Adventures With Mom

[GinnyPNW]

Well, like I said all, Mom has her first appointment coming up;
I went on her patient portal and requested that they fax to
her previous PCP back in California, I'm hoping that there will
be some notations as to her demeaner.

A question to the group:

As an elder (I think it's 80 and older) when you have your
annual Medicare Wellness Check up, doesn't your PCP
ask you a battery of questions that are meant to determine
your mental capabilities?

Would the previous PCP have made notes to that affect?

Yes, they do. I used to go in with my Mom to see her doctor. When you take her, you can also do the "check in" for her and ask to see the doctor first and/or after...so you don't have to say stuff in front of her. I never felt the need, I just went in with her and said what I needed to say. Mostly, it was what her caretakers reports. Long story...

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Too Much Junk Mail!

As you may have figured out, DH and I live in a rural portion of Arizona, well, frankly, if you don't live in one of the major cities it's rural

Anyhows, the postal service here is very spotty and provided by contract workers, not USPS employees.

Long before we moved to this new home, we realized that we'd best get a P.O. Box!
Home delivery is horrible, if you even get it!

We don't get that much mail, as we've opted in for paperless bills and decline any catalog mailing lists.

We had only been checking our mail maybe twice a week and I felt even that was over-kill, we just don't get much mail, period.

NOW!

My Mother on the other hand does very, very VERY little business on the internet. It baffles her most times, but has been asking either of us to help her with some online ordering.

So what does that mean to DH & I?
Our Post Office Mail Box is choked full

EVERY DAY!!!

To the point of over-stuffing! I'm waiting for a notice from the Post Mistress telling me that we had too much mail and they're holding in the back room.

My work around:
Mom's catalog situation is out of control gang!
I've been pulling the back covers of each one that she has said already she never asked for and has never nor ever will order from.
I very quietly go that company's website and request to her name be removed from their mailing list.

As to the junk mail-advertisements, she gets alot of mail from organizations asking for donations. I think that should not happen to elders, too many of them are being taken advantage of.

So, we have recycle bins in the Post Office, before I leave the building, I go through everything and anything that needs to be chuck, is!

And the adventure continues ....

 

[PrincessFiona60]

Shrek still gets more mail than I do. Even those places I sent copies of his death certificate (AARP) continue to send him mail. We are coming up on 4 years gone...he's still more popular than me...

 

[GinnyPNW]

K-Girl, do you use USPS Informed Delivery? It is free. They send you pictures of your new mail, each day, but it is just the lettersize mail (not Flats, meaning catalogs, etc.). You can sign up here: https://informeddelivery.usps.com/box/pages/intro/start.action

Additionally, for a small fee, you can use the Mail Preference Service to eliminate a lot of the advertising mail. Scroll down on the USPS page to read about it here (How to remove my name from Mailing Lists): https://faq.usps.com/s/article/Refuse-unwanted-mail-and-remove-name-from-mailing-lists

You can also put your phone numbers on the National Do Not Call Registry, it is free. See here: https://www.donotcall.gov/

Hope some of the above is helpful!

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Shrek still gets more mail than I do. Even those places I sent copies of his death certificate (AARP) continue to send him mail. We are coming up on 4 years gone...he's still more popular than me...

K-Girl, do you use USPS Informed Delivery? It is free. They send you pictures of your new mail, each day, but it is just the lettersize mail (not Flats, meaning catalogs, etc.). You can sign up here: https://informeddelivery.usps.com/box/pages/intro/start.action

Additionally, for a small fee, you can use the Mail Preference Service to eliminate a lot of the advertising mail. Scroll down on the USPS page to read about it here (How to remove my name from Mailing Lists): https://faq.usps.com/s/article/Refuse-unwanted-mail-and-remove-name-from-mailing-lists

You can also put your phone numbers on the National Do Not Call Registry, it is free. See here: https://www.donotcall.gov/

Hope some of the above is helpful!

