# My Dad.



## LPBeier (Feb 15, 2012)

I am not going to make this one of my run-on posts - partly because I rushed home for some lunch and will be rushing back to spend time with Dad.

He has taken a huge turn for the worst and we had a meeting this morning with his care team.  They are going to do a few tests to see what is happening, but basically we are just going to keep him "comfortable" with pain medication and a sedative.  I will be taking a tour of the facility's Hospice unit as that may be the next best step.

I am good.  Had a cry with my sister and but am back being the strong one with Dad and the staff.  I have heard him talk about how awful he feels and how he is ready to die for quite awhile now.  I don't want to lose him, but the man in that bed is NOT my Dad....at least not the one I have fond memories of.

If you could keep us in your thoughts and/or prayers I would appreciate it.

Laurie


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## LPBeier (Feb 15, 2012)

Okay, it was a little long!


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## Andy M. (Feb 15, 2012)

Laurie, this is so sad.  It's super hard to watch your parents deteriorate due to old age or illness.  Your post brought back memories of both my parents' deaths. 

You and your dad will be in our thoughts.  Know we love you and are here for you.


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## niquejim (Feb 15, 2012)

I lost my dad when I was 11. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack and while it was very hard then, I'm glad that he didn't slowly go downhill. I still remember him as the strong, great guy I knew as a child. 
With a tear in my eye, I will be thinking of you


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## Dawgluver (Feb 15, 2012)

So sad, LP.  Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


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## Rocklobster (Feb 15, 2012)

Thoughts are with you and your family at this time.


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## DaveSoMD (Feb 15, 2012)

You know all of you are in my thoughts my friend!


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## CraigC (Feb 15, 2012)

I feel for you and your family. Went through similar situation with my oldest brother. Comfortable and surrounded by family and friends is the best thing.


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## buckytom (Feb 15, 2012)

i'm so sorry, lp. of course you have our prayers.


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## TATTRAT (Feb 15, 2012)

LP, my positive thoughts and energy go out to you, and yours!


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## Zhizara (Feb 15, 2012)

Stay strong, Laurie.  You know we're here for you.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 15, 2012)

You know how I feel for you, your Dad and for Tony.  Don't forget Tony will be hurting, too! Love you guys and my prayers are with you!


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## LPBeier (Feb 15, 2012)

Thanks, everyone.  You don't know how loved I feel reading your replies.

The care coordinator has arranged for someone to sit with Dad from 9 pm to 7 am because this is his worst time.  He is constantly getting up and down in bed (sometimes every 10 minutes or so) and needs help for both.  They say once my sister or I have left for the last visit of the day he goes into panic mode.  At least if someone is there, he may get some sleep.

I will be getting a tour of the hospice unit tomorrow, in case this becomes an option.  They are going to run some blood work and a couple of xrays tomorrow but these are just to see where everything stands at the moment - not because they believe he can be treated.  

I am exhausted and going to spend a quiet night with my hubby and pups.  My Violet won't leave my side - she is Dad's dog as well and it is as if she knows.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 15, 2012)

Will they allow the dogs in to visit him, Laurie?  Violet may need to go see him, too!  It would be good for both of them.


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## Dawgluver (Feb 15, 2012)

Great idea, PF.


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## MrsLMB (Feb 15, 2012)

So sorry you are going through this. Having been there myself in the past with both my parents I do understand what you are going through.

The dog visititation is a great idea if it can happen.

Sympathies to you and your family from my family.

Stay strong for now and do what needs to be done.

Your DC family will always be here for you when you need us.


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## LPBeier (Feb 15, 2012)

Violet has been up twice to the convalescent care unit where Dad is now.  Last time was Monday and she lay at his feet or put her head in his lap.  I will have to ask at hospice when I go tomorrow, but there are dogs and cats all over that place.  

I am wondering if she is moping because she DID see him feeling so unwell, but they are old soles and I am sure future visits would do mutual good for them.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 15, 2012)

Dogs are very perceptive, Violet understands what's going on at some level.  Spending more time with your Dad at this time would help them both.


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## Barbara L (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear this Laurie. I have never had the pleasure of meeting your dad, but you know how I feel about you and him.

I know what you mean about him not being the man who raised you. That was exactly what we went through with my dad when he got sick.

We are praying for him, and for you and Tony. Give my "boyfriend" a kiss and hug for me and let him know that someone in South Carolina loves and is praying for him.  

We love you sweetie. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.


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## taxlady (Feb 15, 2012)

(((hugs)))

Good vibes are being sent to you and your family. Hang in there.


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## Addie (Feb 16, 2012)

Prayers are very powerful. And with all the prayers coming from DC, he will find his way to comfort. If the hospice is to be the place for him, then accept it with grace and calm. The people there are specially trained to care for folks like your father. 

I don't know the age of your father, but I will be 73 next month. My kids and I have had many talks about my old age. This past year has been somewhat of a nightmare for me. In and out of the hospital so many times I feel like I own the place. I don't want any tears shed. I have had a full life and I want them to celebrate that. So think of all the good things about your father's life. And if you can, when you are with him, try to tell him funny stories and memories about your childhood with him. And if he wants to talk, then listen. Don't say, "Oh Dad, don't say things like that." He wants to be heard and know that you are listening. 

Bring the dog as often as you are allowed. Take your cues from Violet. I strongly believe animals know what is going on and have a feel for the future. Both your father and Violet need comfort at this time. 

Last July 4th we had a party at my daughter's house in the backyard. All my children were there. We talked about my death, my wishes and what I should put in a will. We laughed so hard our chests were hurting and tears of laughter were flowing. It was the funnest party I have ever been to. And when my time comes, I know there will be one less thing I will worry about. My kids will be all right. Give your father this comfort. Let him know that you are going to be all right. No matter what the outcome of his present health is.  

