# Heard any good jokes lately?



## Captain Morgan

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a 
pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the 
 bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed 
 him in the closet, stark naked. 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the 
 bedroom discovered the man in the closet.  "Who are you?" he asked 
him. 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man 
replied. 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"


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## Smokey_Joe




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## ScottyDaQ

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Scotty Da Q.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Scotty Da Q said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Scotty Da Q replied.


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## Smokey_Joe

I don't care who ya are....now that  there's damn funny!


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## Smokey_Joe

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" 

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?" 

"No", replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."


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## Puff1




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## Diva Q

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,"Looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: FISHY STORY



An Ontario man was stopped by a game warden in Bayfield recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well ?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Ontario may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.


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## Bruce B

A young soldier arrived in Iraq and his Sergeant was showing him around the camp. After the tour when asked if he had any questions the young soldier asked, "Sarge, what do you guys do out here for relieving the stress of combat?" The Sergeant, knowing he was asking about sex, told the soldier, "We've taken possession of one of the native camel's and he's tied up outside the back of the mess tent.

Several nights later most of the camp is awakened by a terrible noise coming from the rear of the mess tent and the Sergeant runs back and finds the young soldier just putting it to this poor camel and he yells, "Soldier, what the Hell do you think you're doing?" 

The soldier, all embarrassed, replies, "Well Sarge, when I asked about, well, you know, you told me about the camel...so" The Sergeant says I know I did son, but why can't you be like the rest of the men and just ride him into town."


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## Bobberqer

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates
by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and
yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and
shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This
is why I allowed our government to provide for the common
defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and
snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason,
James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their
anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin
Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


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## Bobberqer

Little Johhny  was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about 
things.

"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming
up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Little Johnny thought for a second and asked.........

"So why do you have so much hair?"


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## Bobberqer

A man lost both ears in an accident. 

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. 

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. 

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put
you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his
hotel.

 The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,
"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." 

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." 

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
 :?


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## Griff

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." 

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" 

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. 

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" 

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" 

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Griff


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## Larry D.

One of my favorites, which can't be posted here, may be found in the Blue Room.


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## Bobberqer

John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his 
wife.

He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how 
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. 
What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
silence?"


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## Rich Decker

*Baby Skunk*

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife 
asks 
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side 
of the 
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she 
said to 
her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get 
it 
warm, and let it go in the morning?" 
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" 

"Just hold it's nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with 
died 
at the scene


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## Nick Prochilo

Larry  worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Larry said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Larry came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 

"What's wrong, Larry?" she asked. 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh, Larry, you didn't" she exclaimed. 

"Yes, I did." he replied. 

"My God, Larry, what happened?" 

"I got fired." 
"No, Larry.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh...she got fired too."


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## Diva Q

Subject: Tough Exam
>
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
> of his physical exam.
>
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
> back a semen sample tomorrow."
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened?  The man explained: "Well, doc, it's
> like this.  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried
> with my left hand, but still nothing.
>
> Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with
> her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
> in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  We even called up Arlene,
> the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
> armpit.  And she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
> nothing."
>
> The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor?"
>
> The old man replied, "Yep.  None of us could get the jar open."


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## ScottyDaQ

wboggs said:
			
		

> The Perfect Relationship
> 
> 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
> 
> 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
> 
> 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
> to you.
> 
> 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
> with you.
> 
> 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.



ROFL!!!  I like that one.


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## Nick Prochilo

A couple had been married for 50 years. 
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." 
"I know," the old man said.  "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." 
"Well," Granny snickered.  "Let's relive some old times." 
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." 
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. 
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


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## Bruce B

An older couple are at the airport waiting to go through security, they've been in line for almost an hour when the man behind them asks the older gent where you traveling to? The old man says we're going to Buffalo to see the wife's sister.

The older lady being a little hard of hearing says, "What did he say, what did he say?" and her husband says he wanted to know where we were going. The wife says, "Oh."

Then the man asks the older guy, how long they were going to be in Buffalo and he replies about a week, and once again his wife says, "What'd he say, what'd say?" Her husband starting to get a little upset, responds, he wanted to know how long we were going to be there, and the wife says, "Oh."

Again the man asks the older guy, "Where you all from?", and the older man says, "We're from Detroit." and the guy says, "Boy I had the worse piece of ass in my life in Detroit." The older lady grabs her husbands arm and says' "What'd he say, what'd he say?" The old man looks at her and yells, "He said he thinks he knows you."


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## Bobberqer

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN


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## Bobberqer

My My . How Times have Changed  

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2007 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and get s an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.


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## Bobberqer

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. 

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. 




Well, my job is done .....Your turn!


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## Diva Q




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## Nick Prochilo

Diva Q said:
			
		

>



Is that Dats?


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## wittdog

No wonder why he's always grumpy...


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## Smokey_Joe

[smilie=a_rolling.gif]  [smilie=a_makeitstop.gif]  [smilie=a_rolling.gif]


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## Bobberqer

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked 
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
yack it up with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him 
anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President 
of the United States. 

Act like one.

Abby


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## Diva Q

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. 

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic. 

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. 

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler!"


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## Gary in VA

Arlo T. was in trouble. He forgot Valentines day. 

His wife, Mandie Lou was really ticked off. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Arlo T. got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box right in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it - - - - and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Arlo has been missing since Friday.


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## Bobberqer

There's some funny stuff floating around here  lmao!!!     8)


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## Bobberqer

The Big One ~


It was a hot Sunday mornin' 
Middle of July 
The choir was a singin' 
'Bout the sweet by and by 

Everybody was a swayin' 
And sweatin' in the heat 
We all bowed our heads down 
As the preacher took his seat 

My sister and my brother
Stood next to my mother 
In the quiet at the close of the verse 
That's when daddy cut the big one 
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church 

My sister rolled her eyes back 
My brother bit his lip 
My cousin just behind us 
Whispered, "Hey, who let it rip?" 

I stuck my face in my shirtsleeve 
Stared down at my shoes 
Lord, you could hear a pin drop 
As we stood there in the pew 
Heads were turnin', eyes were burnin' 

Momma stuck her nose in her purse 
After daddy cut the big one 
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church 

He cut the big one 
It was a stinker 
Then he broke the silence 
With a snicker 
And us kids started laughin' 
'Til I thought we was all gonna burst 
After daddy cut the big one 
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church 

He said, "The devil made me do it" 
Momma said it was the liverwurst 
And that's why daddy cut the big one 
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church


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## Bobberqer

This is a test for us maturing kids! 




The answers are printed below, but don't cheat. 


READY????? Here we go! 


01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________ 


02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show. 


03. "Get your kicks, ___________________." 


04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been 


changed___________________." 


05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________." 


06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________." 


07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S," Nestle's makes the very best _______________." 


08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________. 


09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________ 


10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "_______________." 


11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____________. 


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in 


the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________. 


13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________. 


14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________. 


15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________ 


Scroll Down 




















! ANSWERS: 


01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 


02. The Ed Sullivan Show.


03. On Route 66. 


04. To protect the innocent. 


05. The Lion sleeps tonight. 


06. The limbo. 


07. Chocolate. 


08. Louis Armstrong. 


09. The Timex watch. 


10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless." 


11. Draft cards. (Bras were also burned.) 


12. Beetle or Bug. 


13. Buddy Holly. 


14. Sputnik. 


15. Hoola-hoop.


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## Bobberqer

A not so patient woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. 

Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. 

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme 
hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. 

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" 

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. ..."With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have , you'll be home in no time."


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## Bobberqer

Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix. 

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. 

All of Phoenix was full of pigeon droppings

The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. 

It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay
me five million dollars and ask one question." 

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. 

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.

The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright
blue Arizona sky. 

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall. 

The Mayor was very impressed. 

He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question!

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.




The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"


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## Nick Prochilo

The guys were all at deer camp.  They had to bunk two to a room.  No one  wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.  They decided it  wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted  to take turns. 

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the  next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  They said,  "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat  up and watched him all night." 

The next night it was a different guy's  turn.  In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!" He said, "Man, that  Daryl shakes the roof.  I watched him all night."

The third night was  Puff's turn.  The  next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.  "Good  morning," he said.  They couldn't believe it!  They said, "Man, what  happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Daryl  into bed and kissed him good night...  He sat up and watched me all night  long."


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## Smokey_Joe

PUFF  :?:  [smilie=a_holyshit.gif]  [smilie=a_disconcerted.gif]   :?:


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## Puff1

Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> The guys were all at deer camp.  They had to bunk two to a room.  No one  wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.  They decided it  wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted  to take turns.
> 
> The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the  next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  They said,  "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat  up and watched him all night."
> 
> The next night it was a different guy's  turn.  In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!" He said, "Man, that  Daryl shakes the roof.  I watched him all night."
> 
> The third night was  Puff's turn.  The  next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.  "Good  morning," he said.  They couldn't believe it!  They said, "Man, what  happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Daryl  into bed and kissed him good night...  He sat up and watched me all night  long."


 :roll:  Bastard


----------



## Bobberqer

Irish vs. French War 



Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his 
telephone rings. 

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down 
at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you 
that we are officially declaring war on ya!" 

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big 
is your army?" 

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, 
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" 

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 m en in my 
army waiting to move on my command." 

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back. 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is 
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" 

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. 

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor." 

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks 
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 
150,000 since we last spoke" 

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is 
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified 
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the 
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us a s well." 

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell 
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military 
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface- to-air missile sites. And 
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" 

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back." 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. 
Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." 

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change 
of heart?" 

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and 
finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French 
prisoners."


----------



## Larry D.

A young woman on a flight from Germany asked the Catholic Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Have a good day."


----------



## 007bond-jb

*rules for Baton Rouge*

1.  First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Batt'n Roodge.


2.  Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baton Rouge has its own version of traffic rules...  Hold on.....and pray.


3.  All directions start with, "Get on I-10"...which has no beginning and no end.

4.  The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."


5.  The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6.  If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear-ended.


