# Just need someone to talk to...



## Skittle68 (Mar 5, 2011)

This has nothing to do with cooking, but I can't go on Facebook, because my boyfriend, who I want to talk about, would see it. So I like to drink, and my boyfriend doesn't. He refuses to go out with me, so every month or so I go out without him, and since I'm by myself, I'm left to fend for myself for rides or whatever. Several months ago I wasn't ok to drive and I couldn't find a ride so I stayed on a (male) friend's couch. My boyfriend got very angry, but supposedly forgave me. He has brought it up randomly about once a month since then, so he obviously doesn't want to let me forget about it. For the first time in a year, it's made me wonder if maybe I would be better off single. Forgiveness is really important to me.  I wonder how he would react if I brought up something dumb he did a long time ago every month or so. I just need to talk to someone about it. Little help?


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## NAchef (Mar 5, 2011)

It may be something dumb to you but it may be a big trust issue for him. Why didn't you call your bf to pick you up that night?

The best thing to do is sit down and talk about it, lay all issues out on the table and work them out.


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## Bolas De Fraile (Mar 5, 2011)

Skittle if your boyfriend got drunk and stayed overnight in a girlfriends house how would you react.
Ps dont they have Taxi's where you live.


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## Andy M. (Mar 5, 2011)

You and boyfriend need to sit down and talk things out.  Your differences and how to handle them going forward, your past acts, everything.  Then you both need to assess whether or not you can live with the others habits.


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## Skittle68 (Mar 5, 2011)

He doesn't have a phone. And yes there are taxis, but it would be about $20 to get to where we live. We have talked about it. He has brought up the same thing. I wouldn't like it if he stayed on some girls couch. He's brought that up too, but I would forgive him and not throw it in his face all the time...


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## NAchef (Mar 5, 2011)

You never know what you would do until it happens to you. Again, you have to talk or it won't get better.


On a side note my ex. wife used to go out "dancing & drinking" a bit, I said it was ok as it was something she liked. A couple years later I found out she had been sleeping around with many people, which is why she is now my ex.

He obviously has some trust issues that was not made any better by what happened. 
Just like Andy said "can you live with the others habits" Talk with him and let each other know what you expect.

Good luck!


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## CraigC (Mar 5, 2011)

IMO, drinkers and non-drinkers don't make for lasting relationships.

Craig


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

CraigC said:


> IMO, drinkers and non-drinkers don't make for lasting relationships.
> 
> Craig


+1


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

Skittle68 said:


> Several months ago I wasn't ok to drive and I couldn't find a ride so I stayed on a (male) friend's couch.


That alone wound be a huge red flag for me.


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## Alix (Mar 5, 2011)

CraigC said:


> IMO, drinkers and non-drinkers don't make for lasting relationships.
> 
> Craig



-1. My husband is a strict NON drinker and I drink when I wish to do so. Been together for almost 20 years now and going strong. 

This is not about drinking or not drinking though. It is, as folks have already suggested, about trust and about making concessions to one another in your relationship. He wouldn't keep bringing it up if it didn't bother him. You clearly hurt him and there is some trust that needs rebuilding. Whether you did anything wrong or not is immaterial. He is feeling hurt by your actions. He's bringing it up because he is afraid you are going to hurt him again. It appears the ball is in your court, you are going to have to show him he can trust you. Have that conversation everyone is encouraging you to have and really listen to what he tells you.

I would also suggest you chat with a close girlfriend as sometimes things are lost in text. Good luck and I wish you well.


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## CraigC (Mar 5, 2011)

Alix said:


> -1. My husband is a strict NON drinker and I drink when I wish to do so. Been together for almost 20 years now and going strong.
> 
> This is not about drinking or not drinking though. It is, as folks have already suggested, about trust and about making concessions to one another in your relationship. He wouldn't keep bringing it up if it didn't bother him. You clearly hurt him and there is some trust that needs rebuilding. Whether you did anything wrong or not is immaterial. He is feeling hurt by your actions. He's bringing it up because he is afraid you are going to hurt him again. It appears the ball is in your court, you are going to have to show him he can trust you. Have that conversation everyone is encouraging you to have and really listen to what he tells you.
> 
> I would also suggest you chat with a close girlfriend as sometimes things are lost in text. Good luck and I wish you well.