You sound like a strong woman. Pass that strength on to your father through prayer. It will bring comfort to you and your father. And remember, we here at DC are praying also.


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## LPBeier (Feb 16, 2012)

Addie, Dad is 86 and has spent his last two birthdays in the hospital.  

He is finally "resting comfortably".  They have the medication worked out and his personal care aide will have arrived about an hour ago.  I talked to him at 7 and he had been sleeping.  He sounded groggy, but much calmer and said that it was helping the pain.  I called my sister and said that we were finally getting somewhere.  We will wait for the results of all the tests, but in the meantime I will check out hospice so that if we have to go that route I will be able to tell Dad what to expect.  That is important to him - the unknown is pretty scary.

Thank you all for your thoughts, energy, prayers, hugs and love.  I have pulled away from here during other times of need but I am so glad to have you all now.

I am taking Violet with me tomorrow.  Joie, our other dog is just too rambunctious and barky, but Violet just knows what is needed.  She is truly amazing.


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## Barbara L (Feb 16, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> ...I am taking Violet with me tomorrow.  Joie, our other dog is just too rambunctious and barky, but Violet just knows what is needed.  She is truly amazing.


When James' brother was in the hospital with his last heart aneurysm we were able to bring Frank's dog Tess up to see him a couple times. We couldn't bring her inside the V.A. hospital, but Frank was able to come outside to a little sitting area they had. I think those visits from Tess did him more good than anything the doctors could do for him. It was especially hard for him to be there because he was blind, but being able to feel and talk to Tess made his day so special. There were other patients out there too, and they just lit up when Tess went to see them. I'm glad Violet has been able to go see your dad!


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## jabbur (Feb 16, 2012)

Laurie, I know it is never easy to watch a parent become frail.  You have done everything possible to make his life comfortable and enjoyable.  Taking care of your dad the way you did as you struggle with your own health issues was amazing.  He knows you truly love him.  You have shown that to him these last few years.  Praying for God's blessings and comfort to you and your family as you face the difficult decisions ahead.


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## tinlizzie (Feb 16, 2012)

Sympathy and good wishes for continuing strength to you and your sister.


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## GB (Feb 16, 2012)

Laurie, you are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending you all my love!!!


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## Alix (Feb 16, 2012)

Laurie, sending you hugs and peaceful, calm thoughts and energy. You know my prayers are with you all. I'll say another right now for peace.


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## babetoo (Feb 16, 2012)

you will certainly be in my thoughts, as will your dad. i lost my mom after a long illness, it was hard to see her like that. you and your dad are very close and you have been his guide in his journey. take care of  yourself.


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## vitauta (Feb 17, 2012)

your struggles with your dad remind me of my own.  it is a helpless feeling when suddenly all your efforts no longer can bring back good health to a loved one.  you are a good and loving daughter, laurie.  making sure your dad is as comfortable as possible is what you can do and are doing for him right now.  my thoughts are with you and yours at this time.  peace be with you....


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## LPBeier (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks, everyone.

Yesterday was a rough one.  Dad is finally getting the sleep and relief he needs through the medication, but when he is awake he is very demanding and needy.  He has no sense of time so if it takes a care aide 5 minutes to answer his call he thinks it is an hour and that they don't care.  The staff, who are used to convalescent and rehab patients are beside themselves in knowing how to look after him.  They are all shocked at how quickly he has gone downhill.

So, we may be increasing the personal care aide (we pay for) to 24 hours.  He seems to need constant attention and neither the unit staff nor my sister and I are capable of that.  

I am taking Violet up today as I was unable to yesterday.  Even if she just curls up on his bed (don't know if it is allowed, but we will find out) it will be a comfort to both.  I am also taking my discman and some speakers with an mp3 disc I made one other time he was hospitalized.  It has all his music on it and music has always been something that comforts my Dad.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 17, 2012)

I see no problem with Violet curling up on the bed.  It should happen, it might calm your Dad enough he can sleep.  And if anyone tells you she can't be up there, escort them out of the room and close the door behind them.


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## LPBeier (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, Violet did go with me.  Dad was asleep but she jumped up so very gently he didn't even notice, but when she put her head on his leg his hand gradually went to her.  They stayed like that for probably 45 minutes.  It was so awesome.  I wished I could have taken a picture as they were peacefully sleeping.  

One of the nurses came in and asked if they could hire her! 

The rest of the visit wasn't as good.  He didn't like that I changed the night worker to a day one because he was sleeping most of the night and is restless and needy in the morning when they are trying to get everyone up for breakfast.  He agreed with me and then complained to my sister and then told the evening nurse that I had promised to spend the night with him.  They are finally realizing that on top of his pain and anxiety he has some dementia as well.

I am very tired, discouraged and scared.  I really don't know how this is all going to turn out.  My sister is the same.  But I have faith that all will work it's way out.  The main thing is that Dad not suffer as he has been.


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## Bolas De Fraile (Feb 18, 2012)

LP mate I visit this thread every day.There is nothing anyone can say to help apart from knowing others care.


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## LPBeier (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks, Bolas.  I appreciate your sentiment.  I draw great strength from everyone here at DC.


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## TATTRAT (Feb 18, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> I am very tired, discouraged and scared.  I really don't know how this is all going to turn out.  My sister is the same.  But I have faith that all will work it's way out.  The main thing is that Dad not suffer as he has been.



I can understand, and appreciate the gravity of your situation. I am so sorry that your dad is going through this, as well as you and the family, but for what it's worth, we are pulling for you all.

More positive thoughts and energy heading your way!


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## Barbara L (Feb 18, 2012)

As hard as it may be, take the complaining in stride.  My dad was the same way, and who can blame them. When someone has been so vital and independent for most of his life, and then he is stuck in a body that no longer works, and has to depend on others for everything, it is so hard on him. I think my dad's sense of dignity suffered most of all, knowing that we were seeing him that way. Just remember, when he complains it is just because he is not in control.  Of course, I know you know all of this.    We are continuing to pray for your dad, and for you and Tony.


