# Need advice - did I maybe offend somebody?



## MexicoKaren (Sep 11, 2008)

Hey friends, help me out here, please. We often entertain people in our home. Because we have a nice big patio and (gratefully) lots of friends, we frequently have 15-20 people over for dinner. The last time we had a party to introduce our son and his family to our friends, we invited 17 people. One of our guests showed up with four extra people that she invited and brought with her...one of them ate fully 1/3 of the pulled pork and there wasn't enough to go around. Really!!

We are having another party Saturday night, to introduce my friend Laury who just arrived here from our home town. We've invited 15 people, and I'm making Chiles en Nogada (labor-intensive, and one prepared entree per person sort of thing). Because we are inviting the same person who brought all the extra guests last time, DH suggested that I send out an email asking all the inviutees to please not bring extras....so here is what I sent:

_Hola amigos y amigas - I thiught I'd better remind everyone about Saturday night and _
_clarify the time : 7 pm Jalisco...don't think I said that in my earlier email._

_Also, as I prepare to make Chiles en Nogada, it has occurred to me that I'm going to need an exact count of guests, so as much as I usually enjoy (or at least tolerate) "the more the merrier", I'm not going to be prepared to accommodate any extra guests this time around...wouldn't want anyone to go without (although whether the Chiles en Nogada are going to be good is a matter to be decided on Saturday)...looking forward to seeing you all! _

OK, now I am feeling a little bit guilty about it....do you think I might have offended anyone? PLEASE BE HONEST.

Muchas gracias to all my DC friends


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## babetoo (Sep 11, 2008)

no, i don't think you were rude. the person bringing the extra people without asking was the rude one. for those kind of people guess you need to spell it out. i am having guests tomorrow night for my granddaughter's b-day dinner. like topsy the number of people grew. but i knew  a week ago though so not quite as bad.one thanksgiving, at the last hour my granddaughter said two of her friends were coming. she had invited them without asking me. a married couple , and the biggest moochs you ever saw. i told her she had to resend  the invite. i think she learned a very good lesson. there really would have been a shortage of food for two more people.yours is not  quite the same. but i think you did it correctly.               babe


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## kadesma (Sep 11, 2008)

Karen,
your guest who imposed extras on you, should have been taken aside after the party and told that some people went without food because of a certain guest of hers...It just boggles my mind someone would be so rude..Not to even call ahead of time..to let you know or ask if it was alright..People should have enough smarts to know better..If they don't I'd not have them as a guest again..That was a rude,unthoughtful thing to do..Your e-mail should not have been necessary for thoughtful people, but boars I suppose need to be reminded...Do not feel guilty for thinking of your guests and again shame on the one who caused this...
kades


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## deelady (Sep 11, 2008)

I don't think what you said was offensive but I do think you made it clear that you weren't too thrilled last time and don't want history to repeat itself! (which is not a bad thing) you may have an embarrassed friend on your hands but how they decide to handle your hint is up to them....they can act offended but it would only be their own fault not yours! So no I don't feel you said anything wrong....you just made a point! Good for you!


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## Andy M. (Sep 11, 2008)

You stated it a lot more nicely than I would have,  I think your email is perfect.  It makes your point and offers both a true and reasonable explanation foryour request.  

If anyone is offended it will be the person who brought extras last time.  She may well assume the email is directed at her (and she would be right).  If she still brngs extras, it may be time to cross her off the guest list.


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## Chico Buller (Sep 11, 2008)

One of the things that I have learned in my five decades on earth is that there will always be people who take whatever you do and turn it into a social slight centering on them.  I think they actually like feeling offended--or trying to create the uproar.

Your parameters for the party, then and now, was to serve entertainment and refreshment for a limited number of people.  The important issue here is that *all functions* are designed around a limited number of people, even the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Just be prepared to see it.  There are always folks who bring toddlers to invitations marked "no children."  You can put up a *sign of any size* saying "no smoking" and some imbecile will light up--it happened this morning to me as I got *gasoline*.

My question has always been why don't these guys feel bad about walking around clueless in society?  There must have been a coronation I missed...