 
Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.

Craig


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## Skittle68 (Mar 5, 2011)

CraigC said:
			
		

> Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.
> 
> Craig



Two drinks is my limit for driving. If I might be over the legal limit I won't risk it. I was pretty impaired that night, but not being able to drive does not necessarily equal drinking in excess. 

Anyway, thank you alix, that was very helpful.


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## Alix (Mar 5, 2011)

CraigC said:


> Do you drink to the stage that the OP stated, to the point of being greatly impaired? Needing to put yourself in a situation where trust comes into question. As I said it was my opinion.
> 
> Craig



Craig, your statement did not reference anything about trust whatsoever, it stated merely that drinkers and non drinkers did not have lasting relationships. Your opinion is duly noted. Mine, as I stated, is different.

Skittle, I think if you care for each other enough to be this hurt, you care enough to work through this bumpy patch. Again, best wishes my friend!


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## Luvabigdog (Mar 5, 2011)

I drink wine every day and my family business is a vineyard and winery.  My wife, who is from Russia, does not drink because her father was abusive with alcohol.  We get along great.  

I think lumping people into categories is foolish.  Drinkers, non-drinkers, non-smokers, etc.  

You're BF is obviously jealous.  I'm extremely jealous of my wife.  I know it would take me a long time to forget something like that.  Does not mean I would not forgive.....I just would not forget.  Right now he has ammunition against you and will probably continue to use it for a little while.  He has probably already forgiven you.....but he needs to hang onto this for a little while.  I probably would also.  Does not mean it is the right thing to do, but he's doing it now.  

I think talking about it will help....but you'll end up going in a circle.  The way it sounds is that he will hang onto it for a little while and probably continue to bring it up in the future.  If you refuse to let him "beat you up" with that scenario, he's probably stop bringing it up.  I know I would.

If you truly love one to the other.....this will pass.  Look down the long road.


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## Somebunny (Mar 5, 2011)

I think Alix and Loveabigdog have you on the right track Skittle.  If this relationship is really important to you, and it sounds like it is....then give it some time.  Time and talk are great healers


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

As long as the OP isn't abusing alcohol it's all cool.  Many relationships ultimately end up in the dumps when there's alcohol abuse.


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## Kayelle (Mar 5, 2011)

Skittle68 said:


> This has nothing to do with cooking, but I can't go on Facebook, because my boyfriend, who I want to talk about, would see it. So I like to drink, and my boyfriend doesn't. He refuses to go out with me, so every month or so I go out without him, and since I'm by myself, I'm left to fend for myself for rides or whatever. Several months ago I wasn't ok to drive and I couldn't find a ride so I stayed on a (male) friend's couch. My boyfriend got very angry, but supposedly forgave me. He has brought it up randomly about once a month since then, so he obviously doesn't want to let me forget about it. For the first time in a year, it's made me wonder if maybe I would be better off single. Forgiveness is really important to me.  I wonder how he would react if I brought up something dumb he did a long time ago every month or so. I just need to talk to someone about it. Little help?



Skittle the sentence in red says it all, and maybe he would be better off single too.  I'm not saying that to be hurtful to you..  Just my old fashioned opinion, that people who are committed to each other don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone stay out overnight with someone. You *are* leading the life of a single, and I'm sure that is his legitimate objection.  In my opinion he is not being unreasonable.
I truly wish both of you well.


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## babetoo (Mar 5, 2011)

i agree with craig. i tried a relationship when i didn't drink and he did. i became disgusted with how he behaved when he drank. it was a deal breaker. i didn't mind a couple of drinks but he would stop off after work when more than likely i was holding dinner. if a cocktail at home is not enough for you, you would be better off single. just thank goodness you are not married to him.


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## PattY1 (Mar 5, 2011)

Luvabigdog said:


> I drink wine every day and my family business is a vineyard and winery.  My wife, who is from Russia, does not drink because her father was abusive with alcohol.  We get along great.
> 
> I think lumping people into categories is foolish.  Drinkers, non-drinkers, non-smokers, etc.
> 
> ...




Insecurities and Control Issues fly that *RED FLAG* high. The need to keep drudging up the past is "DIRTY FIGHTING" and is NOT acceptable.