7.  Hoo Shoo Too Road can only be pronounced by a native.

8.  Construction on I-12 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

9.  All unfamiliar sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Denham Springs!"

10. If you actually see someone with their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.


12. Lots of streets mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.

13. If asking directions downtown, you keep your window rolled up and write your questions on a piece of paper.


14. A trip across town will take a minimum of an hour.

15. Don't carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Plank Road.


16. The wrought iron on windows downtown isn't ornamental.

17. If you leave one car length for every 10 MPH speed between you and the car in front of you, somebody will cut in.

18. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,   "Keep honking. I'm reloading."


19. For directions sake, you must know the difference between the  "New" bridge & the "Old" bridge as also you should know the difference between the "New" mall and the "Old" mall.


And finally,



20. Anyone trying to get within 5 miles of the LSU campus on the day of an LSU Football game either does not live in Baton Rouge or has lost his mind


----------



## 007bond-jb

*Peace plan*

You gotta love Robin Williams..... 
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin 
Williams to come up with the perfect 
plan. What we need now is for our 
UN Ambassador to stand up and 
repeat this message. 

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to 
argue with this logic!) 

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace 
but I have not heard of a plan for 
peace. So, here's one plan." 

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again. 

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered u p and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available 
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 

6) The US will make a strong effort 
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given 
to the army. The people who need 
it most get very little, if anything. 

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? 

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer 
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' " 

If you agree with the above forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!


----------



## Captain Morgan

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/williams.asp


----------



## Kloset BBQR

Thanks for setting the record straight Cappy.  I think you may have opened a can of worms. Now everyone will be checking Snopes to verify your inventions!

You invented Snopes, didn't you?


----------



## Bobberqer

OLD MAN


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed
up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and grapefruit trees.  The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a
while.  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dippin in his pond. He made the women 
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out
of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed
the alligator."


Old men can still think fast.


----------



## Bobberqer

Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty 
year old squaw for two twenty year olds? 

A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw.


They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?"

The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"
 :roll:


----------



## Bobberqer

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME
WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;....FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?....
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. 

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.


AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL..........., WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.


HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!


----------



## Bobberqer

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going 
deaf. 

It wouldn't come when called, heel as he had been trained to do 
nor obey any other voice commands. 

So she took her dog to the vet.

The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his diminished hearing.

"He can't hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a 
depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but just get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' 
at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggie
brand."

So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of 
'Nair' and looked over the instructions. But there was nothing in there
pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his
advice.

"How do I apply this product?", she inquired. "Do I put it on right out
of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The man replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the 
bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with 
water."

She blushed, "I don't think you understand, it's for my schnauzer."

"Oh,yes" replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles. 

"In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water..... oh, and by the
way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."


----------



## Bobberqer

Rocker Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. 

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they 
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the 
French."


----------



## Gary in VA

WHAT SHE SEZ: WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS: 

"We need" I want 
"This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house 
"I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ... 
"I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color 
"I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items 
"Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook ? 
"Does this dress look OK ?" I need a new wardrobe 
"Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out ? 
"You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about ? 
"It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac 
"It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac 
"Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac 
"Are the kids asleep ?" Get away from me, you sex maniac 
"Won't you be late for work ?" Get away from me, you sex maniac 
"Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today 
"Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer ? 
"You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower 
"You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant 
"My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob 
"So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear 
"I'm not upset !" Of course I'm upset, you moron 
"I'm not emotional !" You'd be too, if you married an idiot 
"I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid 
"Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid 
"I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid 
"Nothing is wrong" Other than you're such an asshole 
"Hang the picture there" NO -- there ! Can't you listen ? 
"Hon, I hate to interrupt..." Turn off the damn TV 
"When you get a chance ..." Get up & do it rite now ! 
"When you get time ... " Get up & do it rite now ! 
"I just remembered ..." Get up & do it rite now ! 
"No hurry, but ..." Get up & do it rite now ! 
"Did you lock the front door ?" Get up & go check, now ! 
"I think I heard a noise" Get up & go check, now ! 
"Was that the baby ?" Check the baby & change/walk him 
"Just reminding you" I've asked you a dozen damn times 
"Do you love me ?" I want something expensive 
"How much do you love me ?" I did something terrible 
"Be ready in a minute" Find a game on TV 
"Is my butt fat ?" Tell me I'm beautiful 
"Do you like this lipstick ?" Tell me I'm beautiful 
"Should I get my hair cut ?" Tell me I'm beautiful 
"Yes" No 
"Maybe" No 
"Well... we'll see" No 
"Perhaps" No 
"If you think so" No 
"Let's think about it" No 
"Shouldn't we wait ?" No 
"Let's not rush things" No 
"No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!! 
"I'm sorry" You'll be sorry 
"Do you forgive me ?" You'll be sorry 
"Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry 
"Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry 
"Well, I had a headache" You'll be sorry 
"Do what you want" You'll pay for this later, big time 
"Do what you think best" You'll pay for this later, big time 
"You know more about it" You'll pay for this later, big time 
"As I recall, it was your idea" You'll pay for this later, big time 
"Yes, I've calmed down" You'll pay for this later, big time 
"I realize it was my fault sweetheart" You ain't seen nothing yet ! 
"It's your decision" The correct decision is obvious 
"Sure... go ahead" Don't you dare, you clown 
You like this recipe ? It's easy to fix 
"Do you want to eat out ?" I forgot to go grocery shopping 
"What do you want for dinner ?" I don't feel like cooking 
"You seen that new restaurant ?" I don't feel like cooking 
"It's your Mother's recipe" You'd better damn sight eat that 
"You liked that the last time" You'd better damn sight eat that 
"Don't want to talk yet" Go away, I'm building up steam 
"Just need some time to think" Go away, I'm building up steam 
"We need to talk" I need to complain 
"Learn to communicate" Just agree with me 
"I am not yelling !" This is important, you idiot ! 
"Are you listening to me ???" [Too late, you're dead] 
"Our anniversary's coming up" When I think of who I could've married 
"The kids were so bad today" Your gene pool needs more chlorine


----------



## SteerCrazy

anyone hear the joke about the bed????


----------



## Bobberqer

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. 

There was only one little thing bothering me. 

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. 

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! 

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and
said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car........


----------



## Bobberqer

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!


----------



## Diva Q

good study


----------



## Green Hornet

I come home from work and see my wife packing her suitcase. 
I asked her what she was doing.
She tells me she is going to New York City cuz she heard prostitues can earn $400 doing what she does for me for free.
I went over and started to pack my own suitcase.
She asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was going with her.
I want to see how she is going to live on $800 a year. :roll:


----------



## john a

That's cool


----------



## Bobberqer

THE  YEAR'S BEST  HEADLINES  OF 2006: 


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter  
      Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
      No, really?


Police  Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
       Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?  
      Whaaat?? 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
       What a guy! 


Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
       No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
       See if that works any better than a fair trial!  


War Dims Hope for Peace  
       I can see where it might have that effect! 


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
      You think?! 


Cold  Wave Linked  to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police  Suspect Homicide  
       They may be on to something! 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery  charge 

New  Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
       Weren't they fat enough?! 

Astronaut  Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
       That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

Kids  Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
      Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
       Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....  

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead   

      Did I read that right?


----------



## Nick Prochilo

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to  me -- this
very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all
on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."


----------



## Bobberqer

National Institute of Health ( NIH) Report

Brand new NIH studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.

Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea
are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky
hair.


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that 
can store and play music inside women's breasts. The iBoob is considered 
to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


----------



## 007bond-jb

Secret Ways to Annoy



Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 
Sing along at the opera. 
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 
Practice making fax and modem noises. 
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 
Yell random numbers while someone is counting. 
Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 
Staple papers in the middle of the page. 
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 
Honk and wave to strangers. 
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. 
type only in lowercase. 
dont use any punctuation either 
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 
"Do you hear that?" 
"What?" 
"Never mind, it's gone now." 
As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 
Ask people what gender they are. 
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


----------



## Unity

--John  8) 
(They're all funny, but the next-to-last one cracked me up.)


----------



## Nick Prochilo

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when  a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the  bullets
in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two  healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one  daughter walked into the room
in tears. "What's wrong?" asked  the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what  happened
16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in  tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" Again the  mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the  boy,
"I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


----------



## Captain Morgan

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette met for lunch.
The brunette said "I was going through my daughter's
purse the other day, and I found cigarettes....I had no I idea she
was smoking.

 The redhead said "that's nothing, last week I went through my daughter's
closet and found a liquor bottle....I had no idea she'd started drinking."


And the blonde said..."hey, last week I went through my daughters purse and found condoms....I had no idea she had a penis!.


  

We dearly love the women on this board, and if any are blonde, I apologize for Greg allowing such offenses.


----------



## Nick Prochilo

wboggs said:
			
		

> NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
> 
> 
> A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
> conversation.
> 
> The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
> attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
> 
> "Emma come first.
> Den I come.
> Den two asses come together.
> I come once-a-more! .
> Two asses, they come together again.
> I come again and pee twice.
> Then I come one lasta time."
> 
> The lady can't take this any more,
> 
> "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
> she retorted indignantly.
> 
> "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
> lives.
> 
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
> 
> "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
> 'Mississippi'."
> 
> $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!



You owe me $5!


----------



## Nick Prochilo

wboggs said:
			
		

> Nick Prochilo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> wboggs said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
> 
> 
> A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
> conversation.
> 
> The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
> attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
> 
> "Emma come first.
> Den I come.
> Den two asses come together.
> I come once-a-more! .
> Two asses, they come together again.
> I come again and pee twice.
> Then I come one lasta time."
> 
> The lady can't take this any more,
> 
> "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
> she retorted indignantly.
> 
> "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
> lives.
> 
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
> 
> "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
> 'Mississippi'."
> 
> $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You owe me $5!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I'd rather owe it to ya than cheat ya out of it.
Click to expand...


----------



## Smokey_Joe

*Priest and the hair dryer*

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.' 



The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'"


----------



## Nick Prochilo

*Re: Priest and the hair dryer*



			
				Larry D. said:
			
		

> A young woman on a flight from Germany asked the Catholic Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
> 
> "Of course. What may I do for you?"
> 
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
> 
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
> 
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
> 
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
> 
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
> 
> The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
> 
> "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
> 
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Have a good day."





