For the Newbies: Disasters

[Claire]

I know this subject comes up from time to time, but haven't seen it lately. I think it has to be a favorite for people just learning to cook and entertain. What were your biggest cooking and entertaining disasters and embarassments? How did you recover?

 

[Claire]

I'll go first with one of my favorites. We were full-timing in an RV and had hit San Diego, where my best friend lives. Our trailer was tiny, but we entertained a lot, believe it or not. She wasn't a big one for red meat, but was up for this: We had a feast of what I call "brontasaurus ribs" (big beef ribs in a Korean bbq marinade). I often fix them on the rare side for us, but for company I cook them through. Even so, a bizarre thing happened. My friend bit into a full vein of blood. It spurted all over everyone. You'd swear that cow was alive. I guess it tells you why we are lifetime friends ... she just wiped the blood away and grabbed another rib. But I'll never forget that rib squirting blood all over her, her husband, and the table.

 

[PA Baker]

That might have been enough to make me a vegetarian!

 

[buckytom]

blaaaaahhhhh, i vaant to eat some reeebs...

 

[crewsk]

My husbands boss came to have supper with us one night(it used to be a weekly thing until he got a girlfriend ). I don't even remember what we were having except some roasted potatoes. Well, as I was taking the potatoes out of the oven I dropped the pan, it was one of those stonewear things, & it flipped upside down on top of the oven door. Hubby & his boss came running into the kitchen & I was just standing there staring at it. The boss, walked over got a spatula & proceded to put the potatoes back in the pan & he said "hey, the oven door is hot & they didn't hit the floor, we can still eat them." So, we sat down at the table & every bite of those potaotes got eaten.

 

[kitchenelf]

The worst thing in recent years was trying to convince my very stubborn friend that her 24-lb. turkey WOULD take more than 4 hours to cook (it was also STUFFED) - She said her mother did it and her's would be fine. We cook Thanksgiving EVERY year together - So she stuffs this huge turkey, wraps it a couple times in heavy duty aluminum foil - and 4 hours later takes it out - the little sucker was still RAW!!!!! So back in it goes - she keeps pulling it out (I TOLD her to just leave it but no one EVER listens to me ) At one point when I was testing the leg joint it was still VERY bloody at the bone - she said OH that's fine - you say that the chicken you do can be pink and it's ok - I said BUT IT'S SMOKED!!!! Back in it goes - We were about 3 hours late on dinner and EVERYONE was starving. That was the one and only and LAST time she gets to do the turkey! lol - I always brine it now - but I learned brining in apple juice gives it an awesome flavor!!!!!

 

[Bangbang]

Many years ago I accidently used Red Pepper instead of Chili Pepper in a batch of Chili. It was to late to fix it. Imagine 6 tablespoons of it.

 

[PA Baker]

When I was a kid Mom let me make oatmeal raisin cookies for the neighbors. I used accidentally grabbed green food coloring instead of vanilla so we had a very odd shade of green oatmeal raisin cookies!

 

[buckytom]

i used to put a little sugar in my marinara, so one time i was making a big pot for a family get-together, and i was in a hurry and tried to just pour a bit in from the bag of sugar. well a whole big lump dropped in and made the sauce sickly sweet. i tried to compensate by adding some more tomatoes, and then some crushed red pepper, but it still was too sweet.
well, i decided to bring it anyway. everyone ate it, but there was an awful lot left over. usually, somene is scraping out the last reaming sauce with some bread.

 

[Bangbang]

I tried to flip and egg using the pan. I got bacon grease all over my belly. Ouch :!: Still got scars from that. :x

 

[Paint]

Nothing really bad - a year or so ago we decided to hold a fancy dinner party (luckily for very good friends), in the english style - complete with my husband serving 'silver service', rather than having guests serve themselves from the bowls of side dishes. It was supposed to be a fun occasion, but I don't think our guests expected it to be quite so 'formal' in presentation etc., and seemed a little uptight during the first courses, then it was time for my husband to do his silver service with the main course - only he had never done this before and completely lost control of the roast potatoes, depositing more of them over the guests and floor than on the plates! Luckily, this broke the ice and things were a lot more relaxed after that! 6 courses and a lot of wine later and our guests said that it was the best dinner party they'd ever been too - so it had a happy ending!

Paint.