Mahalo, thanks for that Ginny.
Yeah, I've looked at all of that and we use to have something of the sort way back, but I suppose when USPS came out with these new and improved was of tracking, the old way was dropped.
I think at this point it's just a matter of time for the catalogs and junk mail to weed themselves, since I notified all of them to remove her or unsubscribe to their sites.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Little Struggles, Doing Laundry

It's dawning on both DH & I that my Mother is very regimented.
By that I mean that she does certain things on certain days, and she does not vary one iota from that!

For instance, doing her laundry.
This must, and I mean must be done on Friday!
Here's the rub, some Fridays, we have other things to do.
Why does that matter you may be asking yourself,

WELL

We have those new fangled computerized front loading washer and dryer that Mom just can't get right. I've given her five "in service training" sessions, I've printed out a step-by-step instructional card that I even laminated and hung up in the Laundry Room ...

NOPE!

She gets up usually before I do and asks DH to help her.

DH: I have no idea on this Earth how those things work. The Girl has shown me over and over again and I don't get it. Mom, you just have to wait for The Girl and ask her.

I'm known as The Girl

One Friday, I saw that she kept fussing with the dryer.
She must have gone to check if the clothes were dry 4 or 5 times.
Finally I intervened.

Moi: Mom what are we doing here?
Mom: There's something wrong with this dang contraption you call a dryer!
Moi: Really? Let's take a look

Somehow she had turned the heat off completely and DH said that it had been running for over an hour; he had been keeping track of the situation and was just about to call me for assistance.

At this stage of the game I told Mom that I would take over the laundry situation and she should just let me know when she needed it done.

Here's where the little struggle begins.

It's all about control... Mom is the sort of person who needs to be in control, at all times. She's still the Mom and I'm just a kid in her eyes.
She insists that I start her laundry before 8am ... ummmm, I'm not an early riser, I'm retired, I don't have to do that anymore!

When I do get up, on any given Friday, the first words out of her mouth as I emerge from our bedroom still rubbing the sleep from my eyes is not "Good Morning Honey" but "I need my laundry done!" and not in a very nice tone either.

Today, I responded back with "I don't think that we're going to have time to do that today Mom. We have other things that we really need to attend to."

DH gave me a huge thumbs up from the other room, where Mom couldn't see him.

Moi: We'll catch that tomorrow, okay Mom?
Mom: Yeah, okay I guess
Moi: Do you have clean clothes to wear for tomorrow?
Mom: Yes
Moi: Well then there ya go

I got another big thumbs up from DH.

My house, my rules ... little struggles, we'll work around them.

 

[GinnyPNW]

Some years back when we were still living in L.A., a friend and his wife decided to move to the Mid-West. His brother and family had already moved out of the area to the PNW. His mother told him that she would have to move with them, as she didn't want to be left alone in L.A. He told her that was fine and they would welcome her. But, he said, remember it will be El's (his wife's) house. Her house, her rules. Mom decided to move to the PNW with the brother instead.

No matter how you slice it, two women under one roof can be trying. I applaud you for how well you guys do! I know it isn't easy.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Some years back when we were still living in L.A., a friend and his wife decided to move to the Mid-West. His brother and family had already moved out of the area to the PNW. His mother told him that she would have to move with them, as she didn't want to be left alone in L.A. He told her that was fine and they would welcome her. But, he said, remember it will be El's (his wife's) house. Her house, her rules. Mom decided to move to the PNW with the brother instead.

No matter how you slice it, two women under one roof can be trying. I applaud you for how well you guys do! I know it isn't easy.

Mahalo, thanks Ginny.
DH & I are looking at this as a team effort, and we support and back each other up.
Sometimes I think, what if we hadn't brought Mom out here?
What would happen to her?
DH says that we'd be making that 9 1/2 hour drive one way at the very least once a month!
And we hear tales that California is going to restrict travel into the State much more so soon.

 

[taxlady]

(((Hugs Kgirl))) That sounds really trying.

I don't know how to say this. I'm afraid that I will sound critical. Maybe there is a way to help make her feel more in control.