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## kitchenelf (Sep 11, 2008)

You worded it perfectly!  You interjected some humor in with everything.  Just remember that if she gets horribly offended it's just a knee-jerk reaction to being embarrassed.  Embarrassed or not that is very impolite.  We have had parties for 50 and 4, even 10 extra guests aren't an issue...(ok, maybe 10 would be pushing it)...you get the idea.  Your wording was very kind and I would feel just as badly as you for having to spell it out.    It's awfully presumptuous to invite people to a party you are invited to.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 11, 2008)

Oh thanks, everyone....this is a small community and we try to get along with everybody. I've been reading your responses to DH and he is feeling relieved as well.


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## kitchenelf (Sep 11, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> Oh thanks, everyone....this is a small community and we try to get along with everybody. I've been reading your responses to DH and he is feeling relieved as well.



I understand about small community...next time I'm in a quandary I will call for your assistance!!!


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## smokeyblue (Sep 12, 2008)

Perfectly polite, to the point and even gave an explination as to why you were asking that of the guests. Nothing out of line here, couldnt have put it better my self.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 12, 2008)

Friends are a real blessing,  but sometimes a mixed one. Poor hubby was trying to take a siesta today, and people kept stopping by to see us...I told him, "just be grateful we have so many friends." Well, maybe we'll have fewer friends after this email!!!!


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## kadesma (Sep 12, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> Friends are a real blessing,  but sometimes a mixed one. Poor hubby was trying to take a siesta today, and people kept stopping by to see us...I told him, "just be grateful we have so many friends." Well, maybe we'll have fewer friends after this email!!!!


No you won't those at the last party who saw and are aware of what went on, will thank you for thinking about them..Those offended are the ones embarrassed by their own behavior...If it were me I"d give you a big hug for being so thoughtful.
kadesma


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 12, 2008)

kadesma said:
			
		

> If it were me I"d give you a big hug for being so thoughtful.


 
Oh thanks,kades - virtual hug gratefully accepted!


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## ChefJune (Sep 12, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> Friends are a real blessing,  but sometimes a mixed one. Poor hubby was trying to take a siesta today, and people kept stopping by to see us...I told him, "just be grateful we have so many friends." Well, maybe we'll have fewer friends after this email!!!!



I doubt that greatly!  You said it just right.  It's your friend who brought ANY extra guests without asking ahead who was rude.

sounds like you have a great evening planned.


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## Fisher's Mom (Sep 12, 2008)

I agree with everyone here, Karen. Your e-mail was gracious but still addressed the issue. I suspect that you are an exceptional hostess who always seems to take everything in stride and makes it appear effortless! That's probably why your friend thoughtlessly brought the extra people. I think your message was a gentle way to remind your friend that you plan carefully for each of your guests' comfort and enjoyment and unexpected ones can play havoc with that. I'm sure she will be more considerate in the future. (On the bright side - only wonderful events get crashed!)


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## Lynd (Sep 12, 2008)

If you lost a friend over that email they wouldnt be a very good friend, the request you sent out was fair I think


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## Adillo303 (Sep 12, 2008)

absolutely appropriate. You stated a rational reason, you stated it plesantly. Yuo did not close the door on extras in the future.

Well Done

AC


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## PattY1 (Sep 12, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> Friends are a real blessing, but sometimes a mixed one. Poor hubby was trying to take a siesta today, and people kept stopping by to see us...I told him, "just be grateful we have so many friends." *Well, maybe we'll have fewer friends after this email!!!![/*quote]
> 
> 
> If you do, they are not REAL friends to begin with. You were much more tackful then I would have been. I would have said something that night. If not, my attitude would tell all.


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## TanyaK (Sep 12, 2008)

Nothing wrong with that mail. I just can't believe that your friend arrived with 4 extra people! You were much nicer about it than I would have been.


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## pacanis (Sep 12, 2008)

Looks perfect to me.
I feel your friend who brought their frends last time might be a little rude. They should have asked you first IMO.

Now..... where's _my_ invite


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## Claire (Sep 12, 2008)

This is near and dear to my heart.  When I am throwing my big, annual Christmas party, the more the merrier.  But if we're going to sit down, or for meals where you make individual servings, you need an accurate head count.  Your freinds were rude in bringing others without talking to you first.  I don't think you were offensive, they were.  I entertain quite a bit, and yes, there are times when I'm happy to have everyone and their siblings and freinds.  But they always call me first, or I let them know that it is "open house" or "invited only".  I don't think that is rude .... for heaven's sake it is my (your) home and if you're like me, you are entertaining more than your guests do.