 

[Claire]

Jer and I were seriously into making pizza from scratch. One time we had a party, and the dough wouldn't rise, but what the heck, you can make a very thin pizza. But then when he was trying to scoop it (I can't think ofa better word) from the peel to the stone, that went wrong andit landed at the back of the oven in a heap. We're nothing if not flexible, and immediately ordered pizza to be delivered. BUT ... I must say, when I was getting ready to just think about putting some dishes into soapy water, I found my guest reaching into the back ofthe oven for that sorry piece of pizza, and told me it was ten times better than the delivery we'd ordered.

 

[Claire]

Jer and I were seriously into making pizza from scratch. One time we had a party, and the dough wouldn't rise, but what the heck, you can make a very thin pizza. But then when he was trying to scoop it (I can't think ofa better word) from the peel to the stone, that went wrong andit landed at the back of the oven in a heap. We're nothing if not flexible, and immediately ordered pizza to be delivered. BUT ... I must say, when I was getting ready to just think about putting some dishes into soapy water, I found my guest reaching into the back ofthe oven for that sorry piece of pizza, and told me it was ten times better than the delivery we'd ordered.

 

[Lifter]

Possibly the time I took a young lady to a "Lady's Dining In Night" at the Sgts Mess, for the full formal dinner and dance...if you are "junior" you are typically caused to arrive early and leave only after all your "seniors" have departed...and it opens with (in those bygone days) with sherry, served with cheese and crackers, for about an hour...(or a gin based "punch" if you are sorta "dumb")...

Regrettably, I was unaware that said lady had never been to one of these, and had given only the most "cursory" of briefings on how the evening progressed (aside from the obviously vital advice, the "dinner" would last about 2.5-3 hours, and once seated, you stayed until the head table had left, so for God's sake, arrive "empty" and use the facilities before dinner at the Piper's "quarter call", 15 minutes before we're piped in)...

Anyways, you get piped in, sit, are served white wine with a salad, more of same with the fish, shifting to red with the entree, then over to Port with the dessert, the fruit slices, the cheese trays, and, of course it gets controllably "ribald" as the meal progresses, with the Toast to the Queen, Toast to the Regiment (to be drained in one "go"), Toast to the Ladies, some of which may be offered in things like Brandy, Drambuie, Scotch or (for Ladies) Creme de menthe...

The Port is offered first to the PMC (President of the Mess Committee) and thumped down on the tables by the stewards in decanters (a note here, the Navy serves it in decanters with "rounded bottoms" so you have to grab them before they fall over, and "pass" the Port to the next diner, always in the same direction; the decanter is removed and recharged immediately it is emptied, and "returned, refilled" to service)...(and never "across" the table BTW!)(Social "disgrace" follows!)...

Anyways, my "date" was "unfamiliar" with the "custom", and was sort of dreamily in a gin/white/red wine "glaze" when confronted with the passed decanter of Port...(my attention was elsewhre at the critical second) and, wondered aloud if she was to "drink from the decanter, or what"...in a voice that, unfortunately carried....

Suffice it to say the relationship did not go much further....

When I met Margaret and invited her to such social soirees, I was "fulsome" in advising what to expect, but she had her sister in the Mess, and I was senior enough to manipulate the seating cards by then...

Lifter

 

[Lifter]

My first "Mess Dinner" as a brand new Sgt was almost as bad...but of course focussed on my own errors...

The "normally wary" Sgt Majors and Officers of the Regiment were "head hunting" for Sgt candidates, as the Sr NCO Corps diminished with WWII and Korean retirees, and to cut this short, dispatched a bunch of well regarded Corporals off an a two month Leader Qualification Course to become Sgts...those of us that made it through got promoted.

Regrettably, the course had not classes or edification on the social side of the Army, rather a 6x12 physical jerks, "learning how to teach/train, and constant "every phase of battle" tactical crap, along with countless hours of drill with spit and polish...

So we got back, were duly promoted, and the entire Battalion herded aboard buses to the retirement parade of a senior officer...the "troops" were then sent home, we were charged about 2 days pay before taxes (that we could ill afford!) for the subsequent Officers and Sr NCO's Mess Dinner...

The "troops were sent home" about 1500 hrs...and we were sent to the "mess" to imbibe...fools we were, we chose "beer", prior to a dinner commencing at 1700...and lasting until about 2130...

The retiring "senior officer" named every body in the room, in his "speech" with an amusing anecdote about service with that individual...note there are a LOT of NCO's and Officers in a Battalion!...most of whom DESPERATELY needed to pee!

An "NO"! It is untrue that empty wine bottles are available, I'm here to tell you that this did NOT happen 30-odd years ago...you set your jaw and "clenched"...and waited...