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## cara (Feb 18, 2012)

Laurie,
my thoughts are with you.
Believe me, I know how you feel.. as I read your story I see my Dad lying in his hospital bed, going downhill almost every hour..
there was some of us (sisters/brothers/Mother) with him for 24h. The last three days at the ICU and finally he was relieved from his pain....

And it all started with a broken elbow........


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 18, 2012)

LP, it's obvious to me that the antidepressant they started him on is not working, they need to change it.  It has been a couple of weeks, there should be_ some _signs it is starting to work by now.  

I am very glad for the reaction of the staff to Violet, how is she doing?  Still moping at home or is she a bit perkier?


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## LPBeier (Feb 18, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> LP, it's obvious to me that the antidepressant they started him on is not working, they need to change it.  It has been a couple of weeks, there should be_ some _signs it is starting to work by now.
> 
> I am very glad for the reaction of the staff to Violet, how is she doing?  Still moping at home or is she a bit perkier?


The two weeks for the antidepressant is Monday and the doctor is going to review it then.  But I agree with you that it isn't working well.  We STILL don't have the results of the urine culture and the hemoglobin which is unsettling.

Violet is still clinging to me, but is eating better, more playful and generally much happier.  Every time I come home from seeing Dad she sniffs me and I am sure she can smell him on me and probably knows that is a good thing!  We will be taking both dogs up tomorrow afternoon as hubby will come with me.  Joie tends to be more hyper there and if he barks one of us can take him out.  But Dad loves both of them.


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## vitauta (Feb 18, 2012)

aren't dogs remarkable, tho?  i wonder if they know how wonderfully therapeutic they are for us humans at times....


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## Addie (Feb 18, 2012)

vitauta said:


> aren't dogs remarkable, tho? i wonder if they know how wonderfully therapeutic they are for us humans at times....


 
I think they do. That is why they pine for their owners when they are taken away. They think they are the only ones who can cure them.


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

Well, we didn't take the dogs up on the weekend as Dad has taken another turn.  He is sleeping a lot and when he is awake he is very demanding and needy.  

He called me at 6:30 last night because he didn't have any Kleenex.  I said I would pop by (15 minutes away) but would just park in the 15 minute parking lot, bring it up and kiss him goodnight.  When I got there two aides were trying to make him comfortable and he rudely dismissed them saying his daughter was here.  I ended up staying for 45 minutes listening to him complain about everything and when I said I really had to go he just said "Fine, then go".  He wouldn't let me kiss him and as soon as I made two steps toward the door he pushed his buzzer.  I am told these mood swings are normal and I am trying to take it in stride but it is so hard to see him like this.

He is eating and drinking less and so we have a call into the care coordinator and doctor about having him assessed for hospice.  We still have the outside worker coming up 7am to 1 pm and that is helping take pressure off the unit staff and us.


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## DaveSoMD (Feb 20, 2012)

They are going to check all his meds aren't they?  These mood swings might be an interaction between meds or they might be being magnified by them. Like Rx steroids really really can have a effect on a person's mood and cause mood swings and anger. 

Just a thought....


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

It's a good thought Dave.  Thanks my friend.

They are monitoring the meds on a regular basis.  The Hydromorph may affect his moods, but is the only thing that is keeping his pain levels down.  They have a PRN of Ativan but they don't give it to him soon enough and he is totally convinced it doesn't work (part of the mood swings).  They were going to talk to the doctor about changing that to an injectable as he has a butterfly port in his arm already for the hydromorph.

I just got a call from our worker as she is now off duty and he is very calm and sleeping so far today.  She told him I would be there at 4 and he said that was good.


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## DaveSoMD (Feb 20, 2012)

That's some strong stiff (Hydromorph).  Giving the other in liquid form would help it take effect faster. Let's hope they get that worked out.  At least he is resting for the moment and getting some sleep.


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

Yes, hydromorph is strong stuff.  Two friends of mine that were "being kept comfortable" were given it at the end of their battles with cancer. 

We are still awaiting the results on all the tests they insisted they do.  The chest and stomach xrays have not been done but I don't see a point because he would have to be taken across the street to the hospital for these and the trip, whether by wheelchair or ambulance would not be easy on him.


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## DaveSoMD (Feb 20, 2012)

Did they want the xrays because they suspect something or trying to rule things out?


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

They want a chest xray to see how his COPD is - whether it is progressing or staying the same.  I think they also want to make sure he isn't aspirating anything into his lungs.

They want a stomach x-ray to find out why he is having so much pain there.  We have known for a year that he has prostrate cancer but because of his age, the early stage it was in and his other health issues, they didn't want to treat it and he agreed.  Now they just want to make sure it hasn't spread to the stomach and/or other areas.

They have said all the tests are just to see what is going on and whether treatment will help or delay the inevitable.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 20, 2012)

They need to work on getting him the Ativan sooner, by the time he is anxious it's almost a little too late.  He should be able to have 0.5 - 1 mg about every three hours without it snowing him.


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> They need to work on getting him the Ativan sooner, by the time he is anxious it's almost a little too late.  He should be able to have 0.5 - 1 mg about every three hours without it snowing him.


Thanks, PF, that's how I feel, and it is good to know I am right.

I want to thank EVERYONE for letting be blab on about all this and for your encouragement, help and support.  With family and staff I have to be the strong one who looks after everything but inside I sometimes just need to get it all out - my questions, fears, frustrations.  Hope I don't bore anyone.  I just need a place to let it all out.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 20, 2012)

Heh!  His doctor would be tired of me by now...I've done End-of-Life care for 12 years now, I'm still the expert in our facility and work with our MD's to get what the patients need for comfort.  Hydromorphone does not last very long in the system, it's a fast acting, fast leaving pain medication.  He should be on a long acting like MSContin (twice a day) and the Hydromorphone for breakthrough pain.  The Ativan more regularly will also extend the effects of the pain medication.


