# Just making myself miserable.



## Chico Buller (Sep 7, 2008)

I have an old friend who used to live in our area, and moved about 75 miles away.

In one breath I say "old friend," and in the next breath I regret he didn't move even farther away.

Now, you might find this odd coming *from me* who can actually quote the proper etiquette for knife fighting, but he has no social skills. He cannot read the moods of people in the room, he stays up very late, and once in your home he will not go away. When I hear he's coming, I resent it, and even make excuses if possible.

I haven't seen him in a while, he has knives here that need service, and I do owe him a visit. However, on any other Sunday I would have slept late, gone to the gym and then ridden my Harley. Now I'm sitting here watching the driveway. Even the mutts sense I'm not very happy.

My wife's health is on and off, and for the moment she feels fine. She's out running errands with my SIL. But like most folks, she over does it when on a high, and I know she'll play herself out later today. Then she'll try to be a good host when I know she feels ill and my friend won't go home.

He's bringing his POSILQ, and she doesn't have any more sense than he does. You could hit her with a 2x4 and I doubt you'd get her attention, although I feel like trying it at times.

Instead of happily being on the highway, I'm pacing in my house grumbling and googling "voodoo dolls." Now granted, I live a tad different that most folks here, *but what do you do when you're roped into an impossible situation?*


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## pacanis (Sep 7, 2008)

Chico Buller said:


> ,,,, *but what do you do when you're roped into an impossible situation?*


 
Same as you.
Voodoo dolls.


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## love2"Q" (Sep 7, 2008)

be honest .. talk for a bit .. then thank him for coming by ...
its time for your wife and yourself to retire for the evening ..
and tell him next time you will come see him ..  
then goodbye .. close the door ..


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## kitchenelf (Sep 7, 2008)

Sometimes we have to do these things.  It's *one moment in time* you have to give up.  It's called selflessness.


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## Chico Buller (Sep 7, 2008)

Good thoughts, thank you.

But I was a good boy for most of my working life.  This is my time, and I should be able to use it as I wish.  Otherwise, what's the use of being a good boy and building a home.

It is going to be a very short night.  In fact, before he get's here, I'm going to sharpen his knife to guarantee that.


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## Adillo303 (Sep 7, 2008)

Seems to me that you should have hopped in your Harley and gone his way. Then, you are in control. Besides, you would have had a good ride.

AC

BTW - What is a POSILQ?


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## Barbara L (Sep 7, 2008)

He obviously doesn't take a hint, so don't rely on him to catch your signals that it is time for him to go. Let him know before he even comes that you only have a certain amount of time to take care of business (set an ending time). Serve one round of refreshments, make a little small-talk, but keep it mostly to business. 

Barbara


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## Silversage (Sep 7, 2008)

Adillo303 said:


> BTW - What is a POSILQ?



POSSLQ - US Census Bureau term for "Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters".   If I remember right, they coined the acronym during the 1970's or 80's (perhaps for the 1980 census?).


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## GB (Sep 7, 2008)

So what does the "I" stand for?


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## Barbara L (Sep 7, 2008)

Interesting.  I had never seen that acronym before, so I just looked it up, and the I should just be another S, for POSSLQ.  

Barbara


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## luvs (Sep 7, 2008)

prop your eyelids open with toothpicks & put on your robe, yawn plenty, like carol brunette.


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## smoke king (Sep 7, 2008)

Chico, I have no advice to lend. But I have to tell you, reading your posts always puts a smile on my face. You should write a book.

You are truly the Garrison Keilor (or G. Gordon Liddy?) of DC.  

Please, keep em' comin!!!


