# I need advice



## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

I had a real horrible situation come up this weekend that is making me sick to me stomach. I got into a huge fight with my mother. Here is the background.

My mother babysits for us about 2 days a week. We are very fortunate and thankful to have her for that. My wife leaves notes each day for everything from feeding times, to what Rachel should eat, to rules we have put in place, and just about anything else you could think of. Well one of the notes last week said something along the lines of not giving Rachel any foods that we have not specifically said we OK. My wife stressed about how to word it to make sure it did not sound out of line or pushy or anything.

Mom babysat for us this Saturday. When we got home she told us about how she gave Rach some sort of cereal thing. She told this to my wife when I was in the other room. This was something that was not on our approved food list. My wife told me about this the next day.

So I call mom to tell her something and I mention the note and ask if she read it. She said yes. I ask her about the part about not feeding her stuff we have not OK'ed. She said the note didnt say anything about that. I had the note right in front of me so I read it and sure enough she was right, so I said sorry and hung up. I called my wife and found out she meant a note from a few days ago, not the one I was looking at. I called mom back and told her so. Then she floored me. Her response to that was "So sue me". I could not believe she just said that. It was like she was telling me that I don't care what is in the notes, I am going to do as I please. Well we got into a screaming match. She was mad at me for yelling at her. i was mad at her for disregarding what we told her and thinking she can do whatever she wants with our daughter with no regard for our wishes. I felt I had ever right in the world to yell at her.

A side note is that this is not the first time she has pulled something like that. there was something else that mom was doing that greatly bothered my wife, but she was too nervous to tell my mom, so I spoke to her. I talked to her multiple times, but she kept doing what I asked to not to do. It was only when my wife finally said something to her that she stopped doing it.

I told me brother this story and he thinks I should apologize for hurting her even if I do not feel I should. He think I am completely right in this case, but both mom and I are extremely stubborn people and he thinks I should be the bigger person and say sorry. I am having a VERY hard time with this as I feel like if I say sorry then she will think I did not have a right to get upset and that is the last thing I want to convey. I also feel she should be the one to come to me and ask for forgiveness. In all fairness, she did apologize on the phone, but it was not a sincere apology. It was more of a yelling apology, something like "FINE I am SORRY, What else do you want me to say???"

So what do you guys think? I need advice!


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## licia (Sep 26, 2005)

I'm a grandmother and wouldn't go against the wishes of my children. I admit you are in quite a spot.  If it was something that wasn't good for my child (didn't see the age of your child), I would definitely have a problem, but if it is something minimal, I would give her some latitude. After all, she raised you and your brother and hopefully, you both turned out well. Sounds to me like you either need to have a heart to heart talk with your mother, or get another babysitter.


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Thanks licia. What she gave the baby (she is 8 months old) was nothing bad. It was a cheerio type of food and Rachel does eat Cheerios. The issue we had is we gave her specific rules to not do it and she decided to do it anyway. She told me she knew there was nothing wrong with what she gave her. I asked her what would have happened if she had an allergic reaction. Our doctor wanted us to introduce new foods one at a time and to give the new food 5 days before trying something new in case there was an allergy. My mom did not know what we had tried or hadn't tried so if Rachel did have an allergy we would not know what it was from necessarily.

She brought up the fact that she raised two children who turned out fine, but I pointed out that this is not her child. She had her turn to raise her kids. this is my child and my wife and I should be the ones to make the decisions.


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## jennyema (Sep 26, 2005)

Ugh.  I am sorry you are in a pickle like this.

How badly do you need her as a babysitter?  Because, even though the cheerios-type thing may have been ok, that's not the point.  She should not be disregarding your rules about what the baby eats.  Under any circumstances.  What might seem innocuous to your mom may be dangerous or have future repurcussions.

It might be a case where your mother forgot about the note, did something wrong, was called on it and has now become defensive about it.  Maybe you could apologize for any confusion the various notes caused and then stress the importance of following the pediatrician's orders.  Maybe say "I know you didn't feed her the forbidden cereal on purpose ..."  Exonerate her for her mistake.  If she argues that it wasn't a mistake.  That she knows that it was ok for your daughter, etc., then this suggests that she would do it again.  In that case, I would not let her sit anymore, sorry to say.


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## htc (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi GB, bear in mind when you are reading this that I have no biological children of my own to raise, but my 8 year old step son lives with us full time.

First, my vote is for the apologize to your Mom, just because she's your Mom. But at the same time, you should turn around and explain more of the whys behind your choice. Maybe if you can somehow make her feel like a part of the process, she will be more willing to abide by your wishes. Just a thought. 

Do you know if the type of cherrios she gave baby was just because she didn't have the approved kind in her house? Maybe she ran out?? Just wanted to give baby something to snack on. 

Anyways, I think you will run into these small types of parent/grandparent confrontations for a while. Calvin (my stepson) used to go to Granny's house all the time, but she never abided by our rules (i.e. decent bed time, not too much sweets--she let him have 3 krispy kreme donuts in 1 sitting, too much TV, letting him talk back to her, etc.) It got to the point that DH just decided to put his foot down and talked to her. It got better, but by just a little. Now, Calvin doesn't get to go overnight as often, mostly for the day to hang out. We've realized that though it won't be to our exact liking, we've learned what is w/in our comfort level.


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

wow what a bag of worms!!!  I have been fighting this "Im the grandmother and I know whats good" crap for a long time!  I have no tolerance for it.  When I first read the post my first thoguth was the "allergies", and as your mother so kindly put it she raised 2 quite fine!  Well what if Rachel had a deathly reaction to an ingredient in what ever she gave ehr.  Does your mom realize how deadly some foods can be?  ASK her  if she would want that hanging on her shoulders for the rest of her life!  Its not to be mean but your right there are reasons for RULES!  If she cant abide by them perhaps you could hide the "uncertain" foods till you know for sure.  I know it sounds bad but if you get another sitter whats to say this sitter will regard you with respect?  I wouldnt apologize to your mother because this is something you firmly believe in!  If it was something little than ok, but come on!  Dont give in, if you do the next time it will be the same thing.  Your daughter comes first and she should realize that!


