# Joke of the Day



## Alix (Dec 20, 2006)

Feel free to add your own. Remember our PG rating please.


Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. 
I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.​


Josh Who?
My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.
Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. 
I explained that he hadn't left his last name.
Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.
So I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."​

For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water? 
A chicken sandwitch!​

When a witch falls into a pond what is the first thing that she does? 
Get wet!
What did the witch say to the ugly toad?
"I'd put a curse on you but it looks like someone already beat me to it"!​

What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
All of them, busses don't jump!​


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## TATTRAT (Dec 20, 2006)

thanks,Alix! I needed a chuckle!

What kinda fish has 2 knees?

...a two-knee fish.


sorry, the kids one up there brought it out.


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## Michelemarie (Dec 20, 2006)

Very cute! This is one we say to my 2-year old son all the time - he is a bit slow in the talking department - he calls Santa "ho ho hooooo" and he calls snow "no". After the rain last week and the snow disappearing, he keeps saying, "ma, no no" for "no snow".  Anyways, here is our joke:

What does Santa say when he falls down the stairs?

Ho No!


I think it is cuter coming from a two-year old, but oh well.


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## boufa06 (Dec 21, 2006)

While visiting the U.S. after attending a Jaycee world congress, I was invited to a party given by some fellow Jaycee members.  During the party and while holding a handful of cocktail nuts, the door bell rang.  Since I was next to the door, someone called out to me to open it.  Unable to do so, with the nuts in my hand, I exclaimed, "I can't open the door while holding my nuts!"  The ruckus laughter that followed left me a bit befuddled.  When realizing what I had just said, I joined in too!!


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## QSis (Dec 21, 2006)

What goes "Ho Ho Ho  THUD?"

Santa Claus laughing his head off.


(love that joke)

Lee


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## Michelemarie (Dec 21, 2006)

Very cute!


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## Alix (Dec 21, 2006)

Oh man, I am LMAO here. Keep 'em coming folks. Boufa, I loved the nuts thing. That is something I would do.


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## angelbear9114 (Dec 21, 2006)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

-A sitck


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## shpj4 (Dec 21, 2006)

Alix your Joke Of The Day was great and I really enjoyed reading it.  I love to laugh and Jolie my Toy Poodle gets all excited when I do.

Happy Holidays.


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## TexasTamale (Dec 21, 2006)

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. 
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. 
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. 
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. 
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. 
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. 
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. 
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." 
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot..... 
Then the parrot says, "By the way, just what did the chicken do?"


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## Insty-Grill (Dec 21, 2006)

Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????


--cz its 2 cold outide


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## TexasTamale (Dec 21, 2006)

Insty-Grill said:
			
		

> Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????
> 
> 
> --cz its 2 cold outide


 







LOL! Love it!!!!


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## Andy M. (Dec 22, 2006)

*Churches in Las Vegas*

Las Vegas Churches 

*THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

  THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS!  *​
*
**YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU **? **GOTCHA !!* ​

​


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## boufa06 (Dec 22, 2006)

A florist was delivering two bouquets of flowers.  One of them was to be sent to someone who had just moved into his new home and the other to a someone who had passed away.  During delivery, things got mixed up a little.  The bouquet for the deceased arrived with a card that read "Congratulations!  I knew you deserved it!!."  The other's card said "May you rest in peace in your new environment."


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## Katie H (Dec 22, 2006)

*Apropos of the season!*

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three  men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly  gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each  possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The  first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it  on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"  Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a  set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may  pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching  desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's  glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,  "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're  Carol's."[/FONT]​


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## Barbara L (Dec 22, 2006)

This was in my pastor's newsletter today:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.  Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.  He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.  As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!  Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  So, is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.  Then, he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!  Love, Jillian"
    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating.
    Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
    "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind.  You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got the black eye when you ran into the door."
    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
    His son replies, "Oh THAT!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
 
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $. 38
Saying the right thing at the right time....PRICELESS!


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## Alix (Dec 22, 2006)

*1.     ** Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?*

*2.** Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?*

*3.** If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?*

*4.** If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?*

*5.** Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?*

*6.** Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?*

*7.** Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?*

*8.** Why do "tug" boats push their barges?*

*9.** Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?*

*10.** Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?*

*11.** Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?*

*12.** Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?*

*13.** Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?*

*14.** Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?*

*15.** Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?*

*16.** If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?*

*17.** If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?*

*18.** If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?*

*19.** If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?*

*20.** Why is bra singular and panties plural?*

*21.** Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?*

*22.** Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?*

*23.** How come abbreviated is such a long word?*

*24.** Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?*

*25.** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?*

*26.** Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?*

*27.** Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?*


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## mudbug (Dec 22, 2006)

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish


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## Insty-Grill (Dec 22, 2006)

Wonder if Santa is related to my Polish neighbor!?!