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## texasgirl (Sep 7, 2008)

I'm with love2q, sit a while, talk about your interest and then tell them, well, it was good to see, but, my wife is tired and she needs rest. I don't know what is wrong with her, maybe I missed it somewhere, but, by your posts, I don't think it's a cold. So, he either has morals and leaves when he knows it's time, or, you will know not to let him come over again, lol or, do as Adillo says, you go to his house and leave when you are ready, that way, you get your ride too


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## GB (Sep 7, 2008)

It might sound corny, but honesty is the best policy. It might not be the easiest policy, but it is the only way to get your needs addressed correctly. Tell your guest that you would love to have him over, but you need to call it a night by x o'clock. Direct honesty is the best way to go.


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## *amy* (Sep 7, 2008)

I've tried honesty, but some people just don't get it.  Set limits.  Tell your friend you have an appt or place to go at a certain time.  Walk them to the door & to their car.  I have a few friends that wont let me off the phone, talk for hours, & call every day.  One 'got it' when I was honest.  The other friend, well, had to give them a time limit & politely cut them off.


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## GB (Sep 7, 2008)

Why can't you be honest while giving a time limit??? Say you can't make this an all night affair so the night needs to end at x o'clock. There is no reason honesty can not be part of the equation.


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## luvs (Sep 7, 2008)

i agree, in sincerity. you can gently say, 'goodnite. it's way past our bedtime & we've work tomorrow. 'nite, thanks fer joining us, we'll see you soon." 

we've a buddy that talks incessantly, & he spends his night here when we visit with him, so you gotta kinda brush him off, i wait till jake says, "well, man, we're gonna try to get sleep fer tomorrow. i'm gonna work."


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## quicksilver (Sep 7, 2008)

I'm with smoke king & Stacey.                                           
Tell him he' s HIGH MAINTENENCE and that you love the guy, but just don't always have the energy, as things in your own life need that energy more.                                                          
And then get down to writing that book.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 7, 2008)

I'm with GB - I have no problem being honest with people and saying something like "I've really enjoyed our visit, but I/we really need to get some sleep." But having said that, I am remembering a friend up north who was the same way - he finally had to be asked very bluntly to go home. He came down here to visit us about a year ago...never again.


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## Barbara L (Sep 7, 2008)

Someone I talked to once (or maybe it was something they read) had a guest who wouldn't take a hint (yawning, looking at the clock, saying things about work, etc.).  They finally stood up, handed the guest the TV remote and said, "We have to be up early for work.  Don't forget to lock up when you leave."  

Barbara


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## Dave Hutchins (Sep 8, 2008)

Barb L you are too much.  Hand them the remote indeed.  My dad went to bed at 9 pm ever night of his life he did not care who was there he went to bed.  Then every body took the hint.


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## Fisher's Mom (Sep 8, 2008)

Sometimes I look at my watch and say "Heavens, I didn't know it was so late! I'm so sorry for keeping you here so long but I was just enjoying your visit and the time got away from me! Let me walk you to the car so you can get home to bed." Of course, this only works for people who have some social sensitivity. For those that don't, I apologize for having to end the evening but tell them that I turn into a pumpkin at 10 o'clock!


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## elaine l (Sep 8, 2008)

I feel your pain.  I have a friend or something like that who lives about 2 hours away.  She always tries to make plans that include her and her husband  staying overnight.  I don't mind getting together but not always for a weekend. To watch them sit here on a Sunday morning, reading the paper and I have no idea when they intend to leave.  Since neither of them work, they don't realize the value of a Sunday is to me.    I usually just beg off with an excuse. I shy away from friendships that just cause me stress.


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

It is now the morning after.  Yikes, what a night.

Just about the time I'm looking around for a "blunt object" with which to throttle him, *he hands me one*!  A pound of silver as a gift.  One of those giant proof coins.

So, I folded like a box-kite hitting a stone patio.  While the girls talked, he asked for a "few knives" that needed sharpening, and oh yes, could I polish them with paste and glass.  And he looked over each one like he was paying for them.

I hadn't eaten, I knew my wife had to eat with her thyroid meds, so like a big dummy I ask if anyone else is hungry.  We drive up the street to a Chinese restaurant my wife and I enjoy (inside the zone of a banger shooting gallery) and eat and talk and putz and wool-gather and wile away the hours until it's 10:30PM on my wife's school night.  (She's a teacher.)