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Thanks for your thoughts HTC. She was at a friends house with her grandchildren as well. The other kids were eating these cheerios so mom gave then to Rachel as well. We send her with plenty of food so there would not have been a reason for her to need to eat the cheerio, only that mom wanted to give it to her, because it is very cute to watch


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## Earlzach (Sep 26, 2005)

GB, Let me first say I feel your are some what controlled by your wife. I am not trying to be harsh please hear me out. You wife has you to the point you will contest your parents because you wont win with your wife. It is easier for you to deal with your folks on a level you might never have before. They wont fight you back and it hurts you some to hurt them. If your mom is helping out with your child in a monor your wife dont see fit then ask your wife what she really likes in you, because I dont feel your mom is doing anything different now then when you were being raised. I hear some controlling in your statements, you aim to satisfy your wifes ideas of "being a perfect parent" and only your wifes rules will do with anyone she is around. It isnt about weather what your mom gave was bad but yet that your wife didnt pre-approve. This is a form of being controlling. It has you defencive with your folks and That is not good. You need to take a stand to your wife just a little and remind her where you came from. I see it some in my bride to some extent but we can talk about it. I live here too and it is not always going to be her way. Please best of luck, And I really hope I am wrong if you know what I meen. (pardon all spelling)


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Thanks Tanis. I brought up the allergy thing to her and that was one of the few times (if not the only time) that mom actually conceded that I had a point.

I agree with what you are saying about other babysitters and I would trust my mom over a stranger ANY day. I also know that she would never do anything to put my babys life in danger and that she would lay down her own life to protect her. It comes down to respect though and my wife and I feel she is not respecting our right as parents to raise our child how we see fit. On the babysitter issue, my MIL is our other babysitter (they each have two days each week). She would never do anything that we said she could not do. She is always checking with us and double checking to make sure we are comfortable with what she is doing. She has offered (not related to this situation) to retire from her job and babysit every day we need her if we ever wanted that, so we do have an option if it were to come to that. I would not want to do that to my mom as she treasures every second with Rachel and she would be very hurt if it came to that, but is she leaves us no other option then at least we have other possibilities. I do not anticipate it coming to that, but like you said Tanis, my daughter comes first!


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## htc (Sep 26, 2005)

GB, I guess I'm not surprised then that she gave the snacks to baby when she wasn't supposed to. When you do talk to her about this again, maybe you can tell her when she's out and about in a social setting, she can pin the blame on you. 

She can just shrug and say, oh well, the parents don't want baby eating this or that, so I'm just following the rules. This way you can accept any and all critisism that she may get for being strict on the diet. Putting it back on yourself might make it easier for her to follow the rules.

Dang, I HATE these grandparent confrontations. GB, get ready for the day that you hear this "I'm Grandma, I can spoil or do whatever I want, I've earned that right." or something like that!

BTW, I didn't know you could only give a baby 5 foods at a time! Man, that makes for a REALLY boring menu!!


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Earlzach, with all due respect, you could not be further from the truth. It is not my wifes rules. It is OUR rules as a parent. The reason I was the one to talk to my mom and not my wife is that my wife is very polite and soft spoken and would get bulldozed by my mother in a conversation like this.

the fact that my mom is not doing anything that she didn't do when she was raising me is irrelevant. This is not her child to raise. Things have also changed quite a lot since that time. When I was a child there was no such things as child car seats. I sat on someones lap when i was an infant and I bet they were not wearing a seatbelt. Now you could probably be arrested for that.

My wife wrote the rules because she is the main caretaker. I am VERY involved in my babys upbringing, but her mother still does more than I do. She wrote the note, but the rules she wrote were rules than she and I came up with together.


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

htc said:
			
		

> BTW, I didn't know you could only give a baby 5 foods at a time! Man, that makes for a REALLY boring menu!!


Oh I think you misunderstood me on this part. When introducing a new food we need to try that food for 5 days without introducing another new food. Right now she eats a lot of things, lots of fruits and veggies and cereal, eggs,  thing like that. Right now she is on day two of trying eggs so if we wanted to try a new fruit that she has not had before than we would need to wait a few days to do that. She could still eat all the other things that she has already had previously though


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

HTC it's easier than it sounds!  Five different foods a week, but you have also those other foods you have already tried.  And baby's are so very easily adaptable....man I can speak good.  Being as you have no children of your own that you've had to go threw the food with I can see how hard it would be to understand.  I watched like a hawk when my kids were little.  I still watch them cuz allergies can form at _ANY_ time in their lives.  

GB I would talk to your mom on a civial no yelling basis....face to face and really drill to her what the out come can be.  Sure she raised you guys to her fullest but back then Im sure they didnt have the additives in their foods  like we do today.  As per caution while I have this thought, watch Rachel with tomatoes.  Sounds funny but they are a highly allergic food.  Same as with anything with nuts, of course you would know that one.  But anyone Ive talked to doesnt think of tomatoes.  Im sure your mom means the best and loves Rachel dearly, what grandparent wouldn't but they often more than not dont see the harm.  Its a hard position as you know but you know where I stand on it.......


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

man I hate when people are posting at the same time...lol


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## htc (Sep 26, 2005)

Whew! Ok that sounds a lot more reasonable.   For a minute I was trying to come up with different menu items for baby with the five ingredient limit!


