# Bilby's mother



## Bilby (Mar 6, 2009)

Just wantd to let all my DC friends know that my mother passed away this morning (2:15am Perth daylight saving time).  I had been sleeping at the hospital for a week or so and was there for her last breath.  Been busy today arranging the funeral and phoning as many of her friends as I could remember the names of. Cremation is next Friday.  I am glad she is gone now as she was in so much agony at the end. I had to argue with a nurse last night to give her an extra dose of pain relief before they turned her.  Neither my brother nor I wanted her to wake up and be distressed so we have tried to make sure she was heavily medicated once she decided she had enough (Tuesday). Luckily my youngest aunt was with me so when I just double-checked with her for her opinion, the nurse relented.  She said she was concerned that the extra dose may have pushed her over but it wouldn't have mattered if it had as she was so near death anyway, it would have been a mercy. (It didn't by the way.  She died several hours after the dose would have worn off.) My brother returned to the country on Wednesday so we made arrangements sort of together over the phone with the funeral director sitting with me and my (another) aunt and uncle.

Mum and I were very close and her passing leaves a very large hole in my life. I am fine but I am very sad if I allow myself to dwell on it, ... so I try not to!

I will try to check in a bit more often once life settles down again but I have a house to sort out over the next few months ... actually two - hers and mine!  Mine has been in a state of neglect every since she got sick.  I figured there was all the time in the world to clean but not so to be with mum.

Take care all.  Bilby (Penny)


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## LadyCook61 (Mar 6, 2009)

Dear Penny,
My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother.  I lost my mother in '88 and was by her side when she passed.  
(((Hugs)))
Diane


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## Andy M. (Mar 6, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Katie H (Mar 6, 2009)

I'm sorry to learn of your mother's death, Penny.  I'm glad she is at peace.  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


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## jabbur (Mar 6, 2009)

My mom passed away nearly 6 years ago after a good fight with cancer.  Reading your post took me right back there.  I know the feeling of relief that's it over and there is no more pain for your mom, but your pain is just starting.  I still cry every now and then when I think of her.  I'll pray for you and your family.  It is always difficult to lose someone you are close to and losing Mom is hardest of all.  May you continue to find the strength to face the days ahead.


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## Alix (Mar 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry about your Mum. I know its been an awful little while for you. I hope you can find some peace now.


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## GB (Mar 6, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.


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## miniman (Mar 6, 2009)

Sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.


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## jennyema (Mar 6, 2009)

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[bilby]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]


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## kitchenelf (Mar 6, 2009)

{{{{{{{Penny}}}}}}}

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  You make my heart ache talking about it.  You know you did all the right things - she IS very proud of you.  Take a few moments and remember all the wonderful times.  Yes, life is different, but, manageable.  We are all here if you need "let it out!"


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## ChefJune (Mar 6, 2009)

Sending you hugs, Penny.

Watching someone you love so much suffer is just about the worst torture in the world.  At least she has no more pain.


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## Barbara L (Mar 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear this Penny.  I know how hard it has been for you.  I'm glad your mum is at peace now.  I'm glad you were able to be there for her through the end.  My mom died a little over 8 years ago, so I understand some of your loss.  Prayers for you and your family as you take care of all the arrangements and move on with your lives.

Barbara


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## Toots (Mar 6, 2009)

I'm really sorry Penny.


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## texasgirl (Mar 6, 2009)

I'm sorry. Believe when I say, you will be happy late on that you were there with her. My sisters and I were all there for my mom the last days also.
I really am so very sorry Bilby!


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## MexicoKaren (Mar 6, 2009)

Penny, I am so sorry about your loss. Moms hold such a unique place in our lives and losing them is so hard. I felt privileged to be with my mom when she passed from this world 17 years ago. I still miss her, and find myself, every now and then, reaching for the phone to call and tell her something. There's a strange "aloneness" about losing your mother that is hard to explain. I hope you have loving friends and family around you to give you comfort. Your DC friends are here for you always.


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## LPBeier (Mar 6, 2009)

Penny, my heart goes out to you.  My mother left us 14 years ago (this coming Wednesday) and I, like others have mentioned, understand all that you are going through right now.  You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend.  Take it easy and know that when you need some support, you have a large group of people here who care very much about you.