(Note that its apparent in "today's Army" there is a "half time whistle" and dinner is briefly adjourned for a pee break and in some cases a quick smoke!) (Toasting the Queen no longer allowing a cigar to be lit!)...(from my last such "dinner", where my best friend outside of my wife!- ascended to his Colonelcy)

Anyways I managed not to "totally disgrace myself", but 30 seconds after the last Head Table Guest was haring down the hall to the washrooms, there must have been 30 of us crowded into the nearest "john", I can recall being one of about 5 crowded around the sink....

Beer rapidly fell away in popularity after that, and you understood that "sherry" does not "rush through you" quite so quickly...

Anyways, that was my "newbie" experience of "Formal Dining"...once through the "Green Machine" stuff, its incredibly relaxed and easy....

Lifter

 

[Claire]

Lifter, you bring back such memories! One time I was dating a young lieutenant when I lived in DC. He had just graduated from West Point, youngest in his class. He invited me to the annual alumni ball. I begged and borrowed to get a silk blouse and velvet floor length skirt to club together a formal. I got there to the realization that ..... I was to sit at the head table, since my boyfriend was the youngest alumnus. Eldest, youngest, and ranking were seated at the head table, so I was sitting there with 4-star generals. I'm a former sergeant and the daughter of a retired sergeant, so this was a little strange for me. My mom raised me with manners and there's something to be said for etiquette, it sort of takes over .... good training always does. But the epitome of the evening came when dinner was over (I sighed a huge sigh of relief, trust me. Yes, it was much like a dining in/dining out, only I was on a raised table in front of a few hundred of the Army's finest). I was standing there, chatting with a general, a glass of white wine in my hand (I only drank white in those days for this very reason), the general a glass of red. I took a step backwards for whatever reason, forgetting that the raised dais was right behind my legs, and windmilled to keep from falling on my butt. Unfortunately the general leaped forward to 'help' me, and in the process threw his glass of red wine on all my borrowed finery! He was so embarassed! I brushed the incident off, bought the blouse from one friend, and dry-cleaning did take care of the velvet skirt (thank heaven it was claret colored to begin with!). The entire experience gave me a new appreciation and viewpoint for the officers' wives we so denigrated in my younger days -- living in a fishbowl like that, someone watching your every move.

 

[Lifter]

Thanks for that post, Claire! I have the feeling that you and "Jer" and me and Margaret, could really enjoy a "dinner" together, and some recounting of "shared experiences"!

I've never been to a US Army dinner, but from my readings, you are extraordinarily accurate in your report! Us Canucks seem to have followed the British standard "Mess Dinners", which were a fair deal more "formal", I suspect, in that the "junior" was seated the furthest from the Head Table, and was caused to propose the "Loyal Toast" to the Crown, and to "pass the Port"...nor did we "allow" one to carry on with white wine, you got the full "rainbow", and your option was merely water...

Should one have to "withdraw", even momentarily, without the permission of the PMC, one could look at one's chair "disappearing" on return, and, (sigh!) probably about 30 days "extra duties", notably including the "Regimental Birthday", "Minden Day", "17 March", New Years Day, 11 November, etc, where this was a more "challenging task" than it ordinarily was...

I found where the Sgts were invited into "dining" with the Officers, that we NCO's were ever so much more a stodgy bunch for "form" (also for decent food, good wine or top end liquor!) whereas the subalterns amongst the officers were fairly socially restrained, and the majors and "up" were really "whacked" at such events...

Have you ever read "The General Danced at Dawn" by George MacDonald Fraser? If so, you get the idea!

Lifter

 

[Lugaru]

I have good luck cooking but my most recent one is this:

I often make trips to chinatown so I can get the more authentic chinese, hindi, thai and korean sauces. Im very big on asian cooking, especially real chinese. Any way's I picked up a thai "soup base" and it almost killed me!

I had seared and then boiled chunks of pork. After slicing them I prepared them in this soup base and when I finally tried it well.. it made my mouth go numb from being so overpowering.

It had chunks of something similar to dried lime peels and something like super concentrated dried ginger shavings. Whenever I accidentally bit into one of these badboys I had to wash my mouth out with warm water (I've told you guy's my taste is too sensitive for some dishes). In the end I ended up washing the sauce off the pork, throwing out the rice that was drenched in it and improvising some sweet and sour to go with the slices. I hate wasting food but that stuff was... dude... no.