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## Earlzach (Sep 26, 2005)

Like I said I wasnt trying to be harsh, But I certainly dont feel your mom would endanger your baby. I am not sure your giving them enough credit as adults who have done this raising a child thing before. I am sorry for feeling your wife had something to do with this anger. It must have been the " I put it in the note" and you raised cane before you noticed it wanst in the note. That to me just came off as an over reaction that seemed unnecessary. A whole grain cheerio isnt the end of the world. And as far as allergies to make everyone feel like they cant enjoy your baby maybe you should go get her allergy tested first. Then everyone wont be on eggshells when they have her in their care. Or like most become aware of your childs condition naturally, If you baby had an allergic reaction to a single cheerio sounds like a better way to find out than to give a bowl of it later. If it has nothing to do with conrolling then it sounds like over protection. and it dont sound fair to do to your own family. A cheerio? Please isnt worth the argument. Your baby will pick up worse things on her own and put them in her mouth. That is the real concerns you should have and that can happin in a second right in front of you or your wife. I didnt meen to stir a pot over this. I will not comment anymore. And sorry to imply the controll part.


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Earlzach, no offense taken. you are just voicing your opinion which is exactly what I asked people to do here.

I think you are possibly misunderstanding my point with this issue though. it has absolutely nothing to do with the cheerio. I have no doubt that the baby would be no harmed by eating it (aside from a possible allergy). The issue we have is that we specifically told her that she is NOT to give her any foods we have not already approved and she decided that she did not have to follow our rules. She disrespected out wishes as the parent. She decided that she was the parent and what we said did not matter. She was going to do what she wanted. That is the issue we have.


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## Raine (Sep 26, 2005)

The "sue me" response could have been to mean, OK I made a mistake so sue me.

And don't take everything the doctor says to heart.

When my were small they didn't want you to introduce cereal until they were about 3 months old.  I started mine on cereal at about 3 weeks. Not a lot, more milk than cereal.  But it help them start sleeping throught the night. As a little cereal was a little more filling than just straight milk.   The doctor would have probably had a stroke if he knew I started the cereal. However the doctor wasn't the one staying up all night with a baby.

Two differences between doctors and grandparents.  Most of the doctors advise is from schooling, medical journals, grandparents is from experience.

As parents we need to try to take the two and balance them with a little intuition and common sense.

If Rachel has allegeries and has a lot of problems, then yes, you have to introduce foods and see how she reacts. If she doesn't chances are she'll be ok eating most anything she likes.

Just remember, the doctor is not 100% correct, your parents, your wife's parents were not perfect, and they won't be perfect as grandparents either, and neither will you.

It happens a lot with first time parents, to be a little over-protective. Had a neighbor once, who was that way. She called the doctor for every little sniffle, scratch, etc until finally the doctor told her she was carrying it a bit too far, and didn't need to call the office at every little thing.

If there were known foods (allegeries) on the list and she gave them to her, that's one issue.  How does a food get on your approved list?  You have to introduce her to it and see if there is a reaction.  So what would you do, if she has a reaction to something you fed her?  I doubt that your mother would not seek medical treatment if she had a reaction to a food.   

Sometimes, kids can eat things for months or years before they have a reaction.  A good friend of mine nephew was like that. He had been eating peanuts for about 3 years before he one day had a reaction to one nut.  A nut/food he had been eating all along until that point.


Same things applies to discpline.  Years ago the professionals were saying not to spank your children, damaged their psyhic, so parents didn't. Now that we have a generation or 2 of unruley, all about me and what I want kids running around, the same professionals are now saying it is ok to apply a little spanking.


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

wow!!!  All thoughts are welcomed on any post.  Even here.  Did you not say at one time your wife was pregnant?  Is this your first?  I wonder how you'll feel.  Its easy to be objective when you dont have one already.  My kids are always putting weird stuff in their mouths, its a guarntee you CAN NOT keep everything from them.  As for your remark about "Oh it's just a cheerio" pretty much let it be, it wasnt just a cheerio, it was a bar if you didnt see that!  The point is not what she had, but why she was given it when it was made clear that she wasnt to have anything out of the ordinary.  As for been there done that additude, well they have but like I said in the previous post, the foods then didnt have the additives they do now.  I dont know why I got my nose in this but you will soon find out how it is when you have your baby...its a whole new ball game then....


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Raine I agree that we should not take everything the doctor says to heart, and we don't. We use our own judgment to decide what to listen to and what not to listen to. My point is that My mother should not have that liberty. If we had not Specifically told her to not give her any unapproved foods then this would be a non issue. It is the fact the she read the note, saw we did not want her to do something, and then decided to go behind our backs and do it anyway.

yes first time parents can be over protective. Everyone has told us that we are not in that category at all though. Our baby is constantly being passed around from person to person. My mother brings the baby with her everywhere she goes (work, mall, temple, shopping, nail appointments, you name it) and we have never had any issue with any of this. Maybe internally we have not always been thrilled with all of this, but we allowed it because we did not want to be over protective and we knew the baby was in good hands.

When someone goes behind your back and does something you specifically said not to though, that is crossing a line IMO.


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

tancowgirl2000 said:
			
		

> The point is not what she had, but why she was given it when it was made clear that she wasnt to have anything out of the ordinary.


Exactly right on the nose Tanis!!!


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

ok GB....waht the heck is IMO???  You got me beside you.  I KNOW where your coming from.  K this has nohting to do with the food issue btu this is where it started for me.  I once called my ex to see if he wanted HIS son for the weekend....his MOTHER told me.....you dont need a break, your a mother, they dont get breaks......boy was I ready to plummit her, if she werent so far away at that time.  I was lucky though, cuz I wasnt with that family any more it didnt matter.  I put my foot down, told her to get lost, of course it broke my heart at that time, but they still try to push my buttons.  Now they know that if things aren't met...my expectations when Seth is there, than Seth wont be going back.  Evil of me to say and do it, but hes my son and thats the way it is......