Normally I'm not a gossip.
(I try not to notice, but his eyes always glean with such pride.
His walk can't be just clean, he uses a toothbrush for gosh sake).

Everyday I see more!
He spends hours and hours and I can't believe his pride!

Then I see his wife expectant, and just had to wonder how.
This time I ask; and get:

*YUP!, ...standing up in the hammock!
*

NNNO!! ...tell me I didn't see one (hammock), ...in Santas things?


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## Insty-Grill (Dec 22, 2006)

*Top Secret!*



			
				mudbug said:
			
		

> What nationality is Santa Claus?
> 
> North Polish






*Shshshsh!!* mudbug, .....that was sposed 2 b TOP SECRET!

I can read the headlines now

   CRACKER BREAKS COMBINATION TO SANTAS POLOCK


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## YT2095 (Dec 23, 2006)

a Sausage and Egg in a frying pan, the Sauasage says "is it just me or is it getting a little Hot in here?".
the Egg Screams out, "Oh My God!!!! a Talking Sausage!"

that is my best fave Joke Ever


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## QSis (Dec 23, 2006)

Insty-Grill said:
			
		

> Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????
> 
> 
> --cz its 2 cold outide


 
Good one!  LOL!

Lee


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## GB (Dec 26, 2006)

Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He stayed up all night wondering about the existance of dog.


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## buckytom (Dec 26, 2006)

a grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink.

the bartender pours him the drink, and says "ya know, we have a drink named after you."

the grasshopper replies "you've got a drink named pete?"


 

a horse walks into the bar and orders a drink, and the bartender says, "so, why the long face?"

 

a duck walks into the bar, and asks "got any duck feed?" the bartender says "duckfeed? no."  
so the duck leaves.

the next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks again, "got any duck feed?" the bartender says, "no, this is a bar. we don't have duck feed!"
so the duck leaves.

the next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks yet again, "got any duck feed?"

angrily, the bartender growls "look, we don't have duck feed. we serve drinks here. if you come back in here tomorrow, i'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor. ok?"
so the duck leaves.

the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and says "got any nails?"

the barender says "nails? no."

"got any duck feed?"...


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## boufa06 (Dec 26, 2006)

-How come wrong numbers are never busy? 

 -Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? 

-Does killing time damage eternity? 

 -Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 

 -Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 

 -Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? 

 -How can there be self-help "groups"? 

 -How do you get off a non-stop flight? 

 -How do you write zero in Roman numerals? 

 -How many weeks are there in a light year? 

 -If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? 

 -If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of? 

 -If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? 

 -If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? 

 -Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? 

 -Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? 

-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 [FONT=&quot]
 [/FONT]


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## The Z (Dec 26, 2006)

GB said:
			
		

> Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic?
> .
> He stayed up all night wondering about the existance of dog.



Slightly varied wording:

"He lays awake at night and wonders if there really IS a dog."


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## expatgirl (Dec 26, 2006)

Riddle:  How do you escape from a room that has only a mirror and a table? (no windows, doors, etc)

Answer:  You look in the mirror  and you see what you saw.  You take the saw and saw the table in half.  Two halves make a whole and you climb through.


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## QSis (Dec 27, 2006)

buckytom said:
			
		

> a horse walks into the bar and orders a drink, and the bartender says, "so, why the long face?"


 
Celine Dion walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Bartender says "So, why the long face?"

 Lee


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## Barbara L (Dec 29, 2006)

A visiting minister was very long-winded.  Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher", he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.    Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!"  The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
    After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said, 'Amen, Pharaoh?"
    His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
 
 Barbara


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## Alix (Dec 29, 2006)

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." ​


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## buckytom (Dec 29, 2006)

i've posted this before, but it's a holiday joke, so here goes:

at the end of his homily, a priest said "anything you experience in your life has been written about in the bible. look to it for answers to everything in your life."

after mass, a shy woman walked up to the priest, greeted him, and said, "father, i'm sorry to disagree with you, but i've never heard of anything in the bible about, well... you know. pms, the woman's problem."

the preist thought for a second, and with a smirk turned to the passage in the bible describing the christmas miracle.