We get back to my house to gather up his stuff, and he sees my nakiri laying on the bamboo board.  He looks up nonchalantly and asks, "Are these business related or personal?"

I use a biker epithet outlining that everything I have is for sale, except the motorcycle and the wife.  He shrugs, and asks, "Take a check?"

As they leave, his POSILQ (person of opposite sex in living quarters) gives me a big hug, and they fade into the evening.

I have a gift, dinner, and a profit.  Why does he do this to me?  And for a kink in the keester, I really like him.


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## Jeekinz (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> It might sound corny, but honesty is the best policy. It might not be the easiest policy, but it is the only way to get your needs addressed correctly. Tell your guest that you would love to have him over, but you need to call it a night by x o'clock. Direct honesty is the best way to go.


 
LOL....it's rare I agree with GB...rotf.  But he hit the nail on the head with this one.  It was exactly what I was thinking reading this thread.


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

Jeekinz, oh, I have no problem with honestly stating my true feelings, in fact my wife would be happy if I just shut up once in a while.

And since retirement I have no impulse control whatsoever.  I mean, here I am a tinker in the land of chefs.  How many weeks I have gone here without a ban?  Astounding!

The crux here is that this is a really good friend.  And to a biker, I would consider him a bro in all of the traditional descriptions.  And let's be honest, I probably drive him nuts.

I know that I can never have my own way 24/7, but sometimes this feeling wells up, and I cannot shake it.

The sad thing is that I am going to have to deal with this--if I want to keep our friendship and care for my wife under the new circumstances.  It's a tightrope to walk.  Perhaps that's the thing I hate.


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

Chico Buller said:


> Jeekinz, oh, I have no problem with honestly stating my true feelings, in fact my wife would be happy if I just shut up once in a while.
> 
> And since retirement I have no impulse control whatsoever.  I mean, here I am a tinker in the land of chefs.  How many weeks I have gone here without a ban?  Astounding!
> 
> ...



There are a whole bunch of words here, but none of them address why you could not just be honest with him and tell him you need him out of your house by a certain time.


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## texasgirl (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> There are a whole bunch of words here, but none of them address why you could not just be honest with him and tell him you need him out of your house by a certain time.


If you read between the lines, he's too nice for his own good! lol
I 'm guilty of the same thing! sad but true!


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

GB, if you grew up in that environment, you learn the ropes of that group.

For example, there is a world of difference between a friend and a bro.  You might not like the bro or what he does.  But he is part of what you consider an extended family.  You have taken on that responsibility.

You must have a no-brother-good-inlaw that drives you nuts and drinks up all of your good single malt.  But your wife loves him, deep inside he's an alright guy, so you cut him slack as you would for no one else.

Then again, you have a friend who is a confidant, the kind of guy who is always welcome for the big-screen and a Packer game.

This guy drives me nuts.  I don't know how to resolve it.  Frankly, deep inside, I'm hot sure I can or want to.


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## CharlieD (Sep 8, 2008)

I know exactly what you are talking about. My wife has this girl friend, I'm friends with her husband, oh, well, I think I'm more friends with her actually than with him. He is the nicesest man you'll ever meat, but her, I can't stand her. She is the loudest, never leaves, always invites her self over at the most inappropriate times. I do like her, but I hate her. I think I hate my self around her. Because I can never say "no" and she doesn't get it. She has no class what so ever, but she really is very funny, it's like a free cloun at the party. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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## QSis (Sep 8, 2008)

Love the coin, Chico!   

What you going to do with it?  Frame and hang it?

Lee


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

Chico Buller said:


> GB, if you grew up in that environment, you learn the ropes of that group.
> 
> For example, there is a world of difference between a friend and a bro.  You might not like the bro or what he does.  But he is part of what you consider an extended family.  You have taken on that responsibility.
> 
> ...