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

WOW Tanis, that would have pushed my buttons as well!

IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

ahhh thank you for clearing that up!


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## jennyema (Sep 26, 2005)

I am not sure why wanting your mother-in-law to follow rules developed by your pediatrician is "controlling."


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## Andy M. (Sep 26, 2005)

GB:

I have lived through what you are experiencing.  I have to agree with you that Rachel is *YOUR* (you and your wife together) baby and you get to make the rules.  And whether or not you are over-protective, that's your business.

All this is separate from your relationship with your mother.  IMHO both of you were wrong.

Firts of all, Mom was wrong to go against your wishes.  I'm sure she felt it was harmless and also that you were going overbeard with the restrictions because you are young and inexperienced while she has 'seen it all'.  (I'm not making excuses, just trying to understand what may be going on between the ears).

Second, you should not have gotten into a yelling match with mom.  First, she's your mom and second, because all rational thinking goes out the door ande defenses go up when yelling kicks in.

I recommend your apologizing for the shouting and anger, not for the feeding restrictions.  Also, take some time to explain the whole process you're going through with the introduction of new foods and how that works.  If she understands, she's more likely to support your efforts.

Then, you have to be prepared to make a really difficult decision.  What will you do if she refuses to support your requirements?  What will the effects of that action be on her and your relationship with her?  It won't be pretty if it comes to that.

Good luck.  I don't envy you with your dilemma.


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

ahhh Jenny......thank you!


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## Raine (Sep 26, 2005)

I just hope your son will not hold that against when he is older.  Blame you for not being close/closer to his grandparents.

I know a girl in a similar sitution, and boy has it ever screwed up the kid and the problems it has caused the family.

It's a hard place to be in, you make the best decisions you can at the time and hope all comes out good in the end.  You just need to be aware of the negative outcome as well as the positive, it can go either way.


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 26, 2005)

Oh it wont!  This was 6 years ago that this happened and all is good.  Like I said I put my foot down and thats that.  They know I wont take their crap one way or another.  Right now though I am waiting for something to blow up, for his FATHER has a gf....he hasnt had one in 7 years,(the last one he had was rather pyscho) but shes an internet girl...I mean they met on the internet.....she lives with him now, and has no urge to meet me.  Time will come.  I wont intentally put my kids in harms way....Seth knows my ground as well......when the tough gets going I kick ***......I know but you have to being a single parent


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## corazon (Sep 26, 2005)

I'm just curious, does your daughter have a lot of allergy problems or is this a precautionary step?

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, let's see if I can sort them out...
I think that the difference between your mother and you, is that she has had two kids and is a bit more relaxed in her role. I doubt she thought it would be a big deal to feed your daughter that cheerio because odds are it would be fine, especially if she's had something similar to it. I guess that isn't really the issue though, I think if she wants to spend time with your daughter she needs to respect your rules. And tell her that! 

I understand how hard it is not to be overprotective. I think you and your wife need to be strict about the things that really matter but maybe you also need to relax a little bit too (which will come with time). Just wait until you come home and your daughter has a big bruise on her forehead, it will be hard not to blame who was watching her but accidents happen, no matter how much you hover and how much you protect. 

I think if you don't lay down the rules with your mom now, this will continue. Maybe it won't be this same situation, but she will be letting your daughter stay up without her nap or feeding her cake before dinner but at the same time ask yourself if it would really be so bad if she went a day without her nap?


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## GB (Sep 26, 2005)

Thanks Andy. Your thoughts have been helpful!


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## Raine (Sep 26, 2005)

Hard to say as he is not grown yet.

Remember back when y'all were kids and going to your grandparents( I have no such memories, as all my grandparents were dead before my parents ever met).  What made some of those times fun or memoriable?  Was it getting to do things Mom & Dad wouldn't let you do? i.e have ice cream before supper or stay up late?   

Was it just the fun had with them doing things Mom & Dad don't have time for?


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## wasabi (Sep 26, 2005)

GB, it is so hard to give you advice because I'm a mom, daughter and grandmother, so I can see all sides of your dilemma. It sounds like the bonds between granddaughter and grandma are very strong ones. I pray that you somehow smooth the relationship with you Mom for all involved. No one will "win" if the family is apart. I think the communication between you and Mom in this problem is what's to blame. Notes? What's wrong with sitting down, face to face, to talk about baby and what you expect of your mom before the babysitting began? I would be insulted with notes, but if my daughter and I had a nice, warm talk about my grandson, I would remember and abide with her wishes. I pray that this rift with mom will be over before the holidays. Kiss the Little Princess for me......wasabi


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## Zereh (Sep 26, 2005)

hmmm Had a very similar situation with my Dad. He spoiled the crap outta my son (bless his heart)... but when I'd tell my son no, he couldn't do something and my dad would turn around and say, "Oh, it's ok" and let him, it would make my blood simmer. It was never anything huge or serious, but it was the point about me making rules and my son needing to learn to listen.

I finally had to tell my Dad that he was making my job really hard. And he needed to support my decisions, not countermine them. It was a hard talk to have, honestly, because I knew he meant well. Anyway, he respected my wishes and stood behind me from then on. Love my Dad! And my son and he to this day have the most spectacular relationship. =)

Anyway... GB, she's your baby. You get to decide what is appropriate and what isn't. And when someone steps outside of those boundaries you have every right to make it clear that what they did doesn't work. Mom or not.

Ideally the subject could be approached without the heat, but sometimes that just doesn't work out.

I suggest you call her and apologize for the way the argument got out of hand, which is a good thing to do.  You can be sincere about that but still remain firm in your stance about about what you think is appropriate for your daughter. And you can tell her that too.

Usually after the tempers have cooled both sides are a bit more ready to listen to the other. =) Hopefully this is the case between you two.