"here it is" he replied.

reading aloud, "and mary rode joseph's a$$ all the way to bethlehem"...


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## wasabi (Dec 29, 2006)

Good one Bucky.


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## Barbara L (Jan 1, 2007)

*Seems the BBB got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.* 

*Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. *

*The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.  While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them. *

*I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.* 

*A passer by with a digital camera phone happen** to capture the photo below.  *

*Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.* 

*Good Luck* 

*Don't** say you weren't warned *
*.*
*.*
*.*
*.*
*.*
*.*


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## wasabi (Jan 1, 2007)

Life's lesson......never trust a duck.


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## Alix (Feb 9, 2007)

There seems to be a lot of folks who are sad, crabby, or just plain out of sorts this last week. I thought I'd resurrect this in an effort to cheer people up a bit. Happy Friday all.

This appeared in a Farmington, Utah Newspaper: in August, 2006  
"$10,000   2006  Suzuki GSXR 1000     This bike is perfect! 
It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.
I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. 
Apparently "do whatever the heck you want" didn't mean what I thought.  Call Steve. (801)867-8292​


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## mudbug (Feb 9, 2007)

another phrase to add to the lexicon of wifespeak:

"do whatever the heck you want" really means "it'll be a cold day in he## before I let you do that"


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## Poutine (Feb 9, 2007)

Thought I would give a food themed joke.

Why do hamburgers go to the gym???
v
v
v
v
v
v
To get better buns.


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## TATTRAT (Feb 15, 2007)

How do you make one sweet little old lady say the "F" word?








You have another sweet little old lady yell, BINGO!


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## Poutine (Feb 15, 2007)

Where did the hamburger take his date?
v
v
v
v
v
v
To the Meat Ball

(I love bad jokes )


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## TATTRAT (Feb 15, 2007)

Poutine said:
			
		

> (I love bad jokes )



what do ya call a fish with 2 knees?

A 2knee fish!


Why do golfers carry an extra pair of paints?

Incase they get a ...whole in one...


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## jkath (Feb 15, 2007)

[SIZE=-1]  *New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants:

*[/SIZE] 
[SIZE=-1]  *McDonald's* -- New cooler coffee![/SIZE] 
[SIZE=-1]  *Starbucks *-- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato.[/SIZE] 
[SIZE=-1] * KFC* -- No, we're NOT a rap group.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]And, my personal favorite:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]*Taco Bell *-- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]the same 5 ingredients.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=-1]Feel free to add on to the list!
[/SIZE]


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## Alix (Feb 15, 2007)

Telecom History: Did You Know?  
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.  
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.  
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing.  They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland inhabitants were already using wireless technology.​


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## Renee Attili (Feb 15, 2007)

What is Invisible and smells like carrots?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Bunny Farts!!!!!!!!!


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## americanwit (Feb 15, 2007)

Doctor, Doctor I?ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?


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## Uncle Bob (Feb 15, 2007)

Question...

Why does rain drop and snow fall???


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## Jeekinz (Feb 15, 2007)

It's hard to keep this "PG" but I'll try...

_What two words will clear out a mens bathroom?_
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.
.
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_"Nice 'package'."_
.
.
.
original version rhymes with slick.


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## TATTRAT (Feb 16, 2007)

what is the difference between American beer and a canoe...?


the are both pretty(insert word)close to water.


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## Alix (Feb 20, 2007)

* Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:**** NAIVE*

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

*Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the** Tampa** Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?**
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**If people from** Poland** are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?*
*
***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
**
**If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?**
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

**Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*

**Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?**
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?** (I like this one)**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?** (Hmmmm)
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

**Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**If** it's true ! that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?**
***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *

**Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
**
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*​*
*


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## Jeekinz (Feb 20, 2007)

Alix said:
			
		

> *OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the** Tampa** Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?*​
> 
> 
> **~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**​
> ...




.....well?​


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## Alix (Feb 20, 2007)

Tans?   I'm leaving that one to your imagination.


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## Poutine (Feb 20, 2007)

*Wise cooking advice*

  This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

Aha! Jokes > Food Jokes > Wise cooking advice


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## Jeekinz (Feb 23, 2007)

*For the ladies........*

*One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------**
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."**
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------**
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor**
-----------------------------------------------------------* 
*A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.* 
*The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------**
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN**
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------** -**
Q: Why do little boys whine?**
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------**
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.**
-----------------------------------------------------------**
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.**
-----------------------------------------------------------**
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.**
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"*


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## Alix (Mar 7, 2007)

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." 
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.  The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two
of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. 
Finally they summoned the police.  The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, " the balcony."​


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## TATTRAT (Mar 7, 2007)

why is it called a pair of panties, but only one bra?


