you are a wonderful daughter. Holding you and your mother close in my heart, my prayers, and my hugs. 

Dakota Rose


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Thank you Marge..You are indeed a special friend. You know, just having you to talk with is a gift. What little I did, has come back double. I would love to have you close by, not so mcuh to help, but just to look up and get a smile..Thanks Marge..for being here for me.
hugs,
kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

ella/TO said:
			
		

> Kadesma.....I wish you love, I wish you strength....it can't be easy for you...take care and know that whatever you do, you're doing with love in your heart for all concerned.


Thank you ella, your kind words, are making this much easier. If ever you need someone to talk with..I'm here.

kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

Dakota Rose said:
			
		

> Kadesma, you are a wonderful daughter. Holding you and your mother close in my heart, my prayers, and my hugs.
> 
> Dakota Rose


Thank you Dakota Rose, you're as beautiful as your name..Your prayers and hugs mean more than you know...Bless you.

kadesma


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## corazon (Mar 16, 2006)

Here are hugs from my pair and I...


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## middie (Mar 16, 2006)

kadesma I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. You have
unlimited hugs and prayers from me.


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## subfuscpersona (Mar 16, 2006)

*you are in my thoughts*

dearest Kadesma

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I do know what you are going though since about 6 mos ago my Mom died (at age 96) after a lengthy (15 year) bout with dementia. During this time I was the only living child and therefore had to shoulder responsibilities and make many decisions on her behalf.

On a practical level, I can only say that dementia is an irreversible deterioriation of the brain. Meds cannot reverse it; supplementary oxygen supply to the brain can help (just a simple breathing tube connected to an oxygen tank).

On an emotional level - I know how devastating this can be. I don't want to go into it here, but if you ever want to PM me, please do so. I will always be willing to help and share.

yours - SF


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## KAYLINDA (Mar 16, 2006)

Dearest Kadesma...you are doing something that I'm afraid I could never do.  I am so uncomfortable around "sick" people.  I just never feel like I know the right thing to say or do.  I bless your strength...and love for your family.  Just remember to plan time for yourself too...(you will need it to keep your best foot forward the rest of the time) and also to keep the "smile" that the rest of the family will need.  Your strength will be their comfort...so take care of yourself first.  We all love you...hugs and prayers.


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## SierraCook (Mar 16, 2006)

cj, nothing can be harder than to make those type of life decisions.  Keep looking on the positive side.  Don't forget to make some time for yourself.  You are one terrific lady for caring for your family like you do.  I will be thinking of you and your family.

Lots of hugs and love from your friend, 

JLT


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

corazon90 said:
			
		

> Here are hugs from my pair and I...


Oh Cora, thank you what great hugs..Your boys look so much like my Cade I it just tickles me..The three of you are dears..hugs back to you.

kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

middie said:
			
		

> kadesma I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. You have
> unlimited hugs and prayers from me.


Thank you Middie, you are so sweet and giving..Your hugs are so very welcom to me..If ever I can return them..I'm here.

kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

subfuscpersona said:
			
		

> dearest Kadesma
> 
> You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
> 
> ...


SF,
I have a lot to learn and deal with and I welcome any advice you can give me. Will PM soon..Need to get myself pulled together and be ready to face what comes.  Thank you so much for sharing with me, it makes me feel so much less alone..I do know that meds won't reverse it, doctor is hoping to put things on hold...Mom's dementia is caused from old heart problems and high blood pressure..Thanks again..you're much appreciated.
hugs,
kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 16, 2006)

SierraCook said:
			
		

> cj, nothing can be harder than to make those type of life decisions. Keep looking on the positive side. Don't forget to make some time for yourself. You are one terrific lady for caring for your family like you do. I will be thinking of you and your family.
> 
> Lots of hugs and love from your friend,
> 
> JLT


JLT,
thanks for being here for me..The response today from all of you has, brought me so much comfort. How nice it is to have all of you rally round me with all this kindness..I will take care of me, how can I not with all of you pulling for me..I feel so lucky to have such a dear friend as you..Thank you for your support, your love and those warm hugs.
Love and hugs back to you,
cj


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## mish (Mar 17, 2006)

Kadesma, so sorry to read/hear about the stress and worry everyone in your family is going thru. Big hugs to you and yours. Hopefully the meds will help, with little or no side effects. Give it some time and follow up with the doc. 

If I may make some suggestions? "Homes" are not what they used to be, or so I've heard. There are several solutions, but it takes some homework/calling around.

First I would suggest looking into a Caregiver, check the yellow pages. They come to the home and perform many tasks, not cheap, but it's one way to go and still be independent.

In home supportive services (IHSS), through the county, will come to the home, but one must be low income - check her insurance policy - Medicare etc. One does not have to be bedridden to apply for services. 

Independent Living Centers - Look on line or in the yellow pages. 

Retirement communities - My cuz, who is far from being retired, told me she has picked out a gated community in Florida - access to the beach, activities...I did some poking around on realtor.com, & I'll tell you, some of these places look like you can have a little house on a golf course, access to everything, and a spectacular view. 

Check around on the internet, etc., and have them send you brochures, and set up an appt and take mom to take a look. I'm thinking about going myself, right now - that's how appealing some of them look -- and a lot less money than what I'm paying for a condo in L.A. with none of the amenities offered.

Call Dept of the Aging/Aged and local Senior Centers - get a case worker.

I wish the best for you and yours.  Keep us posted.


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## kimbaby (Mar 17, 2006)

I am thinking of you and praying for the situtation to improve, sorry things are so down for you right now...


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## kadesma (Mar 17, 2006)

Thanks Mish,
I'll look into these things. It was so sweet of you to find all these ideas for me. I was'nt sure where to begin..You're a good friend.

kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 17, 2006)

Thanks you for the prayers Kim, they mean a lot to me. I'm so glad you've become a part of this wonderful family.


kadesma


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## mudbug (Mar 17, 2006)

yikes, Kadesma - taking care of the grandkids and now Mom.

Sorry I came to this post so late.  This has to be heartbreaking for you.  Please vent away as much as you need to.  We are all pulling for you.  Wish I had some wonderful advice but right now I don't.

hugs,
mudbug


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## Dina (Mar 17, 2006)

Kadesma,
You have all the prayers coming your way and a big hug to you.  Know that we all have difficult times in all sorts of ways but that God does not give us more than we can take.


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## jpmcgrew (Mar 17, 2006)

Kadesma,
 Gosh! What can I say that eveyone else hasn't, I really feel for you.But just keep in mind you have a HUGE group of people here sending you a whole bunch of love and alot of positive energy that you need right now.That says alot to me.You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there kid!JP


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## kadesma (Mar 17, 2006)

Thanks JP,
I appreciate your thinking of me. I feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful group of friends here on DC..I knew from the start that everyone was polite and nice, and then as time passed I realized I'd found a family that are now very dear to me.  I'd do anything that I was able for anyone here,,Yes, I can't imagine not being a member of this family.All the prayers, love, hugs have made me feelthat I can do this and I won't be alone.

hugs,
kadesma


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## kadesma (Mar 17, 2006)

Thank you Dina, everyone has been so loving to me..I just can't express how much it means..I'd gladly listen, pray for, hug and help anyone here who needed it.. You included..I've come to enjoy all your posts..Thanks again.

kadesma


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