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## PattY1 (Mar 5, 2011)

Kayelle said:


> Skittle the sentence in red says it all, and maybe he would be better off single too.  I'm not saying that to be hurtful to you..  Just my old fashioned opinion, that *people who are committed to each other don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone stay out overnight with someone. *You *are* leading the life of a single, and I'm sure that is his legitimate objection.  In my opinion he is not being unreasonable.
> I truly wish both of you well.



Just because two people are in a committed relationship, it does not mean that they should be attached at the hip!!!


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## pacanis (Mar 5, 2011)

I was all ready to say good post Luva, when I read Kayelle's post.... actually, they are both pretty good, but maybe it is Kayelle highliting hers that something Skittles said caught my eye... "for the first time in a year"?... so once a year you wish you were single, Skittles? That is what sticks out to me in what you said. It sounds to me like either someone needs to commit more or that someone needs to be more honest with themselves. Trials and tribulations does not mean you should be wishing you were single. IMO that is half the reason you slept over at your friend's.


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## Kayelle (Mar 5, 2011)

PattY1 said:


> Just because two people are in a committed relationship, it does not mean that they should be attached at the hip!!!



Patti I never inferred they should be attached at the hip......in fact, I don't think that's healthy either. Do you disagree with  _*people who are committed to each other  don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone  stay out overnight with someone. *_????


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## PattY1 (Mar 5, 2011)

Kayelle said:


> Patti I never inferred they should be attached at the hip......in fact, I don't think that's healthy either. Do you disagree with  _*people who are committed to each other  don't leave their loved one at home to go out and party alone, let alone  stay out overnight with someone. *_????




Yes, I do. What is wrong with doing things separate "every month or so"?  Ok, the part about staying with a friend, not so much, but it happend and it will happen to people much more then you think. Had she gone against her better judgment and drove any way and had an accident, he would use that against her too. Another Control Tactic. Someone in this relationship needs to get over something. It is up to them to decide who and what.


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## GB (Mar 5, 2011)

I disagree with that statement Kayelle. I don't think those two things have to go together. Some people party and some don't. Just as some like to go to the opera and some don't or some like to bunny jump and some don't. You can still have a successful relationship without doing those things with your partner.


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## Luvabigdog (Mar 5, 2011)

For starters.....we don't know this couple and diagnosing their relationship isn't something we should aspire to do.  Skittle, you are the only one who know what will work with this relationship and what won't work.  RED FLAGS and THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE probably works for the person who wrote it....doesn't mean it would work for you.  I know it wouldn't work in our relationship.  Sure, we hang onto things and often bring up the past....but that's the past.  The next couple of days will tell you a lot. 

If he brings this up frequently, and several times a day and keeps doing so; then he is thinking about it a lot and little else.  That should be a danger sign to you that you need to try do do something immediately.  And only you know what that should be.  We all have opinions and advice....but only you know what will work.  

I'll be the first to admit that guys can be jerks sometimes.....but then we all have our moments.  Again, if you don't allow him to beat you over the head with this, he'll stop bringing it up and move on.  Good luck.


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

I would have a problem with my wife going partying *alone* anywhere.
I don't dance but I let my wife go dancing with her girlfriends frequently.  I've never had a problem with that over the 25 years we've been married.


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## Andy M. (Mar 5, 2011)

Rather than judging the OP's actions or relationship. We should offer help as she asked.


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## Mimizkitchen (Mar 5, 2011)

Skittle68 said:


> This has nothing to do with cooking, but I can't go on Facebook, because my boyfriend, who I want to talk about, would see it.



Defriend him..... Seriously you probably spent more on drinks than it would have cost to get a taxi home... Grow up, you don't spend the night on another mans "COUCH" and expect that to be okay with your partner...


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## taxlady (Mar 5, 2011)

What a bunch of conservative old fuddy duddies. Didn't someone recently point out that lots of us are baby boomers, old hippies (I wasn't a hippy - I was a freak).

The jealousy would freak me out. My husband goes to parties without me every now and again. He has even stayed over at female friends' homes when the buses had stopped running. Big deal. I would rather that than have a drunken friend drive him home.