She's at a stage in her life where it feels like she is losing control. She's old enough that she is probably concerned that people will doubt her mental capacity. She might be feeling that she is starting to lose some of her mental capacity. It's probably a lot harder on your mum than she is letting on.

Sending positive vibes.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

(((Hugs Kgirl))) That sounds really trying.

I don't know how to say this. I'm afraid that I will sound critical. Maybe there is a way to help make her feel more in control.

She's at a stage in her life where it feels like she is losing control. She's old enough that she is probably concerned that people will doubt her mental capacity. She might be feeling that she is starting to lose some of her mental capacity. It's probably a lot harder on your mum than she is letting on.

Sending positive vibes.

No, taxy, you don't sound critical at all.

Both DH & I have discussed this and we give her every opportunity to think that she's in control. But she does push the envelope from time to time.

And yes, we see that she thinks folks are saying, oh she's not all together any more, and very frankly, she's not.

I've tried talking with her, but she's a very difficult person, quite plainly put.

She has her first PCP appointment here in Arizona on the 23rd, we can't wait!

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

It's Mom's Birthday!

Mom isn't very keen on her birthday or any holiday really, but I do my best to make them festive.

As we live in Cowboyville AZ USA, trying to find some things that you think of as ordinary everyday items, I have a devil of a time obtaining.

My Mother LOVES See's Candies, and normally, we have a "Pop Up Store" here right next door to our local Trader Joes... not this year, of course!

It took me a bit of research, but I found out where they were, made my way over there and purchased 1 box of each of her favorites, Nuts & Chews and Molasses Chips.

Beggars can't be choosers, so they're not dark chocolate, which Mom does favor, but ...

I made a very large breakfast for Mom, Stuffed Biscuits with Fruit and then gave her her gift. She was impressed that I found a See's store

Mom said she was so full all day, until I said that for birthday linner (late lunch/early dinner) we were going to a new-to-her BYOB American-Italian joint, that we really like.

BINGO!

Let's go!

Now, normally Mom orders the same thing in an Italian Restaurant, Eggplant Parm, but she threw us a curve ball ...



Chicken Piccata

She ate the included lovely Mixed Green Salad, herds of still warm, homemade Bread with Garlic Herbed Butter, her plate of Pasta with a Garlic Olio sauce AND the slice of New York Style Cheese cake with macerated Strawberries free for her birthday.



The fresh whipped cream was gorgeous!





I had already ordered 2 Cannoli and a piece of Italian Lemon Cream Cake to go ... they'll get eaten, trust me

Santa and Mrs. Claus were there entertaining the diners with Christmas Songs and cheer. When they came over to our table I said, "I remember you!" and I got a huge, "HO HO HO HO!!"

Moi: Santa, today is my Mom's birthday!
Santa: It is? WELL ...
Both Santa and Mrs. Claus sang a special Happy Birthday to her!
AAAWWWWW!

 

[dragnlaw]

Sounds fantastic Kgirl. What a party! Yum all the way around!

Tell your Mom Happy Birthday from the anonymous dragon! LOL

 

[GinnyPNW]

It does sound like a fantastic day, indeed! Good job, K-Girl!

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

I’m So Very Frustrated, But Thankful

Here we are at the end of another year and all of a sudden, I have my elder Mother living in our home with us. This has been a huge adjustment for Mom as well as my amazing Husband and myself.

Mom has been with us now for a bit more than 4 months and at times I have to just bite my tongue and walk away, I get so very frustrated. My life has changed forever and there’s no going back. I am now my Mother’s keeper.

Both DH and I love Mom, but there are difficult times with her, with more to come, I’m sure. We support one another in that fortunately, both of us don’t lose our ---- at the same time.

I respect and honor my Mother, as she did so much for me growing up, I feel that I owe her this. My younger Sister on the other hand, well, that’s a whole other story.

I’m so very frustrated at times, to the point of tears, but I am also so very thankful that I still have my Mother, while others do not.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

When Last We Spoke ...