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## Addie (Feb 20, 2012)

LP, if you couldn't come here and let it all come out, we wouldn't be very good caring friends. I don't care if you fill up five pages with just one post. You just need to know that you have all our hearts and prayers. It is not easy to stand by being and feeling so helpless while a loved one is so ill.


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## DaveSoMD (Feb 20, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> Hydromorphone does not last very long in the system, it's a fast acting, fast leaving pain medication.  He should be on a long acting like MSContin (twice a day) and the Hydromorphone for breakthrough pain.



That's what I know it being used for, Brian got it for breakthrough pain after his knee and hip replacements.


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## taxlady (Feb 20, 2012)

I don't reply much to this thread because I really don't know what to say. Know that I would give you hugs if you were nearby and that I am sending caring vibes in your direction.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 20, 2012)

DaveSoMD said:


> That's what I know it being used for, Brian got it for breakthrough pain after his knee and hip replacements.



Yes, there are better choices for long-term coverage.  Starting and stopping pain medication is detrimental, which is what happens if you are giving short acting pain meds.  You don't get the benefit of long periods pain-free.  By the time you can have it again, the pain is already hard to overcome. 

Delirium and confusion can be caused by pain; long-term, scheduled coverage will stop those peaks and valleys, lessening the mental effects pain can have.

Younger people can handle pain better, they have ways to cope that the elderly do not have.  We start medicating as soon as someone reports pain @ 4 out of 10, function is being effected by 5 and higher.


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## bakechef (Feb 20, 2012)

This brings me back to September with my dad, it sounds pretty much the same.  

It was the hardest thing that I have had to go through to date.

My thoughts are with you, stay strong.


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

taxlady said:


> I don't reply much to this thread because I really don't know what to say. Know that I would give you hugs if you were nearby and that I am sending caring vibes in your direction.


You just spoke volumes!  Thanks TL.


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## LPBeier (Feb 20, 2012)

bakechef said:


> This brings me back to September with my dad, it sounds pretty much the same.
> 
> It was the hardest thing that I have had to go through to date.
> 
> My thoughts are with you, stay strong.


Bakechef, if this is what you went through then my heart goes out to you.  Thanks for your words and thoughts.


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## purple.alien.giraffe (Feb 21, 2012)

Hi LP. Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your dad and family all find comfort of mind and body and peace in your hearts.


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## bakechef (Feb 22, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Bakechef, if this is what you went through then my heart goes out to you.  Thanks for your words and thoughts.



I live 1000 miles away, so my mom took the brunt of it.  My dad became very needy and easily agitated, sometimes violent.  This was so far from his normal personality, he was the most easy going, loveable guy that you could ever meet.

My mom lived at the hospital for the last two weeks.  I drove home, not expecting to see him alive, but he was still holding on, and was able to mutter out a "hi Mikey".  Within hours he was no longer responding to anyone, just very uncomfortable and irritable.  The nurses there were fantastic and kept him as comfortable as they possibly could.

My heart aches for you, knowing what you have to go through.  It's amazing how you find the strength to cope.


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## LPBeier (Feb 22, 2012)

Today would have been my parents' 65th wedding anniversary.  My Mom passed away 18 years ago next month and today we had my Dad assessed for hospice/palliative care.  It has been quite a day.

After several phone calls with doctors, case managers, care coordinators, my sister and a bedside chat with Dad, it has been decided that he is not palliative at this time; however, he is ready for long term care.  Dad is okay with this and I, as his primary caregiver for the last three years do feel it is time - for all our sakes.  

When this happens I don't know.  The care coordinator doesn't seem in any hurry to have him leave, but at the same time we are paying a lot of money (Dad's money) for extra care that her staff can't provide.  I am at my pain clinic tomorrow, but hopefully my sister can get hold of the case manager who works out of the facility he is in now to do the assessment soon and get him on "the list".

On top of all of this, I had to start phoning people regarding Dad.  His original cleaning lady just happened to be back with the company temporarily and was so excited to come and see him she traded with our current one, only to find out he wasn't here and was doing poorly.  He has gone to a senior's day program for the last 2 years and I had to tell them he would not be back.  They cried and asked me to please keep them posted.  Even the scheduler for our care workers broke down when I told her and she said his two workers have been asking when would he be back.

But tonight I am, for the first time in at least a month, feel a huge calm coming over me.  Soon things will be settled.  Soon he will at least know this is where he will be for however long he is still in this world.  He was not feeling well at all when I saw him but he seemed brighter and finding it easier to cope.  That means a lot to me.

If you had told me three years ago I would be dealing with all I have been I don't think I would have brought him home......so I am sure glad I didn't know then.


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## GB (Feb 22, 2012)

{{{{{{{{Laurie}}}}}}}} I am sending you as much love and support as you can stand.


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## LPBeier (Feb 22, 2012)

GB said:


> {{{{{{{{Laurie}}}}}}}} I am sending you as much love and support as you can stand.


Thanks, GB, I can take all you've got!  I feel so loved and supported by you and all my dear friends here as well as my church community and extended family.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 22, 2012)

More hugs, Laurie!  This has to be a big relief for you and for your Dad, to finally know what is going to happen.  Here for you!


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## LPBeier (Feb 23, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> More hugs, Laurie!  This has to be a big relief for you and for your Dad, to finally know what is going to happen.  Here for you!


Thanks your Ogreness!  Can you tell me how to get around a unit Care Coordinator who seems to hold all the cards and wants to dig her heels in on getting this going?


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 23, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Thanks your Ogreness!  Can you tell me how to get around a unit Care Coordinator who seems to hold all the cards and wants to dig her heels in on getting this going?



Talk to her boss.  This should not be a long process, she only seems to hold the cards, there are others who can get the ball rolling for you!