Again you have typed a lot of words, but have not said why you can not just be honest. 

What is so hard about saying you would love to have him over tonight, but you need to call of a night by 8pm?


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> but have not said why you can not just be honest.


 
I guess there are social mores in every aspect of culture, even mine.  If you went to a biker funeral, the last toast would spook your horse.

I guarantee we will speak.  My wife wanted to share some time with the POSILQ, she has not felt well, so I was more willing to cave.



			
				QSis said:
			
		

> What you going to do with it? Frame and hang it?


 
It looks like all of the cool kids hang these things around their necks.  It does match my chrome...


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## Jeekinz (Sep 8, 2008)

For some reason, I feel dumberer now.


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

Chico Buller said:


> I guess there are social mores in every aspect of culture, even mine.


So in the biker culture honesty is forbidden?


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> So in the biker culture honesty is forbidden?


 
No, quite the opposite.

However, things that you might find "rude public behavior" are simply mildly amusing for us.

One morning, I wanted to ride.  I pulled a buddy out of bed before the birds got up.  We blew the day off.  Now *his wife* had a firm opinion on this...

However, going out of your way is the correct way.  It's fixing a tire at 3:00AM in the rain.  It's getting your bell rung for a buddy whose drunken behavior irritated a townie.

These things are good because they are the fabric of something much bigger than any one of us.

There will come a time, over a cystal clear beaker of Don Julio when I'll mention that my buddy should "call first" a bit more often.  He'll shrug, probably admit it's a problem he has, and then we'll throw the cork away.

In the final analysis, it's *not even his problem*, it's the way he is.  The issue here is defining just exactly what kind of a friend and bro I want to be.  And part of me believes I failed somehow.



			
				Jeekinz said:
			
		

> For some reason, I feel dumberer now.


 
Haven't you seen those huge necklaces that kids wear?  Just slightly smaller than a license plate with some meaningless symbol on them?


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

So again you have not say why you can not just be honest. You keep on talking around it, but never answering it.  I can make it easy for you. Just fill in the blank.

I can not just tell my buddy that he needs to leave tonight by 8pm because...


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## blissful (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> So in the biker culture honesty is forbidden?


It doesn't matter who it is, that is 'needing attention', it's just that people sometimes do need to be with other people. To me it seems that Chico was just was being kind, and kindness is better than brutal honesty, or being selfish. That's just my opinion. 

He could also use the excuse, 'my wife has a tri-weekly date with me tonight at 8, and we have to 'get it done' before 9 so she can sleep and then work'. lol


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

blissful said:


> It doesn't matter who it is, that is 'needing attention', it's just that people sometimes do need to be with other people. To me it seems that Chico was just was being kind, and kindness is better than brutal honesty, or being selfish. That's just my opinion.


Chico started this thread by saying how his wife is sick and she pays for it when people over stay their welcome, he is unhappy with the situation, and referred to it as an impossible situation.

I do not see how it is selfish to be honest with your guest and tell them you would love to have them over, but the night needs to end by a certain time. 

He also said the guy drives him nuts and he doesn't know how to resolve it. I have mentioned being honest as a sure fire way of resolving it, but he never says why he is unable to do this. He just keeps talking about biker culture as if bikers can't be honest.


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## Chico Buller (Sep 8, 2008)

GB, cultures are always important.  For example, the 'okay symbol,' (thumb to index, the other fingers straight up), is an obscene gesture in some parts of the world.

The simple world "poser" can get you hospitalized in a biker bar.

My point is that I have made a covenant to act in a certain fashion among my peers.  Simple issue.

I'm sure you don't wear cut-off jeans and eat with your elbows on the table at Spago.

You do bring up a certain slant.  *If things were going perfectly*, I just might shrug.  But yes, my wife is sick.  I'm concerned.  It could simply be displaced anger or resentment on an issue I cannot solve.