			
				Smokey_Joe said:
			
		

> A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
> favor?"
> "Of course. What may I do for you?"
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
> through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
> anything to declare?"
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
> The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
> waist to the floor?"
> "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"



Man, these are almost exactly the same.


----------



## Larry D.

*Re: Priest and the hair dryer*



			
				Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> Man, these are almost exactly the same.



Except for the date of posting...  :|


----------



## Nick Prochilo

*Re: Priest and the hair dryer*



			
				Larry D. said:
			
		

> [quote="Nick Prochilo":370nijqz]
> Man, these are almost exactly the same.



Except for the date of posting...  :|[/quote:370nijqz]

And the country they left from!


----------



## Bobberqer

"The New Husband Store"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where 
a woman may go to choose a husband. 

At the entrance to the store, there is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 

2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may 
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down      except  to  exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help 
with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on 
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
 ************************************************************* 
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a 6 floor" New Wives Store" just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex. 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

To this day, the third through sixth floors have never been visited.


----------



## Smokey_Joe

Sorry my apologies, I cut and pasted the wrong one...I meant the joke having to do with BBQ.......edited


----------



## Bobberqer

Oh MY God!!!!!!!", sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not
surprised........ You've been giving me a piece of it every single day for twenty years!"


----------



## cflatt

wboggs said:
			
		

> Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,  South Carolina,  Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass. Get in the truck.



boggs, boggs, boggs......we are all past that now....times have changed...what you have there is known as Alabama foreplay "get in the truck b#$%h"


----------



## Bobberqer

wboggs said:
			
		

> HOW TO SAY " I LOVE YOU " IN 25 LANGUAGES
> 
> English . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
> 
> Spanish. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Te Amo
> 
> French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. . .. . . Je T'aim
> 
> German . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
> 
> Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Ai Shite Imasu
> 
> Italian . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . Ti Amo
> 
> Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Wo Ai Nin
> 
> Swedish. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
> 
> Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,  South Carolina,  Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass. Get in the truck.



   lol


----------



## Smokey_Joe

*Definition of Outdoor BBQ*

Definition of Outdoor BBQ....it's the only type of cooking a real man do. 

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. 


The woman goes to the store. 
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. 
The man places the meat on the grill. 
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." 
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


----------



## Bobberqer

Toilet seat up, or down???


            A long time ago, I read a short online piece about how women could get their men to put the toilet seat down.  Inherent in it was the idea that this was an example of men's lack of consideration and that the task at hand was one of disciplining these bad boys.  I don't know, my attitude is that if women can leave a toilet seat down, men can leave it up.

            Of course, this is just a silly, pebble-in-the-shoe issue, but I see it as a metaphor for a modern phenomenon: The casting of women's characteristic behaviors as the norm and men's as dysfunctional deviations.

            This is strikingly obvious with the topic of communication.  Man has long known that women were the more loquacious sex, and you've probably heard of studies to this effect.  A recent book states that women have about 20,000 "communication events" (I love these terms the psycho-babblers conjure up) a day, versus about 7,000 for men.  But this is nothing new; who didn't know a bevy of garrulous girls in school?

            What is new is the assumption that this imputes superiority to women. "Communication" has become one of the buzzwords of modern psychology.  And, whenever relationships are at issue--be it in a book, article, talk or interview--almost invariably an "expert" will inform us of two things.  One is that women communicate more than men.  The other is that an onus belongs on men as this "handicap" of theirs is an impediment to good relations.  Why, men need to learn to communicate more and share their feelings, we're told.

            Did anyone ever think that maybe women communicate too darn much?

            Don't get me wrong, rhetorical license aside, I understand the importance of communication.  What bothers me, though, is the knee-jerk assumption here that more is better, a conclusion that most of the same researchers take great pains to forestall when the issue is, oh, let's say, the greater size of the male brain.  But this is a principle of sex differences research: When men have more, more is less. When women have less, less is more.

            And that's it, more or less.

            What seems to escape most is that this modern exaltation of the lip lies in stark contrast to what wisdom has taught since time immemorial.  And the truth she imparts is obvious, which is why sayings encapsulating it abound: "Still waters run deep," "Empty kettles make the most noise," "Shallow brooks are noisy," and "There are two kinds of people who don't say much, those who are quiet and those who talk a lot."

            It's why movies have always portrayed the strong, silent type who exhibits quiet fortitude as the most heroic of men.  It's why good writers value verbosity no more than good surgeons do bloodletting.  Delicate operations warrant use of a fine scalpel, something small and sharp that punctures precisely--and cuts when necessary--not an implement bigger and blunter.  And this is true whether you wish to get at the heart of a man or the heart of a matter: a precise surgical approach is usually preferable.  Big, blunt things are better suited to bludgeoning.

            To be quite blunt myself, yes, I subscribe to the traditional idea that women are chatterboxes and it's not their best trait.  Don't get me wrong, we men have our faults as well.  For instance, I absolutely cannot stand my brothers' habit of channel-surfing, which I guess could be characterized as Chatting Finger Syndrome.  But here's the difference. Whether it's this masculine foible or another, no one does intellectual contortions to cast it as a positive attribute.  At best it's seen as cute quirkiness, at worst as a defect of manliness.

            Now, just imagine how it might be if incessant channel-surfing were a characteristic female behavior.  It would only be a matter of time before some sickologists conducted a study and portrayed it as yet another example of feminine superiority.  It would go something like this:

Channel-surfing is akin to speed-reading, not a function of a fault but indicative of a unique ability.  Because women have more neural connections between the two hemispheres of the brain, they can process information faster, allowing them to absorb the substance and assess the value of a given program in mere seconds. Thus, while a man may perceive just a brief snapshot of seemingly unintelligible imagery and sound, his wife has already assimilated the program's relevant information or ascertained it to be devoid of such.  "She is anxious to read the next page while he is still on the first paragraph of the last," said Dr. Delilah Emasculata of the Sex Differences Research and Proof That Women Are Better in Every Way So Just Shut-up and Take It Institute.

            The truth is that both men and women should understand their sex's characteristic frailties and, just as with any negative proclivity, seek to tame them.  Hey, I always ask directions and I'm great at matching colors.

            As for communication, I have some of the best advice you gals will ever hear.  If you have something important to say, don't embed it in an interminable stream-of-consciousness monologue between words 1129 and 1145 and expect the man in your life to absorb it.  It's not that he doesn't care.  He has his sanity to think about, you know.

            My mother used to teach us that "Speech is silver, silence is golden."  I wouldn't expect anyone to learn much while channel-surfing in fully automatic mode.  Tongue-surfing isn't much better.

            Loquacity doesn't denote sagacity.

            Oh, and the toilet seat?  I just don't want to talk about it.


----------



## Larry D.

Bobberqer said:
			
		

> Toilet seat up, or down???
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Did anyone ever think that maybe women communicate too darn much?



Oh yes.   My philosophy, which appears to be impossible to understand for those suffering from estrogen overload, is this: "Not every thought that enters your head has to exit your mouth."


----------



## Unity

> Loquacity doesn't denote sagacity.


The point of that rant could have been made with *a lot* fewer words. 

--John  8)


----------



## Nick Prochilo

wboggs said:
			
		

> Unity said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Loquacity doesn't denote sagacity.
> 
> 
> 
> The point of that rant could have been made with *a lot* fewer words.
> 
> --John  8)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I kept waiting for the punch line; after reading all that I was expecting a really good one too.
Click to expand...


Oh good, I didn't miss anything! I quit reading aftre three lines!


----------



## Smokey_Joe

I guess I must be insensitive...I stopped reading it once I read...seat up or down.... [smilie=a_huh.gif]


----------



## Smokey_Joe

Mr. Fu-Chin-Long goes to the eyes doctors for a check up because he hadn't been seeing too well lately.

After the exam, the Dr. calls him in his office to discuss the exam. The Dr. then begins to tell him that he has found the reason for his eye problems recently.

Mr. Fu-Chin-Long is now very interested and listens to the Dr. carefully explain his findings.

While explaining.... the eye Dr. tells him that the recent problems is that he has Cataracts....

Mr. Fu-Chin-Long instantly starts shaking his head no and tells the Dr. ....." Dats improssible Doc...you must bre mistraken....I drive a Rincoln!"


----------



## Bobberqer

Never Argue with a Woman 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and 
decides to take a nap. 

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. 

She motors out a short distance, and reads her book. 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" 

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?") 

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. 

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." 

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could 
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." 

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," 
says the woman. 

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden. 

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you 
could start at any moment." 

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. 

MORAL: 

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


----------



## Bobberqer

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says "I must tell you
something: We have a case of gonorrhea!"


A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel!"


----------



## Bobberqer

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. 

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face. 

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional
about getting glasses." 

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."


----------



## Bobberqer

Why is marriage is like a violin?


After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Piper McKay is sitting with his Pastor chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Pastor.
"No, Father," says McKay. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Pastor again.
"Well, no." says Piper McKay. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Pastor.
"No, Father. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the Pastor.
"Oh no, Father. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two of them were silent for a moment.
Then the Pastor sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?


----------



## Bobberqer

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walgreens
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. 

He is directed to it. 

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. 

He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks  in a low , soft , voice..., "Do you sell VIAGRA here?" 

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." 

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" 

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, 

"Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."


----------



## Bobberqer

SURGEONS 


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants  on 
my  operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside 
is numbered." 

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try 
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians 
are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like 
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a  few  parts left over." 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. 
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the 
head and the ass are interchangeable."


----------



## cflatt

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it must be you.


----------



## Smokey_Joe

Post # 8 





			
				Diva Q said:
			
		

> Subject: FISHY STORY
> 
> 
> 
> An Ontario man was stopped by a game warden in Bayfield recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
> 
> The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
> 
> "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
> 
> "Pet fish?"
> 
> "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
> 
> "That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
> 
> The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
> 
> "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
> 
> The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well ?"
> 
> "Well, what?" said the man.
> 
> "When are you going to call them back?"
> 
> "Call who back?"
> 
> "The FISH!"
> 
> "What fish?"
> 
> We in Ontario may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.