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## texasgirl (Sep 12, 2008)

The ones that were there last time, will know exactly who you were addressing. Not rude at all and I'm sure that the ones that went without, are pleased you did this. Don't worry about it anymore. Have your lovely party and have fun with your friends.


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## VeraBlue (Sep 12, 2008)

Not at all!  Your letter was polite, succinct and direct.  If someone is offended, it says more about their character than yours.


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## buckytom (Sep 12, 2008)

i'll be there at half past six so we get in on the good grub, ok? 




your note was polite and to the point, so not to worry. 


umm, just make sure the food doesn't suck, now that you made such a big deal about it...he hee.


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## Lynd (Sep 12, 2008)

pacanis said:


> Now..... where's _my_ invite



MK you've opened the flood gates now


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## *amy* (Sep 12, 2008)

When I am invited to a party, dinner or otherwise, I do not bring extra people along, unless the invite says plus one, or consult the host. I, politely, would have taken her aside, at the time, & explained your concerns. Don't know how the initial invite went out - word of mouth, email, or RSVP. Perhaps the friend felt comfortable enough with your past generosity to bring a bunch along. Still not appropriate. Only you know your friends. I, like Claire, need a headcount, & prefer an RSVP to plan my dinner (amounts), seating etc. Perhaps, in the future, you could send out invites & state the purpose of the party/get together (if you wish), time, & a number to RSVP. I can imagine it was just as embarassing to you & your friends, to come up short because of the thoughtlessness of others. I wouldn't fret about it now. Just have a great time.


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## DramaQueen (Sep 12, 2008)

*No one with any class would bring 4 extra people uninvited to a party of ANY kind. Karen, I think you stated your point clearly and very politely. No one can fault you for that. You did good. Don't stress over it. *


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## jpmcgrew (Sep 12, 2008)

You did the right thing MK as for me I would have been livid through out the whole party. What they did was really thoughtless. Where I live 45 miles from town my parties are usually just for some of the people that live here. If it was planned ahead and they get company which always involves spending the night at their house my friends will call first to ask permission, so far I have been able to accomodate as I usually make more than enough food but none would just show up with more people with out asking first. If I have a party that is an open house then it's a pot luck and I will make a big pot of chili for frito pies or something like that and out come the paper plates, bowls, etc.    After all I want to have fun to.


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## GB (Sep 12, 2008)

I can not add anything further to what everyone has already said. I know if I got an invitation worded the way you worded yours I would not have any issue with it at all. I would not even think twice about it.

I think the person who brought extra people was terribly rude and should be ashamed of themselves.


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## Constance (Sep 12, 2008)

I have a friend who has always felt free to bring extra people along without calling first. I don't mind when we're having a big hog fest and have plenty of extra food, but her choice of friends is sometimes questionable, and she's brought a few guests that I wished she'd left home. 
One evening we were having a fish fry, and Kim was cooking the fish out in the pole barn in his propane deep fryer. Several of the guests were out there with him, while I was in the kitchen getting the rest of the food on the table. I happened to look out the window to see my friend headed for her truck with a big foil-covered plate. She wanted to make sure she and her husband had enough fish for lunch the next day, and took so much there was barely enough to go around for the rest of us. 
Thing being, although she's a greedy little pig, she's also a dear friend in so many ways that I just overlook it. Kim did tell her not to bring her friend the coke dealer again. 

One time, when we were partying out on the deck in the hot tub, I had another friend who went in to get himself a beer. When he didn't come back for a long while, I went in looking for him, and found he'd discovered the boiled shrimp chilling in the fridge and had eaten almost all of them.

In the case of my first friend...she grew up very poor in a large family, and her motto became, "You snooze, you lose." I also don't think anyone ever taught her any manners except her husband.

The second friend didn't have that excuse. He was just greedy. 

I think you handled your situation very well. Some people just don't know their manners.


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## QSis (Sep 12, 2008)

Karen, it was a great email!

Tell us if she replies, okay?  