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## Uncle Bob (Sep 8, 2008)

I guess you just need to decide who you care about the most...your wife or your friend? When you decide...have a drink of Scotch and forgetaboutit!


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

Chico Buller said:


> It could simply be displaced anger or resentment on *an issue I cannot solve.*


You can solve it. You are just looking for excuses not to. It is much easier to tell your friend honestly then to do what you have been doing. If he is truly your friend and brother then you can speak to him with honesty. You are just looking for excuses left and right to not do that. You won't even address the honesty issue.

Like UB said, you need to decide who means more to you, your wife or your friend.


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## luvs (Sep 8, 2008)

i don't get your biker connotation. so you're a biker. love bikes, my Dad's getting his 2nd for himself & my Mum. i spent years growing into adulthood with bikers.

i've frequented many bike nites & those bikers didn't mind that some non-biker chick & her guy were theer, we drank with them. maybe that's bikers from where i'm from. 

that aside, say you're calling it a nite! it's your call..... you assert yourself in a non-agressive manner & people respond.......


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## kitchenelf (Sep 8, 2008)

I'm not sure why "biker" is always brought up.  You can insert anything in there and it will apply.  A* friend *will show their friends respect, help their friends when needed, and understand when their friends need some time alone to rest.  I define who I am by my actions...not by my hobbies nor my interests.  I treat my friends like human beings and in return they treat me the same...it makes no difference what they do for "fun".  My code of ethics is a "life" code of ethics.  And if the term "poser" sets off those kinds of actions then I fear the term falls too close to home.  And if you have made a covenant to act a certain way among your friends...and that covenant includes putting your wife's health on the back burner...hey, they wouldn't be friends of mine for very long!  Emergencies excluded...but that goes for EVERYONE...bikers don't have that cornered.

But anywho..............repeat after me..............."My wife has over-exerted herself today and I don't want her to have a bad day tomorrow...she needs to rest...hope you don't mind but I'm going to be cutting the evening short.  At 8:00 we're calling it a night".


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## blissful (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> I do not see how it is selfish to be honest with your guest and tell them you would love to have them over, but the night needs to end by a certain time.


 
Yes, your question is honest and true, and sometimes the needs of a person SHOULD be more important than those of the 'needy person' that is visiting. It doesn't 'feel' right to everyone though because that person needed some attention. Sometimes, there are those of us that give and give and give, and she was needing to spend time with his (the visitor's) mate, so it was questionable as to whether action needed to be taken or not. You aren't wrong, you are just not feeling your way through it, you are 'thinking' your way through it, and there is nothing wrong with that either. People are feeling and thinking beings, it's more complicated than black and white, right and wrong.


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## GB (Sep 8, 2008)

blissful said:


> so it was questionable as to whether action needed to be taken or not.


Chico said it drive him nuts and he doesn't know how to solve it. That, to me, sounds like someone who is looking to take action. He also posted how he is miserable and how he is unhappy with the situation. That sounds like someone looking to take action.


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## blissful (Sep 8, 2008)

GB said:


> Chico said it drive him nuts and he doesn't know how to solve it. That, to me, sounds like someone who is looking to take action. He also posted how he is miserable and how he is unhappy with the situation. That sounds like someone looking to take action.


I understand. It's nice that you are trying to help.l


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## pacanis (Sep 8, 2008)

luvs said:


> *i don't get your biker connotation.* so you're a biker. love bikes, my Dad's getting his 2nd for himself & my Mum. i spent years growing into adulthood with bikers.
> 
> i've frequented many bike nites & those bikers didn't mind that some non-biker chick & her guy were theer, we drank with them. maybe that's bikers from where i'm from.
> 
> that aside, say you're calling it a nite! it's your call..... you assert yourself in a non-agressive manner & people respond.......


 
Ditto. None of my friends whom I consider "bikers" have to keep reminding everybody. And for all I know some of them could even be tinkers and say they know how to knife fight 
Harleys and knives and the internet oh my!


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