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## Addie (Feb 23, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Thanks your Ogreness! Can you tell me how to get around a unit Care Coordinator who seems to hold all the cards and wants to dig her heels in on getting this going?


 
It is usually the last piece of advice I would give anyone. But go over her head. Everybody has a boss. Let her boss know she is dragging her heels. And try to make it sound like you are running out of money. No hospital wants to care for a patient that is going to cost them big bucks. Team medicine is great. But every so often you get a kink in that team. And it sounds like the CC is that kink. You will make an enemy of her. But your primary concern is your father. Good Luck! Prayers are in the flow right now.


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## Addie (Feb 23, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> Talk to her boss. This should not be a long process, she only seems to hold the cards, there are others who can get the ball rolling for you!


 
We are of the same mind. That is scary.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 23, 2012)

Addie said:


> We are of the same mind. That is scary.



Obviously we have some of the same life experiences...you on one side and me on the other!  So, you said you are how old and you think like a 51 year old...


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## Addie (Feb 23, 2012)

PrincessFiona60 said:


> Obviously we have some of the same life experiences...you on one side and me on the other! So, you said you are how old and you think like a 51 year old...


 
73 next month. I have been through so much medically, that I am almost an expert. I have lost count of the number of surgeries I have had. The first one when I was three hours old. I was a preemie with a lot of health problems. My adnoids were down near the flare of my nostrils instead of up at the top of the nose. As you know, babies breath through their nose. I couldn't breath. I still have the scar in the roof of my mouth were they went in to remove my adnoids. At three months mastoids were removed from both ears. From there tonsils, I&D's. Too many to keep track of. And just too many more to remember. But I still have my mine. I think.


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## LPBeier (Feb 23, 2012)

Thanks, Addie and Fiona - for the advice and the humour! 

I can actually go side-ways instead of up!  There is a case manager who will be doing the actual assessment and we really like her.  My sister called since I wrote that bit and said that she will call this case manager tomorrow and say that we can't afford $240 per day for someone to do the job the care coordinator's staff should be doing so could she give us an idea of when Dad can be assessed and put on the list, and how long a wait.  Then I am going to cut back the care worker to just one or two four hour periods when Dad needs her the most and let the unit staff do the rest.

This has actually been really good for my relationship with my sister.  We are working together and are closer than we have every been.  That in itself would make my Dad happy!


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## Addie (Feb 23, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Thanks, Addie and Fiona - for the advice and the humour!
> 
> I can actually go side-ways instead of up! There is a case manager who will be doing the actual assessment and we really like her. My sister called since I wrote that bit and said that she will call this case manager tomorrow and say that we can't afford $240 per day for someone to do the job the care coordinator's staff should be doing so could she give us an idea of when Dad can be assessed and put on the list, and how long a wait. Then I am going to cut back the care worker to just one or two four hour periods when Dad needs her the most and let the unit staff do the rest.
> 
> This has actually been really good for my relationship with my sister. We are working together and are closer than we have every been. That in itself would make my Dad happy!


 
Glad to hear the good news. Money always talks. And I am happy about you and your sister. As you get older, you slowly realize what is and what's not important in life. Family is *always *at the top of the list of "what is."


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 23, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Thanks, Addie and Fiona - for the advice and the humour!
> 
> I can actually go side-ways instead of up!  There is a case manager who will be doing the actual assessment and we really like her.  My sister called since I wrote that bit and said that she will call this case manager tomorrow and say that we can't afford $240 per day for someone to do the job the care coordinator's staff should be doing so could she give us an idea of when Dad can be assessed and put on the list, and how long a wait.  Then I am going to cut back the care worker to just one or two four hour periods when Dad needs her the most and let the unit staff do the rest.
> 
> This has actually been really good for my relationship with my sister.  We are working together and are closer than we have every been.  That in itself would make my Dad happy!



Perfect, Laurie!


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## CWS4322 (Feb 23, 2012)

Laurie--I am sending you positive energy. Like so many here, I am also sharing your pain. It is so very hard to be in the position you are in. I'm so glad you came back to DC so that we could be here for you at this difficult time. Hugs and prayers.


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## Claire (Feb 23, 2012)

For what it is worth, thank your lucky stars that your father is OK with having to have full time care.  If I had a dime for every older friend or relative who resented any help whatsoever, I'd be rich.  They are so (and, to some degree, I can sympathize) resentful of every loss of autonomy that they make themselves sick and everyone around them miserable.  In other words, believe it or not, things can be worse.  I hope all goes well, my thoughts are with you,


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## Andy M. (Feb 23, 2012)

Laurie, it's a good thing this is falling into place for you and your dad.  The pressure on you has been huge.  We will keep you all in our thoughts.


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## buckytom (Feb 23, 2012)

that's great about you and your sister, lp. i'm sure would want nothing more than to see his family together.


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## simonbaker (Feb 23, 2012)

My prayers are with your family during this difficult time.


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## jabbur (Feb 26, 2012)

Laurie, hoping that things are continuing to improve for you and your dad.  It's always hard to see our parents declining.  Your dad sounds like mine.  When in pain, nothing is right and he can be really mean and say hurtful things.  Praying that the meds and the placement are coming together for him and for you.


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## jonnyjonny_uk (Feb 26, 2012)

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!!


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## LPBeier (Feb 26, 2012)

Thanks everyone.

I haven't reported all weekend because I was either too busy with what was happening or too tired to even think.

Friday night I went up to see Dad.  The plan was we would watch the Canuck's game and have dinner together.  He was in his wheelchair when I arrived which he hasn't been much lately.  Things went well during the first period and then started to slowly decline.  He got tired, only had about 2oz of ensure and 4 oz of milk for dinner and I started to hear a bit of congestion in his chest.

He made it through the game and they put him to bed as soon as it was over.  I left when he was settled and he was barely able to stay awake - this was over three hours.