Z


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## mudbug (Sep 26, 2005)

Don't have much to add, geebs, to the good advice you've received here already.  All I can think of to add is that babysitters come and go, but grandma is forever.  Figure out a way to make peace.


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## mrsmac (Sep 26, 2005)

Does your baby have allergies to certain foods or a reason to suspect she does? (just clarifying this in my mind) Do you pay your mother to babysit? (not justifying her actions but remember she may be doing this out of the goodness of her heart)
This is a tricky situation, when I had my first child I was really guided by my mum so I guess I never got into this situation and mum minded Jessica 5 days a week from when she was 7 months old. My mum shaped the kind of parent I was and so we had no problems. I guess it is hard for your mum to be told she doesn't know whats best when all she sees is 2 fully grown children that she has raised successfully she probably feels a bit hurt and insulted. I know you want to parent in a different way but you need to acknowledge her experience too.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and your mum and talk it through and try to reach an understanding that, whilst you agree she is experienced, this is your turn to be the parents and whilst she might not agree with your methods they are your choice.


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## luvs (Sep 26, 2005)

i'm stumped for advice at the moment, geebs, but it'll be okay.


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## kitchenelf (Sep 26, 2005)

mrsmac - GB's baby is only 8 months old.  So introducing new foods are kind of important and should be done with your (the parent's) knowledge of when they are introduced and what is introduced.  There's a lot of potential allergic reactions to be had.

I can imagine how this has affected everyone GB.  Has your mother ever given Rachel cheerio's before?  Were they ever on an approved list either via written form or because they were in her things for her to eat that day?  If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" then I'd say your mother had no reason to think she shouldn't give them to her - even though they weren't in her things for her to eat that day.  If the answer is "no" then she should not have introduced them to her.  

You AND your mother owe a "talk" to each other - you can't apologize for wanting certain rules abided by when it comes to your child.  I know you don't want those kinds of issues taking up your emotions.  It's not good for you, your wife, your baby, or your mother.  You can only apologize for the "tone" of the whole thing but you can't apologize for the way you want to raise your child.  It is a bit stricter with the first one I understand - but you can't be wrong by following a "rule" of sorts that could determine a potential allergic reaction - mild or otherwise.


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## licia (Sep 26, 2005)

I beg to differ with what Earlzach said. It is always better to have the conversation and settle disagreements between the blood relatives before anyone else gets involved. Also, I don't see that as a form of control of the wife over the husband. I would think most women (not all) probably pay more attention to small things about their children than do men (some men). I hope the issue is resolved to the satisfaction and good health of everyone - especially the little one.

Sorry about my post. Had I read further, I'd have seen that this information had already been discussed. I'll have to pay you some karma.


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## Alix (Sep 26, 2005)

GB, I have already talked to you a bit about this so you know my story. I have to say I think your best option at this point is to apologize to your Mom for yelling but to reiterate that YOU are Rachel's parent and what you say goes. PERIOD. This time it was about a cheerio, next time it might be something more important. Child rearing has gone through some major changes over the years (car seats being a big one I can think of). 

This issue is less about Rachel's safety than about your Mom respecting you and your DW. If you can calmly present that to her as many times as it may take you will come out on the other side much closer. Stick with your wife on this one, and be respectful to your Mom, but keep having the discussion. Good luck GB. Hugs to you all.


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## kadesma (Sep 26, 2005)

GB,

I agree with Allen and Alix, as a grandma, I'm very lucky...MY girls turn the boys over to me for care almost ever day...Cade learned to roll over, crawl, cut his teeth, walk, here in my home as he and his parents lived here while their home was being built. I had a lot of say with how he was taken care of, but only because mommy and daddy gave it to me...We always talked over feeding bedtime, bath time..I hated being given a bad time when my kids were little by someone who would do exactaly what they were asked not to do with my babies..So I made up my mind that what my kids said and wanted for their kids would be what I did, like it or not. I do think you need to sit mom down tell her you love her and love how she loves Rachel, but, she has to please follow the rules..You might next time set out formula, snacks, food and leave instructions that can be followed.. You need your mom so does Rachel need her gamma..Explain that you want her to be close with Rachel, but, Rachel is unable to care for herself and that she comes first. I hope your mom, can accept this, I'm sure she will try, her feelings are just feeling stepped on and not appreciated now...But, I also know, she loves you dearly and would do anything in the world for you...Give her one more chance..I understand about introducing new foods, we are doing that with Carson now and I'm still careful about Ethan's foods as well.
Hugs to you all, sit down look into your little girls face, ask gramma to do the same and ask her what she wants for Rachel? Bet, she trys to work with you...
kadesma


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## Brooksy (Sep 26, 2005)

As grandparents we spoil our granddaughter rotten. DW nurses her all day (well almost) & plays with her whenever she can, takes her for long walks, shows her all new things etc etc. 

But we would never ever go against our daughter's wishes!!! If we considered that her (or their) conditions or requests were wrong then we would ask for clarification or reasons for the request. These would then be discussed AS A FAMILY.

Remembering both our parents spoiling our kids in a similar manner, never going against our requests. My mum would say,"Oh poofals to you." She's gone now and I miss her dearly. 

I'm also very headstrong like my mum was, we had arguments but never heated. I really miss her but thankfully we still have DW's parents, and we still ask their advice about Grandparenting.

Give your mum a hug, a big hug and see what happens.

It's every grandparents right to spoil their grandkids, but it must be done in the right spirit.

God bless you and your entire family GB


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## Earlzach (Sep 26, 2005)

licia said:
			
		

> I don't see that as a form of control of the wife over the husband.
> Sorry about my post.


 
I got the impression when he said his wife spoke of a note to his mom so he called his mom only to find out it wasn't in the note. I felt his fast response was to satisfy his wife first. 