Ontario vs. Arkansas



			
				wboggs said:
			
		

> A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with
> two ice chests full of fish.   He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
> fishing.   The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
> catch  those fish?"
> 
> "Naw, sir", replied the redneck.  "I got none of them there licenses.
> You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
> 
> "Pet fish?"
> 
> "Yeah.   Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
> 'em swim 'round for awhile.   Then, when I whistle, they jump right
> back  into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
> 
> "That's a bunch of hooey!   Fish can't do that."
> 
> The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's
> the truth Mr. Government Man.   I'll show ya.   It really works."
> 
> "O. K.", said the warden.  "I've got to see this!"
> 
> The redneck poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.
> After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
> 
> "Well, what?", says the redneck.
> 
> The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
> 
> "Call who back?"
> 
> "The FISH", replied the warden!
> 
> "What fish?", replied the redneck.
> 
> 
> 
> Moral:    Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
> they ain't  as dumb as some government employees



to quote Nick Prochilo...."Man, these are almost exactly the same".


----------



## Smokey_Joe

wboggs said:
			
		

> No they're not one is in Bayfield  and one takes place in Arkansas; totally different.




 [smilie=a_doh.gif]  silly me

===========================

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your BBQ pit?










FRANK


----------



## Diva Q

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Smokey_Joe

Diva Q said:
			
		

> One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
> 
> Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
> 
> With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
> 
> Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
> 
> He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
> 
> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
> 
> Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
> 
> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
> 
> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
> 
> At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
> 
> I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Diva... you must have been devastated!....  LOL  Were they all  your relatives or just close friends?


----------



## Diva Q




----------



## Bobberqer

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to
three people. 

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on
his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their 
answers. 

The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer." 

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"

...HE GOT THE JOB


----------



## smokemaster

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed. What do you do? 







* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *


----------



## smokemaster

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.  These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.  Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Ex-husband

PS 
Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia Together!  Have a great life!

---------------------------------

Dear Ex-husband: 
Not hing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago!  I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

PS
I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.


----------



## wittdog

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't 
prepared for the answer. 



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first 
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her 
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you 
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big 
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you 
manipulate people and talk aboutthem behind their backs. You think 
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will 
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. 
Yes, I know you." 



The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across 
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She 
again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley sin ce he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He 
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is 
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his 
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. 
Yes, I know him." 



The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to 
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you 
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


----------



## Bobberqer

There was a Kentucky Redneck and a Ohio Buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"

"Alright, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and
you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled
back.

The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!
When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"


----------



## Gary in VA

Dear Abby, 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs......... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." 

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. 

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my offset cooker so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my cooker, that I noticed that the temperature inside the cooking chamber was 40-50 degrees cooler opposite the firebox. Is this something I can fix myself using tuning plates and how thick should the tuning plates be?


----------



## Bobberqer

That's pretty funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Little Johnny went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between ?potentially? and ?realistically?.  Can you help me?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." 

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!  We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University." 

Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" 

Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" 

Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

Little Johnny replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars............. 
But Realistically,.........we're living with two sluts and a queer."


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin." 
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"


----------



## Griff

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!",  gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted


----------



## john a

Good one


----------



## Diva Q

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........



What's the difference between a PMSer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorist



GUIDE TO SURVIVING PMS:

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"
SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"
SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?"
SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown."
SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"
SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"
SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"
SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"

DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?"
SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today."
SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."


This older couple was sitting around their apartment; she was clipping coupons while he was reading the bible.

The old man said to his wife, "You know honey, everything you ever wanted to know about life is in here."

She returned, "Well, maybe not EVERYTHING, dear."

He replied back, "Sure, just name one thing I can't find in here."

She said, "PMS-you won't find anything about it in there."

He began flipping through the pages, going from one chapter to another, pausing for a few seconds only before going on to the next page. After about 10 minutes, he looked up at his wife and said, "Aha! Here it is, I told you everything was in here."

Then he proceeded to begin reading the script "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass..."


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Afternoon "Quickie" 
 The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 
 8- year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony 
 with  a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
 He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
 operation: 
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
 shouted. 
"An ambulance just drove by!"

 "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

 "Matt's riding a new bike!"

 "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" 

 "Jason is on his skate board...."

 After a few moments he announced, " The Coopers are having sex!!"

 Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called
 out, "How do you know they are having sex?" 

 "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."


----------



## Bobberqer

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


----------



## john a

The #2 pencil... 

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one. 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. 

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" 

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. 
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. 

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" 

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once a gain, John ny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,” Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. 

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 

Again, John ny came to the rescue. 
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" 

The nun fainted


----------



## Rag1

*Breakfast*

She's in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, when he walks in.

She turns and says, "You have to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "Holy Smokes - this is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all,

On the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."


----------



## squint

*my favorite*

A man with a black eye walks into a bar.  He notices another man with a black eye sitting at the other end & takes the empty seat next to him.
"Hey -- I notice you've got a black eye as well.  Let me buy you a beer & we'll swap stories".  He sits down, buys a round & starts "I was in a travel agent's office. She was a gorgeous, very well endowed blonde.  What I meant to say is 'Give me 2 tickets to Pittsburgh', what came out was 'Give me 2 pickets to titsburgh. She slugged me."
The other man takes a drink & says "Man, that's almost exactly what happened to me.  I was sitting across the breakfast table from my wife.  What I meant to say was 'Honey, would you please pass the sugar'. What came out was 'You b*#^, you ruined my life............


----------



## Bobberqer

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. 



The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. 



The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- 

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. 

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. 

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. 

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK. 



Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. 

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits... 
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles 
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. 

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. 



When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" 

She smiles widely at him and says............ 

"Blow Job Revenge"


----------



## Bobberqer

*the tax system you support*

Here is the tax system you support; at work.
I don't care what politics you subscribe to, this is an important story. 
It's a great way to understand tax economics.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you
are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of
your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten men now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each
end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that
it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount,
and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men
began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20, "declared the sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the
fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat
down and had beer without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is
how our tax system works. 

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. 

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. 

In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 :?


----------



## Puff1

I've been drinking too much to understand that one BB. :?


----------



## Uncle Bubba

Obama wants to punish the tenth guy and take his money and give it to the first 5 for doing nothing but being lazy freeloaders.  Wake up people!!

Puff go have another beer. :roll:


----------



## jminion1

Bobberqer
Your numbers are way out it's more like we have 100 men 
the hundreth guy earns 50% of the income each year and controls 
90% of the total money in cirulation.

In the last 5 years year number 100's income has increased 300% while
number 90 through 1 has increased 3%.

While enjoying this good fortune he decides I really like this and since I'm this postition I'm going to spread the wealth. What I'll do is insure that congress keeps things going the way I want by buying legislation that benefits me and give these honorable men and women in congress nice paying jobs when they decide to leave congress. Hell I will pay them to go back congress to buy votes to keep this trend going. 

We all know that Trickle Down Economy is the only way to go, look at how good it is working right now. Great economy, no inflation, everyone knows we never have to pay back any of this money that we just gave to the bankers. Oh by the way you all in the part of the country that's building autos don't worry the big three are getting in line for their bailout.
Nothing but good times ahead.


----------



## Puff1

Uncle Bubba said:
			
		

> Obama wants to punish the tenth guy and take his money and give it to the first 5 for doing nothing but being lazy freeloaders.  Wake up people!!
> 
> Puff go have another beer. :roll:


Obama who?? :?


----------



## Diva Q

Staying in line with the real theme of this thread here is my daughters favorite joke of all time:



What did the zero say to the eight?


























Nice belt


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. . . What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks .

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain ... alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss


----------



## Bobberqer

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

                     1st  woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
                     2nd  woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

                     1st  woman: I froze to death.
                     2nd  woman: How horrible!

                     1st  woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

                     2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

                     1st  woman: So, what happened?

                     2nd  woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

                     I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the
beds.

                     I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

                     1st  woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive. 

                     PRICELESS!


----------



## bknox

*BEAR ADVISORY!*

Bear Advisory:

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillion, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. 

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. 

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black and grizzly bear droppings: Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


----------



## bknox

*Scam Warning*

Scam Warning:

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


----------



## Diva Q

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping 
> >> channels. 
> >> She asked, 'What's on TV?' 
> >> I said, 'Dust.' 
> >> 
> >> And then the arguing started.................. 
> >> 
> >> I took my wife to a restaurant. 
> >> The waiter, for some reason, took my order 
> >> first."I'll have the strip steak, 
> >> medium rare, please." 
> >> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad 
> >> cow?" 
> >> "Nah, she can order for herself." 
> >> 
> >> And then the arguing started..................... 
> >> 
> >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light 
> >> for $14.95. 
> >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. 
> >> I told her the beer would make her look better at night 
> >> than the cold cream 
> >> 
> >> And then the arguing started..................... 
> >> 
> >> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. 
> >> I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday 
> >> 
> >> And then the arguing started.................... 
> >> 
> >> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our 
> >> anniversary? " 
> >> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet 
> >> appreciation. 
> >> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" 
> >> she said. 
> >> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" 
> >> 
> >> And then the arguing started................... 
> >> 
> >> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire 
> >> while we were in 
> >> bed. 
> >> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have 
> >> sex?" 
> >> "No," she answered. 
> >> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" 
> >> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 
> >> "Yes." 
> >> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
> >> 
> >> And that's when the arguing started.............. 
> >>


----------



## Bobberqer

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.  

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't te ll me."  

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

The boy sobbed uncontrolably....

"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. 

At seven, I got  the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


----------



## Bobberqer

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better".

"I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor  considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went  'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The  86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else  pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


----------



## Bobberqer

A couple who have been married for 20 years were lying in bed one night, when the wife suddenly felt her husband begin to touch her in ways
he hadn't in quite some time. 



It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.



He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, then he slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.


He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently down her leg to her calf.


Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.



He continued in the same manner on her right side and then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


He said, 'I found the remote.


----------



## Bobberqer

A SHORT LOVE STORY

 man and a  woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,  found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. 

Though initially embarrassed, and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the women, saying 

'Ma'am, I'm  sorry to  bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a  second blanket?   I'm awfully cold.' 

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that 
we're married.' 


'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own @#$%^blanket.' 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted. 

