Today's Funny

[dragnlaw]

Very long but from the horse world - very funny, just had to post this.


BRITISH HUMOUR
In the UK, some supermarkets have recently admitted that there is horse meat in their 'home-cooked' burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.
Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, the following quips hit the Internet:

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle. Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer AND THEY'RE OFF!”
Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots.”
"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian.”
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face? Cow says "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!”
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d’oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.
Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?”
Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show.”
At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

 

[GinnyPNW]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[FrankZ]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

 

[Kathleen]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[Andy M.]

CURTAIN RODS ---
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

 

[medtran49]

Ah, a good old one with a switch, husband for the wife, addition of caviar to the shrimp.

 

[dragnlaw]

Karma... it never gets old! Thanks Andy.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

 

[Kathleen]

 

[FrankZ]