Then goes on to speak of something else that his wife told him later about that he had to tell his mom to stop. It just looked for a moment to me that he was getting a rashin when they would get away from his mom. It looked like he always had to go back and stir a pot about something. I said also "I hope I am wrong" You see I didn’t wish this thought in any way. But he didn’t nip anything in the bud until tipped of by his wife. That was my reason of thought. 

In all due respect his mom is just a temporary babysitter that gets paid good money to help these two out a couple of days a week. She prolly never has had to put out one red cent for anything for the baby or them as a couple for that matter. So I stand corrected. As a grandma she should stop over stepping her bounds and start acting more like a baby sitter. I know you all are reading thinking what is he talking about? But yes I hope my mom and dad are more than this to my child. I am sure they wont do everything the way I feel is fit. And yes I will be over protective however I was raised right and I have enough common since to know that they will in no means intentionally or ignorantly harm my child. I hope that if something happens to my wife and I my child is cared for with out the fear of, what would I be thinking right now about the person or family that looked after him/her. It just isn’t worth it with family. Should everyone be on the edge every time the baby is around as to what can or cant I do? I already said I didn’t mean to say it the way I said it. I was just reading into his "my wife told me so I called" I am glad I was wrong about the control. It was just how I read it at first.



GB, I certainly hope things get worked out. If your relationship with your mom is just business then by all means you must do and say what is necessary to make sure your child is safe from her. Man that just sounds ugly as heck but I can’t help but feel that is the level we are putting mom. Sorry for the rant. And I hope my views wont make me a bad parent for giving my parents some adult freedom to enjoy smiles from their grand child.



Some will say its just a cheerio now but what is next? 

I ask you what is next? A fruit loop? Apple Jack? c'mon it just don’t seem worth the feelings. Maybe a little hint to mom, about where you’re heading with her diet? Leaving notes is silly. Especially if they are always a list of "don’t do’s", that is belittling to your mother. If the notes are supported with positive things you want your mom and child to do as pleasure or give your mom the chance to introduce then this could be a better way to stop her of one thing and give a freedom to another. Not so much that she endangered your baby with cereal. I little fineness can go a long way with this and not look so much like mom is incompetent. I feel for your mom she wants your trust but to always correct will get old. And the sue me makes me think she feels your over reacting. Don’t wear out your welcome to extent your mom don’t let you leave the baby with her. It will be the child that doesn’t under stand.



I am sure you and your wife have all of the best intentions to be good parents. And it sounds like you will be. But don’t under mind those who have already waded in the water that you are just now getting your feet wet in. I am not the best help you will find, that I promise. I may have been fast to judge your Wife and your relationship and I do deeply apologize for that.

Like I said before best of luck and I still hope everything works out.

Sorry so Long!!


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## SizzlininIN (Sep 26, 2005)

I don't want you to think by my not responding I don't care about your situation but having lost my mother last year I'd gladly let her give my child his first drink of pop again even though I thought it was a little too soon.


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## lindatooo (Sep 26, 2005)

I'm a new Grandma and I've been recently visited by Son and DIL and my Darling.  Lil has had some allergy issues so I tried most carefully not to offer any of the forbidden foods.  

They live far away so I am not able to sit for her and that tears at my heart but I understand that their rules are the only rules and I would do nothing to abrogate them.

They told me she loves mashed potatoes.

They also told me she has at least a skin allergy to  fresh cows milk - her little arms and face blister. So she drinks soy milk.

But at the dinner table she was sitting next to me and reached for my mashed potatoes and of course I gave her a spoonful.  Never thinking that I make my mashed potaoes with butter and milk - I also, however, re-warm them after the ricing and mixing in a warming drawer for at least 20 - 30 minutes so the milk was likely cooked.

My DIL pounced on her little hand and wiped the offending stuff off before she could get it to her mouth.

I felt terrible.  Looking back it was probably ok but it wasn't my place to decide that.  

They were probably overprotective.  I was probably not thoughtful enough.  Nobody wins, though, when mistakes are made in to family feuds.

Yes, I successfully raised my son (and sometimes I wonder how!) to be a good man and a devoted husband and father.  Now it's his turn to make his judgments - their judgments.  Mom - that is GrandMom has to sever the control and allow the young parents to do their own thing.  

Still nobody chastised me.  Lil survived unscathed and I was not attacked.  Love is the most important thing - love your mother and allow her to love your child.  If she is unsafe with respect to foods then she shouldn't baby sit.   But if she makes some innocent errors, forgive her and let her love your baby.

Hugs to your little one  - 

2


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## PA Baker (Sep 27, 2005)

GB, I feel for you.  Waht a terrible situation for you and your DW to be in!  You've gotten a lot of good advice from some people here so I don't have too much to add except to say that there are ways of apologizing without really coming out and saying you're sorry.  Something to the effect of "Please know how much your babysitting Rachel means to us.  You're a huge help to our family and that's why this has been hard on us, but I'm glad we've been able to see each other's sides and I know you won't let it happen again."  Something like that will perhaps (hopefully) appease both sides?

And just to make you smile, my MIL told me a story this weekend that she said I should remember in case our daughter is born "an eater" like my DH apparently was.  She said when he was two weeks old he seemed like he was still hungry after having his forumla so she started putting him to bed with a bottle of rice cereal.  She just cut the nipple off so he could get it out!  Lo and behold in his baby book there was a picture of him in his crib, on his stomach with a blanket pulled up to his chin with a big bottle of cereal next to him!   Yes, she's right, I'll remember that story!


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## Raven (Sep 27, 2005)

I don't mean to sound like I'm making light of your situation because in fact I'm being quite serious, but there is no worse position for a man to be in than caught between his mother and his wife, especially when child rearing is involved.

I wish I could advise you on this one but it seems every circumstance is different.  I've had problems where I was able to mediate the two and get them to meet half way and then I've had problems where I had to just "be there" for both of them individually and wait it out.