The  End


----------



## Bobberqer

A guy checked into his motel, and said to the lady at teh front desk

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." 

 "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."


----------



## bknox

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whats with the long face"


----------



## Bobberqer

*The Dot*

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME.... 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.  

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story. 



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.  

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . 

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones at Dell giving technical advice.


----------



## Bobberqer

*Nag Nag Nag!!!*

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. 



His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.



  Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey, then headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. 



The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. That Wright would not be hanged tonight.



 Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



 To which he whirled around and screamed, 



"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"


----------



## Gary in VA

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely chit my pants."


----------



## Bruce B

Denny's has added a new breakfast item to their menu...it's called the Octo-Omelette; 8 eggs, no sausage and the guy in the next booth pays for it.


----------



## mar52

When you're having that Octo Omelet order A Sully to was it down....

Two shots of Grey Goose with a splash of water.


----------



## ScottyDaQ

So a baby seal walks into a club ..........


----------



## Griff

Preaching to a Bear

        A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. 

        One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

        Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 

        'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

        Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,  'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

        They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full  body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...'


----------



## Diva Q

lol


----------



## Nick Prochilo

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow
me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have
a plan.  Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more
drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't
think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees
are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't
even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'


----------



## Pigs On The Wing BBQ

*Old Carson*

http://cgi.fark.com/cgi/fark/vidplayer. ... nk=4051568 
I think it's great! 

Pigs


----------



## Bobberqer

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting one day discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"

The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"

The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, Tis true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."


----------



## dollarbill

My buddy from winchester tennesee w/ a thick accent told me :

Friend: You know what a rednecks famouse last words are?

DB: No

Friend: "HEY YA'LL WATCH THIS" 


I bout pissed myself......some of you probably know this one already.


----------



## Bobberqer

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.. 

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp...

 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.? 

'That tiny little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand..'

 That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'? 

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'? 

That I did,' said Paddy.... 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'


----------



## Bobberqer

Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. 

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls  out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' 


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' 


The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


----------



## Gary in VA

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to
try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


----------



## Rag1

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way
before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."


----------



## Bobberqer

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.. 



From morning till night she was always complaining about something. 



The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. 



He tried to plow a lot.



One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. 



He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. 



Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. 


Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. 



All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. 


Killed her dead on the spot. 


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.. 



When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. 



This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. 



So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. 


The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 


'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 


'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'


----------



## Bobberqer

Golfing Hit Man 

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." 

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." 

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" 

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. 

"You're joking!" was the response. 

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 

"Here are my tools." 

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." 

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." 

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.... He's naked, too!!!" 

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" 

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." 

"Can you do two for me now?" 

"Sure, what do you want?" 

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth..." 

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. 

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."


----------



## Bobberqer

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. 

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' 

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I
want an increase. 

The first is that I iron better than you.' 

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' 

Maria: 'Your husband said so.' 

Wife: 'Oh.' 

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook
than you.' 

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than
me?' 

Maria: 'Your husband did.' 

Wife: 'Oh.' 

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
than you.' 

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
well?' 

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.' 

SHE GOT THE RAISE.


----------



## Bobberqer

OLD IS WHEN:

 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.  

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don'thave to go a long.  

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.  

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.  

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!


----------



## 007bond-jb

Computer trouble!


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next

door whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control, and asked him to come over. 

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." 

John grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 



I used to like the little shit.


----------



## Griff

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born  without ears. 
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was  invited over to see the baby. 
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. 
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's  missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his 
life when they came back home. 
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. 
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' 
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. 
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a  cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?' 
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have  20/20 vision.' 
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be screwed if he needed  glasses'.


----------



## john pen

THE WEDDING TEST

 I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
 little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful  younger sister.
  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very  tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
 be deliberate because she never did it when she was
  near anyone else.  One day her "little" sister called and asked me to 
 come over to check the wedding invitations. She was  alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
 before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
  up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned  and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
 To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
  said, "We are very happy that you have passed our  little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
 Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## Unity

*percussionist*

http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094

--John


----------



## john pen

*Re: percussionist*



			
				Unity said:
			
		

> http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094
> 
> --John



Thats hilarious !


----------



## Captain Morgan

*Re: percussionist*



			
				Unity said:
			
		

> http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094
> 
> --John



I really did laugh out loud.


----------



## bknox

*What happened to you?*

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.  I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! 

I don't remember much after that."


----------



## Griff




----------



## Captain Morgan

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic 
Gold medal .

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and 
said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's 
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're 
finished'

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other 
several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and 
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the 
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go 
flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, 
making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out 
of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that 
ho ld but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles 
right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of 
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I 
could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own 
nuts!


----------



## Unity

--John
(I nearly choked.)


----------



## NewHeart

*Are Women Born This Way?*

Are women born this way?

<iframe src="http://www.snotr.com/embed/2630" width="400" height="330" frameborder="0"></iframe>


----------



## bknox

DO NOT BUY THAT GIRL A PHONE!


   Really Funny


----------



## Rag1

The half-wit 

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan. The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. 

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the agent.' 

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. 
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. 
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally...' 

Looking quite shocked and very stern, the government man said, 'That's the guy I want to talk to .... the half-wit!' 

'Oh, well, that would be me,' replied the farmer.


----------



## Bobberqer

*lol*

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.  

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man
in the world."


"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"


They continue walking when they see a sign: 

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" 

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.




"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.


----------



## bknox

I have not even had coffee yet.     and I am laughing.

Thanks for that one.


----------



## bknox

man walks into the local watering hole and takes a seat at the bar. He notices another gentleman at the end of the bar with a tiny piano player. This miniature piano player is wearing a tux and playing the most beautiful compositions the man has ever heard.

He walks down and approaches the man with the tiny piano player. "That is extraordinary. I have never seen a piano player barely taller than a pint of beer. Where did he come from?"

The man with the tiny piano player begins to explain of his travels all over the world and how he had found a Genies Lamp. He told the man he had rubbed the lamp and made a wish to get the tiny piano player. Then asked if the man would like to make a wish himself.

Sure said the man and he picked of the lamp and rubbed the lamp. All of a sudden ducks began to fall from the ceiling. Ducks continue to fall until the bar is filled and everyone is standing outside. The man complains that he did not ask for ducks, he asks for a million bucks. 

The man with the tiny piano player said. " Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist."


----------



## Rag1

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the Food Court .  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange and blue. 

My Dad kept staring at him. 

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. 

And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.'


----------



## Griff




----------



## bknox

Horse walk into a bar.

Bartender says "What's with the long face"


----------



## bknox

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got 
 their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look 
 towards sky, what you see? ' 

 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 
 'Whats that tell you?' asked Tonto. 

 The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically  
 speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially 
 billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. 
 Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the 
 morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and  
 insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day 
 tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 



 'You dumber than buffalo turd. It means someone stole the tent.


----------



## bigwheel

Blonde lady does her routine Monday morning chore of dropping her clothes off at her usual Chinese Laundry. She puts the clothes on the counter and starts heading toward the door to leave.  

The Chinese lady says politely. "Come again."

The Blonde spins aroun and shouts at the Chinese lady, "Hell no it's toothpaste stains, if it's any of your business, you nosey bitch."


----------



## Griff

Seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "What'll you have?" the seal replies "Anything but Canadian Club."


----------



## Guest

I agree with Captain Morgan










nfl jerseys air Jordan rolex replica watches Nfl jersey tiffany


----------



## Smokey_Joe

*Bush and Osama decided to  settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!! *


----------



## bknox




----------



## Larry D.

bknox said:
			
		

> man walks into the local watering hole and takes a seat at the bar. He notices another gentleman at the end of the bar with a tiny piano player. This miniature piano player is wearing a tux and playing the most beautiful compositions the man has ever heard.
> 
> He walks down and approaches the man with the tiny piano player. "That is extraordinary. I have never seen a piano player barely taller than a pint of beer. Where did he come from?"
> 
> The man with the tiny piano player begins to explain of his travels all over the world and how he had found a Genies Lamp. He told the man he had rubbed the lamp and made a wish to get the tiny piano player. Then asked if the man would like to make a wish himself.
> 
> Sure said the man and he picked of the lamp and rubbed the lamp. All of a sudden ducks began to fall from the ceiling. Ducks continue to fall until the bar is filled and everyone is standing outside. The man complains that he did not ask for ducks, he asks for a million bucks.
> 
> The man with the tiny piano player said. " Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist."



A similar one: guy walks into a bar, takes a seat.  He notices that the man on the next stool has what looks like a tiny leprechaun sitting on his shoulder. When the man orders a beer, the leprechaun kicks it out of his hand, causing him to spill it.  When he tries to make conversation with someone, the leprechaun yells and curses.  So the first guy asks "What's the story with him?"  And he's told that the man had found a genie's lamp, and rubbed it - the genie appeared, and offered to grant him any wish.  "So I asked for a ten-inch prick, and here he is."


----------



## Justaguy

bknox said:
			
		

> Horse walk into a bar.
> 
> Bartender says "What's with the long face"


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----------



## bknox

Baby Harp Seal walks into a bar and orders a Canadian Club.


----------



## Captain Morgan

My girl got a tattoo of a seashell on her thigh.

Its way hot.

















When you put yer ear to it, you can smell the ocean.


----------



## john a

Union Rules & Hookers 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't..' 

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.  'We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 

'That's more like it!' the union man said. 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde . 


'I'd like her,' he said. 

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next..'


----------



## Tony M

Union Rules & Hookers:


----------



## bknox

*KNock Knock*

This ones hard to write and a bit of a kid joke. But if you have kids be careful or you may have this told back to you a couple hundred times.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Interrupting Cow

Interrupting Cow....MOOOOOOOOO

Your welcome,
Bryan


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Bryan, don't quit your day job!


----------



## Rag1

*The beach*

A man was  sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep  it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."  

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."


----------



## Nick Prochilo

A JEWISH WIDOW



A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft.. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book...

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life.

After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"


The man replied............. "How did you know my name was Katz?"


----------



## bknox

NICE!


----------



## Tony M

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.


----------



## bknox

*Allow me to introduce you to my personal physician.*

Allow me to introduce you to my personal physician.