" 'Love' is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy."
Robert A. Heinlein


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

We need a poll thread.


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## Mimizkitchen (Mar 5, 2011)

I'm certainly not an old "fuddy duddie", and I am certain that my happiness is something I create myself, not dependent on someone else to give it to me... Love or not...


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## PrincessFiona60 (Mar 5, 2011)

taxlady said:


> What a bunch of conservative old fuddy duddies. Didn't someone recently point out that lots of us are baby boomers, old hippies (I wasn't a hippy - I was a freak).
> 
> The jealousy would freak me out. My husband goes to parties without me every now and again. He has even stayed over at female friends' homes when the buses had stopped running. Big deal. I would rather that than have a drunken friend drive him home.
> 
> ...


 
Amen, you either trust or you don't.  If there is no trust...


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## CharlieD (Mar 5, 2011)

I don't think it even has anything to do with drinking. For me as soon as I started dating my wife, I refused to go out by my self. Still do not and would not. That is not why I got married. In my opinion if you feel a need to go out without your boy friend you do not need to be together. I am happy to simply go out on the deck of our house and talk to my wife, rather than going out by me self. When you find somebody you want to be so much together and he with you, then you have the right person. In this situation you are both wrong. He is wrong by not going out with you, you are wrong by not spending $20 bucks to get home. It is not that much money to risk the relationship. You must have known that he'd be mad if you stay with a guy, even though you did not stay with him, but he was there.


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## Zereh (Mar 5, 2011)

Ask him if he's said everything he needs to say about that night. If he hasn't then give him one time to let it out of his system. Otherwise he needs to seriously "adult up" and let it go already. And if he isn't done or won't be done I guess he needs to ask himself if that's what is going to be the relationship breaker? Because that's what he is turning it into.

And really? He can't trust you to sleep on someone's couch? I mean, next thing you know you'll be attacking the produce man at the grocery store!  I'd run far and I'd run fast.

*Edit:* Just have to add that I would go stark raving mad if I ONLY did things with my guy and he with me. Just because you enjoy time apart does not mean that you're not "right" for each other by any stretch of the imagination. So what works and is obvious for some people is completely wrong and unworkable for others. =) I guess that's why the original question is so hard to answer; we all put the "I" and "we" twist on it that probably doesn't apply to their relationship or situation.


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## joesfolk (Mar 5, 2011)

I did not read all of the posts in this thread but a couple of things come to mind.  Didn't you guys recently move to a new town?  I can't quite remember.  Do you personally have a support system outside of your bf, like family and friends who are nearby?  I think your bf has reason to be concerned but I am also concerned that perhaps he may be becoming a little too possessive if he can't let it go after he says that he forgave you.  You might want to consider looking into couples counseling.  I know you said you were concerned about spending money for a taxi but paying for counseling might save your relationship, or it might show you that perhaps you two are not suited for each other.  Either way you might want to look into it before your relationship goes much farther.  Hope all turns out well.


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## PattY1 (Mar 5, 2011)

roadfix said:


> I would have a problem with my wife going partying *alone* anywhere.
> I don't dance but I* let my wife* go dancing with her girlfriends frequently.  I've never had a problem with that over the 25 years we've been married.




Let your wife? Did you marry her or adopt her?


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## roadfix (Mar 5, 2011)

PattY1 said:


> Let your wife? Did you marry her or adopt her?


Good point.  I should have worded that phrase a differently.


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## Somebunny (Mar 5, 2011)

roadfix said:
			
		

> Good point.  I should have worded that phrase a differently.



I'm so glad to hear that roadfix.  I bet you meant I don't mind if my wife goes dancing
;-)
Sent from my iPhone using Cooking


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## PattY1 (Mar 5, 2011)

roadfix said:


> Good point.  I should have worded that phrase a differently.




 That is what I was hoping......


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## Skittle68 (Mar 5, 2011)

pacanis said:
			
		

> I was all ready to say good post Luva, when I read Kayelle's post.... actually, they are both pretty good, but maybe it is Kayelle highliting hers that something Skittles said caught my eye... "for the first time in a year"?... so once a year you wish you were single, Skittles? That is what sticks out to me in what you said. It sounds to me like either someone needs to commit more or that someone needs to be more honest with themselves. Trials and tribulations does not mean you should be wishing you were single. IMO that is half the reason you slept over at your friend's.