I got a call at 10:30 pm that his oxygen levels were way down, he was having trouble breathing and he was extremely agitated.  DH and I were there within 20 minutes and his condition had dropped considerably.  I asked Dad if he wanted to go to the hospital (he was on a strict DNR which meant only keep him comfortable which he clearly was not).  He said yes and I literally ran for the nurse to change the order and get an ambulance.  My sister arrived as they were wheeling him out and we all walked across the street to emergency.  He was already inside when we arrived and it was at least 30 minutes before we were allowed in.

I will shorten the detail now.  My sister and I stayed until 3 in the morning.  Dad has aspirating pneumonia - meaning he swallowed something into his lung and it infected.  This is a risk we have been living with for two years now.  He has been "eating at risk" on a modified puree diet.  We have been told that this could be fatal but he wanted to eat rather than having a feeding tube.  He is being kept at a much better level of comfortable and they are giving him anti-biotic but the chances of it working are fairly low.  This is the highest level of care they can give him under his wishes.  The doctor he has is awesome - we had her last time and her father and mine actually knew each other back in Saskatchewan.

On top of all of this we had to clean out his room at the convalescent care facility.  

My sister is in denial, saying Dad has pulled through before and will probably remain in this state for months.  I understand - he had pulled miracles before.  I, on the other hand, are leaving the details to the One and taking it step by step.

I now have to make lists of things to do from deciding funeral arrangements, talking to the care-coordinator about putting Dad on the list for long term care should he need it, stopping services to the house as he won't be coming here any more (oxygen, lifeline, his phone), calling his friends, etc.  At least I can do this at his bedside.

Thanks all for your words, prayers, encouragement.  It is going a long way to get me through this.


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## taxlady (Feb 26, 2012)

(((hugs Laurie)))


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 26, 2012)

Treating for comfort is always an appropriate option, I'm glad you understand that he will not fully recover to his prior baseline status.  Your Dad's comfort and ease of breathing is of the utmost at this time.

As always, feel free to e-mail me with questions and any other assist I  can provide. Love you!


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## Vanilla Bean (Feb 26, 2012)

I'm sorry.  I haven't been on in awhile. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Dawgluver (Feb 26, 2012)

So sorry, Laurie.  {{{hugs}}}


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## Kayelle (Feb 26, 2012)

Laurie, all this brings back so many memories for me.  I remember well what you are going through and you and your family are most certainly in my prayers.  I hope you know that down the road you will be able to stand tall and proud that you did everything possible on this earth for your Dad.  It will be counted and not be forgotten.  Sending many blessings...


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## purple.alien.giraffe (Feb 26, 2012)

I'm glad you are taking things a step at a time. I'm also glad you and your sister have grown closer through this. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.


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## buckytom (Feb 27, 2012)

my heart goes out to you and your family, lp, prayers closely behind.


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## LPBeier (Feb 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone.

When I went up this afternoon to see Dad I was horrified to see him in a state of panic.  He didn't know where he was, he was saying he keeps calling out but no one has come to see him in a week.  He was just not making sense and was in a lot of pain.

I found out that the nurse had not given him his noon pain medication because a speech pathologist was coming to re-do a swallow test they couldn't do in the morning because he was too groggy.  Then the nurse went to lunch.  In the meantime the doctor talked to me and (like my sister and I figured), the antibiotics are not helping the aspiration pneumonia and were actually weakening him.  

So, I had to make the very difficult decision to take him off all medication except the pain and sedative meds.  He can't eat or drink anything and is just getting a saline drip.  They are calling in the palliative doctor tomorrow to see if he can be moved there.  We have no idea how long he will hold on, but my sister, DH and I are all comfortable with my decision - we can't stand to see him suffer anymore.

So, I have my cell phone with me all the time, am making a list of all the things I/we have to do and trying not to think that I basically signed my Dad's death.  I hope he knows I did it out of love.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Feb 27, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> When I went up this afternoon to see Dad I was horrified to see him in a state of panic.  He didn't know where he was, he was saying he keeps calling out but no one has come to see him in a week.  He was just not making sense and was in a lot of pain.
> 
> ...



We all know you have done everything out of love, Sweetie!  Your Dad knows too, even though he can't say so right now.  It is now time for His Reward.  Love, Hugs and Prayers for all of you!


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## Barbara L (Feb 27, 2012)

He knows you have done everything out of love sweetie. I wish I had the right words, but you know that I just went through this as well, and my heart is there with you all. We love you and are praying for you, as well as for comfort and peace for your dad.


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## Addie (Feb 27, 2012)

Laurie, anytime you need to vent or have someone to talk to, there is always someone here who can't sleep, or is doing nothing. 

Your father is very fortunate to have two daughters that are capable of making very difficult decisions out of love. He did an amazing job raising his daughters. You haven't signed his death, you have signed his release from pain and to take the next step to receive all the love he deserves. 

If anyone has negative words to say to you, don't listen. They have not walked in your shoes. They do not have the pain in their heart that you have in yours.

Cling to your sister for support. Remember she is hurting also. On the way home, why don't the two of you find a church where you can just slip in and find some inner peace. It is amazing what a place of worship can do at a time like this. It doesn't have to be a place of your faith. God is everywhere. And mostly He is in your hurting heart. If you want to get angry at Him, go ahead. He heart is big enough to love you and forgive. If you want to cry, go ahead. He will put his arm arund you and hold you while he dries your tears. He will fill you with resolve to carry on to finish the mission He has given you. You did not make this decison alone. God was there with you and will stay with you as long as you need him. 

Godd will bless you. Of that I have no doubt. And remember we are here for you any time of day and night.


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## LPBeier (Feb 28, 2012)

Thanks, Addie, Barbara and Fiona.