... I was opining about how frustrated I have been … Then illness befell our household, DH and I got Covid-19 and were in self-isolation for about 2 weeks. It’s taken us a time to get back up on our feet.

This really stuck a chore in my head … what if something even worse happened? What would become of my elderly Mother?

We have watched her decline not only physically, but worse, mentally over the last six months.

DH and I had been talking about placing Mom in another Senior Living Community, similar to what she was living in back in California, but neither of us could pull the trigger, so to say. We felt as though we would be putting her out. This was never the intent that Mom stay with us, but rather for her to have her own place. The different options that we had been looking at just weren’t going to work. So here she has stayed, with us.

After some lengthy discussions during our private time alone, we both agreed that Mom needed to be re-located.

We started to make some checks online as to what was available within a reasonable driving distance from our home. We found a lovely place only a short 30-minute drive from us, not 9 ½ hours.

Then came “the talk”.

Naturally, Mom was upset, cried and didn’t understand. She thought that she would live with DH and I for the remainder of her life. We explained that we must think towards the future; DH and I are not getting any younger, only older and there will come a day when we would no longer be able to care for her. Mom is still able to perform her own personal toilette, so there’s a plus – no assisted living, yet. She can be independent and have her own apartment. Her metal capacity is dwindling, but this happens to all of us as we age.

I took Mom over to our first choice of new digs and she LOVED IT!

It’s a much better maintained facility, newer, better staffed, with loads of activities that she might participate in. A shuttle bus is provided to the residents for appointments and shopping at no extra charge. She’ll get a continental plus breakfast or a choice of the daily special hot meal in the restaurant for free. All of her utilities also are included with her rent. Her only disappointment, there’s no pool for Water Aerobics – well, ‘The Y’ is three blocks away by shuttle!

She and I were treated to lunch in one of the two restaurants onsite after our sales pitch and it was delicious! Mom said that she thinks she would have dinner for the first month in the restaurants, so that she can meet new people. They offer a FULL MENU, just like any other restaurant in the area, even Fillet Mignon, but WAY CHEAPER! This would be added to her “tab” at the end of each month and we’ve set it up so that she doesn’t get the bill - we have her all set up online and will administer what’s needed; she doesn’t have to worry about finances, which she has never enjoyed doing … DH does, so there ya go.

What DH and I liked was that everything is under one roof. She would never have to take a step off the campus … safe and secure! There are all enclosed corridors to go here or there, and nice big signs so that nobody gets lost.

Mom singed her lease the very next day!

I’m so excited for her. This is a new chapter in her life and I hope that she’s looking forward to it.

 

[PrincessFiona60]

This is wonderful news. I am so glad you have taken this step. Hugs!

 

[Andy M.]

That’s very encouraging. The move will provide Mom with new stimuli to help keep her in good shape mentally. Also, it will make life a ton easier for you guys.

 

[taxlady]

That must have been hard. I'm glad your mum seems to like the new place. Sending positive vibes for a happy new chapter in your mum's life and you and your DH's too.

 

[Rob Babcock]

It sounds like it will work out great! I've enjoyed keeping up with your adventures; hopefully with her close by the adventures will continue!


My own mom is 76 now, hard to imagine! She's still mentally and physically robust and barring something odd, will probably outlive me! Her parents both lived into their late 80s and her oldest sister lived to be 95. Pretty much every member of her side of the family that didn't die in a farm accident or one of the wars lives into their 80s. I expect that my mom & my sister will likely live together for many more years, or so I hope.

 

[Cooking Goddess]

...I’m so excited for her. This is a new chapter in her life and I hope that she’s looking forward to it.

I'm excited for your Mom, and for you and your DH, too. We've read how kind and loving you have been to bring your Mom into your home, adding a totally new dynamic to your own retirement years. But living in a place where she can socialize on her own time without needing you to be a social director can only be a good thing for her. Best to her and both of you guys, too, going forward in this next chapter.