I know someone like your friend. She would say, "I see that you said you needed to know an exact number of guests, so can you add  four more?  I'd like to bring the same four people I brought last time".   Seriously.

Lee


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## GotGarlic (Sep 12, 2008)

Hi, Karen. I agree with all of the above - you did the right thing, politely, and where's my invitation?


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## *amy* (Sep 12, 2008)

QSis said:


> ... I know someone like your friend. She would say, "I see that you said you needed to know an exact number of guests, so can you add four more? I'd like to bring the same four people I brought last time". Seriously.
> 
> Lee


 


Karen, understand your frustration. Think we've all been there, to some degree & all feel your pain.

Puts me in mind of that Mary Tyler Moore episode. Mary is having a special dinner party. Sue Ann Nivens is making her Veal Orloff for 6 guests. Rhoda shows up with an uninvited guest (Henry Winkler), & Mary seats them at a separate table. Then, Lou Grant helps himself to HALF the veal orloff... & Mary whispers, "Mr. Grant, you've taken half, we only have enough for six." Lou puts half back. Again, just let it go, and have a fab party.


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## roadfix (Sep 12, 2008)

If it were my wife she would be very blunt and tell that guest that her friends are not included on the guest list and will not be included.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 12, 2008)

Oh, you guys are just the best!!! I cannot imagine a better dinner party than one with all of YOU as guests...if it could only be so! Wouldn't we have a great time? Thanks so much for taking the time to give me some valuable and reassuring words. I'll let you know what happens.....now, I have to start roasting poblanos......


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## CharlieD (Sep 12, 2008)

I ahve friends like that, they always bring their parents with them. I hate that. I've stop inviting them and if I do I tell them straight out not to bring anybody. So, comapare to me you were Very, and I mean Very nice. If somebody gets offended let them not to come. That's just my 2 cents.


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## luvs (Sep 12, 2008)

i wouldn't be offended by your letter. she imposed on you.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 12, 2008)

I have now had an email response from the offender, who assures me that she and her partner will show up alone - just the two of them. And it was quite friendly, I think. (sigh of relief)


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## Constance (Sep 12, 2008)

You did good, Girl!


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## Barbara L (Sep 13, 2008)

I just saw this.  I agree with everyone else.  I hope your party goes well.  Let us know!

Barbara


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 13, 2008)

Muchas gracias, Constance and Barbara!! Now....if the rain will just hold off. We had about an inch of rain in the last hour...often rains nightly this time of year. Now I remember why I don't have parties in the summer....


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## PattY1 (Sep 13, 2008)

Field trip to Karen's house!!!!!!!!! Who is in??

I will even front you for the food (when I hit the mega millions).


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 13, 2008)

Patty, someone will have to hit the mega millions to get you all down here. Once you're here, we'll take it from there. I DO have 22 stuffed chiles en nogada in the fridge right now, so that's a start. I'll post the recipe.


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## roadfix (Sep 13, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> I have now had an email response from the offender, who assures me that she and her partner will show up alone - just the two of them. And it was quite friendly, I think. (sigh of relief)



Mission accomplished!


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## texasgirl (Sep 13, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> I have now had an email response from the offender, who assures me that she and her partner will show up alone - just the two of them. And it was quite friendly, I think. (sigh of relief)


 
Great job!! Good for you!!


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## Dina (Sep 13, 2008)

Great Karen!  Usually guests have the courtesy to ask if they can bring along extra people and that should have been the case with your friend.  Surely after this, it won't be repeated.  Glad you can relax now.


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## coriander (Sep 13, 2008)

MexicoKaren said:


> I have now had an email response from the offender, who assures me that she and her partner will show up alone - just the two of them. And it was quite friendly, I think. (sigh of relief)



It sounds like she got the point - this time, at least.  And as everyone has already mentioned, the folks who were there for the +4 incident no doubt know who you meant.  I thought your email was way more gracious than I'd have managed.  It sounds like it will be a lovely time.