I'll say a prayer for you.

~ Raven ~


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## GB (Sep 27, 2005)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have found it very helpful.

I want to clarify a few points because I think so of the things I have said might have been taken the wrong way or misunderstood possibly.

The fight my mom and I are having has absolutely nothing to do with the cheerio or the fact that she could possibly have a reaction to a new food. The only thing the fight has to do with is that we specifically asked her to not do something and she did it anyway. It could have just as easily been that we didn't want mom to take her to the beach or something like that, but it has nothing to do with the cheerio it self. She made a decision to ignore our specific request which we found completely disrespectful and hurtful.

We know and have acknowledged that the grandparents will spoil out little girl. As a matter of fact we have told both sets of grandparents that that is their JOB. They should not have to worry about anything other than loving her and showing that love however they want. We joke about it all the time with both sets of grandparents that Rachel is the most spoiled baby to ever walk the face of the earth. There is a right way to spoil and a wrong way to spoil though. The wrong way is to do something that the parents have specifically said not to do. Not only is it disrespectful, but it teaches a bad lesson to Rachel. This will teach her that it is OK to not listen to your parents. "Mom and Dad told grandma we couldn't do this, but grandma said we will do it anyway". That undermines our ability as parents. The correct way to spoil her would be to do something fun with her that we have not said they could not do. When I was young my grandparents would spoil me to death, but they never once did something my parents asked them not to do.

Another point I need to clear up is the fact that we write notes. These notes are not notes of rules for the most part. They are notes of where things are, when things will probably happen, and an occasional rule. The notes might say something like "Rachel woke up at 5am today so she will probably be ready for a bottle at around 7. Try giving her some apples and pears, but she might fight you so if that does not work then you can try some cereal. There are bottles in the cooler and cheerios in a zip lock bag in the front pocket of the diaper bag. Her teeth have been bothering her a lot this week so if you need, there is baby Tylenol in the diaper bag". Those are the types of notes that we leave and both grandmas have been happy to have them. Occasionally we will include a new rule that we want them to be aware of. We do say these things face to face, but we often only see each other for about 2 minutes while giving them the baby as we all (parents and grandparents) have very busy work and life schedules and do not have more time to sit down and discuss things all the time. Another reason to have these things in a note is because my mother has a habit of saying things like "I don't remember you saying that". Well that gets old fast and if it is in writing then she can't say that.


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## tancowgirl2000 (Sep 27, 2005)

Im glad you clarified, but I thought it was clear.  I hope things work out and "Mom" realizes the impotance of the little things!


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## GB (Sep 27, 2005)

Thanks Tanis. Things WILL work out. I have a very strong relationship with my mother and we have been through a lot worse than this. I am still very upset at her and I am sure she is still very upset at me. It would take a heck of a lot more to do any permanent damage to our relationship though (thankfully).


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## corazon (Sep 27, 2005)

Like I said, she probably didn't think it would be that big of a deal, especially if your daughter has had something similar to what she was giving her.  And at least, she didn't lie to you about it and tell you she didn't give your daughter anything out of the ordinary.  Be glad that she's honest with you rather than keeping things from you.  I think PA is right, tell your mom how appreciative you are for her without saying you're sorry.


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## mrsmac (Sep 27, 2005)

SizzlininIN said:
			
		

> I don't want you to think by my not responding I don't care about your situation but having lost my mother last year I'd gladly let her give my child his first drink of pop again even though I thought it was a little too soon.



I'm with you Sizz, I loved my mum to pieces and she died when my youngest was 2 so I would let her feed Erin bugs if I could have her back.


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## lindatooo (Sep 28, 2005)

You've received lots of good advice.  I would add one more thought.  


Let it go.

Just let it go.

I think your point has been made - hug your mom, love your wife and enjoy your daughter but let this one go.

Be happy that you have a loving family and just let this one thing go.

Hugs,

2


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## pdswife (Sep 28, 2005)

No advice.. just a hug sent across the states.


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## mish (Sep 29, 2005)

GB, sorry you are feeling badly. I have no advice, but merely my personal observation about relationships/relatives/family - We (?) seem to treat and react differently to others, than we would our relatives/family etc. It is easier to say to a non-relative "These are my wishes, please respect them." When it comes to family, I think the "rule book" is thrown out the window. 

There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on TV last night, where the couple was trying to be "nicer" to one another. In the end, the "normal" responses/reactions "won out." Not comparing your situation to a TV sitcom, but guess it's just part of life. My personal solution when it comes to family/relatives - move as far away as possible - leave no forwarding address. Hope you know this is partly tongue-in-cheek, and an attempt to help you feel better.


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## marmalady (Sep 29, 2005)

Awww, GeeBee - What a mess! My thoughts (for what they're worth) - 

I think our parents' generation were less concerned with diet and infants; after all, there were far fewer allergies, and far less potentially contaminated food for the wee ones to get into.  So the remark from your mom, 'so sue me' may have come from a place where she just thought you were 'making much ado about nothing'. I'm not making excuses for her; it was a flip comment that showed no respect for you or your wife.

Re should you apologize - (since I'm rather a hothead, I've done this once or twice myself!  ) - If you feel a need to apologize to keep the family dynamics in one piece, then just apologize for blowing up at her - NOT what it was you were upset about in the first place. 

Then - if by now you're still keeping mom as a babysitter, I'd suggest instead of leaving notes all the time, that the 3 of you sit down; perhaps have a little notebook ready that's been tabbed with headings like feeding/dressing/sleeping/ etc., with your notes in it. Go over everything in the notebook, to make sure everyone's on the 'same page' about what to do and not to do.

Heck, I can remember having huge fights with MIL about breastfeeding my kids; 'how did I know how much they were getting? - Isn't he eating too often? - and the worst - just let him cry, it's good for him!'  Thank goodness for me, she was just visiting from a place way, way far away!!!