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## Rob Babcock (Mar 7, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss.  At least you were there at the end.


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## expatgirl (Mar 7, 2009)

hugs and warm hearts embracing you for your loss.........


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## DawnT (Mar 7, 2009)

Penny, I'm so sorry about your Mum.  I know that you two were close, she helped you through your kidney problems when she could and she knows you were there for her.  Our prayers are with you.  Dawn


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## mbasiszta (Mar 7, 2009)

I was with my mom when she died, too. Wow, talk about powerful feelings! She said not to mourn her, but it was okay if we didn't forget her. She still had her Irish sense of humor to the bitter end. Penny, don't forget your mum even though it hurts; rather keep her memory - that way she isn't really gone. Six years and I still tear. Sorry about your loss, Penny. Marty


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## Bilby (Mar 7, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your messages of support.  My father died when I was 15 so I am not unfamiliar with this but as many of you have said, your mother holds a different role in most of our lives.  The extended family has been so together for the past few weeks to be with mum that now, I and I think most of the others, want a bit of alone time, as well as a return to normallacy.  Each time I go to bed, I get pounced on by one of my cats cos even they have suffered as I have barely been here and they have just been locked up 24/7.

First night back in my own bed, I couldn't sleep - not thru grief you understand - but cos my body had adjusted to sleeping on one of those fold-a-beds!  My big comfortable bed just didn't do it for me!!! And I had to sleep with the light on, cos again, I had adjusted.  (Mum wanted the light on all night as I suspect that as her eyesight failed her in the last weeks, she wasn't sure if she was alive or dead when she woke up during the night. At least if the light was on, she could make out the furniture, etc.)

Now, I am so torn between getting stuck in to packing things up and cleaning or just going to bed and trying to catch up on my missed sleep!!  Having spoken with heaps of mum's friends to let them know in the last two days, I have just about spoken my initial grief out.

Life is dynamic. Onwards and upwards, as they say.  I shall see what tomorrow brings.

Thanks again.
Penny


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## Loprraine (Mar 7, 2009)

I'm very sorry for your loss, Penny.


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## mikki (Mar 8, 2009)

So sorry about your Mum passing Penny, Your in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Bilby (Mar 10, 2009)

Thanks Loprraine and Mikki. The things I am now finding hardest is all those incidental comments you make to someone close to you - there isn't anyone to do that with anymore. You know, without having to provide a background story to it. I just try not to say the word "miss" very often, cos that makes me tear up. And stay busy - which as there is so much to do, is very very easy.


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## In the Kitchen (Mar 10, 2009)

Dear Bilby:
I apologize for not reading your notice sooner.  I can't really say where my mind is these days.  I would like to say through prayer and time you will accept and adjust to her absence, after all you have a family with your cats and they need  your attention.  Did  your mother like cats too?  I am dog person myself as you probably well know.

As the days slowly go by, I would just treat myself the best way I knew how.  If you want to rest do so, if you have energy and ambition to clean then do that.  My mom went the same way.  Sedated before her time.  When someone you love is not feeling well, your love allows them to get relief the best way possible.  Never thought I would ever feel this way about letting someone go.  Same way I feel about my dogs.  Just want the most normal way of life for those we care about.

Words cannot express the sincere sympathy I have for you and your family.  Nothing  can take the place of a mother.  Just be so very thankful you were allowed t he time you had with her before she got so bad.  My mother had me when she was older so I always felt that each day was a gift and appreciated her time.  The memories are mine.  I will hold on to them as long as I can.  She would want you to take care of yourself and remember her.  Life is truly a gift when there is love involved.

I am thinking and praying for you, Bilby.


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## Michael in FtW (Mar 10, 2009)

Penny - you are in my thoughts and prayers. My step-mom passed away last Feb and I know it was really hard to move on (dad passed away about 12 years ago). She had been living with me since dad passed so I could take care of her - and then just overnight she wasn't there. Being divorced I was accustomed to being lonely at times ... but this was the first time I had ever felt totally alone.