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## Renee Attili (Mar 7, 2007)

TATTRAT said:
			
		

> why is it called a pair of panties, but only one bra?


 

I like the fact you appear to be such a deep thinker


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## mudbug (Mar 7, 2007)

*World's Shortest Fairytale*

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End


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## Andy M. (Mar 7, 2007)

mudbug said:
			
		

> Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
> "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
> with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
> full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
> ...


 

Talk about fantastic luck!  That guy really dodged a bullet!


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## mudbug (Mar 7, 2007)

Andy, Andy, Andy.  Didn't you see the title? It's a *fairytale*..........


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## Andy M. (Mar 7, 2007)

Yeah, 'bug.   So was mine...


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## mraa (Mar 7, 2007)

_(*really* PG ~ DH sent it to me...)

_>
>
>
>      I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five
>dollars worth of gas.
>
>SCROLL DOWN
>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
>
>   The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


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## Andy M. (Mar 7, 2007)

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. 
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, 
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. 
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" 
"Sure." 
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." 
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?" 
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." 
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. 
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! 
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. 
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands 
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a 
moment. 

"Where's my toast ?"


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## chasinmichigan (Mar 8, 2007)

whats the difference between a guitar player and a large pepperoni pizza?
a large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four


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## nucleus (Mar 8, 2007)

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.


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## Renee Attili (Mar 8, 2007)

You all laugh at me because I am different. But I'm laughing at you all because you're all the same.
Checkout my hobby. ♂ ♀ ☼ ♥ 


You are truely gifted. If you lived anywhere near me I would definetly use you in my business


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## TATTRAT (Mar 8, 2007)

A pirate walks into a bar with a giant steering wheel coming out of his pants. The bartender says, you know you have a giant steering wheel coming out of you pants right? The pirate responds, ARRRRGH! Tis been drivin me nuts all day!


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## Poutine (Mar 9, 2007)

TexasTamale said:
			
		

> So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
> One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
> Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
> This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
> ...


That is my Dad's all time favourite joke and I still love it too.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important  guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any  snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. 
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down  the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he  noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little  further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right  over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. 
At seven o'clock the next  morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.  There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a  very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all  this time.  He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then  back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"


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## Jikoni (Aug 8, 2007)

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"


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## keltin (Aug 8, 2007)

*Chili Contest*

I love this joke. I always makes me life no matter how many times I've read it. I've cleaned it up a bit to make sure it's PG rated.

-----------------------------------------------------

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was 
visiting from Springfield, IL. 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili 
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I 
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for 
directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. 
I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the 
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have 
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." 

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) 

*Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...* 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff?!?! You could 
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out 
the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! 

*Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...* 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken 
seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what 
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who 
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer 
when they saw the look on my face. 

*Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...* 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. 
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels 
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get 
me more beer before I ignite. 
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front 
part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... 

*Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...* 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, 
or other mild foods; not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was 
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? 
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. 
That woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear 
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? 

*Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...* 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, 
adding considerable kick. Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. 
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, 
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me 
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her 
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by 
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my 
lips off. 
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Stupid rednecks. 

*Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...* 
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of 
spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and 
garlic. Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with 
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I thought I was going to pass gas again, but I pooped on 
myself instead, and now I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems 
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. 

*Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...* 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned 
peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am 
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as 
he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I 
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which 
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my 
shirt. 
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to 
stop breathing; it's too painful. To heck with it; I'm not getting 
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch 
hole in my stomach. 

*Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...* 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too 
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, 
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 burped, 
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. 
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have 
reacted to really hot chili?


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## keltin (Aug 27, 2007)

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. " 

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience. 

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. 
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. 

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" 

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. 

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten." 

-----------------------------

A priest a rabbi and a baptist minister were in a boat in the middle of the lake fishing. The priest said: "I have to go to the bath room." He got out of the boat walked across the water and went to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got back into the boat. 

The rabbi said: "I have to go to the bathroom." He got out of the boat walked across the water to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got into the boat. 

Soon the baptist minister had to go to the bathroom. He thought to himself if they can walk across the water so can I. He got out of the boat and sank to the bottom of the lake. 

The priest turned to the rabbi and said: "Should we have told him about the stepping stones?"