We've been together for a year- that's what I meant. 




			
				joesfolk said:
			
		

> I did not read all of the posts in this thread but a couple of things come to mind.  Didn't you guys recently move to a new town?  I can't quite remember.  Do you personally have a support system outside of your bf, like family and friends who are nearby?  I think your bf has reason to be concerned but I am also concerned that perhaps he may be becoming a little too possessive if he can't let it go after he says that he forgave you.  You might want to consider looking into couples counseling.  I know you said you were concerned about spending money for a taxi but paying for counseling might save your relationship, or it might show you that perhaps you two are not suited for each other.  Either way you might want to look into it before your relationship goes much farther.  Hope all turns out well.



We were going to move to a new town, but the money from the job offer wasn't quite worth it to move. He would have had to hire a property manager for his rental properties here, and pay for private health insurance, which he has now through his current job. 

Other than when I go out (which is rarely) pretty much the only person I hang out with is my sister. If I didn't go out at all I would go crazy. I start feeling cooped up. He is fine with that, otherwise I wouldn't do it. Although personally, I don't think it's too much to ask for him to come out once a month. But he won't, so that's that. Anyway, my issue is that he obviously has trust issues, and difficulty forgiving. To me, that is the only red flag. I tried talking to him but he pretty much just said "trust is easy to lose, but hard to get back." That's true, but not very helpful :/


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## Midnight_Merlot (Mar 5, 2011)

PattY1 said:


> Let your wife? Did you marry her or adopt her?


 


roadfix said:


> Good point. I should have worded that phrase a differently.


*giggles profusely at this exchange*

Skittles, my youngest daughters father, when I was 8 & a half months pregnant w/her, just wanted to "go have a beers w/the "fellas" one night"...ok..."have fun hunny" I said, & meant it too....well, hours go by. Nothiing. He had turned off his cell ph. At some point, I finally did manage sleep, but...not a good one. I woke up just a couple of hours later- round 6ish a.m.. Began calling hospitals, his friends, even driving to a couple of their houses. I was, a MILLION percent worried & concerned, &, thought I was going to go into labor due to the stress.
Around 7-8 a.m., he called w/this insane story about how he had been in JAIL of all places!! So, thats why he COULDN'T call me???? WTH? 
He came home, went straight to shower....then, went to sleep. ...I called the city where he "claimed" to have been locked up for being "drunk in public", &, I will NEVER forget the officer on the other line saying to me "ma'am, I have never been sorry to anyone before for having to tell them that this person WAS NOT in jail here"...I never did find out where that rat spent the night, but...it sure wasn't jail. 
My DH now though, goes zillions of places w/o me...I NEVER wonder what hes up to...my trust in him is a MILLION percent! But, then again,...I never give pause to where he's at, because, he always calls me. I trust him like I have never trusted another. I must say, that I truly have peace of mind now. It's...BLISSFUL!!! 
If, however, I found out that he just "slept on a girl "friends" couch"???...& NOT called me, I would be a VERY difficult person to live with!
Sounds as if you BF is finding it very difficult to "digest" your couch story too...people, afterall, DO have wild imaginations. Which, could very well leave them w/a very bitter taste in their mouths. His pride, I would say, is quite bruised. I don't want to "point fingers" at anyone here, but...he IS human, &...well, I just want to perhaps give my 2 cents as to WHY maybe this is hard to overcome. 
Wishing you good luck!


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## Bolas De Fraile (Mar 6, 2011)

Skittle68 said:


> He doesn't have a phone. And yes there are taxis, but it would be about $20 to get to where we live. We have talked about it. He has brought up the same thing. I wouldn't like it if he stayed on some girls couch. He's brought that up too, but I would forgive him and not throw it in his face all the time...


Whilst married I have never cheated, $20 for a Taxi and you did not use, you obviously did not know your boyfriend. "officers I only had two drinks"  "I would forgive him" I believe that as much as when I'm told the checks in the post. Its time to move on, get on "Facebook" put in your profile prone to alien abductions, I used that one twice!
Ps Write to the Maury show,but remember the lie detector is only 96% accurate.


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