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## kadesma (Mar 10, 2009)

Penny,
it's going to seem odd for a time..Lonely, frustrating.There will be times when you call out a question and then realize there will be NO answer. I still find myself late at night if I get up and have to pass the sliding door in the family room I stop and look to see if my mother's porch light is on on her mobile home..the home as been gone now for 1 year. When this happens I want to just stand there and cry..I do know that mom is finally happy. As much as she loved my sister and me, my dad was her life and she missed him so much it hurt to here her speak of him. I miss both of them, but know they are walking hand in hand now and happy. I wish you the peace of knowing you did what you mom wanted and she loved you. She had a wonderful loving daughter.
kadesma


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## Bilby (Mar 10, 2009)

ITK, Michael and Kadesma: thank you for your kind words.  I am used to mum going away every so often for a week or so to visit my brother in the country, so this week hasn't been too bad but I think it will hit me next week or the week after when she doesn't "come back".  Luckily I have a lot to get through so will be a bit distracted and I am trying to plan a few social things that I haven't done either ever or in a long time.  I try to just see this as another phase in my life but it is hard to maintain that stance.

And yes ITK, mum was partial to cats but I think preferred dogs.  Either way, my eldest cat is "ours". I am the only one in my extended family that is animal mad. None of them understand it and all worry about me with the animals cos having so many just doesn't enter into their psyche.  Different strokes, and all.


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## In the Kitchen (Mar 11, 2009)

Bilby said:


> ITK, Michael and Kadesma: thank you for your kind words.  I am used to mum going away every so often for a week or so to visit my brother in the country, so this week hasn't been too bad but I think it will hit me next week or the week after when she doesn't "come back".  Luckily I have a lot to get through so will be a bit distracted and I am trying to plan a few social things that I haven't done either ever or in a long time.  I try to just see this as another phase in my life but it is hard to maintain that stance.
> 
> And yes ITK, mum was partial to cats but I think preferred dogs.  Either way, my eldest cat is "ours". I am the only one in my extended family that is animal mad. None of them understand it and all worry about me with the animals cos having so many just doesn't enter into their psyche.  Different strokes, and all.



Thanks Bilby for the response!  Have been thinking of you and I am thrilled you have and 'ours' cat!  I have an 'ours' dog which now is 14 and give him acupuncture treatments (sacrifice) just to 'keep' him here.  I always feel he is connection in some way.  My brothers all understand and love the dog too.  Looks kind of 'alien' with very little hair and moving so slow but we all love him.  I am very very happy you have your cats.  NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK.  Your cats understand you better than anyone.  I have heard that cats have their own minds and if they don't like someone will let you know.  I don't think dog has same personality. 

Take care of yourself and you are doing good by trying to get in social contact.  Just don't give up your cats for anyone.  What is the name of "ours" cat?  My dog is China.  Name my mother gave him so my son we aren't changing it.  Sure odd now he is getting Chinese acupuncture!


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## David Cottrell (Mar 13, 2009)

Dear Penny, May you and your family be sustained in the death of your dear mother. Do come back and visit and share. Sorry I'm late with this.


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## Bilby (Mar 16, 2009)

Thanks David and please don't apologise.  The amount of happy and sad notices that I have been late for or missed entirely over the year and a bit I have been with DC don't bear thinking about!  And I am trying to keep my oar in here.  There is still so much to do for mum's estate and I am doing most of it on my own, but without the luxury of making my own decisions - I have to consult with my brother at the very least which hems me in somewhat. I am trying to get things done but they are slow coaches!! LOL

ITK - my "our" cat is Tammy. She is the daughter of my second ever cat, and the only one left of the litter. She is 22 years old now, and has recently developed the habit of just sitting by the fridge waiting for me to show up!  She is rather partial to raw mince. I generally indulge her as any enthusiasm for anything should be encouraged at her age. Also keeps her eyesight working - which is failing - as she has to follow the meat from my hand to the ground, provided she knows it is happening as she is deaf and doesn't know when you tell her to look.  Tammy got her name from an Enid Blyton book; the wild man of the woods was named Tamalyn, which is really Tammy's name.  Always thought Tammy and I would go first though. Go figure.