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## Jeekinz (May 9, 2008)

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'


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## buckytom (May 9, 2008)

ROFLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeks.


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## suziquzie (May 9, 2008)

Now I get that one Jeeks!
My step-FIL told me that one last week but I was crabby so I didn't listen well.
I told him I'd call him when I got it. 
I guess I can call now!
(and what did keltin do that's had him banned so long?)


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## Jeekinz (May 9, 2008)

I posted this one in a different joke thread, good for kids I'd imagine.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."


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## Andy M. (May 9, 2008)

Jeekinz said:


> I posted this one in a different joke thread, good for kids I'd imagine.
> 
> Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."


 

Geek joke!


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## buckytom (May 9, 2008)

lol andy, that exactly what i thought.

the geekiest joke of all is-

there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


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## Andy M. (May 9, 2008)

buckytom said:


> ...there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


 

Oh, no!  I understood that!


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## *amy* (May 9, 2008)

*An Open Letter To Foie Gras*

*AN OPEN LETTER TO FOIE GRAS*​ 

Dear Foie Gras, 
I don't blame you _completely_ for keeping me from getting that waitress job at the fancy Soho restaurant I applied to, but I blame you enough to demand that you claim some accountability in the matter. How was I to know what you were, Foie Gras? I've never eaten in a fancy restaurant. I don't speak French. How was I to know they gave prospective wait staff competency tests asking them about obscure high-cuisine dishes? If it makes you feel better, I am also writing a letter to oysters regarding another question on that same test, one asking me to name three types of oysters and three adjectives that could describe them. 

So I know now that you are not a wheatgrass pasta dish resembling risotto. I never actually thought you were that, but I had to write something down. In fact, I don't really know what risotto is, either, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is some sort of rice and has absolutely nothing to do with pasta at all. I've discovered through inquiry that you are duck liver and that you can be quite tasty when cooked correctly. If I'd been the type of person who actually shops at the designer stores in Soho, I probably would have known that right off the bat. 

So here is where I need your help, Foie Gras. You are served in many of these fancy-schmance restaurants. Surely you must know something about them that can help keep me from repeating the incident where I wrote on one of those quizzes that the difference between champagne and sparkling wine is that the latter has "more bubbles." I need a contact in one of these places so I can make $400 a night to do the same (if not less) work I did in that Indian restaurant I used to work at where the owner referred to me as "the girl" and people gave me tips based on what they thought was appropriate in an ethnic restaurant of that sort. 

Not to be offensive, but I wish your name were easier to pronounce. As I stated earlier, I can't speak French. It might have saved me a little face in the corresponding interview for the aforementioned waitress job if I had referred to you as "fwa graw" (as you like to call yourself) instead of "foy grass" (which is how I assumed you said it). I don't think it would have erased the wheatgrass screwup, but at least I could have walked out of there with some pride. 

I know you are French and thus very sophisticated. I know you laugh at the 37-cent generic boxes of macaroni and cheese I buy for dinner and eat with cut-up bits of hot dog for added flavor. But I'll have you know I do know a little something about "haute cuisine." For example, I have eaten gelato. I have also eaten hors d'oeuvres. 

Briefly, I'd like to mention that during my childhood I was acquainted with your kinsmen (kinsducks?), Donald and Daisy, who moved to the north of France to be greeters at an upscale theme park sometime in the mid '80s. How is that working out for them? 

I don't really expect you to respond, because I know you are busy making many restaurant entrepreneurs happy in your role as a high-priced entrée (side dish?). But it would be nice to have some tips to help me on my next restaurant quiz. Cross your fingers, 'cause if all goes well, someday I'll be serving up a nice big plate of you to some high-society types who'll be drooling all over themselves to devour you on the spot. 
Thanks so much for your time. 

Sincerely,


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## Jeekinz (Jun 9, 2008)




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## Maverick2272 (Jun 10, 2008)

I remember this one from work:


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## LadyCook61 (Jun 12, 2008)

*wake up*

Don't leave your dentures...


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## LT72884 (Jun 12, 2008)

Barbara L said:


> This was in my pastor's newsletter today:
> 
> Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.  Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.  He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.  As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
> Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!  Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  So, is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.  Then, he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!  Love, Jillian"
> ...



thats a cool one and has a awesome moral to the story to.


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## LadyCook61 (Jun 12, 2008)

*little family humor*

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was 
all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human 
race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible 
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they 
developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my 
side of the family and your father told you about his."


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