I am feeling a little more settled with the decision and got a chance to talk to a lady from our church who just lost her Mom to Cancer.  She looked after her Mom much like I have Dad and we have also both found ourselves isolated from church and friends.  We are going to keep in touch and that is such a great feeling.

Tomorrow I have my pain clinic and other than having my cell phone with me constantly, I am going to try to put it all aside for my time there.  My sister is taking the day off to be with Dad and meet with the Palliative Care doctor so that is really great.

Another snag in things is my asthma has kicked into high gear and I had to go back on prednisone today.  It always elevates my moods and gives me more insomnia than I already have.  It is almost midnight here and I have to get up at 5 am.  Hopefully I can get some sleep between.


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## tinlizzie (Feb 28, 2012)

Just wanted to express continuing sympathetic thoughts for you and your sister in this difficult time.


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## Soma (Feb 28, 2012)

Will do, LP. It's never easy. I lost my mom a year ago, and Dad is now 86, alone at the retirement home, and saying he is losing his interest in carrying on living. He doesn't want company, just wants to be left alone to ponder his life, where he might be going next etc....

My hubby and I still kidnap him once a week to take him out for a jaunt....but it's just a hard thing to watch, as you say. And it also gives us a glimpse of our own mortality - not easy.

Be well, stay strong....my prayers are with you also.


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## GB (Feb 28, 2012)

Your dad know Laurie. Don't ever doubt that. You show your love out in the open. It is not hidden. He can see that, but he also knows that because he knows you.

You are going through one of the most difficult things you ever will, but you are doing the right things even though they are so very difficult. Your dad is lucky to have you and I am sure he knows that!


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## LPBeier (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi everyone.

This will be quick as I am on my net stick and don't have a lot of time on it.  Dad has been moved to hospice about a half hour or so from our house but near my in-laws.  I will be going home soon but will be staying with them for the weekend and will try and check in once in awhile.

Thanks for all your support.  You are part of what is getting me through (along with faith and family).


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## Dawgluver (Mar 1, 2012)

Stay strong, Laurie.  Thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## CWS4322 (Mar 1, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> This will be quick as I am on my net stick and don't have a lot of time on it.  Dad has been moved to hospice about a half hour or so from our house but near my in-laws.  I will be going home soon but will be staying with them for the weekend and will try and check in once in awhile.
> 
> Thanks for all your support.  You are part of what is getting me through (along with faith and family).


Laurie, what you have done is a courage badge. You have not signed your Dad's death warrant--please don't feel that way--you have done what had to be done out of love. Your dad is pretty special to have someone love him as much as you do. And, that probably is a two-way street. You have put your dad first--as hard as it is for you. You have given your dad the greatest gift you could give him. My thoughts and prayers are with you--I know this has not been an easy road for you, but you've handled it with grace and dignity. Hold tight to your support network, friends, and family. You definitely most loved.


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## Andy M. (Mar 1, 2012)

Any dad would be fortunate to have a daughter like you who cares so lovingly for her dad.  There is no doubt he feels this love and it's important to him.

You all are in our thoughts.


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## LPBeier (Mar 2, 2012)

My Dad passed away very peacefully at about 1 am (PST) this morning.  I too am very much at peace.  While I wasn't there, I suspected and said my goodbyes before I left him last night.  Now there are the details to attend to but I feel strong.  This is not to say I am not grieving - I just know he is no longer in pain and I did what I could to help him.

Thanks everyone for your prayers, thoughts, support, encouragement, hugs, love.  I still need it all.


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## GB (Mar 2, 2012)

May he rest in peace! I am glad you were able to be there for him Laurie. As hard as this is, you seem to be in as good a place as can be expected right now. Continue to stay strong and know you have tremendous support surrounding you.


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## MrsLMB (Mar 2, 2012)

You have been a very strong woman and daughter and I know he is very appreciative of your strength.

Be at peace and remember all the good things as you come to terms with all of this.

We are here for you anytime you need us.


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## Addie (Mar 2, 2012)

Laurie, you were the very best daughter that any aging parent could ask for. Your father is now in God's arms and at peace. Remember to turn to your sister for support as she needs you right now. And know that we are here for you. We all love you.


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## taxlady (Mar 2, 2012)

(((hugs Laurie)))

At the memorial for my mother, the Unitarian minister said, among many things, "We are not relieved that Elisabeth died. We are relieved that she stopped dying."

Remember to take care of yourself.


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## CWS4322 (Mar 2, 2012)

(((HUGS))). My thoughts are with you, Laurie.


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## Andy M. (Mar 2, 2012)

Our deepest sympathies, Laurie.  May your dad rest in peace.


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## vitauta (Mar 2, 2012)

so sorry for your loss, laurie.  you carried your dad through troubled times ever so gently to the resting place where he is finally at peace.  may you draw peace and comfort for yourself now from your sister, family and the people who love you.


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## Kayelle (Mar 2, 2012)

((((((((((Laurie))))))))))))  Right now you feel love of setting him free from dying.  What a profound quote from that minister, TL.

 Sadly, you've now joined the club of adult orphans, and when it sets in, it's truly a jolting revelation. It's good that you have your sister to share that sorrow with. 

Praying for your peace in the days ahead ((((((Laurie)))))))).


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## Barbara L (Mar 2, 2012)

LPBeier said:


> My Dad passed away very peacefully at about 1 am (PST) this morning.  I too am very much at peace.  While I wasn't there, I suspected and said my goodbyes before I left him last night.  Now there are the details to attend to but I feel strong.  This is not to say I am not grieving - I just know he is no longer in pain and I did what I could to help him.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your prayers, thoughts, support, encouragement, hugs, love.  I still need it all.


I am praying for you sweetie. You are amazingly strong, but you have One even stronger to hold you up as you go through all of this, so rely on Him. I will be gone all day, but any time you want to talk, if I am here, you can talk my "ears" off.

I just let James know, and he said that he is very sorry. We both love you very much.