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular  exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Your  heart is only  good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on  exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your  heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend   the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live  longer?  Take a  nap.  

Q: Should  I cut   down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables? 
A:  You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow  eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.   So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism  of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?    Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field  grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give  you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable   products. 

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?   
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from   fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they  take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of  the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.   Bottoms   up! 

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat    ratio? 
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have   fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies,  your  ratio is two to  one, etc. 

Q: What  are some  of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise   program? 
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My   philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!
Q:  Aren't  fried   foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU'RE  NOT   LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in   vegetable oil..  In fact,  they're permeated in it.   How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?   

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from  getting a little soft  around  the middle? 
A: Definitely   not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You   should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger    stomach.  

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans !  Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!  

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?  
A:   If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain  whales to  me. 

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important  for my   lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a  shape!  

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any  misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.  

And  remember: 
'Life should  NOT  be a journey  to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an  attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in  sideways - Bourbon in one hand - rack of smoked ribs in  the other - body thoroughly used up,   totally worn out and   screaming "WOO  HOO, What a   Ride!"


----------



## bknox

*I called Lifeline.*

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt..... I called Lifeline. 

Got a call center in Pakistan.  



I told them I was suicidal. 

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....


----------



## Rag1

Captain Morgan said:
			
		

> My girl got a tattoo of a seashell on her thigh.
> 
> Its way hot.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> When you put yer ear to it, you can smell the ocean.




I like that one.


----------



## Griff

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


"ASK MIKE"

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get
my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter
is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne

Dear Anne:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike


----------



## Rag1

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ won't it f'ing start?"


----------



## Griff

AND That's How the Fight Started!



My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered. 
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes, that's my final answer." 
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 


And that's how the fight started.....


----------



## bknox

That is hysterical. Thanks for that.


----------



## Bobberqer

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock
will move."

 "Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that
 one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

 "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . . 

He's using it as a ceiling fan."


----------



## Bobberqer

An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.



He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' 



Boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.' 



Old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?' 



Boy says, 'Gonna catch some chickens..' 



Old man yells, 'You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!' 



Boy just laughs and keeps walking. 



That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.



Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.



Old man yells out 'Hey boy!, whatcha got there?' 



Boy yells back 'Roll of duct tape.' 



Old man says 'What you gonna do with that?' 



Boy says back 'Gonna catch me some ducks'. 



Old man yells back, 'You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!' 



Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.



Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.



The Old man says 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' 



Boy says 'It's a pussy willow.' 



Old man says 'Wait up, I'll get my hat!'


----------



## Griff




----------



## Griff

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' 

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' 


Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..' 


Griff said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


----------



## Griff

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems  



One day Russ didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.   



A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park  and there sat Russ!   Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"



Russ replied, "I have been in jail." 



"Jail?" cried Sam.  "What in the world for?"  



"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"  



"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her.  What about her?"



"Well, one day she filed  rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."



"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."


----------



## Bobberqer

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I got a little hungry  after a while, so I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. 

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. 

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' 

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. 

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, I didn't really care. 

I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.' 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.


----------



## Bobberqer

*from the colonoscopy clinic*

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite  humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc.  You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 4. 'Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?'

 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 8. 'Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'


----------



## Griff

*Re: from the colonoscopy clinic*



			
				Bobberqer said:
			
		

> 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
> there?'


----------



## Nick Prochilo

*Re: from the colonoscopy clinic*



			
				Bobberqer said:
			
		

> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite  humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
> 
> 
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc.  You're boldly going where no man has gone
> 
> before!'
> 
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
> 
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
> 
> 4. 'Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?'
> 
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
> 
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
> 
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
> 
> 8. 'Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
> 
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
> 
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
> 
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> 
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
> 
> 
> And the best one of all.
> 
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
> there?'



You forgot

14. Shouldn'd we be sharing a bottle of wine?


----------



## Captain Morgan

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.  On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pull it off, revealing the robber's face.  The robber shoots the guy without hesitation.  He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.   



One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber shoots him, too.  Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor.   



"Did anyone else see my face?", calls the robber.  There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat and says, "I think me wife over there might have caught a glimpse...."


----------



## DJ

A  mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the
largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'


----------



## DJ

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


----------



## NewHeart

*You just can't fix stupid!*


----------



## Pigs On The Wing BBQ

NewHeart said:
			
		

> *You just can't fix stupid!*


Love it! I'm dumb, but not stupid. Sad part is that I'm sure no adult beverages were involved. What a idiot.   

Pigs


----------



## john pen

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment.  This is a very exciting new program.  I will explain it using the
Q and A format: 

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. 
Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers. 
Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen. 
Q..  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
      set, thus stimulating the economy. 
Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A.  Shut up. 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:             
    *      If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China . 
    *      If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. 
    *      If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.  
    *      If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala. 
    *      If you buy a car, it will go to Japan. 
    *      If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. 
    *      If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead, keep the money in America by: 
1      spending it at yard sales, or      
2      going to ball games, or     
3      spending it on prostitutes, or      
4      beer or      
5      tattoos.. 
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)  

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a
yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!


----------



## Smokey_Joe

*CHANGE



    As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

    So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic. *


----------



## Bobberqer

A woman from land of fruits nuts and flakes, Los Angeles, CA  who was a tree hugger, a democrat,  and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.  

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. 

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that  attacked her.  

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.  

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.  

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?!!!!!!"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

" I'm sorry, but they turned me down".


----------



## Bobberqer

*Obama's health plan*

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doingthat?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture. The new Obama care only allows for this type of treatment"

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying inbed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health plan plan."


----------



## DJ

THE HORTH WHITHPERER 

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. 

 His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 

 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' 

 So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 
  'A female horth.' 

 So he shows him a prized filly. 

 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? 

 So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 

 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? 

 So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 

 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? 

 The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****'? 

 Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 
 'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. 
 Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?


----------



## bknox

*Golf Accident*

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments  And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken


----------



## NewHeart

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.  They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here.  Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.  As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no 
hesitation,  jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks 
up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole 
here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a 
transmission!"


----------



## Smokey_Joe

NewHeart said:
			
		

> Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.  They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
> 
> The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
> 
> The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
> 
> The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here.  Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
> 
> So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
> 
> They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.  As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
> hesitation,  jumps in head first!
> 
> While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks
> up.
> 
> "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
> 
> The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
> here!"
> 
> The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
> transmission!"



*Thanks for the laugh.... THAT was a funny assed joke!  *


----------



## Captain Morgan

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
 of  an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
 then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his
 reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
 her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might
 have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more
 minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a
 tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to
 restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but
 notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then
 shuddered violently. Are you ok?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she
 replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an
 orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was very curious, 'I happen
 to be a doctor and I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
 'Are you taking anything for it?'She
 replied..........................."BLACK PEPPER"


----------



## john pen

> Traffic Camera
>
> I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.  I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. 
> Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. 
> Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed
> I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. 
> Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
>


----------



## Nick Prochilo

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.  The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special .'?

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 

'There's no money in that account.' 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


----------



## Nick Prochilo

For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.



Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.



Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.  Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.


----------



## Gary in VA

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I
had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you
already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't
see her because every time you come in the front door, she
scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed,
"You mean just like my other daddy!"


----------



## Tri Tip

Mommy, why are your hands so soft?

Because I'm 15.


----------



## Rag1

SMART ASS

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.  

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,

put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later,  a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,  

looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes.

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,  

"You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, they've been around!


----------



## Nick Prochilo

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  Then the teacher realized only little Johnny was left.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am.  My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Muslim terrorists.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last terrorist with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher.  "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking."


----------



## Griff

I've heard a different version that involved an eight year old boy and his father. The morale was "you don't f**k with the old man when he's been drinkin'."


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Now, this is one that should be posted in every restroom!


In the washroom in the airport 
 I saw this handwritten sign   
posted over one of those   
hot air hand dryers: 

"Please push button and listen 
for a short message 
 from the President!"


----------



## Uncle Al

An elderly man goes to the doctor and asks him for 4 Viagra tablets cut into 4 pieces.

The doctor then explains that that won't be enough to give him a full erection.

The man replies "I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee into my slippers!"


----------



## Bobberqer

A crusty  old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads  into the grill room.

As he  passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar  :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER:  $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH :  $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking  his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female  bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old  golfer. 

"Yes?" she  inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help  you?"

The  old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She  looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."

The  old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a  cheeseburger."


----------



## Bobberqer

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. 



As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.


The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. 



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. 



Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' 



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'            

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 



'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming............................That was me


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Just found a new keyboard for my computer!

[attachment=0:2i9durvq]Man keyboard.jpg[/attachment:2i9durvq]


----------



## Bruce B

Guy gets home from work and makes himself a cocktail to unwind after a hard day. 

His wife comes into the room and says, "Dear I really don't like you when you drink." The guy without missing a beat says, "That's alright, I don't like you when I'm sober."


----------



## Justaguy

Bruce B said:
			
		

> Guy gets home from work and makes himself a cocktail to unwind after a hard day.
> 
> His wife comes into the room and says, "Dear I really don't like you when you drink." The guy without missing a beat says, "That's alright, I don't like you when I'm sober."



That's in my head now, and it's gonna cause me a lot of trouble one day.


----------



## Nick Prochilo

So I'm at the gym this morning working out. I'm feeling uncomfortable with gas pains. So there I am struggling with the pain and I realize the music is real loud so maybe, just maybe I can sneak a few out going with the beat of the music. So little by little I'm letting them rip, keeping with the beat to the music. After about 15 minutes I'm feeling much better. I look around and notice EVERYBODY is looking at me. That's when I realized I was listening to my Ipod!


----------



## Captain Morgan

Why don't lawyers use Viagra?


It only makes them taller.


(sorry Griff   )


----------



## ScottyDaQ

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the office. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s fordinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”


----------



## Nick Prochilo

A guy walks into a bar after losing a case in court and yells "All lawyers are assholes". Larry, sitting in the back of the bar yells out "I'm offended with that remark". The other guy yells back "Are you a lawyer?" No Larry says, I'm an asshole!   