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) to you and your wife and beautiful little girl!


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## GB (Sep 29, 2005)

LOL Mish, we joke about Everybody Loves Raymond all the time because when we talk about moving my mother says that they will move too so they are always close to us.

OK here is an update...

I have been fuming about this whole situation, trying to decide what to do. I decided to take the advice of the people here who said to apologize for yelling, but I did not feel like I should have to make the first move. While I have been fuming about this I realized one of the reasons I am still so mad at her. She had yet to apologize to my wife. Regardless of what she and I went through she should have at the very least said she was sorry to my wife.

I am a mess. I have not slept well since this happened. Anytime I do not have something like work occupying my mind (and even sometimes when I do) I am going over this again and again in my head. My wife is the same way. I have no doubt that my mom and dad are experiencing much the same thing. To make matters worse (or maybe better), my grandparents are coming up from Florida next week and will be spending the Jewish holidays with us. There is no way we can hang out with everyone in the same room as mom and pretend everything is normal. My wife came to me in tears this morning and said we need to do something. I called my dad and asked if they could both come over Fri night. He and I talked for about an hour. He has tried to discuss this a little with mom, but they really haven't talked much about it. He said he would call her and ask if they would come over to talk on Friday. I get a call back from him a few minutes later, without an answer. She was too busy at work to discuss it, but was upset that I didn't call her. She was also upset that I picked Fri. She said I was inconvieniecing her by picking that day. That got me so angry. I reached out to try to end this. She could have called me, but was mad at me because I didn't call her. I never demanded we meet on Friday, I merely offered it as a day we could meet. She is just looking for things to fight about now. But I am going to let all of that go, because it is not worth bringing up with her. She finally agreed to meet Fri so we will see what happens. I am sure, whatever happens, this will be all over with tomorrow. Wish me luck.


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## Earlzach (Sep 29, 2005)

Good Luck, I for one dont like families to fued.
Also For got to mention, Wife found out yesterday we are having a boy!!


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## corazon (Sep 29, 2005)

Good luck GB!  I hope it all turns out well for your family!

And congrats to Earlzach!


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## kitchenelf (Sep 29, 2005)

Good luck GB - ok, I erased everything I wrote because I'm sure you're tired of the whole thing - it's not fun to have a family issue like this weigh on our lives.  Good luck tomorrow {{{{{{GB and MrsGB}}}}}}.


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## SizzlininIN (Sep 29, 2005)

Good Luck!


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## PA Baker (Sep 29, 2005)

Stay strong, GB!  Be proud of yourself that you made the first move.  {{{Big hugs to all three of you!!!}}}


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## kadesma (Sep 29, 2005)

What a special person you are GB, You did the right thing...I hope all goes well for you your wife and that beautiful child...Prayers will be sent.

kadesma


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## GB (Oct 6, 2005)

OK here is the update. My parents came over last Friday evening. It went pretty much as I had expected it would. Mom claimed I said things I did not say and claimed she did not say things she said. I knew this would happen as she has done this my whole life. It was a very civil conversation though and we got a lot of things out in the open. She understands what she did was wrong and promised to never do anything like that again. My wife was able to bring up some things that she has been holding in for a while and felt a million times better after the conversation.

Since that discussion we have actually spend a lot of time with her due to my grandparents being here for a visit and also the Jewish holidays. Mom has made an obvious effort to respect our wishes and all the things we discussed. We all feel much better about what went down and things are back to normal.

For the people who suggested that we not write things in a note, we brought that up and mom said she absolutely needs these things in a note. It helps her to remember what needs to be done she does not take it as an insult at all, quite the contrary.

I am glad this is now behind us!


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## PA Baker (Oct 6, 2005)

I'm sure it's a relief to all of you to have moved on from here.  I'm happy for you, GB.  I know from experience how these things can fester if they're not addressed so I'm thrilled that you guys are close enough that you were able to talk it out.  Just in time for the holidays, too!  Probably having to spend more time with them than normal because of your grandparents visiting has been a good thing, too.


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## Andy M. (Oct 6, 2005)

That's great, GB. You must feel so much relief now that that's behind you. I'm glad you were able to deal with it (I knew you would) and enjoy the holiday with your parents and grandparents.


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## GB (Oct 6, 2005)

Thanks guys


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## kitchenelf (Oct 6, 2005)

That's good GB - I wouldn't mind a list either about certain things - especially the daily routine stuff until I got used to it and maybe a list of foods she has tried and been ok with - that one can just be added to as necessary.  Gosh, it sounds like I'm coming to babysit a couple days a week too!


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## In the Kitchen (Oct 6, 2005)

*Sorry*

I am so sorry to hear of this trouble.  I place myself in this scenario and only hope I can be a big enough person to do as well as you have.  When it is your own mother it is not easy.  You have to realize this is for your child and not to intimidate your mom about her capability but allow you to be open about what you want.  Both of you love the baby and that is what matters.  This is the first incident so I know she will honor your request.  She wouldn't want to give the baby up.  Give your mom credit for taking time to listen.  Anything can be worked out if you open your heart and listen.  Good luck in the days ahead.


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## licia (Oct 6, 2005)

Most families have issues of some kind at one time or another (if they are honest). If we keep in mind what the right thing is for each other, we probably won't go far astray. This includes kids, grandkids, spouses, you name it. I don't mean the way I want it, I mean the RIGHT thing.


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## mudbug (Oct 6, 2005)

Can we move on now to unsuitable boyfriends?


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## kitchenelf (Oct 6, 2005)

mudbug said:
			
		

> Can we move on now to unsuitable boyfriends?



OK mud - You have officially hijacked this thread and it has officially been turned over to unsuitable boyfriends


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