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## jusnikki (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi LP, Sorry to hear about your dad. You have to remember to take care of yourself too. It's easy to get caught up in running back and forth and everything that goes with it. I pray that your dad continues to rest easy and for you and your family.


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## purple.alien.giraffe (Mar 2, 2012)

LPBeier said:
			
		

> My Dad passed away very peacefully at about 1 am (PST) this morning.  I too am very much at peace.  While I wasn't there, I suspected and said my goodbyes before I left him last night.  Now there are the details to attend to but I feel strong.  This is not to say I am not grieving - I just know he is no longer in pain and I did what I could to help him.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your prayers, thoughts, support, encouragement, hugs, love.  I still need it all.



You still have it all. I'm glad you feel at peace and I hope your sister finds peace too.


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## Dawgluver (Mar 2, 2012)

This has been such a difficult journey for you and for your dad, Laurie.  So glad you both have finally found peace.  My deepest sympathies.


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## tinlizzie (Mar 2, 2012)

purple.alien.giraffe said:


> You still have it all. I'm glad you feel at peace and I hope your sister finds peace too.


 
PAG said it well for what I am sure is many of us.


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## LPBeier (Mar 2, 2012)

purple.alien.giraffe said:


> You still have it all. I'm glad you feel at peace and I hope your sister finds peace too.


Thank you all so much for your kind words and love.

PAG, my sister is very much at peace.  We have had two good long talks and are on the same page on everything.


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## simonbaker (Mar 2, 2012)

I am sorry for your loss laurie. My thoughts & prayers are with you & your sister. God's peace to you both.


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## DaveSoMD (Mar 2, 2012)

{{{{{Laurie}}}}} I am so sorry for your loss.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Tony, and your sister.


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## babetoo (Mar 2, 2012)

be at peace, my friend. you gave your dad all you had to give. i am sure that made his passing easier for him. job well done, dear heart.


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## PrincessFiona60 (Mar 2, 2012)

Bless you, Laurie! I am so sorry for your loss and relieved for your Dad's Peace and Reward.  Love you!


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## cara (Mar 3, 2012)

_Do not stand at my grave and weep; 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow; 
I am diamond glints of snow; 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain; 
I am the gentle autumn's rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush; 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
of quiet birds encircled flight 
I am the soft star that shines at night 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there, I did not die.

(unknown author)_

Laurie, I'm sorry for you loss and, be sure, I know how you feel.. 
It will hurt for the rest of your life, and there will be days where it's better and there are days, when it is really bad.
And there will be this moments, when it strucks you out of the sudden, like it does now with me - the moments when you think you get along with that and something happens that makes you miss him like hell.

Life will never be the same without his love, his words, his humor... but it is still there, it's inside you and noone can take this away from you, it's his treasure he gave to you.


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## Bolas De Fraile (Mar 3, 2012)

LP mate its time to live now.


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## Somebunny (Mar 3, 2012)

Laurie, I was so sad to read of the passing of your dad.  It is never easy to lose a loved one and I know you were really close to your dad.  Be thankful for the time you had together and keep the good times close in your heart.   I lost my dad suddenly in January, we had not been very close in many years and I am finding it difficult to come to terms with his death.  I hope that the good relationship you shared with your dad will make it easier for you to understand and to grieve.
You should be proud of the wonderful job you did of caring for your father, he was a lucky man with 2 good daughters.


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## msmofet (Mar 3, 2012)

You and your family are in my thougthts and prayers. XOXOXOXOXOX


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## Whiskadoodle (Mar 3, 2012)

LP -- My  deepest sympathy to you and your family.  You are in my thoughts and prayers today.


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## vitauta (Mar 3, 2012)

mary frye is the author of the poem,  "do not stand by my grave..."


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## PattY1 (Mar 3, 2012)

Laurie- I don't know what to say that hasn't been already said. Take comfort that a lot of people on DC care for and are thinking of you at this time.


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## jabbur (Mar 3, 2012)

Laurie, I'm so sorry to hear your dad passed away.  I know how much you loved him.  I'm glad you are at peace with the difficult decisions you had to make.  May God continue to bring you and your family the comfort of His love and compassion as you move forward.  Love and Hugs to you!


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## Merlot (Mar 3, 2012)

I have always read your posts, more often then not mentioning the time you have spent with your father.  I am very sorry to hear of his passing.


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## Alix (Mar 5, 2012)

Laurie, I've been away a bit and I'm sorry I missed this post. Sending you love and hugs my friend. May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.


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## Katie H (Mar 5, 2012)

Laurie, others have said what I've thought and wanted to say so all I'll tell you is now you can feel the weight lifting and cherish all the good memories.  There will be many unexpected triggers that will bring your father back and they will wash you in comfort.

My daddy died in 1973 and, even now, every time I see an historical marker at a state or national park, I smile and feel him nearby.  He loved our country and took every opportunity to make sure we children appreciated it.  In time, these markers became known as "hysterical" markers because of his enthusiasm.

See, I'll bet you're smiling, too, because there will be similar occasions when your father will be there.

Take care of yourself.


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## LPBeier (Mar 5, 2012)

Thank you everyone.  I wish I could respond to each and every one of you because everything you have said I hold near and dear to my heart. Please know that I have read them over and over for comfort.

I will leave this thread open for another day or two in case there is anyone who missed it and wants to comment. But then I will close it so I may go on and just be another member because what I really need is to be part of my wonderful DC family again. 

At the moment I am knee deep in arrangements, decisions, phone calls, etc. and so will pop in every chance I can for a dose of love!


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## CWS4322 (Mar 5, 2012)

Love you back! Take good care, LP.


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## JoAnn L. (Mar 5, 2012)

LP. I am so sorry to hear about your dad passing. May time ease the pain that no words can. JoAnn


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## msmofet (Mar 5, 2012)

Xxxxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoo


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