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## babetoo (Sep 13, 2008)

this probably should be in the venting thread. i invited my daughter, my granddaughter and her boy friend for dinner. occasion was my oldest granddaughter's b'day. saige is her name, she also invited her boy friend and another gal friend.  my daughter , she lives about an hour away, called to say it would be very late for her to come and she didn't see the point. so she bailed with three other guests she was bringing. saige's boy friend bailed, said he had to work late. the gal friend just decided she had something better to do. this all occured within two hours of the invite time. that left saige and i. and she was really hurt. we made the best of it and ate a tiny bit of the 40 dollar meal i had cooked. including cake and home made bread. we also drank a bottle of wine.at first i was very angry. now i am just sorry for saige. it made her cry. i sent food and cake home with her. how rude were these people with the flimsy excuses. i invited all a week ahead so they had plenty of notice. dinner for the family member on their  b'day is a family tradtion. may have to rethink that one. i didn't yell at anyone but i don't want to talk to them either.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 13, 2008)

Oh babe, I am so sorry. All that work and of course, the money spent as well. That is really much worse than what happened to me. Everyone should realize how much effort goes into making a special dinner - the older we get, the more effort it takes. You have every right to be angry, but it sounds like you made Saige's hurt feelings your top priority. You are a good grandma.


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## Barbara L (Sep 13, 2008)

That's horrible Babe.  I'm glad you helped make the day better than it could have been for Saige.  All those who bailed should feel ashamed of themselves.

Barbara


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## middie (Sep 13, 2008)

Ah Karen that did not sound offending to me at all.


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## Fisher's Mom (Sep 13, 2008)

Awww, Babe, that's rotten. For you and for Saige! How old is she? Please tell her Terry says Happy Birthday anyway and I hope this year will be a great one for her. And Karen is right - you _are_ a wonderful Grandma!


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## luvs (Sep 13, 2008)

Barbara L said:


> That's horrible Babe. I'm glad you helped make the day better than it could have been for Saige. All those who bailed should feel ashamed of themselves.
> 
> Barbara


 
i concur!!! fer SHAME, those guys making her cry. my eyes welled reading your post, babe.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 14, 2008)

Dear friends, I have been so tired all day, I just got to the computer!!! The party went really really well - everyone had a great time and the last guest didn't leave until almost 2 am. I had a very enlightening talk with the woman who inspired my "no uninvited guests" email. She said "You didn't fool me with your email...I knew it was meant for me. And I don't blame you a bit!" And gave me a hug. I think we are better friends now...obviously, honesty is the best policy. All's well that ends well.

Thanks so much for your confidence-inspiring messages. You are a genuinely wonderful group of friends and I treasure you all.


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## deelady (Sep 14, 2008)

Thats wonderful Karen! It is always best to be honest and say whats on your mind....in a polite way of course!! 

Now correct me if I am wrong but you did say you wouldn't mind sharing that recipe now with us right???


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## kitchenelf (Sep 14, 2008)

You certainly couldn't have asked for a better outcome and you apparently handled it perfectly!!!!  All's well that ends well.


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## JoeV (Sep 14, 2008)

As others have stated, you handled better than I would have. I recall an "Adults Only" gathering DW and I attended where one couple brought their two human food vacuum cleaners about 11 & 12 years old (said they couldn't get a sitter). Those two kids ate almost three pounds of shrimp cocktails inside of the first 20 minutes of their arrival, thus denying the majority of the guests their share. The host tried to stop their massive consumption by saying to the father "Boy, those kids can really pack away the shrimp." The father's response was "Yeah, they really like good food, especially the good stuff that they don't get at home."

Some people are so self-centered that they just don't get it, and NEED to be told what the rules are. Good for you.


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## Barbara L (Sep 14, 2008)

Yay Karen!  I'm so glad things turned out so well.  I know you must feel like a huge load has been removed from you.

Barbara


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## LEFSElover (Sep 15, 2008)

what you said is heads and tails better than what I would have written.  I write now, think about the consquences later.  you did good.  shame on anyone for simply assuming something is ok because in that last case, it clearly wasn't ok.


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## Lynd (Sep 15, 2008)

Karen that's great to hear, we told you!  it's great that she was friendly enough to take it that way.


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## MexicoKaren (Sep 15, 2008)

One last post, amigos, before I close this out...here is where I posted the recipe:

http://www.discusscooking.com/forum...pendence-day-with-chiles-en-nogada-50137.html


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