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## In the Kitchen (Mar 16, 2009)

We have Similar family!  I can so much relate to your dilemma, having one 'our' cat and also have younger ones too!  Tammy needs more time, but so worth it. People should be more understanding of their elderly relatives. My dog has been keeping me up at night.  He seems to be so hot and it is still chilly outside.  Therefore, we sacrifice our comfort and turn the heat off so he can rest.  As for food, if I wouldn't continually watch him when he eats young ones would take away from him.  Can't even see no more and no hearing.  Walks around perimeter of yard to get from one place to the next. But even though he 'waddles' w/arthritis he is inspiration to the rest of us.  Makes us feel ashamed that we have mouths to grumble.  He has hair but only around shoulders and rear end, middle completely bare.  This life seems like struggling the older we get.  Old age is not for sissies.  Art Linkletter said that and he is STILL around.  His mind is still okay too.  However, he really doesn't complain when he is on tv.  I am sure your mom would have known him.  

About your family, brother, when my mom left I did not question her things that were left.  In my mind, I had the best part anyway which was the relationship we had together.  To get involved with my sister is a fate worse than regular torture.  She is more materialistic than I am.  As they say, can't take it with you when you leave this world.  I am sorry this is left for you to take care of.  Just take your time and when the heartache comes allow for it to happen.  This is all part of healing.  

I do thank you for your time to write about Tammy.  i just am so happy she 'waits' for you.  She is special and being 22 makes her even more so.  Watch her closely as she has much wisdom to share with you.  She understands your pain.  She is here for special reason.


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## Chief Longwind Of The North (Mar 16, 2009)

I've seen it posted before that once a person passes beyond mortality, that they are in peace, but the heartache is just beginning for those lleft behind.  I take a different approach to death.  My Mother, Father, and Step-Father have all passed away.  I was there for all of them at the end.  I loved them dearly in life, but truly believe there is life after death.  And with that belief, I know that I will see them again, and that this seperation is temporary.  It still saddens me at times when I can't see them, or talk to them.  But then again, I am the guy who is left as the eldest of the family.  It's my responsibility to be there for my siblings, my children, and my 6 month grandaughter, not to mention those yet to come.  They will be sad when I pass from mortality, but also know that we will be together again after they move on as well.  There will be a reunion of family, and joy will reign when we are again together.  In the meantime, I will hold down the fort for my family.

I do not despair at the loss of those who went before me.  I rejoice that they are in a better place than I am, and that one day, I too will be there.  For me, mortal life is just one facet of life, and a small one when compared with forever.  I just hope that I learn as much as I can from this part of that life, and can share my time with my family, and learn from them, and teach them, and love them as much as any person can.  They are my life, before mortality, during, and after.

You have not lost your mother.  She's setting a place for you at a different dinner table, awaiting that wonderful reunion that is to come.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North


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## Bilby (Mar 29, 2009)

ITK -  I always try to spend some "quality" time with Tammy but she doesn't always want my company anymore - just my food!! I worked out the other day that if I tried to spend half an hour with each cat per day, I would lose (or probably I should say am losing!) 6 1/2 hours every day on them! And that excludes any feeding or clearing up - just the loving attention bit.  No wonder I am permanently tired!! LOL

Goodweed -  thanks for your support.


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## LPBeier (Mar 29, 2009)

Goodweed, that is so wonderfully put and how I see it as well.

Bilby, I have two dogs.  Yes, just two.  If I gave them all the attention they DEMAND, I would have about 1/2 hour out of 24 left and that would be taken up by feeding them and letting them in and out!  How you do it with all your kitties is an amazement to me.  But I am sure they are a wonderful comfort!

It is always good to see you online!  Be well my friend.


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## Bilby (Mar 30, 2009)

Ha ha Laurie!  If I gave all of them all of the attention they demand, (1) they wouldn't all get attention as I have a few hoggers (!!) and (2) I wouldn't move off the couch!!!  Rationing is in force in my house.  Thankfully I only have to throw food for the birds and not pet them or I may as well just give up movement!! LOL


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