I'm sorry too Griff


----------



## bbquzz

Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> A guy walks into a bar after losing a case in court and yells "All lawyers are assholes". Larry, sitting in the back of the bar yells out "I'm offended with that remark". The other guy yells back "Are you a lawyer?" No Larry says, I'm an asshole!
> 
> I'm sorry too Griff


----------



## Captain Morgan

An American was traveling abroad through Scotland when he came across a picturesque Scottish village, complete with a stone bridge over a shallow stream. As he passed several quaint old barns and farmhouses, he made his way to the center of town, where he located an inn.

As it was getting late, he decided to stop for the night. He came into the bar and observed the polished wooden bar, the spacious common room with finely carved furniture, but scarcely any patrons save one. There was a great, hulking scottsman brooding into a mug at the far end of the bar.  He sat at the other side of the bar, and ordered a pint.

He made the mistake of making eye contact with the Scot, who lunged to his feet and staggered to the stool next to the American.

"D'ya see that bridge out there?!" He demanded "I built that bridge! I laid it stone by stone, set the mortar, raised the braces and gave this town a bridge like they'd never seen! But do they call me Angus the Bridge Builder?! NAAAAAY! They dunnah!" 

"D'ya see that BARN at there?" He demanded, gesturing at the farmhouses the American had passed on the way into town. "I raised that Barn myself! I cut the timber, I raised the frame, I shingled the roof!!! Do they call me Angus the Barn Raise? NAAAAAAAY! They dunnah!"

"D'ya see this INN!?" He began to slam his fist violently on the bar. "I built this Inn! I laid the foundation and cut the timber, I crafted the bar and sanded and shined it til it was perfect, I built every **** piece of furniture in this bloody place, but do they call me Angus the Inn Maker? NAAAAAAAY, they dunnah!

But you **** one sheep, just ONE bloody sheep...!!!"


----------



## Captain Morgan

you guys are sleeping on the job....let's hear some new ones


----------



## bbquzz

Wonder how many times he gets stopped by the police?

 It's only a fuel tank .....



It's all I got for now Cappy


----------



## bigwheel

Hmmm...seems like I know a feller who bumped into a few like that over the years. Good one. I would not tell it to any ladies


----------



## NewHeart

Voted the best Australian joke:

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. 
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' 
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' 
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!


----------



## Bob In Fla.

This about sums it up.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to
find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the
stable.

(maybe this shouldn't have been posted in the JOKES thread?) :roll:  :?


----------



## Nick Prochilo

What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth!


----------



## Captain Morgan

The phone rang in the hospital's emergency rang, and a nurse
answered....a man with a rush excited voice said "I'm out in the
wood hunting and I shot my friend!  I think I may have killed him
and I don't know what to do!!"

"Calm down" said the nurse..."first let's make sure he's dead."

"Ok" said the hunter and the nurse could hear him put the phone down.

The she heard a loud shot, and the hunter came back to the phone and said..

"ok.  Now what?"


----------



## bbquzz

Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth!



Not pretty much ... IT IS THE TRUTH!


----------



## Bob In Fla.

bbquzz said:
			
		

> Nick Prochilo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not pretty much ... IT IS THE TRUTH!
Click to expand...

  
That's why I wondered if I'd posted it in the right place. :?  :roll:   

BOB


----------



## Bob In Fla.

*Traffic Jam*

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. 

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 
... 
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.

_I stole this one off of a FaceBook post._


----------



## Tri Tip

Did you hear about the fight at the candy store?

Two suckers got licked!


----------



## Tri Tip

Someone once asked if I eat meat. I replied rarely....


----------



## Tri Tip

What’s the difference between a Wal-Mart and a Hoover?
The dirt bags!


----------



## Greg Rempe

A grasshopper goes in to a bar and orders a drink....the bartender comes back and says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!"...The grasshopper said, "Really, you have a drink named Melvin!!??"


----------



## john pen

Try this experiment...It really works to find out who your real friend is. If you dont believe it, just try it.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you ?


----------



## Tri Tip

A rope walks into a bar, bartender says, “ we don’t serve your kind”.
The rope walks out, ties himself into a knot and goes back in.
The bartender says,  “ I said, we don’t serve your kind, you’re a rope”!
The rope replies, “No,,, I’m afraid not”
Let me know if I hold the record for lamest jokes?


----------



## bbquzz

Kinda brings a tear to the eye ! A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day. Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love. Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.


----------



## Bob In Fla.

Christmas Party

December 1...

To All Employees

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...

To All Employees

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...

To All Employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...

To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...

To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...

To All Employees

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. 

Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. 

I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The B***h from H**l
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...

To All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


----------



## Vermin999

^^^ is probably a true story and not a joke^^^


----------



## Vermin999

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male...... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female..Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male....... Leaving a note before taking off on a hunting trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## bbquzz

Did you know ... In 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we will look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.


----------



## Bob In Fla.

bbquzz said:
			
		

> Did you know ... In 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we will look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.


That's so close to true, can it be considered as a joke? :?    :roll: 

BOB


----------



## bbquzz

Not exactly a joke and not worth a new thread, but GOOD!


----------



## bbquzz

This is an alcohol test just in time for New Year's Eve.

1. Click HERE to take the test
2. A new window will open - click on the man's nose
3. For each time you click on his nose, you can take another drink!!!


----------



## Captain Morgan

this is actually a post from a woman friend on Facebook...a short conversation with
her son, instead of a joke, but it's the funniest thing I've heard this year.

"Mom, do you know how to attract a llama?". Me - "No, I'd have to think about that.". Aidan - "One way for sure is fish sticks!"


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Larry applied for an engineering position.

Puff applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same
qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.

The manager went to Larry and said: "Thanks for your interest,
but we've decided to give Puff the job."

Larry asked: "And why are you giving him the job?  We both got
nine questions correct!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the
correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you
both missed."

Larry then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"

The manager said: "Larry, it's like this. On question No. 4
Puff put down; 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"


----------



## bigwheel

A group of engineers representing various disciplines were drinking in a bar one night. They all agreed God was the best engineer which ever was and began to argue about what field He best represented:

The Electrical Engineer in the bunch said, "All you need to do is look at the human body with all its intricate electrical design to see that God's specialty is Electrical Engineering." 

The Mechanical Engineer spoke up next and said, "If you examine the marvelous mechanical functioning of the body, with it various moving parts, it can plainly be seen God is more oriented toward Mechanical Engineering. 

The Civil Engineer got his turn and said, "Well yall are pretty dumb. All a person has to do is look at a human female to see that God is a Civil Engineer...who but a Civil Engineer would think of running a sewer line through the middle of a playground?"


----------



## Vermin999

A man walks into a bar and notices a 100-dollar bill in a frame above the bar.
He asks the barkeep, "Was that the first hundred you made?"
"No", replied the bartender. "That's for a contest we have but no one's ever won."
"I want to play", said the man.
"Well", said the barkeep, "There are three parts to this contest: The first thing you have to do is knock out that bouncer over there. Only one man has ever done that.
The second thing you have to do is go out back.
I have a pit-bull out there with a loose tooth. You have to pull that tooth out.
The guy who knocked out my bouncer ended up in the hospital when he tried that one.
Finally, you have to make love to that 400-pound woman sitting at the back of the bar. "Upon hearing the third requirement, the man said "No thanks, I'll pass".
However, after a good amount of drinking the man reconsidered and yelled to the barkeep "Bring it on! What's first?" "The bouncer" said the bartender. Upon hearing this, the man promptly walked over to the bouncer and laid him out with one punch. "Impressive!
Now for the pit-bull", said the bartender. The man went out back.
For about five minutes all that could be heard was barking and crashing, and finally a dog's whimper. The man walked back into the bar proudly and, zipping up his pants, said "Now where's that fat gal with the loose tooth?"


----------



## Vermin999

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


----------



## Uncle Al

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but 
don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of twenty chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. 
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun


----------



## Nick Prochilo

Hillbilly Book on Manners


1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. 


DINING OUT 

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. 


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. 



PERSONAL HYGIENE 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys. 


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. 



DATING (Outside the Family) 

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. 

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.” 

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time. 

4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.” 


WEDDINGS 

1. Livestockis usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 

3. For the groom, while a tuxedo is traditionally worn, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. 

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. 

6. A bridal veil made of fly netting is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. 


DRIVING ETIQUETTE 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER 

1. All the DNA is the same. 
2. There are no dental records


----------



## Nick Prochilo

The top 31 things you'll never hear Bigwheel say: 

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 
28. Duct tape won't fix that. 
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken 
26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 
25. You can't feed that to the dog. 
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 
23. Wrestling is fake. 
22. We're vegetarians. 
21. Do you think my gut is too big? 
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 
19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 
18. Who cares who won the Civil War? 
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 
14. Trim the fat off that steak. 
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 
12. The tires on that truck are too big. 
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 
10. Unsweet tea tastes better. 
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 
7. Checkmate 
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 
4. I don't have a favorite college team. 
3. You Guys. 
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. 
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A BIGWHEEL SAY: 

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a busload of us down to vote for 
Obama!


----------



## Bob In Fla.

ROTFLMAO

Way to go bigwheel!

BOB


----------



## Bob In Fla.

*Why do Tarheels go Barefoot?*

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute". Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to _GOD_.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Houston , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee and many cities and town all around the United States , he found more phones same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Upon entering a church in the beautiful state of North Carolina, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But _THIS time_, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to _GOD_, but in other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

I love this part...

The pastor, smiling broadly replied, "Son, you're in North Carolina now - you're in_ God's _Country. It's a_ local _call."

American by Birth, North Carolinian by Grace of _God_.

And why do North Carolina's _Tarheels_ go barefoot? CAUSE, when your are in North Carolina, you are on* Holy Ground*!


----------



## Captain Morgan

loves me some North Carolina.  Not real fond of Tallahassee right now.


----------



## NewHeart

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." 

  "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." 

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" 

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?" 

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


----------



## bbquzz

My Bad


----------



## bbquzz

Stereotypes


----------



## bigwheel

Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?


----------



## Nick Prochilo

bigwheel said:
			
		

> Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?


No, please tell!


----------



## bbquzz

Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> bigwheel said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
> 
> 
> 
> No, please tell!
Click to expand...



Yes please tell and include pictures ... No pictures, no joke


----------



## Bob In Fla.

bbquzz said:
			
		

> Nick Prochilo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> bigwheel said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
> 
> 
> 
> No, please tell!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Yes please tell and include pictures ... No pictures, no joke
Click to expand...

X3
How in the world can an Irishman drown in Guiness?  Ida thought he'd drink the vat dry. Kinda like in that movie with those guys from the _Great White North_.

BOB


----------



## Larry D.

bigwheel said:
			
		

> Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?


Here's one version:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a pee."


----------



## bigwheel

That was it..thanks.


----------



## dledmo

Bob In Fla. said:
			
		

> bbquzz said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [quote="Nick Prochilo":65g0p3gd]
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> bigwheel said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
> 
> 
> 
> No, please tell!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Yes please tell and include pictures ... No pictures, no joke
Click to expand...

X3
How in the world can an Irishman drown in Guiness?  Ida thought he'd drink the vat dry. Kinda like in that movie with those guys from the _Great White North_.

BOB[/quote:65g0p3gd]

I remember a scene like that from "Strange Brew" with Bob and Doug McKenzie


----------



## Nick Prochilo

The Golfing Nun...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my
brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know
I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it
your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...
and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel
and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from 
the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the "fing" putt, didn't you?"


----------



## bigwheel

Thats cute. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## bbquzz

I couldn't resist ... this is so good ... and true!


----------



## Nick Prochilo

[attachment=0:3qkv21wn]Organized Crime.jpg[/attachment:3qkv21wn]


----------



## Nick Prochilo

[attachment=0:1q9dcy2l]adopted1.jpg[/attachment:1q9dcy2l]


----------



## Gary in VA

My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '* 
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'* 
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.' 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'* 
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' 

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

....and that's when the fight started....

The doctors say I will make a full recovery.


----------



## Larry D.

That's a variation on the old Calvin Coolidge joke:

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were at a government farm one day and were taken around on separate tours. Mrs. Coolidge, passing the chicken pens, inquired of a supervisor whether the lone rooster was sufficient, given the many hens in the chicken flock.

"Yes", the man said, "the rooster works very hard."

Mrs. Coolidge then asked, "Really? The rooster works very hard? Every day?"

"Oh, yes," the man said. "Dozens of times a day."

"Interesting!" Mrs. Coolidge replied, "Be sure to tell that to the President!"

Some time later the President, passing the same pens, was told about the roosters - and about his wife's remark. "Same hen every time?", he asked.

"Oh, no, a different one each time," the supervisor replied.

"Tell that," Coolidge said with a sly nod, "to Mrs. Coolidge."


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## bigwheel

Hopefully you save me a trip to put that one on FB. Sorry Nick Prez Nixon was one of my favorites. 




			
				bbquzz said:
			
		

> I couldn't resist ... this is so good ... and true!


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## wittdog

What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Whitney Houston's crack pipe 


Sent from my intergalactic communicator using Tapatalk


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## bigwheel

Lol thats cold but sorta funny. Have yall heard about Leroy's hearing? I just got it the other day from my brother. It was hilarious. Prob made the rounds on the net by now. Any aint heard it or seen it speak up and somebody will give it out in prose or something. 




			
				wittdog said:
			
		

> What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Whitney Houston's crack pipe
> 
> 
> Sent from my intergalactic communicator using Tapatalk


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## Nick Prochilo

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. 
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. 
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99". 
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, 
'99'. 
The old guy begins,








"One...












two…
















three…"


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## bigwheel

Thats funny.


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## Rag1

An oldie...


....Happy and Sad.. 

..A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". 

..The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”. 

....She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


----------



## Nick Prochilo

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
      Mrs.  Smith  fainted

  ­­


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## Rag1

Magic Penis
> 
> A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
> so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
> occupied.  He went to a sex shop and explained his
> situation.  The man there said, ' Well, I don't
> know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for
> so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!' 
> 
> The husband said, 'The what'? 
> 
> The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,'  and
> pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.  
> 
> The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
> dildo!' 
> 
> The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
> Penis,  door!'
> 
> The penis rose out of its box, darted
> over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.  The whole door shook
> wildly with vibrations, so much so,  that a crack began
> to form down the middle.  Then the man said, 'Magic
> Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
> returned to the box. 
> 
> The husband bought it  and took it home to his wife.  
> After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
> remembered the Magic Penis.  She undressed, opened the box
> and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'    The penis
> shot to her crotch.  It was absolutely incredible.  After
> three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
> decided she'd had enough.  She tried to pull it out,
> but it was stuck.  Her husband had neglected to tell her
> how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car
> and started for the closest hospital.  
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
> made her swerve all over the road.  A police officer saw this and
> immediately pulled her over.  He asked for her license, and
> then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>   
> Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
> had anything to drink officer  You see, I've got
> this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
> stop screwing me.'  
> 
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
> replied, 'Yeah right....  Magic Penis, my ass....!' 
>   
> The rest, as they say, is history...


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## Crabnbass

How come only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if 100% went it would be hell.


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## Nick Prochilo

One of the best analogies I've seen!
=========================================================
Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain:

Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup
in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do?


Raise the ceilings or pump out the Shit?


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## Bob In Fla.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. 

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


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## bbquzz

Super Tuesday In Ohio ...

My final vote ...

I spent a long time looking over the ballot, I've gotten many pieces in the mail, from an assortment of politicians. Some I could not tell whether they were for or against a candidate. I got phone calls from the Governor of Ohio, and all the Presidential candidates. I got calls from people I had never heard from, some endorsements were good and some bad.

My mind was a blur by the time I got to the polling place. I showed them my drivers license and got what I needed to vote.

I stood in front of that machine for a long while, trying to decide. I finally did a write in ...

I wrote in "Walmart." They seem to know how to run things, how to expand, how to merchandise, how to pacify local governments, how to make friends around the world, so I voted for them.


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## Rag1

Good vote. I might have seen you in one of their slideshows. Do you have a red mohawk, ass crack sticking out and purple pumps?


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## bbquzz

Long or short Mohawk? Mine is a short one and it is really more orange than red, it was probably me you saw in the picture


----------



## Bob In Fla.

O'Malley


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## Nick Prochilo

Just found this baby photo of Larry, thought I would share
[attachment=0:2pro69vo]OMG.jpeg[/attachment:2pro69vo]


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## NewHeart

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

Doing what?" asked the father "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.


----------



## auplexgrill

http://auplexgrill.com/productlist.asp


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## Nick Prochilo

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Larry, Scotty and Susan.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susan felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Larry & Scotty was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. 





It was tragic, but Larry & Scotty managed to get through it. After a while, Larry & Scotty's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. 





Well, a couple more years went by and Larry & Scotty began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. 





So, they buried Susan.


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## bbquzz

Texas Police do care:
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying 
that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that 
clearly 
shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police 
department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who 
reported 
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the 
Pedernales River 
near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be 
released 
until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to 
excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He 
was 
wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, 
a pink 
G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false 
eyelashes 
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his 
family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do 
care.


----------



## Gary in VA

Nick Prochilo said:
			
		

> A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Larry, Scotty and Susan.
> They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
> 
> After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susan felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
> She felt having sex with both Larry & Scotty was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It was tragic, but Larry & Scotty managed to get through it. After a while, Larry & Scotty's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Well, a couple more years went by and Larry & Scotty began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So, they buried Susan.




And, well, after a couple of more months went by... Larry & Scotty felt so horrible about what they were doing....


.... they dug her back up.


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## Bob In Fla.

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I had amnesia once---or twice 
******************** 

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
******************** 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy 
******************** 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
******************** 

They told me I was gullible and I believed them. 
******************** 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. 
******************** 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 
******************** 

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 
******************** 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
******************** 

How can there be self-help "groups"? 
******************** 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
******************** 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. 
******************** 

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************


----------



## Bob In Fla.

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.


Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.


Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.


Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.


Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.


Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.


----------



## NewHeart

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the responsibilities of sex.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


----------



## NewHeart

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.                                  

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## bbquzz

*I guess we have proof now...*

He really does.


----------



## Uncle Al

FLASH... THIS JUST IN.. All the toilets in New York City have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .


----------



## bbquzz

*This is not my house!*

Contrary to what you may have heard, this is not my house


----------



## bigwheel

Bob In Fla. said:


> Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:
> 
> I had amnesia once---or twice
> ********************
> 
> Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
> ********************
> 
> All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
> ********************
> 
> What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
> ********************
> 
> They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
> ********************
> 
> Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
> ********************
> 
> Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
> ********************
> 
> One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
> ********************
> 
> I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
> ********************
> 
> How can there be self-help "groups"?
> ********************
> 
> If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
> ********************
> 
> Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
> ********************
> 
> Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
> ********************




Thats a killer and needs to be on FB. If it aint already.


----------



## dledmo

It would be better if they got a Weber!


----------



## Bosko

Old Harold is walking up and down the halls of the old folk home yelling at the top of his lungs.

" My penis is dead......my penis is dead!!"

The next day he was walking up and down all the halls with his penis hanging out of his pants,

The resident nurse says to him ..." Harold, I thought your penis was dead?"

He said "it is...............today's the showing"!!


----------



## Max1

Bosko that is wrong on so many levels.


----------



## Bosko

Max said:


> Bosko that is wrong on so many levels.



So how many times have you told it.......lol


----------



## Max1

I don't tell jokes, cause I can never get them right.


----------



## bigwheel

Hmmm...maybe you had a wrong gender assignment and shoulda been called Maxine. Ladies normally dont tell them right or catch one which is told right. We might need to let the Prez know about this. It can be fixed free under Obummercare. Let us know what you decide. Thanks. I have a cousin named Maxine..but she has now changed her name to Doris. She is still a girl.


----------



## bbquzz

*Why Grandpa's are better ... Griff;-)*

Why Grandpa's are better

Have you ever wondered what  the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it  is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his  son's family on weekends.  Every Saturday morning he would take his  5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time --  pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.  He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.  "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he  asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring.  We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit,  horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind  bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went.

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.  I really didn't have any fun."


----------

